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Labels: james bond, video
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During the month of April I came across some comics from 1975 that each featured a one page ad with different superheros taking on baddies using Hostess Fruit Pies. I scanned and posted each one right here for your enjoyment.
On the last one I posted I promised no more, but, thanks to the power of the internets, I found about a million more of these. So, instead of just pretending like these don't exist, I bring you one last post with direction on where to go to find a ton more (possibly all of them, I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know).
I was also shocked to learn that Marvel comics also took part in this crazy marketing charade (Et Tu Spiderman?).
So here is a huge collection of ads that appeared in DC comics throughout the 70's and 80's.:
Branded In The 80's Essential Collection of DC Hostess Ads
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Click image for bigger view.
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Labels: japan, video games
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Labels: joe orsulak, olympics, paramount, sumner redstone
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Labels: marmaduke, video games
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Labels: george bush
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If you're curious what Batman and Superman think of Hostess Fruit pies, click here and here.
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Labels: nintendo, think geek
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Brook Fordyce has received many kudos from critics since he became the head program director at the FOX network. When he expanded American Idol to four and a half hours and added it to a sixth night, ratings soured. When he added the new game show Super-Hooker, critics raved. And of course there was his decision to let Seth MacFarlane make another cartoon with outdated references and no plot or story to appeal to that often forgotten mentally retarded market. But, there is one thing Fordyce just has not been able to do, cancel The Simpsons.
The Simpsons, which has been on for a mere 19 seasons has delighted many over the years, but even the writers of the show agree it's just not that good anymore.
"What, yeah, we don't really write the shows anymore," writer John Frink told us from the closet they call a writers room, "we just look back at old shows and rewrite them."
"The show hasn't been very good lately, or for the last 5 seasons even," Dr. Joe Orsulak, professor of TV studies at Joe's College Emporium, "the show should be canceled, or moved to the CW, where low ratings are all part of Dawn Ostroff's Evil plan to kick start Armageddon."
So, if the show's ratings are so low, why hasn't it been canceled?
"I know it should be canceled, alright," Fordyce told us, "I've even gone down to the Simpson's studio a couple of times to do it. But every time I look into Matt Groening's big brown eyes... well, I just can't go through with it."
Not everyone is so sympathetic. FOX owner and National Socialist enthusiast Rupert Murdoch isn't so impressed.
"Big brown eyes?" Murdoch shouted from on top of a flying centurion pony, "I'll show him some big black eyes if expenditures are not successfully cut by 1.3% by the end of the fiscal year!"
With the threat of a semi-God riding over Fordyce's head, what's keeping him from giving the show the ole axe?
"I've spent the last 20 years with those wacky yellow guys." Fordyce told us with a tear in his eye, "When Homer met his Mom I cried, when Marge became a Cop I laughed, when Lisa became a vegetarian I stopped eating meat, and when Bart became Captain Sewer Pants and saved Springfield from the attacking 80 foot Regis Philbman I was on the edge of my seat."
"They'd be fools to cancel us now," Matt Groening creator of The Simpsons, Futuarama, Life is Hell, and a foul smelling fart during this interview, "We got some great episodes coming up! There's one where Homer becomes the lead singer for Arcade Fire, we working on another episode where the family gets a horse... again, oh, and let's not forget the return of Captain Sewer Pants!"
Fordyce isn't worried though, he has a plan.
"I'll just cancel something else. I've been doing it every year. So far I've canceled Firefly, or Arrested Development, Family Guy, Futurama... 24 soon."Labels: fox, rupert murdoch, simpsons
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For those were are Greek out there, just come back to this exact page in one month so it's relevant.Labels: easter
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Labels: japan
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Last week I began watching a TGIF from November 1991 and logging my thoughts while doing so. Today I'm watching the second and last (thank God) half.
00:05 Here we go... Rising and Falling with Perfect Strangers.
02:01 Some blindfolded guy is smelling oranges in this commercial. Isn't that a form of foreplay from them movies on late night Cinemax.
03:33 "Birds with no feathers flock together", celebrating Mud Day... Oh Balki, will you ever learn!
07:35 "Salt, Pepper, Diamond"? Why the hell is that suppose to be funny. I wonder if the guy in charge of adding the canned laughter just added to fake yucks randomly because he figured no one would notice... he would of been correct.
09:22 "One of the Turkey's must of swallowed the ring, it's the only thing that makes sense."
10:45 I think Larry's going to kick Balki's ass. It's about time.
13:43 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze on VHS for $22.95. There is no part of that sentence I like.
15:01 "Baby Talk" is next. Why god, why?
17:55 This guy wants to know what the "foreign boy" is doing in his home. He must be a republican.
20:04 Larry really needs some Anger Management training.
22:45 Balki just tickled a guy instead of giving him the Heimlich.
26:40 Anyone else see something wrong with a pregnancy test commercial during a show aimed towards teenagers.
30:15 Look Who's Talking just started, er I mean Baby Talk. The theme song enough makes me want to die.
30:48 Scoot Baio... If I stop posting it's because I shot myself.
31:18 This F-Zero ad might soothe me for a while.
34:01 Death, torture, horrible disease.. please, anything other than this!.
35:10 Why does Baio do the voice of the baby as well as star as some annoying ass. Who thought Scott Baio could play two rolls? Who?
37:05 A Sizzler joke! One horrible thing making fun of another. Good, maybe we could bundle all these horrible things and send 'em straight to the evildoers.
38:44 That isn't funny! I don't care when this stupid canned laughter was recorded, they should be ashamed!
43:01 Thank god, a commercial break. I've seen this Pizza Hut Feivel Goes West as about 20 times so far this last hour and
I still prefer it.
45:00 15 mintes to go... I can't make it. I hurt physically.
45:43 Scott Baio's phone is almost as big as Zack Morris'
47:34 I remember once when I was very little my brother dropped a battery on my head and I had to go to the hospital. From now on I'll look back on that moment in my life fondly.
50:13 I bet this kid is in therapy now... or, if it was as much torture for him to record this show as it is for me to watch it, dead.
53:36 I need an aspirin.
55:34 They're breaking the wishbone. I bet they're both wishing for the end of time.
56:00 The show ends on a burp. Really? Who the hell wrote this crap!
57:01 Hey, I remember this Mario commercial... I still don't get it.
Labels: baby talk, bad movies, perfect starngers, tgif
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Earlier this month a home recorded video of T.G.I.F. from November 1991 surfaced on the internet. TGIF, for those of you not cool enough to remember was a popular block of family friendly sitcoms that would air every Friday night on ABC. It seemed like high quality entertainment back then, but that I'm older and, I'd like to think a tad bit wiser, I realize that I was an idiot back then. Anytime I flip through the channels and see a rerun of a TGIF alumni like Family Matters or Full House I want to bash my head in and cry.
For that reason I decided to see if I could make it all the way through this 2 hours of Sitcom hell. And of course I decided to share my torturous experience with you.
Since the video found online was sectioned into two parts, I decided to split my thoughts into two different parts. Today we'll be going through Family Matters (aka The Urkel Show) and Step By Step (aka "Lets do a 90's version of The Brady Bunch").
0:00 The video abruptly starts with Carl in a dress. Dear god, how am I going to make it.
2:00 About 2 minutes in when we get our first Woooooooo from the canned laugh track.
2:45 Eddie just had his friend call him a virgin, I don't remember this show being that edgy. No, I don't think that's very edgy, just more edgy than I remember...
4:15 We have Urkel!
5:48 The Winslows have a big ugly fish plate in their kitchen. Who the hell designs these sets?
7:01 Urkel just mistook Mrs. Winslow kissing Carl in drag for her becoming a lesbian. Wow!
10:30 Commercial: "The kids really like their Radio Shack electronic games" Oh, lord.
25:11 It's Patrick Duffy, Scuzzlebutt's left leg.
26:32 The family is debating whether or not to get an answering machine. What the hell years was this made? 1984?
27:55 Everyone sing along now, "Step By Step, Day By Day, A fresh start.. uh... la la da ghh"
29:00 This K-mart ad makes me glad they lost the big box wars.
29:33 Another K-mart ad, c'mon.
30:06 Cody... oh god no. The inspiration for the turtle in Nemo.
31:13 Wow, this guy must of went to the Keanu Reeves acting school.
33:42 The daughter is a slut. Comedy gold!
34:13 Duffy just said he met with Kramer. That must of been the worse episode of Seinfeld ever.
35:01 A Milli-Vanila reference. I guess that must have been actually relavent in 1991.
37:05 The answering machine deletes message on it's own. Where did they buy it? I'd like one of those.
38:34 This guy has a Discman for a chest. Dear god.
39:01 "Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now!" Love that song!
41:01 Patrick Duffy almost died. Yeah I said almost. Maybe nest time.
51:00 Madnadoodle will let me doodle and undoodle.
53:03 Perfect strangers is next, can't wait.Labels: abc, bad movies, family matters, step by step, tgif, urkel
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Labels: pimps, reality tv, spitzer
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Labels: 2008 election, texas
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This badge is awarded to those Scouts that use Windows Vista. But unfortunatley those that do don't want to admit it. Rumor is that even the scouts that had been rewarded this badge have traded it in for an Apple badge or a Linux badge.
In late 2007 presidential hopeful Joe Biden was so desperate for support from someone other than the two people who live in Delaware he decided to court the seldom tapped Girl Scout vote. Unfortunately even the glamor of a new badge for their chest couldn't persuade a girl scout to vote for him. Of course most girl scouts are not old enough to vote either, silly Joe.
One would think tailoring would be an easy badge to get. But for some reason every time a kid is sent to the Nike factory in South America to learn how to make clothing they never come back. So odd...
Nobody knows how this badge is earned. The only known Girl Scout who was lucky enough to receive this badge was Stacey Littlefoot of Nebraska. The story goes that anytime anyone asks her how she got it she just bursts into tears.Labels: bill gates, girl scouts, joe biden
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As I am writing this the Democratic debate in Ohio is about to start. But they're not going to ask the question that's on all our minds, "How many donuts have you bought?"
The NY Times, the newspaper known for his high quality story telling and McCain smearing has answered that very question.
Here's your breakdown of just how much of their campaign money has each canidate spent at Dunkin' Donuts:
Clinton: $5,950.53
Romney: $992.91
McCain: $923.70
Obama: $723.64
Edwards: $253.04
Paul: $108.07
The lesson here? I have no damn clue. I tell you one thing though, I'd think about it before you donate any more money to Ron Paul, he hardly using any of that for pastries!Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, hillary clinton, john edwards, john mccain, mitt romney, ron paul
¶ 8:35:00 PM 0 Comments
Forget inappropriate relationships with lobbyists, this is a much bigger story. John McCain is using freakin' black magic! Or is he just reaching out to the all importatent Salem vote?
I wonder how many conservatives are seeing this ad and thinking, "Oh, geez, I hated McCain before, but look he has a crystal ball! I must RECONSIDER!" And then they probably run to church to ask god forgiveness for going to cheesegod.com, then maybe they'll shoot a duck or something, I don't know.Labels: 2008 election, john mccain
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"Had there been a sticker on Mr. Willis's face?," I thought to myself (or said out loud, maybe I talk to myself, I don't know, there wasn't anyone around to tell me if I do), "And what happened to the shrink wrap?"
Sure enough I opened it to only see:
No disc! Ha! Oh those pranksters at Amazon! Hilarious!
UPDATE 2/21:
Well, one complaint and Amazon overnighted me a replacement (complete with movie this time!). Most impressive so far. Let's see how they react when they receive the empty case I mailed back to them.
UPDATE 3/5:
An email from amazon.com has just confirmed their acceptance of my return. So all ends well. Not bad, award one point to Amazon customer service (reduce one from their shipping department).Labels: amazon.com, blu-ray, Fifth Element
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Johnston Green received a boost to his fictional campaign today when a confused and disheveled Ross Perot endorsed him for president.
"America needs to be saved from the female Clinton and the Sugar Cain." Perot told two journalists and a dog named Spike, "It is time we act, and forget about reality shows."
Johnston Green is a character on the unwatched CBS show Jericho. Why Perot was endorsing him for president is anyone's guess.
Everyone in the room seemed confused, including Gerald McRaney, the actor who plays Mayor Green.
"I have no clue. Perot called me up and said he wanted to endorse me. I wanted to refuse, but CBS said it would be good publicity," McRaney told us.
When asked why he was endorsing a fictional person for president Perot responded, "Jibba-Jabba! A fictional man, for a fictional post. There is no president, it's all a lie!"
Which, of course led to the question if the there is no president why did Perot run for the office in 1994 and 1996.
"The reason!," Perot suddenly jumped onto the podium in mid sentence, "Sometimes I wish I was also fictional." Perot then hung his head down and quietly sang Livin' La Viva Loca to himself.
It's not sure how the endorsement will effect the current presidential campaign, but experts think it might shift the all important crazy vote away from John McCain.
"I don't know," McRaney responded in response to how the elections might be affected, "All I know is that Perot smells like Moth Balls and Mr. Pib. It's going to take weeks for me to get the stink off my hands."Labels: 2008 election, hillary clinton, jericho, john mccain, Mr. pib, Ross Perot
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Labels: marmaduke
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1) Put up a new pole right next to the broken one
2) Tie the broken one to the new one with some rope.
3) Pray for the best.
Yes, this is Nassau County's tax dollars at work. Oh, this isn't temporary either, it's been like this for years.
Labels: nassau, taxes, telephone poles
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Labels: game shows, japan, magic eye, tokyo thursday
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As I promised last week, my myspace page is no more. As you can see in the image to the right I left them some very insightful feedback on how they can improve their website.
Actually, Rupert Murdoch is an avid reader of cheesegod.com. I hear he reloads the page every 5 seconds hoping for something new and delicious. I hear he has a tattoo of Mr. Fish on his right ankle. So, obviously he has already read the negative things I had to say about myspace and is rushing to improve it as you read this.
Hmmmm... I wonder if Facebook is any good.Labels: facebook, myspace, rupert murdoch
¶ 8:45:00 AM 0 Comments
In an immediate effort to prevent a recession, Bush makes it rain cash!
John McCain jumps the gun and delivers the address instead!
Bush skips the address and instead decides to watch American Gladiators instead (his favorite is Wolf!) on his new Cars TV. Hey, Bush! You have to turn the TV around to watch it! You silly old man!Labels: american gladiators, george bush, john mccain, rudy giullani
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Labels: game shows, japan
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It seemed like just a few weeks ago that I joined up with you. I knew about you for sometime, but we just never seemed that compatible. You with your reputation of being associated with crappy bands, pathetic teenagers, child predators, and social retards. And me with my desire to not be associated with crappy bands, pathetic teenagers, child predators, and social retards. We just seemed like total opposites . I just couldn't see the thrill in showing off to complete strangers my personal photos, likes in bad music, or how many "friends" I have (most of which or also complete strangers).
But I relented. It seemed that if so many people wanted to join up with you, well, their must be something about you. And even though my desire to never do anything that's popular and guarantee to never be popular myself... or even that well liked, I gave up and joined with you.
Let's face it. We just were not made for each other. Considering I don't even care much about my own interests, it's kind of hard for me to get excited about displaying them for the world to see. And as little as I care about my own interests, I care about even less about everyone else's. Plus I told you I don't like spam, so why do you insist on serving it up to me everyday. And, I'd like to say looks do not matter, but everything about you is ugly. Your interface, your member's profile pages, your members... Speaking of which, please tell your ho-bots to stop bothering me, I do not want to be their friends. I'm afraid I might catch the clap by just looking at their profile photos.
So I hear January 30th is International Delete Your MySpace Account Day. That seems like as a good as reason as any to end our relationship, although the fact you totally suck are most horrible are probably better reasons.
-With Love and Devotion,
cheesegodLabels: myspace
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Everything that receives hype is always a let down. The final episode of Seinfeld, the 2007 Mets, the 2004 election, that peanut butter sandwich I ate last night.... So when I sat down last night to watch Cloverfield, the new monster flick from Lost creator J.J. Abrams, I wasn't expecting much.
The hype started back in July when the first trailer for the movie showed up on Transformers. The trailer featured a severed Statue Liberty Head flying across the streets on New York City disrupting a going away party. It featured no title, just the date 1-18-08. The film was codenamed Cloverfield and for months everyone on the internet buzzed about what this movie could possibly be. Then, they named the movie Cloverfield... so that killed a little bit of excitement right there. Then posters, commercials, and anything else that you can use for advertising all seemed to feature that headless Statue of Liberty. I began to wonder if that was the only thing the movie had going for it, that they had nothing else cool to show from the movie and therefor just kept showing that one scene. Finally, when the buzz on the internet started wondering if the movie would even ever show the monster responsible for decapitating national landmarks, I came to the conclusion that this film was just a cross between Godzilla and Blair Witch. And that wouldn't excite anyone. And, lets face it, many people have felt let down my Lost over the last season or two, so it seems Abrams would have experience in this.
But perhaps it was because I had killed all my positive expectations before I even started watching the movie is why I enjoyed it. Although Blair Witch meets Godzilla is still an accurate description, it did not suck like those two aforementioned movies.
Cloverfield, disguised as a classified government tape found in the site formally known as Central Park, is indeed a film about a couple of youngins getting their party disrupted by a mysterious monster while documenting the entire thing with a camcorder (By the way, this camcorder has to have the best surround sound I've ever heard, you'd think having only a singular microphone would give you nothing more than mono sound.). The camcorder gimmick gives us a more personable feel to the characters and the situation in the film, trying to make us feel like we could be right there with them and, overall, a more realistic feel to it.
The film keeps up a good amount of suspense as the characters try to rescue the main star's love interest from her midtown apartment. Although one could argue, as I am right now I guess, that the main star in the film is the monster and the destruction he (she?) causes . The characters presented in the movie aren't bad, but there's not exactly anything new or overly interesting about them. The most likable character, and possibly not coincidentally, is the one you see least. Hud, the guy operating the camcorder, is kind of like Moose from the Archie comics. Although, I have not figured out why he is named after the department of Housing and Urban Development.
I will not to go into too much details, as the the makers of the film seemed to want to keep everyone in the dark about it up until now. Plus much of the movie's suspense and action kind of rely on the "what's going to happen next" feel. But, yes you do see the monster.
So, anyway, yes, I recommend checking this movie out. It's a lot better than 27 dresses at least.Labels: archie, cloverfield, mets, movies, reviews
¶ 12:08:00 PM 0 Comments
I was horrified to learn today that many of my favorite rappers have been cheating. That's right, what we thought was talent and hard work turned out to be just steroid induced LIES!
I was a fan of Timbaland throughout his career, and became an even bigger fan when I realized he wasn't Justin Timbaland, the bizarro version of Justin Timerlake. But now that I know that when he performed "The Way I Are," the way he are was on steroids, well, my heart has dropped into my stomach. Without the steroids Timbaland could of been a great song writer, producer, and performer, but with the steroids he's still a great song writer, producer, and performer, but those muscles of his are fake. I'm not sure I can live with that. From now on every time I hear "Up Jumps Da Boogie" I won't be thinking about how that Boogie be jumpin at all, but rather I'll be thinking "Up Shoots Da Rapper"
50 Cent is another sad story. What school boy hasn't dreamed about being in Da' Club with him. But no more. Those dreams are smashed. I'd expect more from a ex drug dealer. Curtis James Jackson III, I am very disappointed in you, I want you to sit in the corner of your multi-billion dollar mansion and think about what you've done.
I'm not that surprised about Wyclef Jean though. I knew something was up when I saw him on American Gladiators last night:
The only question now is, will we be able to bring back the integrity and respecxt back to the fine art of rap music.Labels: 50 cent, justin timberlake, music, rap, steroids, timbaland, wyclef jean
¶ 12:17:00 PM 0 Comments
Some cried. Some rejoiced. Some were too shocked to say how they were. Most vomited and then stuck their head in the oven. But all felt some kind of feeling or took some kind of action when the news was learned yesterday that George W. Bush had be reelected president.
"Why? Why? Why the hell does God hate us so much," one teary eyed 5 year girl was able to say between crying spats.
Today, the day after the 2008 presidential elections have left everyone shocked including the president himself.
"I just want to say how shocked and happy I am, but my vocabulary and speaking skills are good enough for me to do so," Bush told us through his World of Warcraft avatar during a recent wizard raid through the secret woods of Magiclot.
But the shock didn't end there. Dick Cheney suffered 82 heart attacks, and the predicted winning ticket of Obama & Marmaduke were equally dismayed.
"I thought America wanted change," Obama shouted from the edge of a tall building, "I knew I shouldn't of bought into this fad of cartoon dogs for running mates."
So how could such a thing happen? Turns out it was those pesky Diebold voting machines are to blame.
"It seems we forgot to unrig them after the 2004 election," Diebold spokesman Joe Orsulak told us just moments before being lynched by an angry mob, "Our bad."
So it looks like it'll be business as usual for the next four years. Meanwhile the official Republican ticket is already talking 2012.
"In four years we are confident, that America will be ready for Huckabee & Odie."Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, george bush, joe orsulak, marmaduke, mike huckabee
¶ 9:53:00 AM 0 Comments
Just watched the Modern Marvels about Fast Food Tech on that there History network. A couple of things stand out to me.
First, an "expert" said that more people are eating Mexican food because they see it contains lettuce, tomatoes, and tortillas and think it's healthy. What? Anyone who's stupid enough to think Taco Bell is good for them probably deserve the healthy problems they are probably going to get. Let me give all our readers a helpful hint about food, if it makes you have explosive diarrhea, that's your body telling you it wants the food the hell out of it. If the food looks like gonorrhea before you eat it, perhaps you should pass.
Also, what's the History Channel's obsession with aligning food up. Before every commercial break is a fact about how if you put every French fry sold at McDonald's side by side it would wrap around the earth 20 times, or if you stacked up every pita from Taco Bell it'd be taller than the Empire State Building. Is this the only way we can measure how much food a retailer sells? When White Castle places an order with their distributer do they just ask for a couple of cases? Or do they instead ask for enough pickles to fill a kiddie pool?
By the way, their is really nothing on TV to watch anymore. Silly writers strike.Labels: history channel, mcdonalds, taco bell, white castle
¶ 6:48:00 PM 0 Comments
So apparently there is a forum called Sythe. What it is, I don't know, I don't care. The reason why I bring it up though is one member who has the clever handle of GameAddict94 on a has taken claim of creating cheesegod.com. He states, "I have also created a website called Cheesegod.com and it is all about funny things!"
Now, I'll tell you now I am not GameAddict94, or even GameAddict93. I'm sad to admit I'm not a game addict at all. I wish I was, but where does one find the time these days. Perhaps you could call me a MallomarsAddict as those are quite yummy, but I'm afraid if you did I'd get the image of being a fat loser.
I'm guessing Mr. GameAddict94 is a loser though. If I was going to falsely state things I've created it certainly would not be cheesegod.com. I'd take credit for digg.com, or Google, or even pets.com, but cheesegod.com? No, I don't think so.
Also, I certainly wouldn't be lying to get into a "Dev Core Team." I simply would just tell them my name and they'd be so taken back by how awesome I was and I'd be named their president. Then, after running the project into the ground because I had no idea what I was doing I'd be kicked out and cursed at for ages. But at least I wouldn't be a liar.
So what is my point through all this? I don't know. How about, don't do drugs and stay in school.Labels: cheesegod.com, liar
¶ 6:09:00 PM 1 Comments
Labels: Alvin and The Chipmunks, bad movies, video
¶ 9:33:00 AM 0 Comments
Have you ever wondered what the story is behind the world's largest Dixie cup? Yes, no, maybe. Hmmmm.... Well here it is anyway, wise ass:
Jason Jacome wasn't rich. He wasn't even poor. He had his wife, his 2 children, his pet cat, and even a cool little donkey figurine that dispensed cigarettes out it's rear. But Jason dreamed of bigger things... literally.
Every night was the same for Jason, he'd wake up mid night with the image of the paper rim rushing through his head. All day at work he would doodle little drawings of what he pictured to be quite the large object. At home Jason would lock himself in the bathroom for hours, staring at the Dixie cup he would hold in his hands.
Finally one day, after reading an inspirational Ziggy comic, Jason took a leave of absence from his job, emptied his savings account, and sold his ass butt dispenser.
At first Jason's family was supportive. His wife assumed it was just a phase Jason was going through, kind of like that week where he wore Bermuda shorts and spouted nothing but quotes from Ernest Goes To Jail.
But as the weeks passed, Jason continued to spend every moment he had in the basement working on his creation. As the bills piled up, and the children grew tired of eating what was left of the cat, Jason's wife decided she had enough.
The fact that his wife left him didn't matter to Jason though, because he had just discovered he could make progress much faster by using Elmer's white glue rather than the blowtorch.
Then one early Wednesday morning, the deed had been finished. Jason took his mammoth cup outside and proudly displayed it to the world. Neighbors gathered around and stared in amazement, local news reporters interviewed him, and school children would hold hands around the cup and sing songs of joy.
For a while life was good. But just like Twin Peeks, people eventually grew tired of it. The neighbors stopped looking, the reporters stopped reporting, and the school children were hit by bus. Worse yet, the bank took his house back, his wife and children were still gone, and an effort to sell the Dixie cup on eBay was foiled when UPS couldn't fit the cup on the truck to ship.
Now, Jason lives, all alone, inside his cup. But, if you ask him what his one regret is, he won't tell you that it's the fact that his family is gone. Or that the closest thing he has to a house is his cup. Or that his cat gave his children indigestion. No, his only regret is the fact that the cup doesn't have a roof.
"Everytime it rains at night while I'm sleeping I almost drown."Labels: dixie cup, ernest, twin peaks, ziggy
¶ 8:45:00 AM 0 Comments
In the flipping flopping world of international intelligence another sub chapter has emerged. On Monday President Bush showed proof that Iran is indeed developing Nuclear Weapons in the form of a text message from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
"You liberal thinkers are thinking to liberally," Bush told a crowd of reporters and, for some reason, his toy Furby, "but here in my hand I have proof. Proof that Iran is indeed not only making WMD, but already have said WMD."
This statement confused the room of reporters since the only thing anyone saw Bush holding was the Furby. Even the Furby looked a tad confused. But then Bush raised his other hand to show his Sidekick phone and the room of reporters, and the Furby, suddenly returned to their normal state of confusion.*
"Here, on my sidekick I have a text from one of my "five", Mr. Ahmanin.. omahaw.. ahmandijoin.. the Iran president."
Bush then held out his phone. The room fell silent. Since no one could read the phone since it was very far away from anyone to be able to read anything off the screen. Also, every reporter in the room was, as usual, at least the age of 92 years old and most likely didn't even know what a "sidekick" was. One reporter in the back was heard to mutter, "That's a sidekick? Eh, it's no Ed McMann."
After a few hours of silence one reporter finally fessed up that no one knew what was going on and Bush revealed to the sleepy crowd what the text message said:
"ur so dum. Ive WMD! I Win, u Lose."
Still, no one knew what was going on. But still, reporters rushed out to print "the truth" while MSNBC and FOX News pulled random teenagers off the street, dubbing them "Texting Experts", asking them for their professional insight on live TV.
Democracy lives on...
*There's always some confusion at press conferences at the White House. Reasons for this include the vaudeville act performed by cabinet members Robert Gates and Carlos Guiterrez beforehand to warm up the crowd and the 5 foot tall poster for Small Wonder that hangs outside in the hallway.Labels: george bush, iran, texting, wmd
¶ 9:12:00 AM 0 Comments
It was an exciting event here at the latest press conference run by the History Channel. Announcements ranged for new programing to a new electronic history book reader that can hold a hundred books, and will see the same price of two hundred. But perhaps most exciting is the news of History Hitler, the forth cable network to bear the History name.
"Well, when we started off we had about 5 billion years of history, which provided just enough programing to fill out our 24 hour a day network," History Channel presidentProfessor Finklebottom explained to the crowd of wild history buffs, "Then we realized that there were countries besides America, so we started HistoryInternational . After a while we noticed that the only thing that ever really happened in history was World War II, so we started the Military History network. And all was good. However, we realized no one likes the war itself. They just like Hitler."
With that explanation, the History Hitler network was revealed. History buffs in the crowd went wild. One man cried, another fainted. One woman declared she must of gone to heaven and become an angel and promptly jumped out the window to test her wings.
Programing on the network will be both old and not as old. Featured shows included: World War II: The Forgotten Battles, Hitler's Battle Plans, The Nazi Way, A Day in the Life Of Adolf,Mein Kempf: The TV Series, Hitler's Follies , Hitler in Space, Two Girls, a Guy, and a Nazi, America's Next Top Hitler, and a show simply titled Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.
"I'll have to buy a third TiVo just to keep up," History fan boy Joe Orsulak told us.
The network is also looking into to starting a 9/11 station hosted 24 hours a day by Rudy Giuliani.Labels: adolf hittler, giuliani, history channel, joe orsulak
¶ 8:42:00 AM 0 Comments
Nathan Petrelli is more of a hero than Superman I guess. Image stolen from Super Dickery.
Labels: comics, heros, superman
¶ 12:55:00 PM 0 Comments
I was checking out Google Hot Trends, a list of top rising search results, and was disturbed by what I found. No, I'm not referring to the fact that David Hyde Pierce for some reason made the top of the list on November 4th. I'm talking about number 64 on the day previous.
Now, I should warn you before you go click on that link and then ultimately follow it through to the video, that to only do so if you are one hell of a sick bastard.
Luckily, I read a description first, and was able to avoid the life scaring event that would occur if I had watched this piece of crap*.
In a nut shell, the video includes two girls kissing, defecating in a cup, drinking out of that cup, and then kissing again.
Now, despite the fact that this is obviously the worse thing to hit the web since goatse, or David Hyde Pierce, it's not so much the content of the video I'm overly consered with. I suppose anyone who gets turned on by poo needs to get their jollies somehow. No, it's the fact that it made it to number 64 on the Google Hot Trends list. How many damn people out there are into feces?
Can the internet users possibly paint themselves to be any more horrible? This and MySpace man. Proof that the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
*Literally!
QUOTE:
[Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]
Balki Bartokomous: Yours?
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: Yours... looks... just like mine.
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?
Larry Appleton: Dental records.
-Perfect StrangersLabels: david hyde pierce, feces, goatse, google, myspace, perfect starngers
¶ 11:13:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: abstinence, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:29:00 AM 0 Comments
MySpace has been popular for a couple of years or so now. As it has become more and more main stream I have grown to hate it more and more.
Is it the incredibly poorly designed profiles? The badly designed interface? The fact that it's owned by the unpropitious News Corp.? Or is it just my desire that hate everything that is popular and cast myself further and further from the mainstream?
Well, there are three facts. The profiles people create for themselves do look horrible, like some kind of hell for evil graphic designers. If they do desire to strive to make something that looks better for themselves, they're have a pain in the ass time doing so since the ease of customization is comparable to completing Dragon Force on expert in Guitar Hero. And, yes, News Corp, owners of The New York Post and FOX news, are extremely maleficent. As for that whole thing about me hating stuff just because it's mainstream, well, that's just silly... ahem.
But, as MySpace has become embedded in our civilization it has become harder to function not being part of the group. Not being on MySpace is like not owning a cellphone or a car*. Sure, there are alternatives threatening MySpace's empire, such as Facebook, but lets face it, it isn't going anywhere too soon. MySpace is like the MP3, outdated old technology of poor quality. The only reason anyone still uses it is because they are comfortable with and everyone else uses it.
So, I've given up. Perhaps it's not News Corp's fault MySpace is full of morons who don't understand it's of poor design to have songs preload and play, that sixteen embedded youtube videos isn't a good idea, and the only reason they have so many friends on the site is because all those people just wanted to have a lot of friends on their profile and will add anything that moves, or doesn't move, as their friend.
As I told myself this, I logged onto MySpace and created a profile for myself. Now I feel dirty, so dirty. Excuse while I go take a shower.
QUOTE:
"For a long time it gave me nightmares... witnessing an injustice like that... it's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him... silly rabbit, tricks are for kids... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?"
-Carlon, Fresh Price of Bel-AirLabels: fox, guitar hero, myspace, news corp, ny post
¶ 4:22:00 PM 0 Comments
RANT:
Another week, another recall. It seems these days there is no toy or no food safe enough to eat. Whether it's finding out that the frozen pizza last night might of just given you e coli or Anderson Cooper showing off the asbestos he has floating around in his blood, everything in the media is making us scared of everything. It has come to the point where just approaching the frozen food section of Target makes me start to shake and break out in a cold sweat.
Choosing an item to eat is like spinning the roulette wheel of incurable diseases. Are Bubba burgers still safe to eat, or will I find out tomorrow that they've been injected with lead paint. What about Digiorno's? Is that going to give me herpes? Maybe I'll just stick with the White Castle, sure it'll give me diarrhea, but at least that's all it'll give me... I hope.
Perhaps I'm better off just buying a cow, some chickens, and growing my own crops. Of course the ground is so polluted and the feed for the animals is probably tainted. I'd likely be no better off. That and I'm lazy. I don't even want to clean up after my dog, forget a damn cow.
---
TV:
Last night's Simpson's opened up with a joke about those annoying TV bugs that advertise upcoming shows across the lower third of the TV screen.
It's been done before (twice just by The Simpson's itself, once, quite brilliantly, during the Simpson's Movie) but never this violently. A series of show advertisements came on across the screen as Marge put a gruesome end to each, including sticking House's Hugh Laurie in a microwave, then feeding him to Homer as part of a loaf.
I was hoping one of the show bugs Marge destroyed would be Family Guy, which featured a similar gag a couple of weeks earlier. On Family Guy, a bug for The Simpson's was attacked by Quagmire. He raped Marge and then murdered the rest of the Simpson's family. Nothing funnier than rape. This segment didn't air in the US, although I hear it did in Canada. Sorry Canada.
By the way, why can't FOX ever air the Simpson's Halloween special earlier than a week after Halloween? Even with FOX losing the rights to half the baseball postseason this year, they still can't seem to get this show on in time. Stupid Red Sox.
---
QUOTE:
"Man, you're like school during the summer. No class."
-Rudy, from Fat Albert.Labels: bubba, burgers, Canada, e coli, family guy, fat albert, food, pizza, simpsons, white castle
¶ 9:00:00 AM 0 Comments
"Eh? Think About It."
The plot to this movie has more holes than the movie "Holes", and more clichés than the movie "Cliches" (Okay, okay, I made that movie up). I don't think I need to go any further than pointing out it features a cop on his last day before retirement to prove my point. But, hey, this movie isn’t all about plot, it’s about the anger.
Michael Douglas plays a man fed up with his life. He's divorced, misses his daughter, lives with his mom, and is laid off his job. Rather than take control of his life, he decides to take revenge on the small things that bother us every day. Things like traffic, overpriced convenience stores, impatient guys waiting to use payphones, racist guys that own army surplus stores, um... violent gang... hmmm. O, and of course there's the famous "I don’t want lunch, I want breakfast" scene:
Labels: bad movies, falling down, michael douglas, wendy's
¶ 12:03:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: amusement park, ride, slim jim, video
¶ 3:34:00 PM 0 Comments
It's pretty amazing how a sports team can effect your mood. As a Mets fan, I've pretty bummed out so far this week. They've lost 5 in a row, while the second place Phillies have won 6 in a row to pull up within 2 games of first place.
I don't know why such a thing should bother any sane person. It's not like we, the fans, have any real control over what happens. The best we can do is buy a hot dog while at the game to help pay off Carlos Delgado's salary.
It's an odd bond between fan and team. You watch the team play every day, get to almost feel like you know each player. They have no clue who you are, and they don't care. You can cheer, rant, or cry all you want they're not going to win a game for you. They're playing because they want to win, not because you want to.
I suppose it's not much different than watching an action movie. Except in a movie, you know the good guy is going to win in the end. In baseball, there's no such guarantee. Every fan thinks their team is the good guy. There isn't really any bad guys (except for Barry Bonds). Everyone hates the Yankees and could possibly define them as the villains of baseball, but the Yankee fans would probably disagree with you.
So, logically we should all just be able to sit back and enjoy the game and not worry so much. Yeah, right....Labels: barry bonds, baseball, mets, yankess
¶ 10:19:00 AM 0 Comments
Moving out of your parents house is huge step in the path to independence from creepy guy living in his parents' basement. It's a well known fact that most of these creeps surf the internet anywhere from 0 to 24 hours a day. So there's a good chance you, the reader, might be one of these guys. Therefore I'm going to share some of my vast experience of the subject with you poor fools.
After I moved out of parents house I had a hard time adjusting. I probably should of figured out what I was going to do before I moved out, you know like decided where I'd live, where I'd get money, or learn how to cut the crust off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiched myself.
I moved to Greece for a while. I remember learning when I was a child that the Gods lived at the Acropolis. Unfortunately when I got there all I found was a stray cat roaming around. I worshiped the cat for a while until one day a dog killed it. I thought maybe the dog was the real God letting me know that I'd been worshiping a fake God, but I also wondered if the dog was actually the devil. It was all very confusing, so I moved back to America where I can find a Jesus in every church to worship.
Life was hard when I got back, I needed to find a place to live. They say home is where the heart is. That's stupid, I can't live inside my own chest. I've also heard people say "home sweet home." I guessed I'd know when I'd find my home because it'd taste good. This knowledge didn't help me much though. Real Estate brokers tend to give you weird faces if you lick the walls while they're showing you a house. They got pissed and I think I got Tuberculosis, which landed me in the hospital. But that's okay it gave me a place to sleep for a while, well until the nurses kicked me out for tasting the floors.
Eventually I was taken in by some bums who lived behind the 7-Eleven. They actually had a pretty nice set-up. They built a hut out of discarded slurpree syrup. Sometimes the guy who ran the place would feel sorry for us and give us some free big bite hot dogs, which we'd use to lure in rats and pigeons to eat.
Yeah, life was pretty sweet at that point, but it still seemed something was lacking. I'm not sure what is was. Perhaps it was the fact that we had no heating, or roof. We tried to make a roof out of old newspapers once, but people kept coming around reading our house. It was especially annoying when some commuter in a hurry would peel off one of our buttresses off to read on the train. I took my concerns to our lead resident, one leg Willie, but he called me a spoiled brat and kicked me out, well, not literally, Willie doesn't do much kicking anymore. It didn't matter much to me anyway, because although theslurpee was did taste pretty sweet, it just didn't seem right.
So I was on my own again. I spent a couple of nights walking around residential neighbors making a real sad face hoping someone might feel sorry for me and invite me to live with them. When that didn't work I tried sobbing as loudly as possible. That got the cops called anyway, and landed me in jail for the night.
Jail wasn't so bad though, it was free housing as far as I was concerned. I started to commit crimes every night so I could go back to jail. After a couple of nights the cops figured out my game and told me they were not going to arrest me anymore. I tried blowing up a couple of buildings, kidnapping the presidents daughters, not cleaning up after my dog, but the police didn't fall for any of it.
Back to square one, and pretty depressed, I decided to attempt the lowest thing possible. I started an internet blog. Now I'm no longer respected, but with the pennys I make every month off the Google ads I can afford a can of soda. It might not sound like much, but don't worry, I've got it all figured out. I'm going to hold onto that can and eventually the aluminum will go up value, like all precious metals do. It's either that or maybe Google will buy my website for 200 million dollars... hmm I have to remember to put a call in to Larry Page as soon as I save up enough cans to afford a cell phone.Labels: 7-eleven, bums, god, google, greece, jail, larry page, moving
¶ 8:54:00 AM 0 Comments
International movie star Lassie was arrested this past weekend after being suspected of running illegal football games in his Hollywood estate.
Cops paid a visit to Lassie's home on Friday night when neighbors complained of a foul odor coming from the area. Inside they found an illegal football game in progress being watched and held by a number of high rolling canines.
"It was awful, it's turns out the bad odor was the Cleveland Browns," Officer Mike Neil told us, "I haven't seen anything that made me this sick to the stomach since Mr. Bean's Holiday."
Many of the football players were injured with strained hamstrings, scraped knees, and hurt feelings. One player yelped in the corner because his helmet was too tight.
Ingred Termso of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Athletes) spoke out the issue earlier today on a televised press conference.
"It is horrible. Horrible. When will American learn that they are evil. Watching these 'sports' is not fun for anyone. You are all sick. You should die. You are dumb. What is wrong with you guys? Listen to me. It is not natural. Watch some paint dry or a nice game of Monopoly. These are fun, ethical alternatives. You are evil if you like sports. You will pay," Termso went on like that for a while... probably, I don't know, I was too busy paying attention to the Met's score scrolling across the bottom of the screen, and too lazy to hit the replay button on the TiVo remote.
Meanwhile matters have gotten worse for Lassie, whose real name is Haig Lassaderian. It is now being reported that as many as fifty bodies of football players have been dug up from the backyard of her house. Many electrocuted, some hung, a couple drowned, one killed with kindness.
Lassie was scheduled to begin shooting a comedy next month with Chris Tucker and Michael Ian Black about a two men who give birth to a dog, but the project now seems like it's in jeopardy.
"Damn it," Black told us, "Every time I'm about to finally hit it big something goes wrong. First my annoying personality, then my lack of acting ability, and now this."
All may not be lost however.
"Did you hear they're going to make another Pink Panther movie with Steve Martin and John Cleese. I didn't think the first one did that well," Officer Mike Neil told us.
We're not sure what that has to do with anything, but he said it.Labels: dogs, football, lassie, Mr. Bean, sports
¶ 9:42:00 AM 0 Comments
People win the lottery all the time. Almost everyday people win millions of dollars. So why not you? Do you think there's something wrong with you? Do you think the lottery commission has something against you? If you're worried they know about that horrible thing you did your cousin after Thanksgiving dinner last year. It's alright though, they know, but the fellows on the lottery commission are very liberal and accepting.
Now, anyone has a chance at winning the lottery. Even if you didn't buy a lottery ticket you have a chance at winning. You might find a winning lottery ticket on the ground or perhaps you could walk into the lottery claims center with an old Walmart receipt and claim it's the winning ticket. That rarely works though. It did once, but don't worry, the lottery commission had the employee who accepted the false winning ticket strapped to a chair nude while they hid him repeatably in the crotch with a weight on a string. They don't mess around.
While you might think stopping in at the Cigar hut down the road twice a week playing your favorite numbers is enough, you're living in a dream world. And not a cool dream world where you can kill little creatures wearing sheets and masks with vegetables like in Super Mario Bros. 2 (or Super Mario Bros. USA, if you live in Japan, but you probably don't... unless you do, but I doubt it... if you say you do, you are probably lying, stop lying you liar! I hate you!). No, you live in a cruel dream world, like that second Bob Newhart series.
However, there are many ways to improve your chances. These methods are battle tested. We sent them to Iraq, and they came back still shiny and brave as ever. Well, one method had a cheese stain on it from eating a Ba'Ba Beh Tamur, but these things happen.
First, never play the same numbers more than twice. If they've lost twice, they are loser numbers. How many times would you bet on the same losing horse? You should take these numbers out back and shoot them like Old Yeller. Put them out of their misery. If you don't have the heart to do it, hire Michael Vick to. He probably needs the work now anyway. Unless you have something against hiring ex-felons. What's your problem? Doesn't a guy deserve a second chance? Besides, Michael Vick hasn't done any jail time yet, so you better hire him now before it's too late and he becomes tainted.
Another sure bet is to send the folks on the lottery commission nice gifts. Try a smoked ham or a copy of It Could Happen To You on DVD. Also, track them down at their houses or at the school when they're picking up their children. Repeatably shout nice things at them like, "You smell like my aunt," or "If I was gay, I'd tap that." If you really want to be remembered, tattoo their name on your body. Don't worry, you can put it a inconspicuous place so everyone doesn't see it. Try the underside of your right buttocks. Just make sure you show it to them every chance you get.
Don't play the numbers from Lost. What are some kind of dweeb? Jeez.
Make sure to get yourself one of those cool looking vinyl sleeves they sell for you to keep your tickets in. What's the point of winning if the ticket is going to have a crease down the middle of it. I know if I had a winning ticket of 100 million dollars and it had a bended corner I'd never turn it in. It'd be too embarrassing. Maybe I'd be rich, but everyone would know I wouldn't take good care of my winnings. Think of it like this, you remember the movie Walk the Line when Johny Cash has that nice big house on the lake and he has his entire family over for a nice big Thanksgiving dinner? Well, you'd think he'd be happy will those good frieds and riches, but no, he left his nice tractor out in the mud! Well, I never saw the end of the movie, but I heard he died a few years ago! So think about that!
Now, you may have noticed I've mentioned Thanksgiving twice so far. Well, it's just a coincidence and has nothing to do with winning the lottery, so drop it.
Finally, always remember that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you played the game. But, well, their isn't really that much to playing the lottery, you just fill in some numbers, pay a dollar, and they give you a ticket. It's kind of hard to screw that up. So, when it's comes to the lottery, it absolutely does matter if you win or lose. If you haven't won yet, you are a loser. That's right, you are a loser! Damn it, get off my website, you loser!Labels: lottery, money, santa claus
¶ 9:41:00 AM 0 Comments
This past weekend I got to experience the thrill of the Long Island Balloon and Music Festival. The local papers pointed out the fact that this was the first time Long Island had the pleasure of hosting a balloon festival in five years. Reading that, us Long Islanders translated that as "You better go to the festival, because they're rare." But perhaps we should instead of taken the fact as maybe their had not been a balloon show in 5 years was for a reason.
After the hour long drive in ever increasing traffic we were ushered into a dead end street that had been poorly converted into an entrance to an airport runway turned parking lot. After reading signs leading up the end of the road that still read "Dead End," I wondered if the street was still really a dead end, and every car in car in front of me was just driving off a cliff and we were just following like lemmings (or at least like lemmings being pushed off a cliff by a Disney Film crew). But instead at the end of the road we found a rolled back chain fence and a pile of sand that was suppose to be a road circling oddly around trees. But no one minded, now their was finally a point to owning that big ass SUV on Long Island!
After the sand road we came to a gravel made substance that could pass for an actual road. Here we were led by lethargic volunteers in reflective vests to a grass field that was apparently now a parking lot. Again everyone happily drove around on the grass with their Hummers grinning stupidly no doubt thinking, "This must be what it's like to be in Iraq!"
But the fun of the parking lot didn't end there, because the grass field, er... parking lot, was conveniently located a good mile from the actual festival. But no need to worry about having to actually participate in the barbaric act of walking, because school buses were available to shuttle us back and forth. Along the ride on the shuttle I couldn't help but think about my Disney World last year and the monorail and ferries that would take you back and forth from the parking lot to the Magic Kingdom. Somehow it seemed fitting to me that the Magic Kingdom would have the monorail and Long Island would have an old broken down school bus.
Now one could surmise that after such an experience of just getting to the festival, only one of two things could be expected. Either it'd be great, and worth every ounce of trouble it took to get there, or, and of course what actually happened, the festival would suck equally.
You know those fairs they use to hold in the old Caldor's parking lot for one weekend a year? The ones with the rides that would squeak as you rode them and the carnival games that were so crooked you thought it must be part of the NBA referee's union. Well, this came pretty close to that glory. Of course those local fairs didn't charge you $25 to enter, nor did they charge you $4 for a 20oz bottle of cola.
Oh yes, the soda was quite expensive, as was every other type of food or beverage for sale on the grounds. I suppose they knew exactly what they were doing. Once we went through all that driving through traffic, sludging through sand, parking on grass, riding on cramped school buses, their was really nowhere to escape to if you wanted food, not easily anyway. They lure us in with the promise of perty balloons, and they rob us of all our cash.
Speaking of balloons, notice I have not mentioned any of those beautiful masses of colourful floating amazement? Good reason for that. See, there were none. Not a one, well their was one on it's side that, for $2, you climb around inside. Every so often we'd see a helium balloon floating away that escaped from some little kid and someone jokingly would point to and say, "Look, there's a balloon." The repeating of this joke throughout the day turned from mildly funny, to a sad reminder of the fact that it really might be the only balloon we'd see that day.
Then there was the music part of the "Balloon & Music Festival." And what was this music you might ask? Well, there was some radio stations on the scene playing their current on air music loudly. Something I never experience at home, of course the reason being is that listening to radio stations is more outdated than the stand-up comedy on the show Bananas.
After sludging around in the unbearable heat for what seemed like 4 hours, but may have very well have been much shorter, like 3 hours 52 minutes, we found relief at an abandoned booth for mystic candles. Here we found chairs to sit and shade to sit under, that, along with anything of interest or amusement, was all that was missing.
After hanging out hanging out in this psychic tent for a while, hoping someone would ask for a psychic reading so we'd have something to do, a miracle occurred. Off in the distance an AT&T logo appeared! No it wasn't the iPhone fairy, but an actual hot air balloon! We ran over to the balloon, as it filled up with air suddenly more balloons appeared nearby. Soon the logos for Mayflower, Curves, Target, Cablevision, and of course Remax appeared on balloons all around us. It happened 4 hours after we arrived, but it happened. One half of the Balloon and Music promise had been fulfilled.
Then from the speakers and jumbotron located at a nearby stage, the music of Pat Benatar filled the air. Granted, it was pretty lousy music from an artist who hasn't had a hit since Cop Rock was on the air, but it was still music, real music!
We watched as each balloon filled with air and then floated away... never coming back. Seriously, once a balloon was ready to go it either stood there for a while and then either deflated and was put away, or it'd float away and never come back. Where did they go? Nobody knows. There were theories. Some thought that they floated up to the sun to burn away, while other surmised that they were probably going to a better balloon festival.
Once Benetar launched into "Love is a Battlefield" as part of her first encore we knew it was time to go. We headed towards the shuttle buses, waved goodbye to the Energizer bunny balloon, patted ourselves on the back for a day well spent, and then vowed to never come back again.
Labels: balloons, iphone, long island, music, pat benetar, soda
¶ 9:34:00 PM 0 Comments
In the past there have been such memorable baseball theme nights has disco demolition night, nude night, all you can eat seats, and Drexel's Class Appreciation night. Well, I made that last one up, but the rest are real, I assure you.
Also real is the promotion the Mets Single-A affiliate Savannah Sand Gnats are hosting tonight. "Lindsay Lohan Drunk Driving Awareness Night" promises to educate baseball fans about the dangers of drunk driving by using Lindsay Lohan as an example.
Their methods are a little weak though. They'll have a wrecked car from a drunk driving accident on display and people doing Blood Alcohol tests. If they really wanted to get people to not copy Linsay Lohan they should just screen her latest crap-trap movie, "I Know Who Killed Me." That'd scar me enough to never leave the house again.Labels: alcohol, drunk, lindsay lohan, mets
¶ 12:13:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: 20/20, abc, food, money
¶ 1:44:00 PM 0 Comments
Nintendo also proudly displayed the WiiZapper, a $20 piece of plastic that'll hold the Wii controller together so somewhat resembles rifle or something. If guns aren't your bag, then you might want to try the WiiWheel, a plastic steering wheel that'll hold your Wii controller. Both of these new products are about as exciting as watching justin.tv. Of course Nintendo has new Mario, Metriod, and Smash Brothers games coming out this year, and announced a new Mario Kart for early next year. This is comparable to when movie theatres saw Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek the third, and Spider-Man 3 all come out in the same month, with the new Harry Potter just around the corner. When you got that many big titles out at once, it's not surprising a few other announcements with fade into the background. Think of WiiFit like it's Evan Almighty, maybe it might be good, but in comparison to Transformers playing one theatre down? Well... actually, if you ask me, your best off going a couple of more theatres down and checking out Knocked Up or Sicko. Or even better yet, just stay home and watch justin.tv, it'll help you appreciate all the Evan Almightys of the world. If you ask me though, and I don't know why you would, one of the best games is already out for the Wii. Last E3, when Nintendo announced that the Wii was going to be backwards compatible with the Gamecube, it was a bit of a shock. Never before had a Nintendo system had such a feature, then it was realized that the Wii was basically just a Gamecube with an extra hamster wheel powering it. So you might wonder with Wii's backward compatibility why one would repurchase a game that had already been out on the Cube for two years. Well, that's exactly what was asked of consumers with the release of Resident Evil 4: Wii edition. Perhaps like an idiot, I obliged and shelled out my $29.99 plus tax for a game I already owned. Idiot or not, I'm having fun shooting zombies with point and shoot controls, while you're still moping over the lack of announcement of a new Kid Icarus game.
Labels: e3, nintendo, video games
¶ 10:42:00 AM 2 Comments
The American movie watcher sure love their trilogies. Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Matrix, and Back to the Future have all made a hefty some of money. Star Wars has two trilogies, one good, one not so good. But for some reason everyone seems to forget about the Major League trilogy.
However, after viewing Major League III: Back to the Minors, I can safely say why people don't stand up and take notice of this trio of movies more often: The third film sucked. Not that the first two were golden pieces of film history themselves, but they at least seceded in being a goofy fun movie about baseball. The only thing Major League seems to succeed at was providing HBO Comedy something fill up their 2am spot with.
Major League III stars Scott Bakula of Quantum Leap, and Ted McGinley of Married With Children. Now you may say, "Hey, I don't remember either of these two 'As Seen on TV' actors being in either of the first two Major League movies!" Well my friend, not to worry, you are not suffering from some kind of terrible brain parasite that eats your memories, neither of them were. So why are they in this film? Because either A) the producers were too cheap to rehire most of the original actors, or B) they offered it to the original actors, but they were smart enough to turn it down (except for Charlie Sheen who was probably in rehab). Either way, this new cast results in a movie with a storyline about as enthralling as an episode Married with Children and as funny as an episode of Quantum Leap.
Oh, not to worry, some of the original actors came back. Who could forget such big name actors as Dennis Haysbert, Bob Uecker, Corbin Bernsen, Eric Bruskotter, Takaaki Ishibashi, and Steve Yeager. All of them household names of course. It's never really explained how the characters playing these characters wound up in the Minors plaing for The Buzz. In one movie they're on the American League Championship team, the next movie they're all playing together on a struggling Minor League team. Roger Dorn, played for the Indians in the first film, owned the Indians in the second, and in the third somehow seems to own the Twins. Bob Uecker, who greatest acting job was on Mr. Belvedere, is now the play by play announcer for the Buzz, with no explanation of why he's no longer the announcer for the Indians.
The new characters added to film add little. There's a pitcher who solely depends on his fastball and talk like a surfer, a pitcher who throws extremely slow and might also be a doctor, an aging first baseman named Pops (kind of like Julio Franco, they're both old, and they both suck) a kid named Downtown who... you know what it's not worth the effort it takes for me to push the keys down on my keyboard to continue with these character descriptions.
I'll give you a synopsis of the plot, but even if you've never seen the movie, and for your sake I hope you have not, I'm sure you can guess for the most part what it is. In short: Team sucks. New manager takes over team. Manager teaches team, using some unorthodox methods. Team gets better.
Now, to be fair, theirs a little more to the plot than that, like the rivalry between Bakula's minor league manager character with McGinley's Major league manager character and some other pointless filler, but you get the gist.
The Seinfeld theory is that comedies don't need a great plot (or any plot) to be enjoyable, because the jokes themselves that carry the show. However, when your jokes include such lines as, "If he says Bigs again I'm going to pinch is head off," and "And I thought you came here because you missed the sound of my voice." you're out of luck. The jokes in this film are not strong enough carry Nicole Richie if she were on the moon.
Of course this movie is eight years old so you may be wondering why in the world I even care. Well, because I care about those out there who may be one browsing the deep discount used video bin at Blockbuster and pick up this title and consider buying it. Let this be your warning, stay away.Labels: baseball, movies, seinfeld
¶ 11:42:00 PM 0 Comments
Oh yes, their will be no more choosing whether to carry your iPod, camera, cell phone, or bible with you. Now you can take them all in one magnificent shiny black box. The iPhone is coming.
No longer will you have to go a single second wondering if anyone has posted a comment to your myspace page. Next time you have the urge to watch the latest idiot lip-syncing to a Backstreet Boys song while on the bus you can. The iPhone is coming.
This Friday you'll be able to increase your credit card debt another $500 to $600. You'll finally be able to spend $60 or more a month on a cell phone plan.
The iPhone is coming.
You can finally leave your wife, quit your job, blow off your friends, burn down your house (or better yet sell it, you'll need to cash to pay for the phone), crash your car, give away all your clothes, saw off your legs, and carve out your imagination. You don't need any of it anymore. The iPhone is coming.
The iPhone is shiny, smooth, sexy, and without a doubt, the greatest thing to happen to you since birth. It is the reason you were born. Your only purpose in life is to own this contraption. You must give yourself over to it. Surrender your mind, spirit, and soul. The Holy Trinity is now the Holy Square. The Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the iPhone. Actually, who needs all that extra filler, let's make the Holy Trinity Steve Jobs, Apple, and the iPhone.
After Friday, the iPhone will the new favorite for President in the 2008 election. An iPhone will replace the book on the Statue of Liberty. The iPhone will be carved into the side of Mount Rushmore. The iPhone will be named the new host of Price is Right. The Yankees will sign the iPhone for 22 million dollars. The iPhone will be the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary.
The world is changing, it's getting better. Their has never been a more exciting time to be alive. Pure happiness. Some have surmised, probably correctly, that everyone is going to die Friday, because the iPhone is heaven.
Dates will now end in the prefix BP and AP, before iPhone and After iPhone.
Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself, for the the best, most exciting, thing to ever happen to you.... until the second generation iPhone is announced.
Labels: apple, iphone, steve jobs
¶ 11:05:00 PM 0 Comments
Us adults are so lucky. We get to waste entire days away playing online games. Sitting on our numb posteriors, staring at our warm glowing monitors until our eyes dry up... then we remember to blink and we play some more. We play hooky from our jobs, skip school, and ignore housework just so we can be one step closer to gaining that level 42 headdress. You know the one, it has +32 healing chance, +108 armor, a slight increase in hit probability, but unfortunately it also a 36% decrease in hygiene.
Yep, we sure are cool. But what about our children? How are we suppose to be able to watch them and farm spider eggs at the same time? Yeah, you can park them in front of the TV or buy them another Game Boy game. But really, how many times can they watch High School Musical or suffer through yet another Pokemon game. Yeah, that's right Pikachu, I'm calling you out. What's with your crazy games being released in pairs anyway? Red & Blue, Silver & Gold, Diamond & Pearl, Milk & Cookies, Goofus & Gallant. I'm tired of it.
It'd be great if we could keep our kids busy with online games too. But the chatrooms ruin that. You never know what elf or wizard might be a pedophile. After all, pedophiles are everywhere nowadays; at the park, at our schools, at the mall, on dateline NBC, on the internets, in my crackerjacks, or on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (AKA the show where every week they somehow manage to come up with another exciting way someone can be raped and murdered, now that's quality TV.) Last night I shot a pedophile in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Ironically, if it wasn't for those darn pedophiles (Those Darn Pedophiles? Isn't that a sitcom on FOX this fall?) online games would be almost perfect for kids. Kids love video games, it'd keep out of that damn sun that gives them skin cancer, keep them away from the parks where even it almost slightly possible social interaction is waiting for them, and all the people already playing these games seem to have the same mental capability as an eight year old anyway.
But wait! The Canadians have saved the day once again (the other time being when they provided us with Keanu Reeves, I cry every time at the ending of Hardball... or am I thinking of Constantine, I always get those two confused). Canadian company Ganz has provided us with Webkinz. It can best be described as Beanie babies, simple online gaming, and a huge mass of fecal matter mixed together.
Kids can buy a stuffed animal from their favorite Hallmark store and then register it on the Webkinz website where they can now play with a cartoon version of it online. Kids can watch with amazement has they mix three random items to make food for their pets or buy furniture for them to crawl around on. But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
I just said "buy." You can buy anything without cash, kinzcash that is (oh snap!). Kinzcash can be earned by playing super simple flash games. Just picture one of those games from Pogo or Yahoo! Games but with an annoying talking animated dog or a farting weasel (alright, alright, there's no farting weasel, but a boy can dream, can't he?). If you thought that stupid Microsoft Word animated paper clip that doesn't mind his own business was annoying, well... those of who have experience the annoying talking webkinz animals have a word for you folk, "virgins."
And that brings me to the social interaction part. Your kids will be able to meet people in the game and show them the little house you regurgitated for your pet or compete in cooking contest with them. Fortunately for overprotective parents like you, you'll be happy to hear that Ganz has taking every step to make this experience as kid safe and free from fun as possible. Your kids can talk to them all you like, but don't expect any real conversation, all chats are limited to whatever you can select from a drop down menu of preselected banter. So, they will not be able to tell anyone, "Hey, your house looks like Goatse," or "Hey little girl, wanna see my Goatse." In fact, there's no references to Goatse at all in this game, and when you come down to it, isn't that what online gaming all about... well, it isn't, you sicko.
And your lucky child will be able to this all they'd like for a year, at which point I suppose their pet is placed under virtual house arrest and not allowed any visitors. But not to fret, their pet can be set free for another year with the purchase of another Webinz. Not that's really that bad of a price to pay, considering popular online games such as Lord of the Rings Online or Everquest cost about $15 a month to play. Of course those two games aren't horrible, well... not Lord of the Rings anyway. Not that any of this matters, by the time a year rolls around Webkinz will be as popular with your children as a Tamagotchi.
In case your wondering, your pet can't die, no matter how much you neglect them or treat them poorly. Which means your child isn't going to really learn any responsibility from Webkinz. But, whatever they do learn from it., it'll probably be better than any parent who just pawn their kid off onto video games and TV can.Labels: Canada, Gameboy, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, video games, webkinz
¶ 11:15:00 AM 0 Comments
"To eat the Onion Rings" \too eet thuh uhn-yuhn rĭngs\, verb:
To have a disappointing ending or outcome. Example: The 2004 election ate the onion rings.Labels: onion rings, sopranos
¶ 11:26:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: english muffin, ham, pickel
¶ 7:45:00 PM 0 Comments
Yeah, that's pretty strange. But not as strange as the also viewed section:
So, if this data is correct, there are people who are interested in driving a tank while eating a whole rabbit and washing it down with a gallon of milk. Afterwards, being tired out, they'll relax in some kind of space age capsule with an 'Inflatable Party Sheep'. Seems logical...
Of course, more likely some blog listed all of the items above in some kind of "Strange Items on Amazon" post, everyone who looked at the items would see them all and skew the data. But I like my theory better.
See more here
Labels: amazon.com, milk, tank
¶ 7:36:00 PM 0 Comments
Have you seen the new Wendy's commercial for their new shake? A women constantly offers her boyfriend a taste of her beverage until she finally finds out that he's not really there.He's deceived her with a hologram, he's really at "the game." Hilarious...
The real joke is though that they're on a date at Wendy's. Funny fun!Labels: dave thomas, wendy's
¶ 7:55:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: children's television, kid's quest, television
¶ 11:33:00 AM 1 Comments
This ad that appeared in Monday's newspaper is a real head scratcher.
Is there anybody out there that would see this ad and be like, "Holy Crap! Frasier directed that episode! I must watch!"
How bad are things for the CW that this is what they hope will bring 'em more viewers?
Oh well, let's all watch this video clip of Kelsey doing an symbolic impersonation of his career after Frasier:
Labels: frasier, kelsey grammar, the cw
¶ 12:38:00 PM 0 Comments
"God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve."
-- Rev Jerry Falwell, blaming civil libertarians, feminists, homosexuals, and abortion rights supporters for the terrorist attacks of Tuesday, September 11, 2001, to which Rev Pat Robertson agreed, quoted from John F Harris, "God Gave US 'What We Deserve,' Falwell Says," The Washington Post (September 14, 2001)
"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
-- Rev Jerry Falwell, America Can Be Saved, 1979 pp. 52-53, from Albert J Menendez and Edd Doerr, The Great Quotations on Religious Freedom
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
-- Jerry Falwell (attributed: source unknown)
"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
-- Rev Jerry Falwell, Sermon, July 4, 1976
" If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."
-- Rev Jerry Falwell (attributed: source unknown)Labels: hell, jerry falwell, religion
¶ 5:57:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: Arrested Development, Christopher Walken, Donkey Kong, movies, Mr. Bean, Seth Rogen, trailers
¶ 1:23:00 PM 0 Comments
From Mail & Guardian Online
[Paris Hilton] on Tuesday appealed to fans to sign an online petition urging California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to commute her 45-day sentence for driving while disqualified. "If the late former president Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon former president Richard Nixon after his mistake(s)," reads the appeal, "we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we expect that the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request."
First of all, who in the Water World would be a Paris Hilton fan? Someone hoping one day to be an alcoholic? A drug addict? A whore? Someone who loves bad acting? Someone who loves staying at Hilton hotels? I don't get it.
I love the whole Hilton as Nixon thing. They're so much a like. Let's see Nixon opened up diplomatic relations with China, helped create the EPA, reformed the postal service, indexed Social Security for inflation and added Supplemental security income. And Paris Hilton gave us a remake of House of Wax. So I can see how they're the same.
Meh, what is with some people?
Labels: drugs, Nixon, paris hilton
¶ 10:52:00 AM 0 Comments
Concert goers attending the festival at Glastonbury this year should be mighty pleased. Besides getting to see such hit artists as Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, The Who, and Shirley Bassey they also won't have to worry about running out of bathroom tissue.
Every ticket holder to the festival will be given a free roll of toliet paper upon arriving.
I must say, it's much better than what I get at concerts here in the US. I'm lucky if I can get a bottle of water for less than $4, while these lucky Brits are getting toilet paper! How could we have let America fall so far behind?
Labels: music, toilet paper
¶ 11:00:00 PM 0 Comments
HSBC bank has denied God a checking account. The reason? Because HSBC doesn't allow accounts to people with only one name. God said how about "Almighty God," but HSBC didn't like that either.
Of course it wasn't the God that has been denied, but rather just some guy who changed his name to God in an effort to sell books. Not a bad idea actually, considring the number one selling book of all time is the bible.
Read More here if you so desire.
¶
10:49:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: england, english, lily allen, madness, music
¶ 7:49:00 PM 0 Comments
Researcher Dr. Harry Witchel has announced he has found the world's most bummer of a playlist.
By measuring heart rates, breathing, and skin temperature of people listening to music, Witchel has discovered these songs to be those most likely to drive you to suicide:
1. The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work
2. Robbie Williams - Angels
3. Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
4. Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
5. Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U
6. Will Young - Leave Right Now
7. Elvis Presley - Are You Lonesome Tonight
8. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
9. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover
10. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
Bleh, whatever. I'm not sure I buy it. I guess the Sinead O'Conner song could piss off the catholics and the Christina Aguilera song would piss off anyone with musical taste. But I suppose either way I wouldn't want to listen to these all in a row.
UPDATE: I've a made a playlist of these songs on iTunes. Or at least the ones iTunes carry.
Labels: christina aguilera, elvis presley, james blunt, music, radiohead, robbie williams, sinead o'conner, verve, whitney housten, will young
¶ 9:37:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: mario kart, nintendo, nintendogs, video games
¶ 11:09:00 AM 0 Comments
, or if the Mets lost.
Labels: daily news, mets, misprint
¶ 10:15:00 AM 0 Comments
Well they haven't officially come out and said that's why the water tower looks like that today, but c'mon... we know that's the reason.
Labels: birthday, cheesegod.com
¶ 10:15:00 AM 0 Comments
I'm not one to put down anything I get for free, especially when it's Simpson's related, but... what the hell is it? A big foam donut? Removing the wrapper from it didn't seem to answer any questions:
Then I had an idea. Like any sane person would, I put it in a tub of water:
Now, mind you, there was no indication on the donut anywhere of what this was, or what I was suppose to do with it. But I had a hunch, and as you can see above, after putting it in the water it began to get some yellow discoloration.
Looks, like we're getting somewhere now.
Dripping wet with goodness.
The final final product! A very wet and wrinkley t-shirt!
Make sure to join us next time here on Mystery Donut theatre!
Labels: donut, shirt, simpsons
¶ 6:15:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: bubblegum, commercials
¶ 10:36:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: english, jokes, madness
¶ 12:41:00 PM 0 Comments
My favorite candy, Reese's Bites, has bit the dust it seems.
You may say, "Who cares? Just eat Reese's Cups." Well, first of all, obviously I care, and second, shut up. Reese's in mini ball form made it a much better treat.
I don't know what I'll snack on now. I'll have to hang my head and cry I suppose.
All of the Hershey Bite line has been discontinued. They included Kit Kat Bites, Hershey Bites, and Mr. Goodbar bites.
¶
11:13:00 AM 2 Comments
Sure, the media bombards me with the news of the deaths of people I could care less about like Anna Nicole Smith and Don Ho, but it takes me over a month to find out John Inman died.
If you don't know who John Inman is it probably means you don't watch enough BBC or PBS.
I'm Free.
Labels: BBC, John Inman, PBS
¶ 7:14:00 PM 0 Comments
From the restaurant of the week file, here's an eatery in China I learned about from an Indian newspaper:
A restaurant in the southern Chinese town of Shenzhen, where seats are similar to toilets and plates are designed as commode, is gaining popularity. Known for its slogan 'dinning on a toilet', the restaurant is decorated to resemble big lavatories, with two big toilets at the front entrance.
Customers sit on toilet like seats which are covered with colourful glass. Glass-top dinning tables are shaped like squat toilets. Lin, the boss of the four-restaurant chain, got the inspiration to set up a "toilet-themed" restaurant after visiting an exhibition in Paris on toilets.
Labels: steve guttenburg
¶ 4:18:00 PM 0 Comments
Apparently the mixture of Tylenol PM and heroin is known as "cheese." I wonder how many visitors to this site get here thinking it's some kind of pro-drug website. Whatever, people spun out on heroin will probably like this better than normal people anywhere.
At any rate, not knowing the above information would make the headline featured in The Dallas Morning News confusing:
Suspect arrested in teen's fatal 'cheese' overdose
Labels: cheese, cheesegod.com, drugs
¶ 3:58:00 PM 0 Comments
China is quite excited about having the Summer Olympics in Beijing in 2008. The country can show off it's thriving economy, let us marvel at how they actually got communism to work, and block their own citizens from reading anything we may say negatively about it on our blogs.
But it seems to not be all cheers and giggles in China. They have their worries too. It seems those who inhabit Beijing have a bit of a problem keeping their saliva where it belongs.
Yes, China has unleashed a media campaign warning their citizens to stop spitting all over the place. Remember that scene from the first Naked Gun movie with all the baseball players spitting everywhere, apparently it's like that all the time in China (don't feel bad if you don't remember it, I feel ashamed that I do).
Another concern is the poor English on display on their billboards. Translated correctly it would read, "Find something new and be pleasantly surprised." But I for one prefer the current version, I'm always pleasently surprised by getting groped.
Read more at The New York Times.
Labels: china, engrish, naked gun, spiiting
¶ 3:37:00 PM 0 Comments
The Nixon guy shouted something in Japanese and pointed at the TV, I walked over to it, turned it on, and then my head exploded with delight. On the screen was the long rumored, little confirmed, MMO that was all the rage last week on Digg. All I could think about was how jealous the guys over at the Planet Gamecube boards were going to be when they heard about this.
I quickly started the game and was brought to the character creation screen. I chose to make myself a human plumber, I though about being a goomba or a magikoopa, but I decided to go the traditional route.
The opening quickly explains how Bowser has finally caught Mario and is now reeking havoc on the mushroom kingdom. Desperate for help, Luigi has opened a warpzone between Brooklyn and the Mushroom Kingdom.
After completing the tutorial level I am dumped into a village of Toads. I found another player, a level 7 Power-Up Shyguy, who helped me out by tossing me mushrooms and Fire Flowers while I kill off koopa turtles in the Mushroom forest.
After getting to level 3 I decide to run some quests. An NPC Toadette asks me to pick her some turnips from the garden. The garden is on the other side of the forest, so I jump on a Yoshi and ride my way over. After bringing her back the turnips, Toadette awards me with 300xp and a +5 Squash Power Overalls.
It was about this point the Nixon Cat man shouted something and TV imploded. I guess my time was up. One of the guards came up to me, made me sign a Non-disclosure agreement, and then chopped off one of my fingers.
They told me as long as I didn't tell anyone about these events that transpired I'd get my finger back once the NDA was up. But I didn't want to betray my loyal readers and keep secrets from them. Who needs all 10 fingers anyway.Labels: MMO, nintendo, Nixon, video games
¶ 2:48:00 PM 0 Comments
Not only does Prince's guitar apparently look like sexual body part, it can stain sheets like one!
I'm sorry, I have to go take an IQ test now. I'm pretty sure reading this just made me DUMBER.
Where's that Bob Dole Super bowl commercial when you need it?
Oh no! Devil Penis!
"Even a man and woman would of been inappropriate..." Is this guy just opposed to kissing, period? Perhaps just accidentally kissing while eating? I wonder if this guy is equally disgusted by Lady & The Tramp.
Labels: bob dole, disney, fcc, super bowl
¶ 12:42:00 PM 0 Comments
I guess it's lack of sleep that makes the crazy cat lady so crazy!
Labels: google, simpsons, sleep
¶ 6:23:00 PM 0 Comments
Britney Spears has announced she is now fully ready to star in the V for Vendetta sequel, planned to start shooting this March.
"I'm so excited about playing the role in this film," Spears told us on her way from her monthly Mensa member meet up, "the first was so groundbreaking, and I hope to help bring the sequel to an even higher level."
Spears has been preparing for the last month for the role. She shaved her head for the role, and entered R.E.H.A.B. (which, as we all know is an acronym for "Really Engaging Helpful Acting Braintrust").
"Everyone has been so supporting," Spears said, "My ex-husband, Kevin let me practice my sword moves with an umbrella against his car, and even the media has chipped in."
Spears explained to us how the mainstream media has published fake stories about her so she know how it feels to be alienated and have the world against her, much the way her character feels in the upcoming film (tentatively titled 'W for Wearisome').
Well Britney, we look forward to seeing you in your best film since "Crossroads" and we salute you for being America's sweetheart!Labels: britney spears, v for vendetta
¶ 10:07:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: anna nicole smith, iraq, news media
¶ 11:42:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: cheesegod.com, gay
¶ 7:55:00 PM 0 Comments
Need some convincing? How about:
The Hallmark Channel
How exactly do you base a station on a greeting card? I'm pretty sure it's not by scheduling nothing but Walker Texas Ranger and Diagnosis: Murder reruns.
The Learning Channel
Sorry TLC. You use to be good. Back in the days of cable you were a nice supplement to the Discovery Channel as part of the education through TV experience. Now the only things you show are about decorating other people's house and "flipping" houses. The only thing I've learned from you is how annoying this reality TV virus can be.
QVC, Home Shopping Network, America's Store, Jewelry TV, ShopNBC
Why do these stations still even exist. Getting ripped of shopping from your home may have been novel 15 years ago, but doesn't the internet fill that role now?
FOX Reality
Why they hate us.
GAS
Why did Nickelodeon make this channel? Why? You might as well relabel it the Guts and Figure It Out Network, after the only two shows on this channel.
Music Choice
Does anyone actually listen to music on their TV? Why, why would you do that? No, I'm willing to bet no one does. The only reason these stations exist is so that cable company's can add another 50 to their total channel count to boast about.Labels: chuck norris, dick van dyke, fios, fox, music choice, tlc
¶ 7:33:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: blue state, cracker barrel, food
¶ 10:58:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: chainey, christ, movies, passion of the christ
¶ 10:10:00 PM 0 Comments
1/12/07 - When Apple Runs Out Of Ideas
1/19/07 - Facts you won't find in Wikipedia
1/26/07 - When Wii Attacks
Hope you've enjoyed your 2007 so far!
Labels: cheesegod.com, updates
¶ 4:24:00 PM 1 Comments
I was reading the latest Nintendo Power today, I do so as to fit in with the rest of the kids, and I noticed the above advertisement.
There are a number of things about this ad that either confuse me, I find interesting, I find interesting because it confuses me, or I find so interesting that I get confused how I could find something this mundane of any interest.
First, this kid is ugly. He looks like Charlie Brown if someone sat on his head. He also is either very limber, or his bones somehow can bend. Perhaps his pot is for medicinal purposes because of the severe pain he's in from his boneitus. Maybe he's smoking it because he's so ugly that, um, I don't know, I guess there's not really any reason why you smoke pot because you were ugly.
This kid also seems to only have one wall in his house. And his only furniture is a pillow and a pot plant. Maybe this ad is trying to tell us that if you waste all your money on pot you can't afford to have such luxurious things like chairs, or walls, or a color besides mustard yellow.
But the main message here seems to be that smoking a joint will make you too lazy to walk the dog and you'll lose his respect. This guy's house will not only have a horrible smell of marijuana, but also will stink of dog crap and dog urine because no one taking the dog out. It's a good thing that this guy is missing a wall, it'll help air the place out.Labels: anti-drug, dogs, drugs, marijuana, nintendo, pot, weed
¶ 4:06:00 PM 0 Comments
The kids go to the clubhouse to talk to Colby, who, by the way seems to a Casio keyboard with a face made out of foam rubber. The kids ask Colby why God would let a person who fought for our country to wind up homeless. Colby tells the children, all we know about this WWII veteran is that he fought in a war. We don't know what he's done since, or what he'll do in the future.
So, in other words, he deserves it. Don't question God's way. Shut up kids, quit your whining.
Right before I flipped to the next station they decided to pray for the veteran. Better than nothing I suppose.Labels: casio, clubhouse, colby, fios, god, verizon, wwii
¶ 11:38:00 PM 2 Comments
The average ant can lift 10 times it's own weight, but can not lift it's own spirits.
TV Sitcom, The Hogan Family, had nothing to do with Hulk Hogan... sorry.
ABC launched a sister station in the early nineties cleverly called DEF. It was the first major network to be targeted towards Deaf people. The programing mirrored that of ABC, but all the actors would yell their lines so all could hear. However, it caused John Stamos to lose his voice causing ABC's biggest show, Full House to go off the air for a month. ABC went bankrupt, leaving the network vulnerable to a take over from Disney.
Grossman's Hardware store was named because they sold every item in units of 144.... and the guy who owned the place always had his fingers up his nose.
Every time I go to Taco Bell, I see plenty of Tacos, but never any bells. I see a bell at Long John Silver's, but never any long johns nor any silver. One time at White Castle I saw a guy with silver teeth wearing nothing but long johns... but I think he was a tad touched in the head.
Labels: abc, ant, full house, gatorade, grossmans, hogan family, hulk hogan, john stamos, koolaid, long john silvers, taco bell, white castle
¶ 10:33:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: anniversary, change, redesign
¶ 2:51:00 PM 2 Comments
Labels: dr. pepper, soda
¶ 11:34:00 AM 2 Comments
If anyone would like to share some Miis or something, email me with your Wii console number and I'll add you to my list.
Labels: nintendo, tv, video games, wii
¶ 11:14:00 PM 0 Comments
Ads on money! Why not?
Next time you spend a dollar, why not be told you could be "saving dollars" on your car insurance at Geico?
How about a coupon on that dollar that tells you that, "if you spend this dollar at blockbuster video, you'll get 10% off your rental price."
Or how about a simple statement that their are many fine items I could use this dollar for on the dollar menu at Wendy's?
It's obvious, the dollar is a symbol of America, and just about the only inch of this nation not already completely plastered with ads. It's time to have a currency that really represents America.
Labels: blockbuster video, disney, geico, lincoln, mcdonalds, money
¶ 12:46:00 PM 0 Comments
As I sat and watched a Seinfeld rerun that aired this past Monday, I found myself intrigued by a promo for the "News at 10." Fox could of easily filled their news report with news of the election that would take place the next day, but that'd be too easy.
Instead Fox pulled out all the stops and was able to report on the most important news of the day. They ignored the candidates, the issues, the war, and all those other boring things and brought us "Ways to tell if Your Husband Is Gay."
Some say Fox only reports things that favors the political right. While knowing how to find out if your husband is gay certainly could be useful to the wives of some republican congressman, I argue that Fox just reports news for those with extremely low IQs.
By the way, I did not tune in for the report, as if I did somehow had a husband I pretty sure it's mean we were both gay.
Labels: fox, gay, news, seinfeld
¶ 12:22:00 AM 0 Comments
Under construction, originally uploaded by cheesegod.This is an actual photo of the Parthenon being constructed some 2 millions years ago. Amazing, huh?
Labels: athens, construction, greece, parthenon
¶ 6:48:00 PM 0 Comments
Former green party member, current also-ran, Ralph Nader said he is considering a 2008 presidential defeat.
“I'm currently mulling it over,” Nader told us from his tree fortress, “Running an unsuccessful presidential campaign is hard work. But if the people want me to fail, I feel I have an obligation to do so.”
Ralph Nader has run for the last 24 presidential races, and has lost all of them. He is just three loses away from setting the record for most losses, a record currently held by former Met loser Anthony Young. Close friends of Nader have spoke of his desire to obtain the record.
“He use to want to win, but then he lost. So now he figures if he gets this record, it'll be like winning,” Nader cohort Bushroot* told us.
Nader's first election campaigns were carried out seriously, but after constant losing his views started to change. When Nader figured out winning was most likely beyond his reach, while losing most definitely wasn't, his approach to running morphed into something more destructive.
To make sure the losing streak continued, Nader began implementing surefire ways to lose votes. During his last presidential run in 2004, Nader gave a few speeches wearing only a leather G-string, announced his support for interspecies marriage, and refused to appear on Bill O'Reily's TV show because he wanted nothing to do with people that vote.
*A Darkwing Duck reference... sorry.Labels: anthony young, bill o'reily, bushroot, darkwing duck, election, nader, president
¶ 7:11:00 PM 0 Comments
Death rumors of Osama Bin Laden were confirmed yesterday when US Troops were attacked by the Zombie Bin Laden. "It was crazy," said Prvt. Joe Orsulak, "We were just minding our own business, taking a stroll down the streets of Baghdad, when all the sudden he jumped out from inside a sand dune. He started scratching at us and telling us about how he wanted our imperialist brains. He took a bite right out of Craig's head." The surprised troops shot at the Zombie Bin Laden, but didn't get far. The bullets traveled right through Osama as he continued his attack. It wasn't until one brave soldier took out the Haliburton brand Zombie Head Remover that the deceased Bin Laden got scared and retreated. "Democrats questioned the 2.1 billion dollar acquisition of the Zombie Head Removers for our US Troops last year," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld roared at the White House press core, "I think we all have to ask ourselves. Do the Democrats love America, or do they love zombie terrorists?" Troops are currently investigating the attack to see if this was an isolated incident. "We think it may have happened before," Sgt. Jeff McKnight told us, "We're always finding troops missing their brains. We had previously thought the Iraqi insurgents had found a way to shrink down themselves, fly tiny planes into our ears, and then suicide bomb our brains." US Troops in Iraq had been wearing Haliburton brand Ear Muffs to protect themselves against such an attack.
Labels: bin laden, haliburton, joe orsulak, osama, zombies
¶ 12:33:00 PM 5 Comments
Hello folks!
I will be soon be departing for another hiatus for about a week. Sorry to disappoint all my loyal followers. Anywho, to help make this time apart less traumatic I've decided to share with you some MP3s I've had hanging around the warehouse. Enjoy friends!
You can click on the little speaker next to each title to play the song, or just right click and choose "Save as" to save the song to your computer. For those of you on macs without a two button mouse you know what to do... and get a second button you crazy people!
Back To The Future - This was my attempt to make a techno/disco version of the Back To The Future Song.
Toxic - Since the beginning of Britney Spears's career cheesegod.com has been trying to bring her down, and judging by the events of her life over the last year or two, I think it's safe to say we succeeded. This was my attempt to improve one of her songs. While I'm not going as far as to say this version is good, I'll definitely says it's better than her version.
Cosby VS The Simpsons - Back in 1990 there was much controversy when FOX decided to move The Simpsons from Sundays to Thursdays against The Cosby Show. I did not make this song, it's from Z100. The only thing I had to do with this song is that I happen to find it on an old audio cassette of mine, as is evident by it's lo-fi sound.
George Bush - A song made from speeches by George Bush during his 1988 reelection campaign. This is also from Z100. Don't let the last two songs fool you, Z100 sucked back then and sucks even more now.
Yankee Ad - Consider this that extra on the DVD that no one will ever watch, but they put it there anyway so you feel like you're getting more bang for your buck. This is the music I composed in about 3 seconds with Garage Band in 2004 for the Yankees/Visa Ad spoof on this website.
Enjoy the music! I'll see you all in a week or so!
Labels: back to the future, britney spears, george bush, mp3, music, simpsons, yankess
¶ 1:36:00 PM 0 Comments
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12:17:00 AM 0 Comments
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9:38:00 AM 0 Comments
So tomorrow we'll be remembering the events of five years ago, but yesterday we let past the 7 year anniversary of the end of the world.
Yes, many might not remember that 9/9/99 marked the end of the world for some. In all the Y2K panic, we forget some were trying to spread some of that panic less than four months earlier.
September 9, 1999 wasn't going to be the end of the world because the Sega Dreamcast was released and MTV Video Music awards aired on that date. Nope, it was the computers again.
Apparently, according to the chaos spreaders, 9999 at one point was used in computer software to signal "shut down". So naturally, computers, when seeing the date, would shut down. But don't go blaming the damn programmers for causing the end of the world yet. Most of the 9/9/99 problems were caused by users, not programmers.
When entering data in spreadsheets that automatically sort entries by number, people often used 9999 on items they wanted to appear on the bottom of the list. Or sometimes 9/9/99 was used as a date on items that they never wanted to happen. Thankfully it appears didn't use this system when scheduling nuclear weapon strikes.
But, as you can tell by looking out your window, the world didn't end, and I can sit here and write about it for no reason.
Labels: 1999, 9/9/99, 9999, freamcast, mtv, sega, y2k
¶ 10:06:00 PM 0 Comments
Labels: ass, jail, phone, x-rays
¶ 2:41:00 PM 0 Comments
So Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, is dead. Killed by a poisonous fish. I hope no one is surprised. Everyday this nut with sneak up on dangerous animals and wrestle with them for no reason. Every segment on his shows would start off by him saying how dangerous it was and how no one should attempt to do it... then he'd do it.
Irwin died while filming a TV show, and I hope this segment also makes it on his TV show. It'd do the public good that doing stupid things and acting like an idiot does have consequences.
So, today we mourn the death of the crocodile hunter. In fairness he did lead a movement for better treatment of animals, which, again, I guess included him wrestling them. He also had a wife and child. You may remember the controversy a couple of years ago when Irwin was feeding crocodiles while holding his young child.
So, now that Irwin is dead I'm sure the Discovery channel is already planning it's one week long tribute to him by rerunning all his greatest hits and are salivating just thinking about the ratings.
No one should ever die. Especially those with family. Sometimes though, you just can't really be that surprised.
Labels: discovery channel, fish, steve irwin
¶ 9:35:00 AM 0 Comments
Descriptions from IMDB:
Lassie Come Home (1943):
"Hard times came for Carraclough family and they are forced to sell their dog to the rich Duke of Rudling. However, Lassie, the dog, is unwilling to leave the young Carraclough boy and sets out on the long and dangerous journey in order to rejoin him."
Bingo 1991:
"Chuckie's parents discover the stowaway pooch, and make no bones about the fact that Bingo will not accompany them on their cross-country move. What follows next is a heart warming 1000 mile adventure of puppy love and loyalty as Bingo and Chuckie encounter nutty characters and hilarious situations in thier quest to be reunited."
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey 1993:
"Three pets are left behind when their family goes on vacation. Unsure of what happened, the animals set out on a quest to find their family. This journey across America is very dangerous and the animals risk never seeing their masters again."
Lassie (2006):
"A family in financial crisis is forced to sell Lassie, their beloved dog. Hundreds of miles away from her true family, Lassie escapes and sets out on a journey home."
Labels: dogs, hollywood, lassie, movies
¶ 12:27:00 PM 0 Comments
I get a lot of emails, with a lot of questions. The most asked question unfortunately has to be, "Wouldn't you like to impress your girlfriend?" But the second most question without a doubt is, "Cheesegod, is civilization declining or inclining? Please show your work." Well, how can I ignore my adoring fans' questions? So here is my answer... to the second question... I'll try that "enhancement" drug later.
Friends, civilization is on the decline. The proof is all around us. Want a specific one? How about the theme song for the New York Mets?
In 1962 the Mets played their first game and introduced their first theme song. Meet the Mets is a nice little ditty imploring fans to watch the new team in NY, featuring such words as "Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets, come to the park and greet the Mets."
In 1986 the Mets were on their way to a World Series victory, and they needed a song to go along with it. Lets Go Mets Go was a song that featured such cleverly written lyrics as "Where there's a Mets Man, you'll find a Mets Fan," and choruses of "Do it" and of course the nonsensical "Lets Go Mets Go" chant... the extra Go is there for extra support I suppose.
Now, 20 years later, the Mets are well on their way to another playoff appearance, and I suppose they felt they needed another theme song to reflect on these times. So the Hip Hop tune "Our Team, Our Time." This song features lyrics that state such ingenious observations like, "We score the runs, runs. We get the hits, hits."
And here is your lovely audio clip, for you to enjoy. You can hear the world getting dumber as the song progresses. Press the play button to start the audio clip.
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9:35:00 PM 0 Comments
And finally in Jeanette, PA a 78 year old woman is taking a 14 year old boy to court for meowing at her. No lie. Why, you may ask, is this boy harassing this poor women with his meowing? Revenge, of course. The boy's parents made him get rid of his pet cat after she complained the cat was using her flower garden as a litter box.
The funniest, or perhaps saddest, part of this story is that the graphic to the right with the cat and handcuffs is from an actual TV news website.
Sources:
CBS 2 California
Gizmodo
WPXI
Labels: kitty litter
¶ 11:13:00 PM 0 Comments
Right now on Weird Al's myspace you can download a song of his new ALbum for free."Don't Download This Song" is about stealing music (duh). Also check out the banned "Your Pitiful" while there. Finally, myspace ia no longer a total piece of crap! Now it's just, like, 99.99% or something. Here the linky:
Wierd Al's My Space page.
Purchase the new ALbum here
UPDATE:
A better quality version can be found here and the music video currently be watched here.
Labels: mp3, myspace, weird al
¶ 9:35:00 PM 0 Comments
Conclusion: When are they bringing back Mountain Dew Live Wire?
Labels: cosby, jazz, mountain dew, pepsi, simpsons, soda, surge
¶ 1:00:00 PM 0 Comments
Terror spread through the people of New York City again when terrorists once again unleashed an attack on the streets of Manhattan... kind of. Using instructions that can be found on such terrorist friendly websites like youtube, terrorists were able to make an horrendous combination of Mentos and Diet Coke to cause an “explosion” of soda foam. “Well, the streets kind of got a little sticky I suppose,” terror victim Joe Orsulak told us, “But then again the streets are always kind of sticky around here. Officials took instant measure by banning all liquids and mints from the city of New York, even though only diet sodas can cause this “explosion”. “It can't hurt anyone to be too safe,” Mayor Bloomberg told us from his new solid gold throne he had built in Times Square, “if the banning of liquids proves to unsuccessful in stopping these attacks, we will simply have to ban people as well.” Many New Yorkers passed out and and to be hospitalized due to dehydration causing some to question the liquid ban. Bloomberg and other government officials simply waved them off saying they were “unpatriotic, flag burning, Al Queida loving liberals.” “I don't really see what the big deal is,” onlooker Craig Montana shrugged, “You could pretty much get the same effect by turning on a garden hose.”
Labels: bloomberg, coke, mentos, nyc, soda, terrorists
¶ 3:48:00 PM 1 Comments
SOURCE: YTMND Wikipedi Official Garfield Website
Labels: comics, death, garfield, starve
¶ 12:47:00 PM 0 Comments
Coming soon to a theatre near you... maybe... probably not.
¶ 11:09:00 PM 0 Comments
It seems Hummer knows exactly who there customers are and are willing to admit it. A new TV advert shows a man grocery shopping, apparently feeling rather emasculate decides to follow his trip up with a purchase of a new Hummer to, as the slogan at at the end of the ad states restore his masculinity. This, without a doubt, seems to confirm the popular theory that the bigger the car a guy owns, the smaller his, uh, shoe size is.
One would think that this would be a negative effect on sales. To me this ad is pretty much saying, “Hey you! All you small down there? Buy this car!” Besides avoiding sales, they're also categorizing every current Hummer owner as also being organ deficient. I'd pretty embarrassed if I was a Hummer owner... I'm not though.
I have idea for the next Hummer ad campaign. It'll start with a guy doing community service cleaning up a highway. Then, disgusted with having to do all this cleaning, he can go out and buy a Hummer and drive it down the very same highway he was just cleaning, polluting the air around it. It would then end with the slogan, “Restore your Assholiness”.
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11:36:00 PM 0 Comments
Nintendo tried the commercial disguised as a movie with 1988's The Wizard (You can read my take on that film here). Now, 18 years later it seems Nintendo is trying again with this year's Stormbreaker. The film, due out this summer in England and in October in the US, boasts the following description:
"After the murder of his uncle and guardian, the MI6 British spy agency recruits the reluctant 14-year-old Alex Rider to take over his uncle's mission. Like any good spy, during training he receives his key piece of gadgetry: a Hot Rod Red Nintendo DS. He also gets several game cards that transform his DS into an eavesdropping device, a wiretap detector or a smoke bomb."
Perhaps even more odd is that this film stars such notable stars as Ewan McGregor, Mickey Rourke, Bill Nighy, Alicia Silverstone, and Andy Serkis.
Let's all hope this is just as craptastic and enjoyable as The Wizard.
Labels: nintendo, stormbreaker, the wizard, video games
¶ 5:55:00 PM 0 Comments
Pogs. What the Fudruckers?*
Pogs were all the craze during the early/mid 1990s. They also baffled me even back then. Don't get me wrong, I had Pogs. Three of them. But there were people who liked to dive full force with their time and money, owning hundreds of Pogs.
So by now, if you are under the age 22 or over the age of 28 you're probably wondering what the hell a Pog is already. Basically Pogs were small round pieces of cardboard that had pictures on 'em. Then you'd have a slammer, which was basically just like a Pog, except it was made of metal instead of cardboard. The object of the game was to flip the Pogs with your slammer. Every pog you flipped you'd get to keep. Kind of a 90's version of flipping baseball cards, of course if there's anyone under the age 55 here, you'd have no idea of flipping baseball cards is.
Pogs came in two qualities, cheap and cheaper. However despite pretty much just being pictures on cardboard they sold for anywhere from 30 cents to a dollar each. Some Pogs featured cool sayings as “Awesome” or “Please be kind, rewind” and others featured cool cartoon characters like Ren & Stimpy, Fish Police, or Dan Quale.
Now, I'm sure your thinking, that all sounds uber cool, but why the hell were they so popular? Well, we couldn't bring our Super Nintendos to school with us, snap bracelets were already out and it'd still be another 5 years or so until Pokemon card would hit the scene, how else were we suppose to show off how cool we were. Note, since I had three Pogs I was quite uncool.
Don't feel too bad for uncoolness and lack of Pogs though, a year or two after Pogs were deemed no longer cool I joined the UPN 20 Kids kids club and got a set of 6 Pogs for doing so. And hey they also sent me a “decoder card” (I guess rings were too much money to produce to give away for free at this point) which I continue to carry in my wallet to this day right next to my Kellogs Frosted Flakes Nintendo 64 calling card. Now, 13 years later, Pogs can now be found for bargain prices on eBay. I say it's time we all become cool trend setters, and buy these Pogs up and bring them back in style... C'mon! We can do it! Hello.... anyone?
Labels: fudruckers, pogs
¶ 1:48:00 PM 0 Comments
Press the play button to watch. You may need windows media player to view the file... but if you don't already see the video file above it's really not worth your trouble to get it working.
The only reason this video isn't a bigger waste of everyone's time is because it's only 3 seconds long.
Labels: lex luthor, sublime, wrong
¶ 1:04:00 PM 0 Comments
America has a had a major impact on countries all over the world, with American brands such as McDonald's and Coca-Cola infesting every corner of the earth. While luckily we managed to get through most of our time there without seeing a McDonalds (I saw one on our last day, I cried, fell to my knees and shouted, "You fools! It was Earth all along! And you blew it up! You damn dirty Apes!") we did see other examples of the impact the English language and America itself has had on the country.
For your viewing pleasure, here are some photos:
Copyright infringement! Call the MPAA stat!
Some breakfast cereal. Frosted flakes are just called Frosties. Nestle is a huge brand there, explaining the Crunch cereal.
The back of one of the cereal boxes above would be a better read than this.
Here we thought the Superflu would come from China in the form of Sars or Bird flu. Nope. They're bottling it in Greece.
Internet!
This dude is some Soccer player. He advertises everything over there.
Just more of the same.
This shirt makes my brain hurt.
First the Da Vinci Code, now The Weather Man? Why do we have to torture these poor people with our horrible entertainment.
Like black power I think.
Some graffiti found in Athens.
Not sure what this place is....
Apparently translates to "Don't step on the dog."
Labels: casper, coke, copyright, greece
¶ 10:58:00 AM 0 Comments
Bill Gates announced his retirement from software giant Microsoft in order to pursue his personal dream of becoming a baseball star.
Gate's father had dreams of his son becoming a baseball star and tried to practice with him each day after school, but little Billy often chose instead to work on computers.
“That damn kid was always readin' on computers n' stuff, “Gates Sr. told us, “I tried to set that boy straight, teach him the fundamentals of baseball, but that kid was too busy with his little nerdy friends. What a disappointment he was.”
So, in order to win his father's affection, Gates has joined minor league team The Seattle Ligers. The Ligers is a brand new AA team created just this year, by Gates himself. Gates had attempted to join numerous real teams, but even AA minor league teams which often are desperate to attract fans in any way they can would not have him. The Delaware Blue Rocks offered him a position as the towel boy for their mascot Mr. Celery, but Gates refused when the refused to convert their scoreboard from Linux to Windows.
The Seattle Ligers was created from they money Gates earned on royalties from Microsoft Bob. Gates has appointed himself manger, cleanup hitter, shortstop, general manager, owner, and towel boy for the team.
The team is currently made up mostly of Microsoft interns. Gates had attempted to sign some big names to the team, but was unable to because no one wanted to play with him.
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1:25:00 AM 0 Comments
Exciting new updates are on their way...
¶ 9:24:00 AM 1 Comments
A crappy slideshow type animated video from the They Might Be Giants song, "Why Did You Grow a Beard." As heard for FREE in their free podcast available at tmbg.com. Press the play button to start the video.
If you like this, check out this.
¶ 1:49:00 PM 1 Comments
The Family Guy Joke Generator, inspired by a recent episode of South Park, randomly generates a B-list celebrity, a verb, and a noun to create jokes equal in hilarity to that of Family Guy. Every joke generated is hit or miss, but then again, so is everything on Family Guy.
So, without further wait, click below for the...
Redmond, WA – Attendees of the monthly Microsoft snuggle party were amazed when it was announced that Microsoft had successfully purchased port 80 from the US Government.
In front of huge television that displayed giant Microsoft logos and very happy people in various active stances for no reason around them, the Microsoft chairman Bill Gates dropped the bomb.
“Port 80 is ours. We now control your Internet. We now control your desktop. We now control your home video game system. Next up, Berlin.”
Port 80 is the way most Internet browsing traffic is sent. Without port 80 most programs such as Internet explorer, Email, AOL instant messenger, and Bonsai Buddy would not work.
When asked how much Microsoft had paid the US Government for the port, Gates refused to answer. Not because it was a secret, but because he didn't have all day to say such a large number. Although blogs everywhere have been circulating rumors that Microsoft bough out congressmen by promising them an appearance as warriors in Age of Empires IV.
Microsoft ensures that now that they control port 80 they can keep it better secure and that their browser will now be more secure. Of course the only way they control this is by keeping Internet Explorer the only browser that can work. Gates told us effective next month browsers such as Firefox, Opera, Safari, Netscape, and Scumsucker will no longer work. It should be noted Scumsucker is not really a browser, or any type of program for that matter, but was just made up by Microsoft employees because they think it's funny when Gates says “Scumsucker.”
The snuggle part went off without a hitch and there was only two reports off someone trying to “cop a feel,” both by Hector Ruiz.
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3:12:00 PM 1 Comments
When I first saw this picture on the right I didn't think, “Holy crap! That's a big cat!” Instead, I thought, “Man, that's a pretty crappy photoshopped picture.” Reading the story that goes along with it, about how the kitten was found near radioactive material and must of developed a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle complex just affirms that this story full of crap. Hey, they should have this cat make an appearance in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where he captures and eats Splinter.
But, many believed this tall tale. That, perhaps, is the most interesting thing about any of these stories. Just how stupid and obviously fake can a hoax get and there still be people believing it. While not every hoax is so obviously fake, many are. Like, if you were to receive a phone call telling you that if you stand naked in front of your window a new satellite technology would scan you from space and give you a mammogram, would you comply, take off your shirt and stand in front of your window? Well, people did.
The book, Hippo Eats Dwarf is currently for sale at amazon.com and other places.
Computer enthusiasts spewed with glee today when a anonymous hacker posted snapshots on their blog of the new Intel based Mac Book Pro successfully booting up the Commodore 64 operating system.
“Finally, I can play my Ghostbusters game I got. I haven't been able to play it since my wife through my Commodore, mistaking it for an old toaster oven,” said one commenter on the blog post.
“wOOT!!11,” responded another.
“Commodore 64 FTW!” said yet another.
After successfully booting up Mac OSX, Windows XP, and Linux on the same notebook geek and nerds have been searching for the next great thing to boot up on the system. Finally one website put out a call for the Commodore 64 to be placed on a Mac and offered a bounty to the first person to pull it off.
The bounty began at $10, and after a series of donations from other fanatics, the reward was raised to $12.84 and an opened box of Super Mario Fruit Roll-ups.
Steve Jobs of Apple Computers, who recently became the largest share holder of Disney, was unavailable for comment as he was too busy ogling, er... observing the actresses on the set of Desperate Housewives.
Meanwhile the nerd community is hard at work on modding the mac book to double as a George Forman grill.
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4:38:00 PM 0 Comments
We reached the end of an era. Cultural phenomenas all begin and end the same basically. They start off with one instance of something found appealing because it's different. A couple of other people catch on and repeat the formula and have some success. Then suddenly the market floods with people trying (usually quite unsuccessful) to repeat the success and it becomes so saturated everyone grows tired of it and moves on. Companies lose money and people will sit back and analyze it to death trying to figure out what went wrong.
Now the above formula could apply to many things: The home video game market in the early 1980s, the dot-bomb of the late 1990s, the primetime game show explosion just a few years ago, and many others. But I'm not refering to any of these this time, I'm talking about something that's happening right now: Computer Animated movies.
It was just a little over 10 years ago Toy Story premiered in theaters. The film met a great deal of success. The fick was made by Pixar, headed by then former, now current, Apple front man Steve Jobs. Pixar went on to have a great deal of success making more such movies such as Monsters Inc., Bugs Life, Toy Story 2, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles.
But, of course, with success comes copy cats. They didn't come that fast though. You see, computer animated movies were not only expensive to make but were also new territory. No one had experience in the field and therefor it wasn't easy to duplicate.
Perhaps the real obstacle that would be hard to produce would be the writing. Pixar movies were actually cleverly written. It's hard for people to write anything clever, especially something that could appeal to both children and adults.
It'd take 6 years, but the success was finally reproduced with Shrek in 2001. The computer animation, the celebrity voices, the clever writing. It was all there. Except one change. Shrek not only contained clever jokes, but also of plenty of slsapstick, low-brow humor, and, well, crotch jokes. People in Hollywood saw this and said, “We can do that!” The next couple of years were followed by films such as Shark Tale, Ice Age, Shrek 2, and Madagascar, all of which have had success.
Here we are now in 2006, and by my last count we have 10 computer animated movies due for release this year. All look to be full of “people getting hit in the crotch” humor. Disney will be releasing The Wild next month, which judging by a trailer looks exactly like Madascar (although with the amount of time it takes to make one of these movies it's doubtful it's that much of a rip off), Doogle was released just a few weeks ago has already revealed itself as a major flop, and even Pixar's own Cars looks to be their worse.
The problem is that all of these films follow the same formula: Get celebrity voices, fill it with bad crotch and fart jokes, and don't forget to have either fake outtakes or a music number during the ending credits. Even if one or more of these are good, no one will pay any notice because they all look the same.
Here, for your record, is a list of all the movies will be, or already have been in the theatre in 2006:
Ant Bully
The Barnyard
Cars
Doogle
Happy Feet
Hoodwinked
Ice Age 2
Monster Mansion
Open Season
The Wild
I should note that Curious George and Charlotte's Web also come out this year. Curious George is not 3D animation however, and Charlotte's Web, well I just don't know. So far not much is known to me about this film.
Only time will tell how well these films can really do in such a saturated market. Steve Jobs sold Pixar to Disney earlier this year, perhaps he saw the writing on the wall. Now he can forget about the over crowded animated film market and concentrate on the MP3 market, which his iPod still over dominates.
Update 3/26/06: Another animated film has come to my attention. Over The Hedge (starring William Shatner!) comes out this May.
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11:15:00 AM 1 Comments
Basically I created the site because I wanted to share my stupid finiding with everyone, but didn't want to soil cheesegod.com with it. So please check it out and feel free to leave a post on the forum there. Like I said it's just starting so, um, be wild and try something before it becomes the big rage all over.
Thank you, and good night.
The latest trend in children's fashions are roller shoes. These are sneakers with wheels built into the heel. This is the biggest novelty in footwear since flashing lights, but while the lights were just moronic, roller shoes are also unsafe.
All you have to do is lean back on the heel and suddenly you are on wheels instead of rubber. Some shoes do feature a button that will actually retreat the wheels from inside the shoe fully transforming it from a sneaker to roller skate, but these are unpopular and not cool enough.
As I walk around the mall, which online peddler kidzworld says these shoes are great for, I see dozens of children rolling around into each other and into my path causing me to having quickly stop in my tracks. I have to stop in my tracks because these kids are to dense to pay attention to where they are going and I don't really know if they could suddenly stop if they were to try. It is human nature to lean back when you want to stop, however with these I'd suppose you'd have to lean forward.
Another major question: Isn't it hard enough to keep track of your children when they don't have wheels. Why are you making it harder for yourself? Actually, I suppose the answer to this is quite simple, parents don't really bother at all to keep track of their kids anymore. They just drop them off at the mall Friday night with their friends and leave them there for hours with a cellphone so they can keep tabs. Unless your using that cellphone as a GPS tracker a cellphone isn't going to tell you where your little ones are. And it's not as if a cellphone is going to keep your kids from rolling down the steps and breaking their face.
O course, if something happens to the kid they'll of course blame everyone but themselves. They'll blame Tony Hawk for showing our kids such dangerous tricks. They'll blame the mall for not having a “Danger: Steps” sign. They'll blame the media for allowing sex on TV. They'll blame the stores for selling such dangerous shoes.
Note: I also just think these shoes are just plain ol' dumb.
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2:11:00 PM 1 Comments
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11:58:00 PM 2 Comments
| Lance Froman Pfft. I wouldn't watch the Superbowl if you paid me to. A bunch of grown men playing a little kid's game, so pathetic. Instead I spent my time last night playing World of Warcraft, and it's only $14.99 a month. |
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Nick Crudpants Superbowl, nope sorry, not this guy. Why all you normals (that's what I call you plain people out there who aren't as hot as me and don't wear vests) are watching the superbowl I visit your houses and hit on the lonely women. Oh yeah, if anyone here is married to this tall brunette chick and you find my pocket comb can you send it me? Thanks a lot. |  |
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Mr. Fish Well I went over my buddies house to watch the game yesterday, I wanted to make I was there early so as to miss any of the pregame coverage, plus the Lifetime channel was having an Unsolved Mysteries marathon I thought we could check out during the slow times. But when I get there my buddy's all like yelling at me because it's only 6am and he's still sleeping. He doesn't let me inside the house. So I climbed in through his window and drank all his beer, watered his flowers with my own special fish liquid, and I may have accidentally drew mustaches on all his wedding photos. I passed out after that, I may have woken up at some point during the game because I seem to remember seeing a guy in a striped shirt, but I might of just wandered into Lady Footlocker nude again. |
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Remember folks, if you'd like to find out more about the members of our community check out their profiles in the member section. ¶ 9:33:00 AM 0 Comments
The History Channel earlier this month aired a new special about Abe Lincoln. Being an Abe Lincoln fan, I tuned in. But what I found seemed to be less Lincoln and more Lost.
This documentary had the usual experts talking over reenactments, but something was different. The programs suppose to take place on Lincoln's final day alive, from his point of view (probably because they couldn't find an actor that looked enough like Lincoln). As Lincoln seems to wander around aimlessly he has flashbacks to events earlier in his life that helped lead him to these decisions. Sound familiar? It would if you are a regular viewer of ABC's Lost.
The entire documentary is filled with over dramatic music and camera angles. In fact the beginning “music” sounds as if it was directly lifted from the science fiction drama. Abe Lincoln even seems to see his dead father at one point, reminding me of when Jack kept seeing his dead father in the pilot episode.
Was this done to try to make Lincoln “cool” or did it just happened to be made by some guy who just watched the first season of Lost on DVD and felt inspired.
I have included a video snippet, just long enough so you can get the idea, and hopefully small enough that my bandwidth won't get killed. Enjoy!
Video clip 3.5mb (Windows Media)
As you no doubt have already heard, Bin Laden released another tape this week to put to rest the rumours of his death and to offer a truce. No one has yet to post a full transcript of this tape yet because of warnings from the FBI that a certain wording may trigger a sleaper cell or swomething. However all of us at cheesegod.com are jerks and are posting it anyway. Here is the full transcript of the exchange:
Good afternoon, this is Osama Bin Laden, AKA Usama Bin Laden, AKA Henry. I speak to you today to dismiss the rumors of my death. No, it is impossible for me to be dead, for the dead can not make audio tapes. Especially not audio tapes that are of as high quality as this one. I used a TDK brand cassette tape, I find the their quality is quite the best. Maxell is okay, even Sony makes a pretty good tape, but for death threats to come out their clearest I believe TDK is the way to go.
Some American imperialists may have you believe that the dead can make tapes. The American Thomas Edison even invented a phone to talk to the dead, but not a phone for the dead to talk to the living. He did invent a phone for the dead to talk to other dead, but that's just silly. Unless you are dead, then in which case this could be a possibility that I too am dead. But if you are alive, then you know fully well that I too am alive. Americans like to make shows like Medium and Crossing Over where dead people communicate with the living, but that's just all bullcrud..
Now, moving on from this whole dead thing, have you ever wondered what TDK stands for anyway? A friend told me it stands for “The Demonic Kangaroo,” but I don't believe him. I asked him why someone would name a cassette tape brand that. He said that it's because they make things other than cassettes, but still, seems silly to me. I bet he lied.
What? I'm running out of tape already. Damn it, I told them to buy the 90 minute tapes, Jesus Christ. Alright, alright. Man, I didn't even get to make any death threats yet. How much time... okay, okay.
Listen folks. There will be more attacks on America... um... let's have a truce... We'll rebuild Iraq together.. let's end this fussin' and the feudin'. I'll take you to a movie. I heard that Brokeback Mountain is pretty good, but two guys making out? Bleh. Not my cup of tea. I much rather see Cheaper By The Dozen 2, that Eugene Levy cracks me up. I just downloaded The Man... oh crap, there I go, rambling on again. See you later, gotta go. Peace.
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9:40:00 AM 2 Comments
So why did Tom Delay resign as senate leader? Was it the allegations of illegal activity? Was it the pressure of having to justify having such a great parking spot in the senate parking lot? Or was it his horrible odor?
Even John McCain took notice when Tom Delay would walk into the senate floor. Despite having nasal surgery two years ago the ripe odor of Delay was enough to make him vomit. Did Clinton really try to hold the elevator door for Delay, or did she purposely let it close on his face so she wouldn't have to be in a confined space?
Delay says he retired to spend time with his family. But are you aware that democrats brain washed Delay into thinking this? Democrats were afraid they would not be able to filibuster with Delay in the room, no doubt the odor would be too much for them all to stay indoors that long. Delay actually doesn't have a real family, just a couple of Mexican immigrants he paid to play the part of his family for campaigning purposes.
Unknown to most people, including everyone, is the fact that Ted Kennedy also has a unique smell that most people do not like. At a party Strom Thurman once remarked that Kennedy's odor reminded him of whiskey and chicken pot pie, a delicacy that Thurman often enjoyed in the old phone booth behind the official senate McDonald's.
Could it be that Tom Delay's odor was not real, and just made up by the left to further embarrasses the right? Could perhaps the saying, “Thou who smelt it, delt it” apply to the left as well? Might the left be going too far this time, perhaps either further than that time they put that poisonous cobra in Ronald Reagen's underwear drawer? Is it possible that having a paragraph completely composed of questions is not considered proper writing?
These questions return no results when submitted to Ask Jeeves, so therefor must be unanswerable. Perhaps we are best off coming to our own conclusions. What's my conclusion, and therefor should be yours too? Money. Follow the money and, well, if your following money it's probably being pulled by someone with a fishing line having a laugh at your expense. And that makes you a patsy. Good day.
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11:19:00 PM 0 Comments
EvilCow4ever: Angel has a few questions for you Cheese God: ok, shoot EvilCow4ever: question 1: Did cheese make you their god? EvilCow4ever: question 2: Of what kind of cheese are you the god? Cheese God: i am a master of cheese. my mastery of cheese won the favor of the cheese population, thus giving me godhood EvilCow4ever: question 4: Of what type of big cheese are you claiming to be the god? She said question 3 didn't matter. Cheese God: #2...i am god of all that is cheese EvilCow4ever: question 5: does that make all the other, less-favored cheeses jealous? Cheese God: #4...even the little cheese see me as a god. i am big Cheese God: #5...i treat all cheese well, for they are all tasty and have much to offer. some cheese has higher positions in society, but thats government EvilCow4ever: question 6: why do bad things happen to good cheese? Cheese God: #6 every cheese has a lifespan. as they get old, they get ill(mold). its the way of life. everything must die Cheese God: only the good cheese die young Cheese God: cept cheddar...it has a long lifespan for some reason EvilCow4ever: question 7: Since you are Cheese God, is there something you can do about the smell of Limburger? EvilCow4ever: question 8: Why do some cheeses get to live longer than others? isn't that favoritism? Cheese God: #7 i prefer to not deal with the smell EvilCow4ever: question 9, in reference to question 7: if you prefer not to deal with the smell, wouldn't it be easier to get rid of the smell? Cheese God: #8 different cheeses are like different species. all live different spans EvilCow4ever: question 10: Is there a cheese heaven? Cheese God: #9...as a god, its not really my place to directly intervene EvilCow4ever: and if so what is cheese hell like? Cheese God: having mold that will never eat away at you...you are forever stuck outside the fridge with mold Cheese God: makes a bad smell and no one wants to eat you EvilCow4ever: Damn you are cruel...... EvilCow4ever: so what is cheese heaven like? EvilCow4ever: question some-random-number: Do you love all cheeses equally, or do you favor one over most, like Israelites? Cheese God: paradise...a cool enviroment where these is no mold and all the people love you EvilCow4ever: question whosit: was there an application or screening process to this god-position, or did the cheese just one day proclaim you as their god? Cheese God: my love for the cheese made them see me as beyond any mere human EvilCow4ever: ahh. So it was an adoration-type thing. Cheese God: yup EvilCow4ever: So has one cheese found favor with you more than others? Cheese God: some cheese always have higher opinions, but i love all cheese EvilCow4ever: ooh. so you're an equal-opportunity god. EvilCow4ever: Okay. I think that is all the questions we have for you today. Cheese God: didnt think id answer it all did you Cheese God: some cheese try to cross me out of rebellion EvilCow4ever: I'm happy you took time out of your busy, divine schedule to answer all our questions.
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9)Richard Nixon will not rise from the dead. He will not become a brain sucking vampire. He will not challenge Al Franken to fisticuffs. He will not star in the Broadway musical Cats.
10)A ton of books written by left wing writers about how right wing writers lie and are ruing America. A ton of books will be written in retaliation by right wing authors about how left wing writers are liars and are ruing America. Publishers will make much money off of both.
11)Apple will release some products that are cool but may have flaws. However anyone who points out one of these flaws will be labeled as a Microsoft using dumbass by Apple users.
12)Windows will have many many many many more flaws come to light, proving that people who do use Microsoft actually are dumbasses.
13)Someone who was never liked much will suddenly become greatly admired... after they die.
14)I will not be able to come up with a 15th prediction.
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12:18:00 AM 0 Comments
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People have begun to wonder if blogs are the new venue of breaking news. Thanks to internet sites we knew about the forged Bush Military Memos and that gay bald rightwing reporter running a muck in the whitehouse. Well, now cheesegod.com has made a mockery of all of that by being added to that list.
About one week ago we "broke" the Animal Crossing anti-RIAA story. After spreading to tons of other sites from Digg, to slashdot, to joystiq, to a bunch of crappy sites not worth mentioning, it has landed at the New York Times.
Unbelievable, but true. And to top it off, despite the fact that most stories are lost to the masses when it becomes available online, cheeegod.com has received full credit. I assume Mr. Zeller did not read the story I did just days before where I jabbed at the New York Times for featuring less than important news on their cover. Of course featuring anything from cheesegod.com doesn't exactly disprove this point.
Read the article here (Available for just a week or two before they make you pay to read it):Social Commentary, or Just a Dog's Opinion? - New York Times
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8:31:00 AM 2 Comments
The transit strike has arrived in New York City and millions of news journalists are effected by having to cover the story for hours on end. These poor news journalists have to stand out on this somewhat cold day on the streets and interview disgruntled New Yorkers.
But, worry no more, solutions are on their way. Mayor Bloomberg has rose into action with sure fire ways to deal with the problem. You've no doubt already heard that Taxi cabs will now be able to accept more than one fare at a time and that car pooling is being encouraged by, er, asking people if they wouldn't mind sharing a car ride.
But what other steps are taking to deal with tragedy? Well, glad you asked. Here are three:
1)Monkey Bars have been installed in busy pedestrian sections. Imagine your walking down 7th street on your way to Penn Station when, damn it, some slow old lady is taking her time with her walker in front of you. What do you do? Push her over? No, not this time. Now you can just jump up, grab the monkey bars, and swing your way over her.
2)Piggy Back Rides. Mayor Bloomberg is personally giving anyone who wants one, a ride back to their home from the city. On the right we see Ol' Mikey trying to get a woman to Lincoln Square, but he appears to be lost, don't worry Bloomy, you'll get there!
3)Stay Home. Who wants you here anyway.
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1:59:00 PM 0 Comments
This is actually a repost of an old story, but with the release of the remake of King Kong on Wednesday it seemed worth repeating. Read it now, click this.
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8:30:00 PM 8 Comments
This can be seen by listening to K.K. Slider's song in the basement of the museum. After listening to the entire song he will give you a copy of the song and the above dialogue takes place.
Of the all discountinued colas out there Pepsi Holiday Spice is one of the most sought after, only behind Mountain Dew Live Wire. Twelve packs of the soda easily sell on eBay for upwards of $8.00, people cry about drinking their last can on Flikr, and a website devoted to hard to find soda charges over the top prices for it's stash.So when I heard that a local foodmart was selling a 2 liter of the soda for just $2.25, I grabbed my CVS camera and headed for the town of Hicksville, NY.
Check out the video! Click here. Windows Media Format.
By the way, the quality of this video is not exactly high def, if you catch my drift. Besides being recorded with a CVS brand disposable camera the microphone kept making a clunking noise. But what do you want, it's free video, right?
As you know something called the Xbox 360 was released last month. And many people are unsure of what this product has to offer. Of course these people are idiots. And these idiots quite possibly could be the same idiots who read this site. So I present as a courtesy to these idiots my Xbox 360 UFAQ (unfequently asked questions).
Why it called X-Box 360?
The 360, contrary to popular belief, does not refer to the number of systems actually released on launch day, but actually refers to the temperature that the system reaches.
How big is the X-Box?
Surprisingly small. After the travesty that was the 22 foot long original X-Box, the 360 has really slimed down. Unfortunately the power supply is now so large it can be used as a TV stand.
What good games are available?
Well, there's Project Gotham Racing 3, and um.... let's see. There must be something else. Call of Duty 2 is pretty realistic if in World War II soldiers had a hard time aiming their weapons due to first person shooter controls. Also there's some cool oldschool arcade games available through Xbox Live, I can't wait to play games from 1975 on my console made in 2005.
How much does it cost?
Microsoft has arranged a wonderful pricing tier. It's $300 for the core gaming package, $400 for the premium package, $600 for the combo deal your local Gamestop will make you purchase to get the system, and $800 for the system at the overpriced JC Penny. Of course you'll be paying $1000 for the system on eBay, since everyone else is sold out.
Is it energy sufficient?
Just as much as the original Xbox... time two. So it uses twice the electric as the original Xbox. Who cares? You going to worry about preserving energy or looking cool?
What can the 360 do besides play games?
So many things!
It can play DVDs, just like your DVD player you got marked down at Target for $49 already could!
It can play movie trailers. You complain when they're bothering you before the movie at the theatre, but if they're bothering at home, it's progress!
It plays MP3s! Cool! I wish my computer, DVD player, Airport Express, cellphone, or iPod could do that!
It looks pretty! It's "sexxy." With interchangeable face plates we finally have the 5 year old cellphone fad making it's way to our living room.
The powersupply doubles as a space heater!
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8:22:00 AM 6 Comments
William Swanberg, a 40 year old man from Reno, has been arrested for stealing over $200,000 in legos for Target. The United States Postal Service had to use a 40 foot tractor trailer to haul all the evidence from his house.
He has been charged with two counts of felony threat and being held on $250,000 bail.
By the way, since when does the Postal Service collect evidence?
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4:31:00 PM 0 Comments
The wonderful New York Daily News seems to somehow think that this is front page worthy. Bush makes a dumb face every week, actually it's more like every second, why is this news? It's not. The Daily News ought to change it's name to the NY Post, because that's where it seems to be headed. The Daily News has become more tabloid than news, often featuring the latest celebrity marriage rather than anything actually newsworthy. I should probably be happy, this is the closest the Daily News gets to reporting real news. It's much better than the constant headlines about their own scratch-n-win contest they run. Gee, I wonder why I never read news about the Daily News scratch-n-win contest in any other paper. Of course their was that time that hundreds of people "accidentally" won the contest and the Daily News refused to pay out. Now that's news. To be fair nothing is quite as bad as the NY Post, which appears to be currently written by brain dead Nazis and is as useless as the people who read it. Also, I hear the New York Times, which up until within the last few years was a respectable paper, featured a series of three pictures depicting Bush trying to open the door, Bush making a stupid face, and finally Bush being told the door is locked. Almost kind of like a comic strip. The NY Times never used to publish comics, but I guess they might as well do something to make it worth reading again.
Upper class and middle class wannabe upper class Americans finally have an option to drive something bigger than that Hummer they are currently sporting. The new 2006 consumer line tanks are running off the line.
Bigger is better and nothing can be more true when your dropping your kids off at school in one of these babies every other parent is just soooo jealous of your ride. And do you think anyone is going to cut you off when your barreling down the highway at the top speed of 60mph. Sure, they could, and you could also barrel over them at the next red light.
Other features include the ability to talk on your cell phone all you want and not have to worry about getting pulled over by the cops. How will they know what you are doing? There are no windows. There's also plenty of extra space on the back for all your “My child is an honor student” bumper stickers and “Support the Troops” sun/rain faded yellow magnet ribbons.
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11:32:00 PM 2 Comments
So, say your Harvey Danger. What-- who's Harvey Danger? They're that band that had that one hit song “Flag Pole Sitter” about 7 years ago. Everyone went out and bought the album just to find out it sucked except for that one song.
Well, anyway, back to our pretending. Say your Harvey Danger and you just made a new album but you know no ones going to buy it because everyone is still pissed at you because of the disappointment of buying your first album. So what do you do?
Give it away for free, of course. The entire new album is available to download free of charge here. And, the most surprising part of all, it's pretty good. Definitely worth checking out.
And, speaking of long forgotten bands from the nineties, the Presidents of the United States of America have the privilege of being the first band to make a music video only using cell phone cameras. So, I guess cell phone cameras are still completely useless and stupid. You can read more about and watch the video here. Also check out their new album, as it is also pretty damn good, but not free (not legally anyway, but perhaps I've said too much, you never know where the RIAA may be listening in).
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6:29:00 PM 0 Comments
Bird flu? Meh. West Nile? Buh. That disease that turns people inside out? Guh?
Forget all those. For none of them compare to the giggle plague of 1962 in Tanzania.
January 30, 1962 started out like any other day in Tanzania, but three school girls found something so funny they just couldn't stop laughing. Soon, although no one was sure what they found so damned funny, other began laughing too. All across the school other children began giggling. The laughter affected 95 school children in one day, becoming so bad that schools had to shut down, for six months.
Closing the school didn't solve the problem though. Instead the epidemic was aloud to grow outside the protected walls as more than 1,000 Africans fell victim to the laughter. An entire village became hysterical.
Doctors from all around the world were called in to find a reason for what they called a “disease.” Medical researchers checked for everything from fever to food poisoning, but came up empty handed. Finally, many doctors frustrated and refusing to face the obvious, blamed the phenomenon on environmental changes (which were non-existent) and left.
After 18 months the giggle epidemic finally subsided altogether and life returned to normal.
So what really did happen?
There was no “disease.” This was just an example of laughter being contagious. Although this is an extreme case, psychologists believe laughter catches on easily from one person to another, like yawning.
When you hear other people laugh, you are more likely to do it yourself. This is why non funny TV shows include laugh tracks or why you laugh more at movies in the theater than on a Saturday night all by yourself in your living room with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a microwave burrito in the other.
Now I'm off to the mall, where I'm going to walk down the halls laughing like a lunatic to see if I can start the next plague.
I don't think I've used the anagram 'WTF' before, but more then ever now, it seems appropiate.Apparently German artist Jonathan Meese has become a millionaire by taking custom orders from Russian business men to make them into half ton statues. But Russian business men aren't paying $750,000 to just be sculpted, they're paying $750,000 to be sculpted with an extremely large phalluse and six testicles. The generous porportions are suupose to empasise virility. Many of these business men are displaying these statues in their home. Yes, WTF, indeed. More info
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Labels: islanders, jail, jeep, mets, pope
¶ 11:38:00 AM 2 Comments
I hereby move that we rename Columbus Day to Columbo Day in honor of the great TV detective. Why? Well, Columbus was just a greedy money hungry buttmunch who "discovered" a place where people had been living for years. Not to mention he was a murderer.
On the other hand Peter Faulk as Columbo has been solving crimes and been putting people like Columbus is in jail.
Choice seems pretty obvious to me.
Links for studdy:
Columbus on Violette's Page
Truths & Lies
Truths of Columbus (PDF)
Columbus on Violette's Page
Lysol introduced a brand new item to their disinfectant line today. Lysol, known for their odor reducing products, have decided to go from being on the defense to becoming the offense.
The new item is “Lysol Fruit Snack Disinfectant.” This new candy is promised to not only taste great, but to also disinfect the innards of your colon. So, on your next visit to the bathroom, you'll now leave behind a pleasant odor instead of just a nasty turd.
“It's ingenious,” product spokesperson Joe Orsulak told us from behind an old Caldor's, “Now your friends won't ban you from their house just because you leave stink bombs in their bathrooms. It's not like it was your fault, how were you suppose to know the chili was going to do that to you? No... no. Now instead they'll purposely invite you over just to take a dump, because they want their house to smell nice. But you won't do it. Now you have the leverage in the relationship. Go ahead, let 'em beg you for them to be your friends. Let them crawl to you for once!”
At this point me and my colleagues slowly inched away... then broke into full sprint until we got into our van and sped away.
Before we left though, we did get our hands on a sample of the candy and can report that besides it's nasty taste it is quite good. Just make sure you read the warning label. We didn't. Oh well, I guess it makes sense you shouldn't eat that many in one sitting. Poor Mike, may he rest in peace.
Look for Lysol candy to appear at your local supermarket in about a month or two.
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11:44:00 AM 0 Comments
“I love the power glove. It's so bad!” Starring Fred Savage and Christian Slater, The Wizard was destined to be a horrible film. Nonetheless, I'll have to add it to my list of films I embarrassingly enjoy. If you've never seen The Wizard, imagine watching a commercial for Nintendo... for 100 minutes. This film would seem it would of fit in better in the wee hours of the morning between infomercials for Blue Blockers and Mr. Popeil's Spaghetti Maker rather than the big screen at you local Megaplex. But that's where it wound up, for a couple of weeks anyway, before it was yanked from the silver screen and made it's way to the VHS bargain bin. The Wizard tells the story of two kids. Fred Savage and his younger brother Jimmy, who seems to suffer for extreme shyness or something. The kid doesn't seem to ever speak, which automatically makes him the best character in the film. Anyway, Jimmy apparently one day scores 5000 points while playing Double Dragon. That, apparently, is enough reason for the both of them to run away to compete in a Video Game tournament in California. Somehow along the way they meet some girl to balance the cast out. Oh yes, there is some more of a plot, but I forget most of it. Why? It's not important. The plot gets about five second of film time, anymore and their just would not have been enough time for Nintendo to plug all their crap. The only thing you really need to know is that for some reason there's some dude trying to capture Jimmy. At one point he almost succeeds, but that quick thinking stray girl they picked up comes up with an idea to stop him (she must have some point in this story). How? She simply yells out, “He touched my breast!” Which of course draws attention to the evil-doer by people in the area. I guess yelling, “Hey, that guy is kidnapping a child,” wouldn't of sufficed. Yeah, in case you couldn't tell, this story is full of important morals for kids to learn. So far these kids have run away from home and used false sexual harassment claims to get your way. But wait, there's more: The kids also make money by gambling in a casino and hustling business men at video games. Wow. Somewhere along the way they meet a kid named Lucas. And he's cool. So cool. You want to know why? He's got a Power Glove! That stupid NES controller that every kid wanted, but worked about as well as just wearing a regular glove and made you look like the biggest dumbass in the world. Somehow our heroes of the story are shocked by this glove. “What is that?” they ask. What is that? What is that!? Don't these kids watch commercials? It's a god damn Power Glove. Now respect the damn kid who looks like a dumbass. Jimmy apparently gets major freaked out by the Power Glove and runs to a vacant lot to stack popcorn boxes. Yeah... I don't know. Popcorn stacking aside, the biggest deal about this movie may have been the ending when they showed off Super Mario Bros. 3 for the first time. Yep, who needs E3 anyway, every big game should just be shown off at the end of a movie. Perhaps they should spotlight the next Mario Party Game at the end of Harry Potter, it'd be much better than an actual finale to the story. This may have been a big deal to all those 10 year olds in audience at the movie theater, but it meant absolutely nothing to me since I saw it a year later on rented VHS and had already been playing the game for months. In fact it only pissed me off since somehow Jimmy found the first secret whistle the first time he ever played the game, and first time I played I died from falling in a hole (which was quite embarrassing since it was at an arcade machine in the local McCorrie's, with a bunch of cooler kids laughing at me looking over my shoulder... although, as I think about it now those kids were about as cool as Lucas). The kid was an obvious cheater, adding another bad moral for kids. But I digress. Next time you see this film rerunning on Encore, stop and have a look. It's a nice stroll down memory lane to when the NES was the coolest thing in the world, and since they don't rerun old video game commercials, this is all we got.
¶ 7:19:00 PM 2 Comments
So the question is, who do you have to be in this world to not have to ask permission to take a toliet break?
US President George W Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the United Nations. It reads: ‘I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?
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For those of you who somehow have no idea what this is in referance to, check out this CNN article.
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 Trying to make his moustache grow faster. |
 Playing dictator to a family of rats. |
 Fantasizing about being a superhero. |
 Quietly sobbing in the corner. |
I think they're crazy! Did you see his last baseball card?
But, let's look at it this way. They says hundreds, possibly thousands are missing or dead. The area has been evacuated yet these people are still there, probably because they have nowhere to go (or maybe they're afraid that someone will loot their house if they leave). Now, if your stuck there, what are you going to do for food? Ain't nowhere open to shop.
Also these people have lost everything, let them steel a pair of shoes, when they get home it'll still be a hurricane wrecked piece if crap house. Of all the looters I've seen on TV, none have them seemed too happy. Not one looter was skipping down the street with a shopping bag, excited about the great deals they were getting.
Of course people also stealing things they don't need, like plasma TVs. I'm sure those TVs will look great back at their houses that lack electric/cable/roofs.
And, for those of you wondering where the police are in all this, don't worry! They are getting in on the fun too! As seen in this video:
¶ 12:10:00 PM 3 Comments
What the hell is this, you ask? Check out the video and this Wikipedia entry.
¶ 4:36:00 PM 3 Comments
Click for higher quality image.
Click for higher quality image.
So, for the hell of it let's look at some of those embarrassments just to be a bitch and annoy the internet (why am I talking about the internet as if it's a person, what in the world is wrong with me? Why is urine yellow?
So here, in my opinion, are the top 5 embarrassments of the internet:
5) Hamsters Dance - Two friends bet each other to see who could make a website that would get more hits. One of them thought a bunch of animated gifs of hamsters and repeating one [very annoying] line of "Whistle Stop" by Roger Miller would draw a lot of hits. And, for some unknown reason, she was right. The site even spawned a dance CD. Thinking about it even now want me to cry for the sake of humanity.
4) Peanut Butter Jelly Time - It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Peanut Butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!
Just repeat that over and over while picturing a dancing banana that has about 5 frames of animation. The fact that this is what Internet users seemed to think of as entertainment boggles the mind.
3) Ate My Balls - When searching for anyone back in the mid to late nineties you were sure to come up with a site about them eating balls. And if you got curious enough to click on one of these sites you'd surely must be dead now because you most likely would of committed suicide right after. Some call it tasteless humor, but since there's nothing actually funny on any of these pages, I think just tasteless would fit it better.
All these were basically were pictures of TV show characters with word bubbles exclaiming their love for balls. To just demonstrate how bad these sites are here's one image from the "Kramer Ate My Balls" site"
Sadly, many of these sites are still up and running.
2) My Space - Holy crap! Can we please remove this piece of garbage off the net. This site seems to have three reasons to exist.
a) To show off how many "friends" you have (Yeah, I'm sure all of you
and " Tom" and best buds).
b) So all you valley girl wannabees we can have a way to chat when not
using AIM, Cell phones, or GASP actually talking face to face.
c) And to for some incomprehensible reason put incredibly large
amounts of pictures, audio, and video in your profile. Every profile
on Myspace looks like it was designed by a four year old with a
learning disability. Why do you choose backgrounds that make it
impossible to read and text over it? And what is wrong with your
brain that you think every time someone visits your site they want too
some stupid rap video. I feel bad for people still on dial-up who
must have to wait 5 years for every page to load up. Actually, you
know what? I take that back. I feel bad for anyone who ever visits
MySpace.
1) AOL - This one pretty much explains everything previously mentioned. There are tons of choices out there for an ISP… so why would anyone choose AOL. Stupidity, that's why. Back in the late nineties I could not open my mailbox without finding another dozen or so discs. 2 and a half hours free, 10 hours free, 25 hours for free, 2500 hours free. I don't care how long it's free, I have no desire to use your sub par email service and browser that looks like a Fisher Price "My first Web Browser". AOL made it so easy to get online that every idiot was soon able to log onto the "interweb." Soon wars would break out on usenet everytime someone from AOL would post something like "Me too!"
Even AIM has proven to be unusable with it's video ads, and if that wasn't enough early beta reports show ads appearing between the text of you friends messages to you in future versions.
Why would you pay $24.95 a month for this. Pay the extra $5 a month and get broadband jackass, actually just stay on AOL, it'll make it easier to identify the idiots.
¶ 10:10:00 PM 7 Comments
Labels: conan o' brien, today show
¶ 11:10:00 PM 0 Comments
I've included the comic in it's entirety for your enjoyment, click on the image to turn the page (or the words "Next Page," duh).
Next Page ->>>
Labels: superman
¶ 10:19:00 AM 1 Comments
Here is video of Novak cursing and walking off the set. This video is in Windows Media format.
If the above link for the video does not work, you may also try this one.
¶ 4:36:00 PM 0 Comments
I'm just about to sit down a nice bowl of Frosted Flakes and I suddenly began thinking about some of the cereals I ate as a child. So, I think perhaps now be a good time to sit back and take look back in time... a look back in time all the way to the 1980's.
Here are a few of the cereals I can remember at one point sitting on my kitchen table:
Ice cream Jones
Ice cream Jones was a cereal that features Ice Cream... for breakfast! If you think that sounds stupid, shut up! Considering these days we got Reece's cereal and Smores cereal. Ice cream Jones didn't really taste like ice cream anyway. It did taste like ice cream cones, but who'd want that? Me, I guess, I ate it.
The cereal had little tiny cones and little kix like shaped “scoops,” which, if you wanted to, could actually be placed on top of a cone piece. Of course when all these pieces are floating around in milk it never really resembles ice cream.
Nintendo Cereal System
Mario Bros. & Zelda cereal! This one of those cereals I'm willing to bet I begged my mom to buy and then wish I never had. The box was probably better than the cereal... and the box isn't that great.
Dunkin' Donuts
You ever see that old Saturday Night Live Sketch where they are advertising a cereal called “Tiny Chocolate Donuts”. Basicaly it's just those tiny chocolate donuts from Hostess in a bowl with milk. Well, I wonder if whoever thought up this cereal was watching that sketch when they came up with Dunkin' Donuts Cereal.
Dunkin' Donuts, which like almost every other cereal, just pretty much was just more sugar oats. This cereal cleverly contained two different cereals in each box, chocolate & glazed. What flavor you'd get depended on if you opened it from the right or left side. The box kind of opened like a box of Nerds, speaking of which:
Nerds
Yes Nerds candy was a cereal! Why? Why not I guess?
Nerds cereal by most people account was horrible and tasted like vomit. I don't remember what it tasted like, and that wasn't really the point. Each box came in two flavors that could be poured from either end depending on which flavor you desired.
You could also mail away for a special bowl that had a divider in the middle so you could keep the flavors separate. The divider could then be taken out so the milk could mix together when you were done. Genius!
Morning Funnies
I don't remember anything about how this cereal tasted, what it was suppose to taste like, or even what it looked like. That was all beyond this cereal's point.
Usually when your sitting at the kitchen table, eating your cereal, you just have nothing to do other than read the back of the cereal box. But that can get boring fast. Morning Funnies tried to change all that by putting comics on the back of the cereal. There would actually be a cardboard flap on the back that when opened would extend the box's back to three full pages of comics. Except the comics weren't that great. And you could easily read through all of them through one sitting. And once you'd read them, what was the point of eating the cereal anymore?
King Vitamin
There was nothing special about this cereal, which still exists to this day. But this is what I remember eat most often in my younger days. Most likely this cereal was very easy on the wallet, and that is why it found it's way into my bowl most often. The taste actually wasn't too bad either, but man, that's one scary box.
Oh well, there were tons more I ate I'm sure, but that can wait for another time. If you'd like to read more about old cereal, check out Topher's Breakfast Cereal Guide.
Labels: crereal
¶ 11:25:00 AM 1 Comments
Labels: coke zero, pepsi, soda
¶ 1:27:00 PM 2 Comments
read more | digg story ¶ 9:49:00 PM 0 Comments
"Foooour-evvv-uh, Fooooour-evvv-uh" Welcome to "Bad Movies I Like," what's bound to be the most beloved column I'll ever publish... or not. Hell, this might be the only one I ever I write. What's the point of making such a commitment. This week, or month, or time, or whatever, we take a look at The Sandlot. This was basically a movie about a bunch of kids who play baseball. They just play themselves and never bother keep score or anything. Sounds exciting, eh? This movie includes such memorable lines as "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards." This was a favorite among my peers back in the day. They would use this line on each other between telling "Your Mamma" jokes they had heard on "In Living Color." This would be followed by laughter and served as proof that kids are dumb. Who could forget the classic scene when the kids try chewing tobacco for the first time while riding a roller coaster, proving that kids in movies are dumb too. This leads to all the kids vomiting all each other and everyone. Did I mention this is a family film. At a sleepover,the token fat kid says if he had to eat just one food for the rest of his life it'd be cherry flavored Pezz. Which actually doesn't like that bad of a choice to me. Hey, wasn't there a scene here about Smores too? It had some stupid joke like, "Do you want some Smores?" "Some more of what?" Ha! Genius! Anyway, it's at this sleepover where the story of "The Beast" is told. "The Beast," according to this sequence, appears to a huge dog, like the size of Clifford. Only this dog is evil... although I've always had my suspicion about Clifford... and when is T-Bone going to get his own show... and I'm rambling off again, aren't I... AREN”T I? So anyway, yes, this dog, or "The Beast," just happens to live next to The Sandlot. And, because the movie needs a plot, one kid accidentally hits his dad's autographed "Babe Ruth" baseball over the fence. And hilarity ensues. Well, maybe not. The kids try all different types of things to get the ball back. Like using vacuums, catapults, and running real fast. But none if really matters because it turns out the the guy who owns "The Beast" is actually a kind old man played by James Earl Jones. He invites the kids in and tells the kids the virtues of Verizon DSL. Did I mention Dennis Leary is in this movie? No? Well, that's because there really isn't any point of doing so. They've recently come out with a sequel to this movie, creatively called "The Sandlot 2". In this movie a kid accidentally launches his dad's prized toy rocket over the fence where now a creature called "The Big Fear" lives. It might sound the same, but this time James Earl Jones tells them the virtues of the Bell Atlantic Yellow Pages. "9 out of 10 use it, No other book can match it"
Labels: bad movies, dennis leary, sandlot
¶ 11:00:00 AM 2 Comments
“They that give up liberty for a little temporary security, deserve neither liberty nor security” -- Benjamin Franklin
New York City Police have began doing random bag searches at subway stations. The goal, of course, to avoid a London like event here. Sounds reasonable of an objective enough. But does it really make any sense?
First off, for those of you who don't spend much time in New York City, let me tell you something about the folk over here. While we may have a very diverse population, there's one thing everyone has in common: we are impatient. New Yorkers are always in a rush. We don't like to wait for anything. Even when we have no where to go, we're in a hurry. If you ever tried to walk down 7th avenue at a slightly slower pace you'll know what I'm talking about. Everyone will either walk or push by you. So, how can anyone really expect New Yorkers to spend a few valuable minutes of their time to get searched.
Not to mention everyone in New York is carrying a bag. Either going to work with your suitcase, shopping carrying your bought overpriced crud, or a tourist with your camera bag and fanny pack.
To top it off the system is horribly flawed. The bag searches are completely random. Only some will be searched, and if someone refuses (you have the right to refuse, at least the Patriot Act hasn't completely killed off the 4th amendment) you just simply are not allowed to ride the subway. So, imagine if a terrorist were to actually try to get on a subway with a bomb, they more or less likely probably wouldn't even be searched. And if they were, they could simply refuse and try again later, or walk down the street to another subway station.
I'm not saying an attack is inevitable and therefor we should do nothing about it, but what about spending the money that these searches are costing on something that might actually stop terrorist attacks. Like how about more intelligence, that's always a good thing. Or how about giving it to Sally Struthers so she can feed those starving kids? At least then we'd actually would know we were doing something to save lives.
The simple fact is that there is no single simple solution to this problem. Just throwing a table with some guys at it in a subway station will create nothing but paranoia and annoyance. Everyone needs to take a step back and actually think for once, then perhaps we be able to come up with an actual solution.
Labels: ben franklin, sally struthers, security
¶ 9:06:00 AM 3 Comments
And why the hell are his eyes so red?
Anyway, just so this update isn't all bad, check out this song by Bad Credit about Bill Gates.
Labels: bad credit, bill gates, microsoft, teen beat
¶ 6:42:00 PM 0 Comments
Sharp has invented a TV that, depending on which angle you are looking at from, can show two different shows. Why? I don't know. They say it'll cost twice as a normal TV, begging the question: Why not just buy two TVs. That two people can watch two different shows without having sit on different ends of the couch while wearing headphones. Whatever. I'm probably wrong, I usually am.
Click here for video if the television in action from CNN Headline News. Video is in DiVx, if you can't play the video, click here and get the codec.
Labels: digg, sharp, television
¶ 10:13:00 PM 0 Comments
But now comes along a remake with... Johnny Depp? What the hell? Could this remake really be anywhere near as good as the original. This new version would have, we were told, no music numbers, no Gene Wilder, no Slugworth. This one is suppose be more like the book... but the book sucked (okay that's a lie, it didn't suck, but the movie was better).
The best way for any movie to pleasantly surprise you is to go in expecting the worse. And perhaps that's what happened. I thought the story telling was great. The visuals were beautiful. I preferred each kid to the one that played them in the original. And Johnny Depp wasn't as bad as I though he'd be (although he's still no Gene Wilder).
The movie had it's downfalls. I think we could of done without the Christopher Lee daddy scenes, although I understand why they were there. The original book had no plot, so the 1971 version added Slugworth, this one added Willy Wonka's childhood issues. Also while Danny Elfman's score is up to it's usual high quality, the Oompa Loompa numbers (the only songs in the movie for the most part) were overdone and forgettable. The Oompa Loompa's singing is annoying and too hard too understand, the lyrics were probably clever but I couldn't make most of them out. As they are the songs were pretty much pointless and disposable.
But, most importantly this movie continues to let your imagination take over, forget about what's possible and let yourself dream. That's one of the things I enjoyed about both the new and old film versions, and the book too for that matter.
I feel bad saying it, it's almost as if I'm betraying my childhood, but I think I like this version better. But my mind will probably change. The original Willy Wonka still stands well over 30 years after being made, I can't see this Johnny Depp standing that test of time.
Labels: johnny depp, reviews, willy wonka
¶ 5:02:00 PM 0 Comments
But some of those people on MySpace, actually most of them, they're just so... urgh. The way they encode annoying music & video right into the page. How they put a million pictures all over their profile. How they choose backgrounds that blend in way too much with the text color so you can't read anything. Oh, they must pay..
One thing that annoys me about MySpace is that everyone just links to pictures on other people's websites. They don't ask permission, or bother too upload it to their own webspace somewhere. They do this constantly to me, and this how I strike against them.
It seems many MySpace users decided they wanted to show their love of long time gone (for good reason) show, "Salute Your Shorts," by posting a picture from my site. But it seems I've accidentally deleted the picture and replaced it with a very inappropriate picture of Tom Selleck. Lets see how long it takes MySpace users to notice and remove the picture. Here are eight different MySpace profiles now showing this horrible image: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8
This isn't limited to MySpace of course, this Xanga user also is in the mix. As this illegal bootleg seller on ebay.
Cruel? Perhaps. But hey, they're getting links from me! Free publicity!
¶ 11:45:00 PM 0 Comments
Needing a break from curing cancer, scientists have made a major breakthrough in monkey porn. Yep, monkey porn. Scientists of Duke University Medical Center have discovered that monkeys will pay to see pictures of 'monkey bottoms.'
This is great news for those in the porno industry trying to attract an audience other than teenage men, dirty old men, middle-aged men, and any other kind of men you can think of.
Unfortunately the monkey so far can only pay in "juice rewards" to see these 'monkey bottoms.' But maybe now they can jobs to pay for their dirty habit. Their has got to be something a monkey can do, I wonder how much that monkey on Friends makes...
You can read more about this wonder ful phenomenom here. By the way, I'm curious to see how many hits I get from people actually searching for "monkey porn," or fat that matter what kind of ads google will put on here using their "content targeting" system.
¶ 9:13:00 PM 0 Comments
You can check out more Non Sequitor at ucomics.com.
Labels: fox, non sequitor
¶ 1:17:00 AM 0 Comments
Crudpants.com is no more, I let it expire so now it'll just be cheesegod.com/crudpant. And that's the way it is.
Labels: bobbit, conan o' brien, crudpants
¶ 11:13:00 AM 0 Comments
George W. Bush crashed his bicycle earlier today into a cop in Scotland. Bush suffered some scrapes on his hands and needed to be bandaged. The poor cop was taken to the hospital (although the injuries are apparently nothing too severe). The white house has blamed the crash on rain. The image on the right is an artist rendering of what the crash may have looked like.This is the second time in as many years that Bush has crashed his bike. Last year he suffered abrasions to his chin, upper lip, nose, right hand and both knees when he crashed on his ranch in Texas.
Labels: bike, george bush, police, scotland
¶ 8:36:00 AM 0 Comments
As for the rest of you, use the following link for your RSS needs:
http://cheesegod.com/cheesegod.rss
Now you won't have to visit this site anymore just to find out it hasn't been updated. Enjoy!
UPDATE (05.07.25): Okay, if you really want to know what RSS is, check out this post at wikipedia.
Labels: cheesegod.com, rss, updates
¶ 4:59:00 PM 2 Comments
Apparently in Kosice, Slovakia newborns are foarced to listen to Mozart because it helps them "adapt better to life." What I don't get is why do they all need their own headphones? Are they listening to different songs? Second, why did they have to choose headphones bigger than the babies themselves?
Nonetheless, I think this photo would make a great album cover
Labels: music, newborns, slovakia
¶ 10:59:00 AM 0 Comments
All past content will still be available in the past version section, just in case you think the new stuff sucks.
Labels: cheesegod.com, redesign, updates
¶ 8:28:00 PM 0 Comments
From: Your Friend
Subject: Fwd:Fwd:Re:Fwd(2):So amazing, i believe it!
>>>OMG! This is good!
>>>------------------------------------------------
>>To:Jfranco@nym.com; Danza@goober.com; chichenman87@aol.com; smith@agnt.net; crudpants@lol.com; amazonfoot@hotmail.com; gigglemeister@gmail.com; bawlsdrinker@msn.com; luverofluv@webtv.net; frank3434344333456677@aol.com; complexity11@webtv.net; countdoofy@thematrixonline.com; triel@hotmail.com;
lindemon@nym.com; orsulak@hotmail.com; fastslimmer@dryuim.com; sexxylump@gmail.com; segui@aol.com; vizcaino@ssplayer.com; bonilla25@aol.com; 75-80-83-91@grove.com; pepsidrinker@coke.com; dr.giggles@gmail.com
>>From: greenman@dallas.com
>>Subject: fwd:re:fwd(2): So amazing, i believe it!
>>Is this true? It's on the internet... so it must be... right?
Original message:
To: Flansy@tmbg.com; operatordot@aol.com; linnell@johns.com; millerman@bankodans.com; weiny@bandofdans.com; hickeymachine@borninagraveyard.com; beller@newbie.com; tkazinski@usps.gov; haverchuck@thebionicwomanfansite.com; treznor@nin.net; commander@theaquabats.com; beardedman@lirr.org; agent_skinner@morgue.com; lonelypie@buttsgalour.com
From: phishmeister@iol.com
Subject: Help me please,,
Hello friends,
I'm bill Gates. Owner of Micro-soft windows. I have a lot of money. I got bored. I just made new X-box. But what can I do now!!
Me and George Bush make a bet to see who can make the largest number. Bush is making his number by making war. His number is will be maDE with deficit. Big number.
I want to make my number with a windows. But computer runs on 1s and 0s. Those are small numbers. And what big numbers are on a computers! Credit Card!
Please send me your credit card number. I want to win this bet. To make the largest number i will cut and copy all the numbers to gether to make one big number!
If you help me and send me your numbers, I'll send you a $1,000,000 US gift certificate to iMusic tunes store. Also I'll give you a backrub! YOU LIKE!
I want to win, I'll be the new emperor of the Americans.
Please send you credit card numbers to:
Edarewod Orrobs
1346 Nanoc ln
Indonesia
Orrobs, is my number associate. He has his office in Indonesia for tax purposes.
I am the trusted rich man. I WOULD NOT TELL THE UNTRUTHS!
Love,
Bill Gates
Labels: bill gates, credit cards, email, scam
¶ 10:37:00 AM 0 Comments
Shigero Miyamoto, creator of Mario, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Pikmin, and the goofy
grin, received a standing ovation at E3 when he came onto the stage. He received
an even bigger applause when he announced Nintendo's revolutionary plans for the next
system: Ass control."Too often a players bottom feels left out. It will go numb, or fall asleep, with boredom," Miyamoto told the core of Nintendo enthusiasts, "Now, with our revolutionary controller all will see the Nintendo difference. The difference you feel when you sit."
The crowd, all Nintendo fan boys/girls who had to sign a loyalty oath before being allowed in, took well to the news.
"Oh my god! Oh my god," said one 35 year old male wearing a Pac Man Fever T-shirt. He told us his name but we decided not to print it because we felt sorry for his family and possibly and friends, if any, he might have.
The revolutionary controller will feature a two crevis designed to snuggly fit each buttcheak. Nintendo showed off a new version of bike racing game Excitebike. Depending how you lean on your butt, the character in game will respond when turning.
Meanwhile Sony announced 536 new games for the PSP, all poorly made ports of older games. Sony also addressed the battery problem of the PSP by introducing a one foot wide add on pack which will increase the battery life by 13%. Also, they said they will increase their warranty on the system to 45 days, and promised to no longer say, "C'mon, it's a Sony system! It's suppose to break!"
Microsoft, feeling left out, also introduced a new hand held, which will run Windows CE and be capable of displaying graphics similar to the X-Box. The demo of Halo 2 running seemed impressive, but no one was able to play long due to excruciating back pain from holding the 52lb handheld too long. Microsoft plans on releasing a "strap on dolly" to help carry the load."
Labels: 536, ass, microsoft, nintendo, psp, shigeru miyamota, sony, video games, wii
¶ 10:41:00 AM 0 Comments
This month marked the return of new episodes of Family Guy after a long hiatus. The show aired for just three short years on FOX before due to lack of viewers... and originality. it was canceled. But, thanks to great DVD sales and outstanding rerun ratings, the show has finally returned to FOX.
I have to admit, it was big of FOX to admit it was wrong and bring the show back. Family Guy suffered low ratings not just because it was another Simpson's clone, but also because it was put in tough time slots (against Friends), and new episodes were often aired during the summer, when no one watches TV. FOX has obviously learned from these mistakes, since they now air Family Guy against Desperate Housewives and are going to show most of the new episodes during this Summer.
Perhaps the most important thing about all of this, is it gives us hope. Hope
that someday perhaps the greatest show ever aired will be able to return. That's
right, I'm talking about Doogie Howser MD!
We can get this monumental show back, we just must follow the same steps Family Guy did:
1) Buy DVDs - the first season of Doogie Howser was just released. I already have 3.7 copies (I had a full four, but Mr. Fish used one of the discs as an "Ass Coaster. I hate him so.)
2) Watch it Reruns - Well, it's not in reruns anymore. I don't know why. You'd think with 200 channels someone wouls be able to fit it in somewhere. So instead let's watch other things Neal Patrick Harris has been in to show our support. Like Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, that one episode of the Simposons.... I think he was on that show Ed once.... hmmmm.
3) Buy The Merchandise - FOX isn't showing Family Guy because it's funny, they're showing it because they want money and they know people will buy the T-shirts. Right now their doesn't seem to be any Doogie Howser merchandise (believe me, I've searched eBay long and hard for a Neal Patrick Harris Doll). I tried to make my own "I Love Doogie" t-Shirt, but the clowns at Cafepress made a typo, and now I have a "I Love Dookie" shirt.
4) Sign The Petition - Sign it now! Everyone will always do what people on line tell them to do!
The Star Trek Nerds Fans are raising money to fund the next season of
Enterprise themselves. Why couldn't we do the same thing? How much could it cost?
I doubt Neal Patrick Harris would demand a big salary, it's not like he's doing
anything else. He could just come to my house and act out the show while I film
it with my webcam.
I've started a collection up. So far I put in $3.26 of my own money, and after
collecting at the mall all week I've gotten it up to $4.26 (I got a dollar from
some woman by saying bringing back Doogie would be good for "The Troops") So
everyone please send me your money so we may one day enjoy our Dookie Doogie Howser.
Labels: doogie howser, fox, lance froman, neil patrick harris, star trek
¶ 10:46:00 AM 0 Comments
After making his triumphant goal of reaching Level 50 in the Matrix Online video game, teen Trent Abhorred has been hospitalized.Trent was able to reach level 50 in just under two weeks by playing 18 hours a day. He was able to accomplish such extended periods of game play by continuing not have any personal life and have his mom bring his Mac & Cheese dinner to his room. Reaching the level also meant having to exploit flaws in the game that involves extreme repetition that would bore anyone who wasn't used to have a boring life already.
Unfortunately, after reaching his 25th hour in a row after repeated killing of opposing players still below level 20, he experienced blindness after accidentally coming into contact with sunlight when his mom opened the Peter Pan curtains in his room.
Trent is in distress right now, worried that by the time he gets out of the hospital people will have caught up with him on the game and he will receive constant ass kickings in game just like he does in real life everyday at school.
Rumor has it Trent is also suffering from extreme butt numbness and "keyboard fingers." We, however, were unable to confirm this, because no one has actually visited him the hospital.
Yes, this story is perhaps written with hate, as my ass was kicked by a level 50 player last night. By the way, if anyone reading this actually play The Matrix Online you can still find me on the Regression server under the handle "godofcheese." Look me up.
Labels: level 50, matrix online, MMO, video games
¶ 10:49:00 AM 0 Comments
This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria."Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays," Tom Delay told us, "but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican."
Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, "Well we did say 'up to' three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that's only going to the cost of napkins."
We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it's the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.
John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. "Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays." McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.
Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target's hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.
John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn't matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.
Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.
Labels: hillary clinton, john kerry, john mccain, kelsey grammar, sloppy joes, target
¶ 10:54:00 AM 0 Comments
The search wars are heating up. MSN has just added Google like ads to it's seaches. Ask Jeeves just introduced a new, sexier, version of their buttler. Lycos has taken out an ad in the back of the village voice in the classifieds. And Webcrawler has announced to their own surprise that they still exist.So what is current search king Google doing about it? Well, continuing in their tradition in introducing a new feature every month (Gmail, Video Search, Google Maps, Jock Strap size search) they have brought out perhaps the most popular one to date, the hacked Sidekick search.
With more and more people purchasing cellphones because they want to be cool like Snoop Dog and less because of useful features (like security) it has become easier to take advantage of them. With all these sidekicks becoming hacked everyday someone has to keep track of them. And that someone is Google. Or that something is Google. I guess Google isn't a person. Sometimes I wish it was. I'd comb her hair and she'd invent new ways to defrost chili.
No longer will you have to search through back issues of 2600 to find the number for Tony Danza. While most celebrities seem to hate the idea, 50 cent has already been involved in 13 shooting over the subject, some are embracing it.
"I got two phone calls today," John Larroquette excitingly told us, "that's the most I've gotten since I wrote my number on a bathroom stall. Although one call was just to ask if I had Chi McBride's number. I know him, you know. Yep! He was on my show back in the '90s. He played a janitor, I was the star! He thinks he's so big, being in I Robot and The Terminal! Well things are happening for me too! I'm currently filming a Meow Mix commercial... you don't actually see my face, but you can see my hand open a can of Tuna n' Pork!"
Meanwhile Paris Hilton also welcomed to additional calls from men. It has allowed her to be able to complete her goal of sleeping with 536 men a week by Friday, leaving her the weekend free to attend to her other hobbies, like getting drunk and sleeping with more men.
Labels: 536, cell phones, chi mcbride, google, john larroquette, paris hilton, sidekick
¶ 10:57:00 AM 0 Comments
Archaeologist unearthed an AOL disc from an apartment in Queens this week. The
disc is believed to date as far back as 1994.
"We still have to run some more tests on the artifact, but if it's as old as
some of us suspect this could be a major breakthrough," Super Nerd
Computer Historian Josh Guzzle told us.
The disc, which offers a whopping 2 hours of internet access for free, was with an A.C. Slater pepper shaker. Scientists find this of particular interest because no one has admited to liking Saved By The Bell since the early 90's, and even then...
An AOL disc that dates back to 1994 would be the oldest disc known so far. It would actually predate the great "AOL CD Avalanche" that took 15 lives in a landfill in 1999.
Historians are eager to check the disc out on a computer, but are still searching for one that still has a floppy drive.
"We went down to the high school, but they were still using Commodore 64s. Chris says he has an original iMac in his basement. We'll have to see if it still works," Guzzle told us while picking his nose, wearing taped glasses, adjusting his pocket protector, petting his calculator, and anything else nerdy you can think of, "We'll have to wear eye protection when we power up the iMac. The horrible light up colored back is likely to blind us all."
Once they have the disc running in the computer, the geeks scientists
plan to on laughing at the "archaic" look and the fact people use to pay $2.50
an hour to use such garbage.
The apartment the disc was found in was owned by an old lady who never threw out her mail. She is believed to have died at least 10 years ago from laughing too hard an episode of Salute Your Shorts.
"We think it was that one with that red headed kid... What was his name? Sputnik? No... You know, the kid from the beginning of Terminator 2. Anyway, he sneaks a salami into camp with hilarious consequences. I've always enjoyed that one myself," Guzzle told us as we began slowly inching towards the door.
As far as future plans for the disc, the scientist plan to donate it to a museum after they're done laughing at it. So far many museums have been contacted, but none have returned their calls.
Labels: aol, commodore 64, imac, salute your shorts, saved by the bell
¶ 11:01:00 AM 0 Comments
Of course his father, George H.W. Bush, couldn't be prouder. And how does any father reward their son for good work?
With a trip to Chuck E. Cheese of course! Here's the photos for the celebration:
George plays in the ball pit.
George losing at Air Hockey...
...to this child.
And of course what trip wouldn't be complete without George meeting his hero:
Labels: air hockey, chuck e. cheese, george bush
¶ 10:30:00 AM 0 Comments
Well now that we have all this crazy technology, perhaps someone should go back and make Shatner appear to act through the magic of computers. Using our super expensive, mega complex, photoshop, we can provide just a mere glimpse of what it would be like.
By the way, if you have any doubts about the acting capabilities of William Shatner, perhaps you should check this out.
Press the buttons to make Shatner "act" a different emotion. Give it a few seconds after you hit each button for the image to load.
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Labels: william shatner
¶ 1:14:00 PM 0 Comments
Plagued by the decline of intelligence of the people in the United States, Border's Books has announced they're dropping books from their stock."They're just taking up valuable space from the CDs, DVDs, and puppy calendars," we were told by Border's stock boy, Steve Guttenburg, who we suspect is the very same person who starred in the Police Academy movies, just older... and more pathetic (if possible) now.
Border's will still cary books-on-tape because they're the only type of book that doesn't require reading.
"I try reading a book, but after the first page I'm bored to tears. Like I really care what a character may be thinking or feeling," books-on-tape advocate Tony Catsup told us.
Some however fear this is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society.
"This is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society," some person whose good for us simple Arrested Development fans. (NOTE: I just reread this article I had typed almost 3 years ago. I have no idea what this last sentence means, or was suppose to mean. Oh well. -ED 9/19/07)
Some books will still be sold just for novelty purposes. People will be able to buy them so they can put them on their shelves so they will look sophisticated to those who visit them.
Border's will also use some of it's now bookless space for it's new MP3-on-DVDs.
"We're not sure what a MP3-on-DVD is, but it's got both DVD and MP3 in the name. And that's what the kids are into these days. That and GameBoy... and Pokemon... Or is that still cool?," Guttenburg told us, "Is it? Hello? Are you listening to what I'm saying? I'm asking you aquestion? Can you stop writing what I'm saying for one second and tell me if pokemon still popular. Why are you even still writing what I'm saying for anyway? It's not like you're going to put any of this in your article!"
Labels: books, borders, dvd, Gameboy, mp3, Pokemon, steve guttenburg
¶ 1:15:00 PM 0 Comments
The national symbol, the bald eagle, has announced he stepping down from his post under George W. Bush.The bald eagle declined to comment directly, but inside sources say the eagle plans to spend more time with his family now. He also plans to play his role in helping to get out of that whole endangered thing.
Bush is currently considering his dog Buddy and Spongbob Squarepants as possible replacements.
Labels: buddy, eagle, george bush, spongebob
¶ 1:22:00 PM 0 Comments
The world's oldest iPod has died at the age of 2. It's owner, George Flippant, 12 of Newark, New Jersey, hobbies include fishing and fragging, his favorite Backstreet boy is the one with the hair, was deeply saddened by the unfortunate turn of events.
The iPod more than outlived it's life expectancy of 366 days (1 day longer than the included warranty) by a full year. Many marveled at the ancient technology of the iPod with it's old school tech wheel and all.
"The wheel in the click wheel actually turned instead of staying stationary. It's so 2002," Flippant's 8 year old neighbor Alexander Beef told us when we were able to distract him from his new triple screen GameBoy.
The elder iPod's life ended abruptly when it was dropped on Flippant's kitchen floor.
"It all happened so fast," Flippant told us, telling us the events of the iPod's demise, "One minute I was dancing to the new Eminem song with the iPod in my hand. I was pretending to be one of those silhouette people like in the commercials. Then the next minute the iPod has flown out of my hand and is crashing into a million pieces after hitting the floor."
Most iPods die of bad batteries, hard drive failure, or depression of a crappy music library. Not everyone believes Flippant's story.
"He just broke it cause he wanted a new one for christmas," George Flippant's sister Georgia told us, "He's always doing stuff like that. He always get's it too. Like that time he broke his arm and Mom took him out of school for two days. He was so faking it."
The police will not say if they're willing to rule out foul play yet.
"What the hell do I care what happened to some kid's walkman," Tony Putz, chief of police, told us.
Meanwhile George does indeed plan to ask for another iPod this christmas.
"They're so cool. They're just like old iPods but they can display photos! And they're only $600!"
¶ 1:23:00 PM 0 Comments
Dick Cheney found himself in the hospital with his 63rd Heart Attack in as many years Saturday after finally learning the truth about this months election.It seems Cheney and his fellow minions had plotted for months for ways to rig the presidental election. From mailing out fictatious flyers, to warning blacks not to vote, to rigging those electronic polling machines, to bashing people's knees caps who weren't white men when they approached the polls in Ohio. Cheney thought he had sealed up the election for Bush & Co.
And everything went to plan... or so he thought. Yeah, sure, they won the election. But it was only Saturday morning someone told Cheney the truth.
Those flyers didn't work. Blacks voted anyway. They forgot to bash kneecaps. And the Bush team doesn't even know there's only one Internet nonetheless know how to rig a voting machine. Yes, against all odds, Bush won the election fairly.
This would be enough to shock anyone, but Cheney on his fifth baboon heart replacement went into instant cardiac arrest.
Democrats are already crying foul, claiming Bush is just trying to upstage Arafat. Democrats also still don't believe the election wasn't rigged. Their only argument is, "Look at him! He's a f*cking moron! Who'd the hell would vote for him." Which is a pretty valid argument.
Labels: dick cheney, george bush, knee caps
¶ 1:28:00 PM 0 Comments
After 51% of America announced to the rest of the world they're mentally retarded, the second term, first time elected, president spoke publicly about his plans for the future. Kerry woke up yesterday morning to the realization that America was too worried about two dudes kissing to care about logic, he made the general "battle is lost, but the war is not over" speech. Bush, who always knew he'd win because Dick Cheney told him so, wasted no time continuing to make a fool of himself, telling the American public he was elected with a Mandate (in which you need 55% of the vote for). He also expressed concern over Illionois electing "Obama Sin Laden" to the senate.
Bush called a press conference and happily announced his plans for the future. Here are the highlights:
· Wars against Iran, Kuwait, France, North East America, and Melmac. Bush said he would not invade N. Korea because after the WWII stories his dad told him, he's afraid of the Japanese.
· Reinstate the Draft. All men between the ages of 16 to 59 will be forced to join the army and fight someone or other. Bush insisted this isn't a flip-flop, when he said there would be no draft he was referring to his bedroom, where he just finally had the windows shut.
· A Quadrillian Dollar Deficit. Because he wants to see what they'll do when they run out of space on the counters in New York City.
· 90% tax cut for the rich. It's trickle down economics at work.
· To read all the way through The Monster At The End Of This Book.
· Sleep, sit around, whatever...
When the press asked Bush what he thought American's would say about these plans, Bush responded, "What the hell do I care? What are they going to do? Not vote for me?" Bush then got in his new "Presidential Bike" and rode off to Chuck-E-Cheese where he spent the rest of the day.
Meanwhile Kerry ripped off his lucky red tie, his lucky Boston Red Sox cap, and removed his lucky Springsteen guitar pick from his pocket and yelled at them; "You've betrayed me for the last time!" He then took a dump in a paper bag, set it on fire, and left it on John O' Neil's door step.
Labels: alf, barack obama, george bush, john kerry
¶ 1:31:00 PM 0 Comments
echnology is always improving. And what better
technology out there right now then the mp3 player. Of course there's all those
medical type equipments and such too, but this story isn't about that.Rio used to have the overall market share of MP3 players, way back in the golden age of 1999. But then other companies started competing, and that can never can be good for business, just look at Jack in the Box. Then Apple made an mp3 player that didn't suck, and that was the end of that... but, unfortunately, not the end of this story.
Rio is back on the market with an MP3 player so small it's sure to turn heads, at least it would if it were viewable. The new Rio MP-87658.0g is not only so small it can fit inside a match book holder, if such a thing exists, it also is capable of holding 45,095,9832,125.9 songs of CD quality (this is if each song is only 90 seconds long and encoded at a bit rate of 18kps, you may say that's not CD Quality, but that's your opinion. I personally can't tell the difference between CDs and a mp3 of this quality).
A Rio spokesperson told us it also might have games you can play on it. They're not sure yet, even though the MP3 has an LCD screen, it's too small for anyone too see if games are actually available on it.
This MP3 player sounds all fine and dandy, and I highly recommend it. The only drawback so far is that it may be a little fragile. In fact, about two thirds of all players will break if you push the buttons on the front a little too hard. The player is not compatible with AAC or WMA, so if your one of those losers who actually pay for songs you download you are out of luck. Also the player is too small to use headphones with, an adapter is planned, but has not yet been released. Oh, and one last thing, I think Rio went of business years ago.
¶ 1:37:00 PM 0 Comments
| 26 | Number of Times Bush to blame 9/11 for his problems |
| 2 | Amount of times Bush expected to chuckle when Kerry calls him a "Master Debator" |
| 8 | The amount of toes on Kerry's right foot |
| 31 | Amount of times Bush will use 9/11 to justify being reelected |
| 3 | How many people will find something on this site amusing |
| 536 | Amount of times Bush will call Kerry a 'Flip Flopper' |
| 1 | How Many times Kerry will defend himself against Bush |
| None | How many balls John Kerry has |
| 201,054 | How many words will avoid using because he can't pronounce them |
| 29 | How many years ago the Vietnam War ended |
| 11 | The percentage of people that will base their vote on the Vietnam war |
| 1 | How many times Bush will use 9/11 to justify getting Dan Rather fired (he's a very confused little boy) |
| 3 | How many times Kerry's wife will make him plug Heinz ketchup during the debate |
| 2486 | The amount of lies Dick Cheney will tell |
| 2487 | The amount of lies the American people will beileve |
| 0 | How many things that will be accomplished tonight |
Labels: 2004 election, debates, george bush, john kerry
¶ 4:46:00 PM 0 Comments
he Mets have had it hard this month, losing all but two games. Actually, the Mets have had it hard this year, so far having experienced a worse record than last years disappointing season. Come to think about it, the Mets have had a disappointing century. Since losing to the Yankees in the 2000 world series they've yet to regain entry to the playoffs nor even have a winning season during the last three years. You know what?
The Mets have sucked ever since they first picked up a bat in 1962.But, now 42 years and a Joe Orsulak later, the Mets are appearing to take action. They've already announced the termination of current manger Art Howe and all his coaches. The Mets are hoping to negotiate a deal with Lou Pinella, who's proved he can manage a losing team just as well as any ex-Mets manager can while with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
But Mets are not stopping there. The Mets have fired Howe, but the Met's are still losing despite this (granted, that even though Howe was fired he still is managing the team for some reason). So who else can they blame. Armando Benitez? Nope. Already traded him the the Marlins where he's having an All Star season. Maybe Bobby Valentine? No, wait, he was the manager that Mets fans hated and demanded he be fired despite actually producing a winning record with the team. Mo Vaughn? Good try, Although he's still on the payroll, Vaugn hasn't actually played a game in over a year due to being too fat to fit into his hummer and drive to the game. You may have read about him in the news recently. So who else? Mel Rojas? John Rocker? Dallas Green? Choo choo Colemon? Tim McCarver? George McClevane? Steve Phillips? Bob Apadaca? George W. Bush? Nope, all gone... well not Bush... yet... I don't think we can blame this one on him anyway. Maybe Michael Moore can find a way.
There is one group of men who has stayed with the Mets throughout these losing times. Are you thinking, "Owner Fred Wilpon, his idiot son in the front office, and Jim Duquette the GM who traded away all of the young promising players for a beef burrito?"
Nope, wrong! Then who? The Hot Dog vendors of course! Those damn people who walk past you at the stadium every two seconds screaming, "HOT DOG! HOT DOG HERE!" It's there fault!
The Mets philosophy of the week is that the players won't play well unless the fans are cheering them on. The fans won't cheer them on if they're unhappy with there hot dog service. Of course the Hot Dog vendors will argue that the reason they no longer receive cheers is because most fans stopped showing up months ago and the few that do show up have nothing to cheer about. Many fans don't even buy hot dogs because they can't afford the $5 price tag after paying $50 for their ticket. Excuses, excuses.
So, as announced last night to distract the press from the Mets losing a game to the last place Expos, all Hot Dog guys will be terminated at the end of the month. Mr. Met, you're next!
Labels: baseball, hot dogs, mets
¶ 4:49:00 PM 0 Comments
s thousands are expected to line up tonight at the Virgin record store tonight for their chance to get a copy of the highly anticipated Star Wars DVD, early reviewers are warning that it will be disappointing to hardcore fans.
George Lucas just can't help but tinker with his old films. Improving special effects is one thing, but this time Lucas has gone overboard.
How bad could it be you ask? Well, for one, it seems George Lucas wants to make sure fans are able to link the new Star Wars films with the old ones. He's done this replacing several actors in the trilogy with the ones that played them in the new films. At a couple of points throughout the film Darth Vader lifts his visor to reveal Hayden Christensen underneath, who proceeds to wink at the audience. It also seems it's now necessary for Princess Leila to have a tattoo on her right arm of Natalie Portman with the word "Mom" underneath.
But perhaps these are just little nitpicks compared to the added scene of Jabba the Hut meeting up with Howard The Duck to discuss John Kerry's Vietnam record. And if you think that's odd, it seems Lucas has decided he wanted give fans something they really want by adding the death of Jar Jar Binks to Episode IV. Not that fans won't appreciate it, but the storyline of Jar Jar's husband taking him out on a boat and strangling him before dumping him over the side seems both out of place and inappropriate.
Did I mention the product placement? Oh yes, surely I did. Halfway through the ewok battle scene in Return Of The Jedi the ewoks line up and do the Pepto-Bismol dance.
But perhaps I'm making too big of a deal over all this. Many of the fans we interviewed complained immensely about the changes but then conceded to spend the $60 to preorder the DVD anyway... as well as $80 on the new "DVD edition" action figures... and $20 on the Star Wars DVD T-shirt.... and $55 on the new Star Wars Video Game... and $10 on the Star Wars brand Shaving Cream.
May the farce be with you!
Labels: george lucas, howard the duck, john kerry, star wars
¶ 4:54:00 PM 0 Comments
Refusing to admit being outdone in any sort of way, Microsoft Launched it's own Music Store last week. Unfortunately, the ease of use is nonexistent. MSN just doesn't get it.After purchasing each song you must enter in a serial number and register it (or in their words, "activate it") within 30 days of first play or else the song will cease to function. Also each song will automatically put a shortcut in your taskbar, desktop, and start menu. It will also run in the background when you start your PC and have to be shut off manually in the bottom right corner of your screen.
If it annoys you to have to turn off all your music files every time you go on the computer, don't worry, all the files will crash by themselves if you just wait a couple of minutes. Of course for each file that crashes you will get that annoying error box asking you if you want to send a report to Microsoft about it. Sending the report, of course, will just result in a web page loading up blaming the crash on a third party driver.
Meanwhile Microsoft is warning users to update their music files to latest version or they may be taken over by a hacker. And hackers have a crappy bitchin' taste in music (edited by hacker i-m-so-kewl). It is also advised that you reformat your mp3 player each time you transfer a new song onto it for best results.
Apple, owner of song selling leader iTunes, has said they will stay on top by continuing to offer mediocre products at expensive prices... but that are extremely stylish.
Note: I would love to take credit for creating the above image, but I actually stole it from here.
Labels: apple, bill gates, itunes, mp3, msn music, windows
¶ 4:58:00 PM 0 Comments
omiones announced late Thursday night at a midnight rally that they would be introducing a new pizza flavored pizza to replace
the current cardboard flavor.Dominoes hopes this will increase their business to those who enjoy eating pizza. Currently Dominoes customer base consists primarily of those who don't mind the taste of frozen pizza, but are too lazy to put it in the microwave themselves.
If the new pizza goes well, Dominoes plans to introduce more varieties. Currently under consideration are pepperoni, meatball, and mushroom to replace such current favorites as pocket lint, paper towel roll, and ass.
Some are worried about the "New Coke" complex which might have some people miss the old flavor, not caused they like it, but because they can't stand progress. We may be seeing New Dominoes, Dominoes Classic, and D2 (The Low Carb Pizza). No timetable has been set for the release of the new pizza as all of Dominoes' marketing department are currently trying to work on a way of decreasing the size of their pizza even more and still be able to call it 'large.'
¶ 5:02:00 PM 0 Comments
Governor Swartzenegger demonstrates ways to fight terrorists.
Michael Moore is beheaded by GOP militants.
Bush wets his pants...
Labels: Arnold Swartzenegger, george bush, GOP, michael moore
¶ 5:04:00 PM 0 Comments
Swift Boat Veterans was the group that was resourceful enough to know about Kerry's
false antics during Vietnam although they never actually were with him at any point
during the war. They even seem to know better than any person that actually was on
the same boat as Kerry!. Well Swift Boat has done it again with this exclusive
information.
It seems Hitler never actually died during World War II. He's just been riding low for a while until now, posing as John Kerry, hoping to take over America. Kind of like how the Changelings of the Dominion posed as the leader of the Klingon empire to start a war with the Federation in order to weaken both sides before their own invasion. Of course this Klingon-Federation war won't happen for a few hundred years, but I believe it's going to happen. The source seems just as good as telling stories as Swift Boat.
What proof do they have that Kerry is Hitler you ask? Well what about that picture on the right? Also one member of Swift boat, late one night after doing some coke, said he saw John Kerry in a 7-Eleven parking lot spray painting Nazi Symbols on Trolls. Another member is also quick to point out that we've never seen Hitler and Kerry in the same place. A point made even scarier when I realized that I've never seen myself and Tony Danza in the same place at the same time, which kept me up all night wondering. Well that kept me up as well as the Fire Alarm that kept chirping because it was low on batteries. Oh yeah, and the fact that I ate 52 marshmallow Peeps left over from Easter. My stool was yellow!
Thank god for these third party campaigning places such as Moveon.org and Swift Boat. There just wasn't enough mud slinging before Campaign Finance Reform.
Labels: 7-eleven, adolf hittler, john kerry, moveon.org, peeps, swift boat
¶ 5:06:00 PM 0 Comments
Mary Kate Olson, who had been placed in a eating disorder clinic last month, has been
declared 100% cured.Reporters waited outside on the hospital steps hoping to get a glimpse of the twin for the first time since her submission to the clinic. They were not disappointed. In fact they caught more than just a glimpse.
Mary Kate has fully returned to her natural 536 lb weight. Reporters scrambled to change over to wide angle lenses before it was too late, but were given ample time to do so when Ashley struggled to get her sister to fit inside the U-Haul they had rented to take her home in.
The appearance although short, has already started a trend with the easily brainwashed pre-teen and teen population who reportedly have been piling into Jack in th Boxes and Sambos across the nation eating the fattiest food on the menu in hoped of looking like their one of their idols. Unfortunately they are still trying to be like Britney and are wearing their prostitot gear. Low rise pants, G-strings, and 300lbs of body fat just doesn't mix.
Reporters asked for a comment from the now Roseanne shaped Olson twin. Just when she opened her mouth as if to deliver she just burped instead, causing a chicken leg to dislodge from her between her front teeth and land on her shirt.
Google searching for the "Olson Twins Nude" has gone done dramatically. But fortunately Lindsay Lohen and Hillary Duff are still high on the list giving mentally challenged men everywhere still the chance to have wet dreams about teenage girls.
The twins are planning on working on another movie soon. Rumors have it's a Marlon Brando bio pic, with Ashley playing Brando in his early years, and Marry Kate in his later.
Labels: 536, eating disorders, olsen twins
¶ 5:09:00 PM 0 Comments
A couple of months ago some hoped that John would choose John as his running mate.
But today John named John as his running mate for the 2004 election."Together, I and John will take America Back," John told reporters including Jon of the daily show and me, Jon of cheesegod.com.
John had discussed with John about being his running mate, but unfortunately John did not support John. So instead, after placing a phone call to John last night, John chose John as his running mate,"
But the White house is already firing back.
"John is John's second choice. He wanted John. But John turned John down. Now John is stuck with John," a non-John spokesperson told me, Jon.
When John was asked how he was going to get to his first appearance with John since naming the John & John ticket, John said, "Well, It's like John sang, 'I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane'"
"Now, I would love to talk about John more," John told us, "But I need to use the John."
John and John of They Might Be Giants had no comment.
Labels: 2004 election, john edwards, john kerry, john mccain, they might be giants
¶ 5:12:00 PM 0 Comments
After asking if he'd been tortured in prison:
Are you kidding? Of course I have! You think I wanted to grow this beard? The Americans forced me to!
You don't understand; I could of had class; I could of been a contender; I could of been somebody; instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it.
In a sudden outburst:
Holy sh*t! I just figured it out! This war was all about the oil!
Showing aggression towards officials questioning him:
You see what I'm doing? I'm pretending my fingers are guns and I'm shooting you! Scared?
Again on prison torture:
I offered to be led around naked on a leash. That would of been nice. That Lynndie England chick is hot.
I will confess to these crimes.... if you can snatch this pen from my hand.
George W. Bush is retaliating against Michael Moore after years of silence. He's fighting fire with fire by releasing his own movie as revealed in a White House press conference. "The president has been working non-stop for the last couple of days on this movie," Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters.
"Last couple of days?" questioned one reporter, "Shouldn't he be working on finding a solution to all these bombs and deaths in Iraq?"
"The president is working because he feels it's important for the country," McClellan responded.
"But isn't there more important things to work on," asked another reporter, "Like the job economy, homeland defense, or even his presidential campaign?"
"The president feels this movie is important, and that is why he is working on it."
It went on like that for an hour or two... I don't know... I got bored and left to use the bathroom and when I returned everyone had mysteriously vanished. Although after a couple of minutes I realized I returned to the wrong room on accident and the press conference was still going on in the correct room. But this new room had one of those old 'Magic Eye' pictures in it and that kept me busy until my mom came to pick me up.
So far Bush's film consists of crude drawings of Michael Moore by the president himself, most featuring stink lines, and the music video for "We built this City (on Rock N' Roll) because Bush think it's a "bitchin'" song.
He had also found footage of Moore eating out of a trash can, but it has been revealed to just be a partially shaved bear wearing a baseball cap.
Labels: george bush, jefferson airplane, michael moore, scott mcclellan
¶ 5:18:00 PM 0 Comments
After years of trying to get a grip on those huge overweight Coke cans a relief
is finally in sight! Coke is introducing the 5oz coke can!By reducing the size of their current coke size from 12 ounces by 58% the can is much lighter and easier to hold.
"I was always having a hard time holding the current size can," Coke paid exsignifiacant MLB player Cal Ripken Jr. to tell us, "I could never drink from them because I feared I would strain the fingers on my throwing hand and have to sit out a game. If we had these new cans while I played I could have gone another 2000 games."
The best part is that Coke was able to lower the size without changing the price. Scientists had to work around the clock to figure out how to succeed with such a feet, but in the end were able to pull it out.
The new Coke cans should be on store shelves by the end of the month right between the 1.5 liter Coke bottles and the same priced, but larger sized, Pepsi items.
Labels: baseball, cal ripken jr, coke, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:35:00 AM 0 Comments
With the death of former 'butt of jokes' Ronald Reagan, many across the nation are saddened. Jodie Foster isn't one of them. She's impressed."I am so impressed," Foster said to someone, I guess.
With this news John Hinckley has been released from the psychiatric hospital he was being held.
"I guess he really was trying to impress Jodie Foster. He was sane the whole time," a doctor told us.
Hinckley is said to be doing well on his own. His first act as a free man was to purchase 32 copies of 'Catcher On The Rye' and was last seen giving free back massages to Fire Hydrants.
"Do you think Tony Danza would be impressed if I bit George W.?" Hinckley asked us as we were trying to casually walk by without being noticed.
Meanwhile Reagan's corpse is taking a nation wide tour. He is currently on display in LA and will be stopping at about a dozen more venues including a pair of sold out shows at Irving Plaza in NYC.
Copies of Star Wars on VHS have also gone up in value.
Labels: george bush, jodie foster, john hinckley, ronald reagan, star wars, tony danza
¶ 8:40:00 AM 0 Comments
Be forewarned the following images are graphic, viewer discretion is advised.
Prisoners are forced to listen to a William Hung performance.
Prisoner forced to bathe stupid American children.
Prisoners are must wait in long line at post office.
Prisoner has to perform YMCA dance.
Labels: iraq, post office, torture, wiliam hung, ymca
¶ 8:39:00 AM 0 Comments
Comedian Dave Chappelle received a standing ovation yesterday after reaching a career milestoneAfter featuring a joke about eating at KFC on his show it was announced to the audience it was Chappelle's 50,000th Self-Deprecating Black joke. This places his second on the all time list to only to Chris Rock.
“I feel honored to reach this mark,” Chapelle told us between skits about Lil' Johns speech habits, “I finally have something to show for all my hard work.”
Chappelle still has a long way to go to catch Chris Rock, although according to the Elias Sports burrow, Chappelle is the sole owner of the record for most jokes about a crack addict by a right handed black man weighing less than 150lbs named Dave with a show on Cable TV.
Comedy Central is planning another clip show (the 32nd out of the 41 episodes made) to celebrate this feat.
Labels: chris rock, comedy central, dave chappelle, kfc
¶ 8:44:00 AM 0 Comments
Boston Rob has begun ringing door bells to gain support to win the next million
dollar prize on reality show Survivor.In the major twist, that turned out be more of a slight turn, on Survivor viewers are going to be able to award a million dollars to the player of their choice. Unable to influence the vote as easily as the sheep he played with on the show he has taken to the streets to convince the American public.
"I knock on each persons door and convince them to form an alliance with me." Boston Rob told us from under that stupid baseball cap, "I tell them that if they're ever on Survivor and they have another one of these poll thingies I'll vote for them."
Rob then looked around to make sure no one was looking and then leaned in and told us, "Of course I might not vote for them, that's all up to me."
The grassroots campaign seems to be working to a certain extent, an online poll shows Rob's support has grown from 3% to 4%.
Rob's marathon had a set back when the show's main winner and now his finance had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for her badly scraped knees. It seems Amber was dragged along too many streets while clinging to Rob while he was on his campaign.
Survivor, which was renamed the Boston Rob Show about half way through this season, has never before given viewers the choice of who should win a prize. All cast members now have to plea their cases to the public for the first time.
"I believe I'm going to win this money. After winning $100,000, finding the love of my life, her winning $1,000,000, both of us winning cars, who deserves it more."
So far, the only thing known for sure, Yankee fans have yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.
Labels: red sox, survivor, yankess
¶ 8:46:00 AM 0 Comments
The State school board decision to rid the cafeteria of the deadly toxin bread seems to paying off. "Finally our children are safe from those nasty carbs," Nina Zeplin told us before she fainted from malnourishment, "Our children have the right to grow up slim."
Bay Ave. Elementary hasn't served any food containing carbohydrates for three weeks now and already the difference is apparent.
"I've never had so many sick children in my office before," school nurse Maria Halen told us, "but at least they're not as fat."
Although critics argue that forcing all kids to go the Atkins diet is not only unconstitutional but also unhealthy the school staff is fast to say otherwise. Just ask Coach John Rose.
"Oh yeah. The kids move very slow, if at all, during gym class now. But what the f*ck do I care? At least they're easier to keep track of. They all play like a bunch of sissies anyway."
Test grades have fallen. Sickness has risen, but we all have to agree on one thing:
Damn that school now has some fine looking children.
¶ 12:01:00 PM 0 Comments
The worse Gameboy related accident yet happened earlier this week at Poky Oats
Elementary School in Hartford, CT. A Pokemon game gone wrong resulted in the
death of five children, one teacher, a custodian, and a Michael Jackson
sympathizer."It was horrible," said Timmy O' Toole, age 6, a witness to the event, "There was blood everywhere. I got a stain on my shirt. My mom threw it away. It was my favorite shirt, the one with cookie monster.... don't tell her, but I took it back out of the trash when she wasn't looking. I sleep with it under the covers."
Another incident, another lawsuit. Nintendo yawned it off, giving us the usual response.
"It's a travesty and we here at Nintendo Of America express our condolences," A Nintendo Spokesperson told us, "We always have expressed safety precautions while playing with your GameBoy. A three foot distance between players and protective suits, available for purchase through the official Nintendo website, should always be utilized."
Witnesses all told of how awful the site was. Thirty three children have been taken to mental hospitals for extended psychiatric help.
"We just hope to have our daughter back by the end of the year," a parent of one of the children in the psychiatric hospital who wished to remain anonymous told us... oh, what the hell, his name was John Lindermen.
The child whose Gameboy caused the ruckus, and survivor of the event, is also saddened by the massacre.
"I can't believe it. The cops took my gameboy for evidence. How am I suppose to catch the last Pokemon, Curdle, now? I'm going try to get my mom to buy me one of those new green ones. They're cool, they're just like the other Gameboy but it's... green!
Nintendo Gameboy Advance sales have not been hurt by this last event, in fact sales have slightly risen since this the event.
Labels: death, Gameboy, john linderman, nintendo, video games
¶ 12:02:00 PM 0 Comments
The new FCC regulations went into affect yesterday, providing each TV station a list of words that can not be said over the air. Unfortunately two of those words are the presidents and vice presidents last and first names respectively.Both George W.'s last name and Mr. Cheney's first name have been ruled too dirty to say on TV. News reporters are becoming increasingly confused on how to handle the situation. To get around the restrictions new reporters and started referring to the duo as George W. LadyArea and ManStem Cheney.
These latest FCC regulations of course have all emerged from the Janet Jackson debacle, which despite her best efforts have not helped her record sales. It hasn't helped the fact that her music sucks too.
Labels: dick cheney, fcc, fox, george bush
¶ 12:05:00 PM 0 Comments
People in lines formed around Mann's Chinese Theater in California are beginning
to get very excited. They've been waiting for months for what may be the biggest
movie of the year to open. Every person in the area only one thing on their
mind, we are just days away from the opening of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The
Movie.Brian Burden, age 21, traveled all the way from Long Island, NY for the premiere Thursday 12:01.
"Some people back home thought I was crazy. They just don't get it. Millionaire is a way of life. I was just talking about it to my friend PhilbinPhan32.. that's his screen name, I don't know his real name..."
Burden told us he only has left the line twice during the last 6 weeks. Once to pick up Final Fantasy Online and the other time to get the new line of Millionaire Action Figures.
"I got all the cool ones. I got the "Excited Regis" figure, here's the "Sitting Regis" figure... I even bought the optional "Hot Seat" for him to sit in, not that I ever will take him out of his package so he can actually sit on it. I feel bad for him sometimes, it can't be fun for him to spend his life inside that plastic packing, but I'm sure it's better for him inside there that in the real world."
He must of noticed by the look on my face that I thought he was a freakin' weirdo and he quickly changed the subject. Unfortunately the new subject wasn't much better.
"I'm actually really jealous of PhilbinPhan32, he got the rare "Pantsless Regis" figure," Burden told us.
Apparently there was a few action figures that had accidentally had the pants painted flesh color, giving the illusion that Regis was not wearing pants.
"PhilbinPhan32 outbid me on eBay for it. I bid $318 for it, but he swiped me at the last second."
With or without his perverted toy, Burden will is able to comfort himself in knowing that he will be one of the first to see the movie. And in the end isn't that what life is really all about?
Labels: game shows, regis philbman, who wants to be a millionaire
¶ 1:07:00 PM 0 Comments
Less than months away, Eminem is ready for the release of his next album. Only problem is he has no title for it.Eminem's last three multi-platinum albums were titled the Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP, and finally The Eminem Show. Every album has used another name he answer to. But after three, Eminem may have finally ran out of names to use. Does this mean Eminem will actually have to think of a title.
After thinking about it for a few months with no result, Eminem has started to ask family and friends for help. His mother has suggested the "Bitch Ass Son LP." and his good friends on alt.music.heavy-metal suggested the "Slim Anus Album," showing a lack of originality. His daughter Hailey suggested the "Daddy says bad words Album." But none of these have satisfied Eminem.
Eminem has thought about mixing names to create a mixture of names, like "Slim Mathers LP," or the "Shadymen EP." But Mathers has finally decided he just needs another nickname. Expect to see Eminem calling himself by the new moniker of "White Chocolate" in upcoming interviews.
Labels: eminem
¶ 10:50:00 AM 0 Comments
Health advocates applauded McDonald's decision to remove their "Super Size" items from the menu. But they might be turning their grins upside down when they hear the news of what McDonalds has up it's sleeves."The supersize never sold well," Pimply teenage McDonalds's employee Joe Orsulak told us, "Some say it was too much food, but we think it's the opposite. That's why we're introducing the MegaSize."
McDonalds may have done away with it's 44oz Cola, but it's replacement will be 3 gallons. And the fries... don't ask about the fries.
You may think this news is great, being that you are most likely a obese gross person.* But what about the health issues.
"I eat McDonald's everyday, I get free meals as one of my benefits, the other one is the free uniform, and I notice no bad effects," Orsulak told us as he wiped the gooze coming out of a recently popped pimple from his fat face.
Plus, theirs more good news for health conscious McDonald's fans. The carb content in the fries has been cut by two! So even though it's overflowing with grease and high in fat it's Atkins safe.
McDonalds's expects to introduce these new sizes as soon as they get their purchase orders approved for the industrial strength toilets they'll need.
*Our studies show that most of the visitors to the site our gross obese people accidentally misspelling the web address cheesegood.com
Labels: atkins, joe orsulak, mcdonalds
¶ 10:56:00 AM 0 Comments
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Labels: yankees
¶ 10:59:00 AM 0 Comments
At Macfest 2004, the biweekly Apple show-off fest, the greatest portable gadget ever made since the iPod was introduced."People have been waiting for years for such a gadget," some Mac geek in attendance told us, "at long last we can toast bread on the go."
Yep, that's right folks! The iToaster is here.
"Just as you once could only listen to your mp3s at your house, you can only currenlty toast at your house," Steve Jobs told a crowd of adoring nerds, "Now we have taken a step forward and brought the world the first portable toaster."
The iToaster is expected to retail for about $300 and debut on the Apple website this spring. The iToaster mini is expected to debut later on. It only can toast a single slice at a time but will cost about $50 cheaper. And it will come in different colors. How cool is that? Huh.... well? ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT....
Labels: apple, steve jobs, toast
¶ 11:00:00 AM 0 Comments
Mel Gibson finally apologized about the contents of his movie, "The Passion of The Christ," on Wednesday. It seems in between all the extreme, brutal, graphic scenes of Jesus getting the crap beet out of him, his privates accidentally became public."At no time did I mean to portray Jesus is this fashion," Gibson told us from a church where he was peddling his movie, "As always in the catholic church, it should be all violence and no nudity."
Parents expressed complaints after viewing the film, saying they had to quickly cover their child's eyes when the nudity appeared without warning after a more appropriate scene of Jesus having the flesh ripped off his back.
"I don't see why I should have to explain to my daughter what 'that thing' is," a concerned mother told as while leaving a theater showing the film, "The movie was beautiful otherwise, especially the detail of realistic bone breaking when they nailed him to the cross. Just beautiful."
It seemed children were traumatized by the event, as one teenage boy told us.
"That movie was awesome. I liked the part where the guy tore his arm out of his socket so they could nail it to that big 'T' easier," he told us, "But that nudity was disgusting. They should of had some naked chicks, that's be awesome. It also should of been in English. Reading sucks."
Gibson said that the DVD would have an option to watch it without the offending scene. He said the DVD would also contain an extra two hours of scenes including Jesus getting pine cones stuck up his bottom, which was cut due to time constraint. It will also come in a keep-sake trapper case.
Labels: dvd, jesus, mel gibson, passion of the christ
¶ 11:02:00 AM 0 Comments
Yankee fans were hiding their heads and placing their jerseys in the closet with shame, as Mets fans often do, yesterday. It seems anyone associated with the Yankees in any way were deeply ashamed to admit so after the events of the last few days.Everyone in the Yankee organization were celebrating just a few days ago when a trade with the Texas Rangers was successfully negotiated for "A Rod." Unfortunately miscommunication occurred somewhere along the line and the team wound up getting an actual rod, instead of Alex Rodriguez, who goes by a similar nickname.
The Yankees have no choice to face the facts now that they traded away a good player, a potentially good player, and are going to waste a whole lot of of money on a rod that analysts are predicting to bat only .000 this year.
"Uh, oops," said Yankee personnel Cashman, "I knew I should of read the agreement over before we signed it. I was just so giddy! I couldn't contain myself."
Steinbrenner, who experienced 3 heart-attacks after learning of the news (only two were because of the A-Rod fiasco, the other was because he has an extra large bowl of chili for breakfast that day) immediately demanded that his slew of henchman quickly negotiate another deal.
Mets and Red Sox fans celebrated, something they often don't get to do, over the predicament. As the celebration ensued Yankee fans defended themselves the usual way by asking over and over what team won the most World Series ever. Met fans would respond by saying that they at least still have 1986, and then Boston fans would just break down, cry, shake their fists at the sky yelling, "Damn You, Bill Buckner!"
Celebrating was cut short soon because the Yankees and their endless supply of money and hitman were soon able acquire the real Alex Rodriguez and paraded him in front of the media much like they did when signed King Kong back in the '30s. That acquisition of course went sour when Kong broke loose and climbed the Empire State Building, in the first act of terrorism that lead to the false justification for World War II. This lead to the Yankees having to quickly fill in the hole in their line up with Babe Ruth. But I must stop with this story now, as I'm sure I'm causing more Red Sox fans to cry.
Labels: alex rodriguez, brian cashman, george steinbreener, king kong, red sox, yankees
¶ 11:05:00 AM 0 Comments
Florida Democratic voters were confused once again as they mixed up the top new stories and chose Janet Jackson's Boob to oppose Bush in November's election.Old confused seniors and the stupid alike goofed at the voting polls, proving florida still can't get anything right... except Tropicola Orange Juice, a fresh start to a fresh day. Yes, nothing beets a tall glass of Tropicola OJ, proud sponsor of cheesegod.com.
\ Although Janet Jackson nor her breast were running, the people became so confused by Jackson sharing headlines with Democratic hopefuls they naturally became confused and couldn't tell the difference.
Officials were stunned this could happened. After the major boo-boo four years ago they thought they had gotten everything set up to go right this time. Confusing butterfly ballets were replaced with tiny little switches in a secluded booth.
"Everything seemed like it would go better this time," one official told us, "The only negative events were foresaw was the some seniors confusing the booth as a port-a-toliet. But that only happened twice."
Citizens have felt embarrassed since the debacle, but some reassurance from former President Clinton on Thursday when he endorsed the body part.
"Finally," Clinton told the American public, "a reason for me to pay attention to politics."
Labels: 2004 election, janet jackson, orange juice
¶ 11:09:00 AM 0 Comments
Microsoft announced Tuesday that it was unleashing an update to fix 536 more flaws found in
Windows.In an effort to fight viruses, worm, trojans, spyware, and Yahoo's march to take over the world, Microsoft unleashed 536 more patches totaling 312 gigs. The patch will take only about 3 days to download.
"Our Operating System is stronger than ever," Bill Gates told the American people from his special Microsoft made car, riding and waving to the public while delivering these words, "The more we are hit, the stronger we are."
Bill Gates offering up these encouraging words to no doubt rev up his troops in war against alternative Operating Systems.
"These other Operating Systems, Linux, Panther, BSD.. they might not be attacked by Viruses, but this because they already are of such less quality that they probably can't even run a virus," Bill Gates pleaded with the crowd, "We all know nothing good is free. So why get Linux, when you can spend you're hard earned money on Windows XP.
At this point the speech was delayed when his special Microsoft Car stopped running for no particular reason and had to be restarted.
Once the car started going again Gates finished up, "Remember folks, When you install Linux, the terrorists win!"
Bill Gates then jumped out of his car just seconds before it crashed into a wall. The car malfunction was blamed on a flaw left open that let a hacker take control.
Labels: 536, bill gates, yahoo
¶ 11:11:00 AM 0 Comments
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The white house released information today proudly stating that it
finally located Dick Cheney. Cheney, who's been missing for a long
portion of the Bush presidency, was found living in a hole in order to hide from the
press. Upon discovery the vice president said, "My name is Dick Cheney. I am the Vice President of the United States. I'd like to negotiate." He was found with his trademark suitcase of money, which he carries in case an emergency bribe has to be made to get a contract for Haliburton. The location of Cheney has been rumored or thought to be many different places over the last couple of years. The most thought of was to be that he lived a double life as Joe Leiberman, the outcast of the Democratic primary (Al Sharpton doesn't count, as usual). The capture has proved to mean little however, as Dick Cheney was found of Fox News. They congratulated him on a job well done and went on the report that he wasn't living in the hole but rather was helping his employees dig for oil.
According to experts on the Dick Cheney has since moved from the hole and his current location is unknown. But a good guess would be somewhere convincing someone Saddam Hussein was the one who made the mydoom virus. By the way, I went through this whole article without making a "Dick" in a hole joke, because I'm a classy guy. |
 Wipe that sly look off your face, Dick. |
Labels: al sharpton, dick cheney, fox, iraq, joe leiberman, saddam hussein
¶ 1:03:00 PM 0 Comments
Weapons of Mass Destruction Found On Ebay
The search is over! After weeks of grilling Saddam Hussein, he has finally unveiled where he has put the weapons of mass destruction. eBay!
Pentagon official celebrated as they entered the words "weapons of mass destruction" into the ebay search box and did indeed come up with the desired result.
"It was right there the whole time," Donald Rumsfeild told us, "I had my 11 year old nephew do up a search and it was right there. Between postings for a "President Bush is the weapon of Mass Destruction" bumper sticker and a gay porno video called "Weapons of Mass Intrusion."
Asked if the white house planned on bidding on the item, Rumsfeild responded no. Apparently the White House's Paypal budget has already been spent for the year by Bush on a Alf sock puppet.
Mr. Rumsfeild told us not worry though because the current high bidder in some guy named "Al Keida" and that once he wins the item America will just bomb his house and "free" the people that reside within.
Related stories:
Experts suspect latest Hussein tape may not be real
Hussein Responsible for deaths of Tupac and Biggie
Osama depressed
101 Uses for the Harry Potter Book
They Call Me Your Mom
Labels: Donald Rumsfeild, eBay, george bush, iraq, islanders, saddam hussein
¶ 1:07:00 PM 0 Comments
We at first we were shocked, then realized we didn't care, then we sat around for a while quoting Family Guy episodes (Heh, Heh "What do you want me to do? Whack off a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy?"). Then after getting tired off that, which didn't take too long, we realized we hadn't updated the website in a while, so we called a couple of our connections to Britney Spears and managed to uncover this photo:
In this cheesegod.com exclusive photo we see without a doubt that this marriage is real. After Justin Timberlake and now with Jason Alexander we see that Britney has some kind of annoying loser fetish. Something that will make many of her fans happy, which according to a recent Wall Street Journal poll 80% of the people who buy her record are annoying losers (the other 20% buy them as joke presents for their friends).
So can the future hold for these two? Wacky sitcoms? Perhaps a Sony and Cher type show? Let's sure hope not.
Labels: britney spears, family guy, jason alexander, justin timberlake
¶ 1:09:00 PM 0 Comments
Bush Accidentally Visits Iraq for ThanksgivingThe nation was stunned upon learning the news that supposed Bush visited Iraq on Thanksgiving. But Bush admitted yesterday to friends that he was actually trying to travel to Turkey, in search of a thanksgiving dinner, and arrived on accident Iraq due to using "an old map.". These friends, who I suppose aren't very good friends since they leaked this information, also told us that Bush was very scared when he learned he had arrived in Iraq because that was where the "boogeyman" his dad had told him about when he was a kid (or at least 35 years old) lived. Bush gathered up his courage by putting on his army jumpsuit and pretending he was one of those brave men he had seen on Hogan's Heroes. Bush was initially disappointed thinking he would only be able to eat beef jerkey, microwave burritos, and slurpees because "that's all those Hindu people sell". Bush was finally able to settle in once he found out there was some turkey, although he was somewhat disappointed there wasn't any of those cool 7 -Eleven Big Bite Bacon Cheeseburger logs available. Our sources told us Bush left happy with his souvenir "I Visited Iraq and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt" T-Shirt and, proving the proclamation on the shirt was false, a Iraqi snow globe. Bush spent most of his time on the trip back home working on his letter to Santa Clause and playing Battlefield 1942 while wishing a loud that "this war was as cool as the one in my video game." In case you're wondering why this story has just been posted almost a month after this would of been actually topical... bite me. |
 The turkey with a fake turkey |
Labels: george bush, iraq, santa claus, thankgiving, Turkey
¶ 1:12:00 PM 0 Comments
A tragic tragedy became even more tragic when the tragic fire that has overwhelmed the tragic state of California melted the tragic musician Michael Jackson... King of Tragedy.
Over 1,100 houses have become victim to the fire that rages through California, showing that even Mother Nature wants to punish those who voted for Arnold Swartzenegger. The governor elect had his skin burned away as well, exposing his mechanical skeleton. The so-called actor went on a tirade in a factory before getting his arm stuck in a vending machine, trying to score a free coke. The Coke machine fell on top of him, terminating the terminator. Microsoft was able to salvage some of the terminator's mechanical body and is planning on studying the technology to build a better MP3 player... THAT WILL RISE UP AGAINST MAN!
But the biggest tragedy, and returning the actual purpose of this article... I always do that, I'm typing up this article, get sidetracked and start typing up something that has to do with nothing, I mean c'mon if you consider the arguments held in front of us by greats such as Felipe Alou and Tony Danza we'd all see... um, anyway, as I was saying... The greatest tragedy is the loss of Michael Jackson. Known for his hits in the 80s, his child raping in the 90s, and his ability to freak us out in the 00s, Michael Jackson has always been on the front page of the tabloids and in the back of our hearts.
Jackson was caught in one fire while trying to rescue his My Buddy doll from aburning building. He tried to fend off the fire with his umbrella to avail (Yes! Avail! Get it! Cause he wears a veil in public! Ha! How do I do it?).
The top plastic surgeons and Play-Doe experts are currently working hard on Michael Jackson, trying to rebuild his face.
We'll have more on this story as it happens... actually we won't, but it sounds good.
Labels: Arnold Swartzenegger, california, Michael jackson, my buddy
¶ 6:02:00 PM 0 Comments
Well, Napster is back! Kind of. We all use to love Napster. Who could forget downloading our favorite Metallica tunes, not because we actually liked the band, but because it was fun to piss them off.The new Napster service is just like the old... except it looks different... and is costs money now... and it doesn't have an endless selection of songs.
Users will now be expected to pay as much as $1 per download. Each song will be guaranteed top quality with excellent download speeds.
But what about all that stuff the new Napster can't give us? Like those never finished, half downloaded songs. Or those songs that were mislabeled, so instead of downloading what you thought was the new Dave Mathews song turned out to be Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice. What about all those computer Viruses found on other services like Kazza and Morpheous? Not to mention the spyware! And what about the porno? Dear god, won't someone please think of the porno!
Well there's no need to run in the corner in cry! Because crying over something like that would be stupid. But also, because Cheesegod.com is pleased to announce Crapster, the crappy alternative to Napster.
With Crapster we guarantee a wide assortment of viruses. Ones Norton hasn't even heard of! Plenty of Spyware, so those spammers will always have access to you! And don't forget the porno! Everything on crapster that's not a virus, will be porno! We will also randomly kick users off the server so you'll never be able to finish downloading that huge file.
Crapster will be cheap at the low price of $9.94 per month, or 99 cents for a la carte downloading. So sign up mow, before it signs up for you!
¶ 6:06:00 PM 0 Comments
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Hollywood morned the death of yet another celebrity as beloved actor Alf died earlier today after choking on a cat. Alf is best remembered playing an alien on the 80s sitcom sharing his name. Popularity of the sitcom soared, but Alf's uncontrolled addiction to Garbage Pail Kids caused him to take an early exit after just 4 seasons. The show was retooled with Henry Winkler taking over as the lead, but failed to retain viewers. After cleaning up and going straight in the '90s Alf still had a hard time finding work. He went on to star in a series of porno movies with moderate success. Finaly, after no longer being able to get work even in adult films, Alf sunk to his lowest, starring in series of long distance telephone commercials with fellow loser Mike Piazza. Alf's, whose full name was Alfred Slovanowich, death has not been ruled as a suicide as many suspected or hoped. Now that he's dead, The Hallmark channel announced it will begin showing ALF now twice a day since it no longer has to pay royalties. There will be a small funeral at the McDonalds on 5th and 42nd st. in NYC followed by the flushing of ALF down a toliet. |
 Alf, dead! |
Labels: alf, garbage pail kids, henry winkler, mcdonalds
¶ 6:12:00 PM 0 Comments
Cheesegod.com has learned that International Terrorist Osama Bin Laden has been diagnosed with depression."Nobody wants to pay any attention to him anymore," Bin Laden's psychiatrist told us. "Everything is Hussein this and Hussein that. Sure Hussein killed and gassed a few people here and there, but that's nothing compared to Osama."
Neighbors have told us he barely ever leaves his cave anymore. He just hangs out all day in his robe and slippers on. Sounds of his sobbing often echoes from within.
"He always yelling, 'Who's building do you have to fly a plane into to get some attention around here!,'" one neighbor told us as she walked her poodle.
Reports indicate that Osama was especially upset when he heard that Bush want to spend an additional 87 billion dollars in Iraq, more than twice that being spent on homeland security.
"That money should be used to stop me, not Saddam. First he gets the credit for 9/11, now this," Osama has been known to cry out while sleeping.
"He just want attention," his psychiatrist told us in addition to what we already quoted him on above, "He's not such a bad guy. He just does bad things so people will pay attention to him. He's lonely. Poor guy."
¶ 6:15:00 PM 0 Comments
In a year that saw Pepsi and Coke introduce 82 new soda flavors, including Vanilla Coke, Live Wire Mountain Dew, Toothpaste flavor Dr. Pepper, Cookies and Onion Pepsi, nothing has changed. Coke is still number one, Pepsi number two. Pepsi, sick of being second instead of one, decided they had little choice but to introduce the inevitable:
Coke flavored Pepsi
The new soda, which will only currently be released on a limited basis during the fall to stores with employees named frank, is Pepsi's latest desperate move to overthrow the Coke kingdom.
The soda, named Pepsi: Coke, is advertised as "The Coke flavored soda for a new generation." It is already being advertised on Spike TV and during repeats of Friends. The ads feature a group of dinosaurs drinking coke, who are destroyed by a giant meteor with the Pepsi logo on it when it lands on top of them.
This is just the latest Pepsi knockoff of a coke product. Wild cherry Pepsi came from Cherry Coke, Pepsi Vanilla came from Vanilla Coke, Sierra Mist came from 7-UP, Crystal Pepsi came from Urine found behind a building.
Experts agree however that this new Pepsi: Coke will do little to help sales. "People don't buy Coke because they like it's taste, that would be stupid," Tip Danzig, Professor of Soda related Studies at Suffolk Community college told us in a lesbian chatroom, "they buy it cause it has a red label... and it has Santa on it during Christmas time. And how can you turn down Santa?"
There was also plans to release a Tab flavored Pepsi, but that was decided to be "just dumb."
¶ 6:20:00 PM 0 Comments
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X106 gloated about playing the song "Magic Stick" for the fifteenth hundred time on Saturday. "We're really happy to announce the record playing of this record" DJ Wacky Jacky told us as he hit an applause button on his sound effects board "No record has been played this much since the Titanic song. We still play that song sometimes on "Freaky Friday Festival of Fun" except we add these hilarious sounds of ocean liners hitting things and people screaming, it's great!" X106 is a local all hits station that prides itself on playing the top 5 hit songs on the Billboard charts, and actually cheated to get the record. The song was accidentally played for five hours straight on Thursday night, Midnight Mike fell asleep while on his shift and left the CD on repeat, nobody noticed any difference though. "Magic Stick" has begun taking it's place in popular culture. Derek Jeater now has the song play when he comes to bat at Yankee Stadium. Legendary porn star Ron Jeremy does something similar, we understand. "We like to play the life out of songs. Everybody used to like "Livin La Vida Loca" we sure took care of that," whatever stupid DJ mentioned before told us "We just have to wait until the next big song hits to kill it. We can't play "Magic Stick" forever, it'll just seem like it." |
Is this what they mean by magic stick? I'm so out of the loop. Help me! |
Labels: msn music, radiohead, yankees
¶ 6:26:00 PM 0 Comments
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Pending approval, the Republican party will soon merge with AOL Time Warner. AOL Time Warner, the industry giant responsible for such crap as CNN, TBS, Time Magazine, a book series about UFO's, and pioneers of making people pay twenty-five dollars to look at advertisements (aka AOL), has bought out most of the republican party to become the primary (ha ha... primary, get it? It's a pun... just not a very good one.) shareholder and help me create this very long run on sentence. "We here at AOL are very happy to have made this acquisition," an operator told us, after being on hold for two hours, during which we had to listen to that damn "Hey DJ" song twenty times with a couple of "Magic Sticks" thrown in for good will. "My supervisor told me that if I upgraded enough people to AOL for Broadband, they'd make me Governor of New Mexico." According to AOL's website, at least the parts we could read that weren't covered up by AOL's "special offers", they hope to use the republican party to help pass anti-spam laws, so only AOL themselves will be able to jam ads down their customers throats. "It's an exciting day for all of us here at AOL, we are so..." Is what a voice clip of AOL spokesperson Randall was saying before we got disconnected from the service. We'll have more on this, as soon as we manage to get reconnected, or switch to a better service. |
 Remever when AOL came on a floppy? Ah, those were the days. |
Labels: aol, republican
¶ 6:23:00 PM 0 Comments
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For the second time is just weeks cheesegod.com had it's website plagiarized. This time on HBO. "Yes we've finally made the big time," Our own Lance Froman told me as I made him rotate the tires on my car, "we're just not having our material stolen by small time websites now, we're on premium TV." On a special starring Bill Maher called Victory Begins At Home that aired last Saturday Maher commented that, "the LAPD was on their way to Iraq to plant the weapons of mass destruction." This was an obvious referance to our LAPD story from just a week ago. "That's just stupid," Mr. Fish, also our own unfortunately, told us, "Bill Maher has been doing that show for months on Broadway before that show aired or you made you're stupid story. It's more likely you ripped him off!" To which I responded by slinking into the corner any crying to myself. More to come.... no, not really. I don't have anything else to say about this. Nope. Nothing else. Sorry if you're disappointed. Bye! |
 He's no doubt trying to think of a way to incorporate a character with a fish for a head into his show... |
Labels: bill maher, cheesegod.com
¶ 6:30:00 PM 0 Comments
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Early reports of a possible trade between the New York Mets and Taco Bell have not come to light. "We tried hard," interim general manager Jim Duquette told us, "but in the end enough of us in the office decided we just weren't in the mood for Mexican." The deal was rumored to bring two nacho cheese chalupas, a 7-layer burrito and possibly a Cheesey Gordida Crunch in exchange for pitcher Armando Benitez. Although details of the possible trade are still sketchy, our inside source has told us the deal fell through because of money. "The Mets wanted Taco Bell to pick up all of Benitez's Multi-million dollar salary for the rest of the year," a pimply teen at the drive-thru window told us, "Taco Bell was only willing to pay $5.15 an hour*." The news came as a disappointment for Met fans, who want the 2003 All Star gone at any price. The Mets organization is still trying to come up with ideas on how to get rid of Benitez and make Met fans happy. "We were thinking about a Benitez stoning day," Duquette told us, "We figured we'll just have him stand out there on the mound and everyone in the stands can throw stones at him." "Sometimes I with they would just throw stones at me," Benitez said afterwards, "It would hurt less than their hurtful jeers." Benitez than ran off crying into the showers where he was comforted by Mike Piazza, who has an injured groin... in case you're wondering. In the meantime the Mets organization will have to find somewhere else to get lunch. "I was thinking about Pizza," Duqette said, "you think Domino's would take Burnitz?" *In case Jim Dolan is reading this, $5.15 an hour is minimum wage. |
 Benitez shows off his Taco Bell hat
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Labels: baseball, mets, taco bell
¶ 6:37:00 PM 0 Comments
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The Pentagon has announced it is sending members of the LAPD to aid the troops in the search of the weapons of mass destruction. The LAPD was chosen due to their amazing ability to find weapons on already shot criminals. Even those who didn't seem to have any weapons on them at first. "These gentleman are amazing," said Pentagon official Felipe Alou, "I've worked with these guys in the past. There were times they'd shoot a suspect criminal who didn't look like they had a weapon. But sure enough the cop would walk over there and he'd somehow find a gun on the body. It was like magic." The group sent will be led by ex-infamous detective Mark Furmnan, who's bringing his special turban that covers his entire face and is pointy on the top. "It's going to be tough," Furman told anyone who'd listen, "There's a lot of non-whites there, so they can't be trusted... what? It's not like you didn't already know I was racist!
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 Support the troops... or I'll kill you! |
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Fox News has made the ultimate attempt to remain the number one network. They have offered every politician a chance to have... um... the Washington Monument spit shined. As anyone with an IQ high enough not to watch FOX NEWS knows, FOX NEWS had become the number one network by being the official propaganda station for the US government and for getting exclusive news stories that other networks wouldn't report because they had more journalistic integrity. But FOX wants to make sure they remain on their top post, and what better way than by working construction on the old Lincoln Log. While every congress member and senator we talked to refused to comment we did manage to hear some insight from Joe Orsulak, our anonymous inside source on hanging chads. "FOX NEWS's first taker was none other than Mr. Thurmand who got to become a stiff in one way before the other thanks to the aggressive style of Bill O'Reilly," Orsulak told us, "He showed them all his 'Dixie' party platform." It comes as no surprise to many that FOX has resorted to this, as they basically have been doing it to a lesser extent for years. Many in the news industry was unfazed when they heard Hillary Clinton got to smoke another man's cigar. It remain to be seen how any of this may affect the news industry, but in the mean time all 82 democratic presidential hopefuls have had the pleasure licking Bush, something none of them will likely do in next years election. |
Labels: fox, hillary clinton, joe orsulak
¶ 6:32:00 PM 0 Comments
If you were shocked to learn that some New York Times stories had been plagiarized, prepare to be shocked to a higher degree... or something. Every story in the paper is plagiarized.
In our exclusive cheesegod.com investigation we found numerous indications in each story that pointed to it being unoriginal.
We picked up a copy of today's New York Times at the local "Newstop," whose owners must either not now how to spell or couldn't afford to buy the extra 'S' for their sign, and right away we began to notice news being taken from other sources.
First we read an article about website rip-off Netflix had just successfully patented the DVD subscription service. But we already have heard this story. How? It was already told on both TechTV and Headline News the day before. The Times didn't write this story at all. Not in the least bit of originality.
Next we took a look at a story about President Bush visiting New York to raise money for his 2004 campaign. But this actually happened! Bush did come to New York. Bush did raise money!
These are just a couple of examples of the New York Times lack of originality. Every story in the paper was actually stuff that had already happened. These writers didn't come up with these ideas at all.
This may just be the tip of the ice burgh, and we all know how dangerous ice burghs can be. An ice burgh sunk the Titanic which ultimately led to the success of Celion Dion.
The only thing we found in the paper that wasn't plagiarized was the TV listings. But, ironically enough, it seems that every television station plagiarized the Times. We watched with amazement has every show the Times had written would be at a certain time, on a certain station actually came on at the exactly how the Times has said.
Perhaps the Times should follow the example of such fine news sources as the New York Post who actually does make up every one of their stories. Well all except the one about the 2-headed cat, that one actually happened. The Aquabats told me so....
It seems no one is safe from the curse of plagiarism though. Even cheesegod.com has been copied. Check out this website that not only stole our scoop on the untiippable coke machine, but actually just copied it word for word including those lovable grammatical errors:
Labels: ny post, ny times, techtv
¶ 9:58:00 AM 0 Comments
101 USES FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK
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So you purchased the latest installment of the Harry Potter series, but now you don't know what to do with it. Well here's a long list of things you can do to justify it's inflated price tag:
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Labels: harry potter
¶ 10:04:00 AM 0 Comments
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It used to be that all televisions had big picture tubes and were rounded in the front. Then, starting in the late '90s televisions became flat thanks to the miracle of plasma and Sony's made up unpronounceable "Wega." But now the folks at Sharp have a new television shape to take us to 2004: The concave TV. Like how televisions used to come out in the middle, concave tvs go in in the middle. "We figured flat tvs already look the picture look better by bringing the screen in a little, we could make it look much better by bringing it in all the way," Sharp spokesperson Tim Bogart told us. Sharp has even come up with a slogan to compete with Sony's "Flat out Better."... "Concave in Better." "We're still working on it..." the sharp guy told us. Sharp claims the televisions will have a more three-dimensional look because; the screen is actually three-dimensional. "Think about it. How can a TV that's flat be three-dimensional? That's just stupid. It's just the style that people buy it for." The TV wasn't functional at the press announcement because every prototype built so far has exploded. Sharp is planning memorial for the 536 people who have died so far developing the TV. However we were assured that the television would be really good because, "Sharp products come from Sharp minds." |
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FDA scientists were pleased to announce that they finished work on the "Food Sphere" yesterday. It's a follow-up to the "Food Pyramid" that cost about 536 million dollars to produce. "This is what you've been waiting for," some government scientist who probably makes to much announced, "At last we can help Americans eat healthier through the miracle of the sphere." Critics were fast to point out that the food sphere is nothing but the food pyramid with an extra side. "The extra side is important, it adds more pictures of the foods in each area," the same government guy as previously mentioned told us. Another change is a bottle of Pepsi added to the bottom area, which is reserved for foods that should be consumed the most. "We put that there after Pepsi agreed to help us fund future projects, such as a new graph indicating average amount of cookies eaten by pregnant women, by giving us a large sum of money. This money is important to us scientists so we can continue to research these projects, it's not like we just copy this stuff out of the latest issue of TIME." A round of sarcastic laughter followed this statement from the scientists. The food sphere also features an American flag on the top "to help fight terrorism." We also assured that it isn't French bread that appears in the "grains" section, but the tastier "Freedom Bread". |
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Yesterday the official color guardian of the United States spun his magical color wheel and announced that the nation was back up to Orange alert. A terrorist attack could be iminant. We could all die. Better go back out and get that duck tape. Osama is knocking on your door. This is everything we've been told, well not everything. We've also being told not to panic. To go out about our normal business. The Government tells us we should go about things as if the terror alert was never raised... SO WHY THE HELL DID THEY RAISE IT? At any rate, the military is taking precautions. By posting soldiers in important building they've ensured us that if terrorists attack any of these points a couple of army guys will die this time too. So far we haven't been told to buy any duct tape or plastic sheets, which is okay because all the idiots who bought it last time still have it. Of course all of us who didn't buy it last time are alright because we're not idiots who think clear plastic will save our lives. But it doesn't matter, because we've have far more to fear. Jim Carry's new movie opens this weekend. |
Labels: terrorists
¶ 10:10:00 AM 0 Comments
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If you live in New York City you have been through a lot lately. First smoking is banned from restaurants. Then the price of the pay toilets go up to $2.00... I mean the Subways. So it costs you more to get to work each day, but it doesn't matter because you've laid off. So you decide to walk down to the bar and drown your sorrows... sorry pal. Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced yesterday that drinking will no longer be permited in bars. "For the safety of the bartender we have decided to ban all alcohol consumption in bars," Bloomberg told a group of unemployed sanitation workers who were coming to pick up there last pay check. Bloomberg went on to explain how drinking in bars caused safety issues. "Well there's a chance when someone is drunk they'll vomit. And there are a lot of blood borne pathogens in vomit. In these days with SARS and all you can't be too safe," Bloomberg then boarded his private jet as he prepared to leave. While bar owners are concerned that sales might go down and force them to lose business, Bloomberg assured them that they'd still be able to serve drinks. Patrons, however, would have to walk out to the street to actually consume them. As Bloomberg's jet began to take off, it experienced engine trouble and caught on fire. Because all the fire fighters in the local firehouse had been laid off the fire wasn't put out for three hours. Bloomberg was badly burnt, but is okay now as he bought a new body from a desperate laid off cop who wasn't crooked enough to support himself through these tough times. |
Labels: alcohol, michael bloomberg, new york
¶ 10:14:00 AM 0 Comments
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George Bush announced yesterday that he gave The War on Iraq three thumbs up on TiVo, showing how much he loves the war. "Now that TiVo knows how good this war is, hopefully it will begin suggesting new countries to invade," Bush told reporters by speaker phone while he sat in his pajamas eating a bowl of Captain Crunch, "I also gave Family Matters three thumbs up cause that Urkel kid cracks me up." So far, however, TiVo has only suggested a rerun of Perfect Strangers and American Pie 2. "It's not what I was looking for, but that Balki guy cracks me up too. American Pie 2 has boobies in it, so it can't be that bad," Bush told us later from Noise Land Video Arcade where he had just finished up a game of Street Fighter. Bush also announced he canceled his season pass to Newsline because he was afraid it would cause Pokemon to be deleted from the Hard Drive.
|  Three thumbs up is more than a man can do, cause he only has two thumbs. |
Labels: george bush, iraq, tivo
¶ 10:17:00 AM 0 Comments
People in America love nothing more than celebrating our celebrities' shortcomings. We here at cheesegod.com appreciate this and is why we've gone out of our way to bring you these exclusive pictures we've uncovered:
Regis Philbin, not recycling
Mike Piazza serving a body double for Saddam Hussein
Jay Leno, shooting a Hobo
Stay tuned for more...
Labels: jay leno, mets, mike piazza, regis philbman, saddam hussein
¶ 8:18:00 AM 0 Comments
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The US Government announced that it was Saddam Hussein who was responsible for the deaths of elitist rappers Tupac and Biggie. It had nothing to do the east side or the west, but rather Middle East Side. The US Government provided the picture on the right as "documented proof" of the murder. Some skeptics say however that the government is only saying this because they want support for the war. As a news source though we must agree with whatever the government says, or else we might not get future scoops or interviews with congressmen and such. So we agree this with this war 100% and all that we're doing there. We also agree with government on the following:
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 Documented proof, thanks to two sloppy seconds in photoshop. |
Labels: biggie smalls, iraq, saddam hussein, tupac
¶ 8:24:00 AM 0 Comments
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FOX was excited to announce that this spring they will begin airing the reality show "Bomb Iraq." Contestants will each be given an airplane and have to bomb different cities inside Iraq. But the show will be much more strategic than just that. "Each contestant will be given a map of Iraq, a list of targets, a plane armed with 10 cruise missiles, and a single luxury item," FOX spokesperson Tom Bellamy told us, "they'll have to avoid casualties and take down the targets and be graded on their performance by celebrity judges. And the best thing... it's hosted by Bob Saget!" Contestants will gain or lose points based on their hits/killings. For example: For each building they take down they'll get 500 points, for every enemy tank/craft they'll get 400 points. But for every American Soldier killed they'll lose 1,000 points, every British Soldier they'll lose 500 points, and for every Iraqi civilian killed they'll lose 5 points. "We're excited to have another allie on our side," George W. Bush interrupted an episode of Becker to tell everyone, "and yes, I think I did misspell allie, I'm so stupid not only do I mispronounce things while I talk, I'm some how manage to misspell them too." Bob Saget is excited to take on the job as host. "It's so great FOX chose me to host, I didn't think anyone even remembered who I was," Bob Saget said to a group of journalists who stared blankly at him, "I was Danny Tanner... from Full House... the show that's rerun on TBS between two episodes of Family Matters," the press continued to stare at him, confused, "Oh well, no matter. It's still better than the job at Blockbuster I've been doing the last couple of months. Oh crap! I forgot to ask Mr. Hartwell for the week off that's being recorded, I got to go!" The show is being filmed now, but most likely won't air until May, because that's sweeps. |
 Bob Saget stands in front of some dead guy, just happy to be on TV |
Labels: bob sagget, fox, iraq, reality tv
¶ 8:21:00 AM 0 Comments
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Pizza Hut officially out bid Long John Silvers and Tampax earlier today to become the main sponsor of the war. For here on out the war will be known as "Pizza Hut Presents Operation Iraqi Freedom." Although Pizza Hut will be the main sponsor other parts of the war will receive they're own special sponsorship. The crappy video from the videophones will be brought to you by Real Video player. The Bombs will be brought to you by the movie Willard (because it bombed, get it.. hah hah). And the missiles will be brought to you by Penal Enlargement clinics. |
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"Well we're split 50/50 right now. Half of us think him. But the other half is just not convinced," Pentagon spokesman Jake Propaganda told us, "The other half doesn't exist because it's not possible to have more than two halves in a whole. But if we could have a third half we'd probably make them out to get us some pizza, I'm starving."
Whether it was real or not it was enough to rally the people of Iraq to dance in the streets for the eighteenth time this week. The only evidence torture that seems obvious so far against the civilians of Iraq, is his ability to make them dance like idiots.
Here's the evidence the CIA has presented to the public on why the video may be fake. The picture at right below shows a still from the latest video along with letters pointing to different spots. The letters correspond to those on the left with why these spots are of interest.
A) Mustache Wax used appears to be different brand than normal
B) Who wears a turtleneck in the desert
C) Sorry, I forgot to draw a line from C... I'm not sure what that was for
D) Microphone used is a Sony, not Hussein's favorite, Casio.
E) Pocket doesn't contain Camel Cigarettes, the type many experts believe Hussein would use if he smoked.
F) This line of Red may be blood. Perhaps from being shot. And as you know, the real Hussein was bombed not shot.
Labels: iraq, saddam hussein
¶ 8:29:00 AM 0 Comments
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A man was killed yesterday when an X-Box video game console fell of a store shelf and crushed him. The console, which weighs an estimated 200 lbs. and is about the length of five Mattel Electronic Football fields, was on the top shelf in the video game aisle. The X-Box must not have been properly balanced because it fell without notice onto the individual. Experts are calling this the worse video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars of 1995. "This is the worst video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars," said one such expert, "This is almost as bad as the time in 1989 when that guy played Tetris for 87 hours straight, went insane, and killed 50 people by throwing blocks off the Empire State Building." Many consider the X-Box the most dangerous system (one teenager called it "bas ass"), but the worse may yet to come. Microsoft has already announced the "Y-Box" as a follow up. It will weigh about twice as much and, according to Bill Gates, "will probably be better as far as graphics and stuff go too."
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Labels: bill gates, video games, x-box
¶ 8:36:00 AM 0 Comments
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Soft drink drinkers will have another reason to drink their soft drinks this summer. Pepsi plans to incorporate online capabilities in their soda cans. "That's what the kids want these days, right? Online access and crap," said Pepsi chairman Joe Orsulak. These new cans will allow drinkers to access the latest nutrition information, download new skins for the can, and to listen to an MP3 of Britney spears slurping a can of soda. After drinking the soda within it can easily be crumpled up and thrown out... or recycled if you want your 5 cent deposit back. "It's new, it's revolutionary, it's cool. So buy it already," said the already mentioned Pepsi chairperson. The Pepsi is expected to go sale this July, although some grocers are already taking preorders. It will cost about $20 a can and will require three AAA batteries that are not included. The can must also be connected to a phone line and a optional keyboard must be purchased to access some features. The keyboard will only be available in Japan however but can be imported for the low price $120, feel free to check eBay for lower prices. Coke has no plans to introduces a drink with online capacities, but is considering a bottle with a flashing bottle cap light. |
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Labels: joe orsulak, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:34:00 AM 0 Comments
Ericson announced the first cell phone to have a DVD player in it last Friday.
"It is so exciting," exclaimed Paul Ericson, some guy who I assume had to do with Ericson phones seeing as their names matched and he was talking about one of their stupid phones, "finally Americans can watch movies on their cell phone."
The DVD feature will enable people on the go to watch movies. Car drivers will be aloud to watch DVDs too, as long as they don't use their hands.
Unfortunately a bug in the design has caused the phone unable to make calls at any time.
"We don't think it's a big deal that the phone can't make calls," said Ericson, "very few people buy cell phones to make calls. They buy them for the games, organizer, crazy ring tones, and most importantly, to look cool."
Look for the phone on shelves this month.
Labels: cell phones, dvd
¶ 8:43:00 AM 0 Comments
People gathered from around America last Saturday in New York City to protest the Joe Millionaire verdict. Protest organizers estimated that there was about 500,000 in attendance while cops said they didn't care.
It was cold, it was wet, it actually was kind of stupid, but that didn't stop the protesters from coming out.
"Well, the fact is it's time Evan Marriot heard our voice," said one protester who held a sign reading 'Pick Me Joe,' "He clearly should of chose Sara instead of Zora."
"He should of picked the girl with the bigger boobies," said a construction worker who joined the march, "the fact that he picked the frump is a disgrace to construction workers everywhere."
The group marched up times square before getting lost.
"We could of swore FOX studios were around here somewhere," said one confused guy.
The protesters finally wound up at NBC studios in Rockefeller Center and decided that it was close enough.
"They're such morons," said Conan O' Brien looking from the window of his G.E. building, "how can anyone be that dumb. Except for my fans of course." Conan then began to dance like an idiot and make weird high pitched "ow" noises for about an hour or two.
"They all look about the age of Joe Millionaire to me," said one on looker who was urinating on a near by mailbox, "they're probably just afraid of commitment."
At the end of it all Evan Marriot finally responded only by saying, "I understand what they're saying, but I respectfully disagree."
But, since it's a decision that doesn't directly affect all those protesting, he has all the right to make it without listening to them. Now, if it was a far more serous decision, and that many people protested, no one in their right mind would just write it off.... right?
Labels: iraq, joe millioniare, new york, reality tv
¶ 8:39:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: marmaduke
¶ 9:21:00 AM 0 Comments
Labels: 2000 election, al gore, george bush
¶ 11:30:00 AM 0 Comments
