3/26/2008
  Fox Exec Doesn't Have Heart To Cancel Simpsons
Brook Fordyce has received many kudos from critics since he became the head program director at the FOX network. When he expanded American Idol to four and a half hours and added it to a sixth night, ratings soured. When he added the new game show Super-Hooker, critics raved. And of course there was his decision to let Seth MacFarlane make another cartoon with outdated references and no plot or story to appeal to that often forgotten mentally retarded market. But, there is one thing Fordyce just has not been able to do, cancel The Simpsons.

The Simpsons, which has been on for a mere 19 seasons has delighted many over the years, but even the writers of the show agree it's just not that good anymore.

"What, yeah, we don't really write the shows anymore," writer John Frink told us from the closet they call a writers room, "we just look back at old shows and rewrite them."

"The show hasn't been very good lately, or for the last 5 seasons even," Dr. Joe Orsulak, professor of TV studies at Joe's College Emporium, "the show should be canceled, or moved to the CW, where low ratings are all part of Dawn Ostroff's Evil plan to kick start Armageddon."

So, if the show's ratings are so low, why hasn't it been canceled?

"I know it should be canceled, alright," Fordyce told us, "I've even gone down to the Simpson's studio a couple of times to do it. But every time I look into Matt Groening's big brown eyes... well, I just can't go through with it."

Not everyone is so sympathetic. FOX owner and National Socialist enthusiast Rupert Murdoch isn't so impressed.

"Big brown eyes?" Murdoch shouted from on top of a flying centurion pony, "I'll show him some big black eyes if expenditures are not successfully cut by 1.3% by the end of the fiscal year!"

With the threat of a semi-God riding over Fordyce's head, what's keeping him from giving the show the ole axe?

"I've spent the last 20 years with those wacky yellow guys." Fordyce told us with a tear in his eye, "When Homer met his Mom I cried, when Marge became a Cop I laughed, when Lisa became a vegetarian I stopped eating meat, and when Bart became Captain Sewer Pants and saved Springfield from the attacking 80 foot Regis Philbman I was on the edge of my seat."

"They'd be fools to cancel us now," Matt Groening creator of The Simpsons, Futuarama, Life is Hell, and a foul smelling fart during this interview, "We got some great episodes coming up! There's one where Homer becomes the lead singer for Arcade Fire, we working on another episode where the family gets a horse... again, oh, and let's not forget the return of Captain Sewer Pants!"

Fordyce isn't worried though, he has a plan.

"I'll just cancel something else. I've been doing it every year. So far I've canceled Firefly, or Arrested Development, Family Guy, Futurama... 24 soon."

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  10:41:00 PM 0 Comments
11/07/2007
  Selling Your Soul To Rupert Murdoch
MySpace has been popular for a couple of years or so now. As it has become more and more main stream I have grown to hate it more and more.

Is it the incredibly poorly designed profiles? The badly designed interface? The fact that it's owned by the unpropitious News Corp.? Or is it just my desire that hate everything that is popular and cast myself further and further from the mainstream?

Well, there are three facts. The profiles people create for themselves do look horrible, like some kind of hell for evil graphic designers. If they do desire to strive to make something that looks better for themselves, they're have a pain in the ass time doing so since the ease of customization is comparable to completing Dragon Force on expert in Guitar Hero. And, yes, News Corp, owners of The New York Post and FOX news, are extremely maleficent. As for that whole thing about me hating stuff just because it's mainstream, well, that's just silly... ahem.

But, as MySpace has become embedded in our civilization it has become harder to function not being part of the group. Not being on MySpace is like not owning a cellphone or a car*. Sure, there are alternatives threatening MySpace's empire, such as Facebook, but lets face it, it isn't going anywhere too soon. MySpace is like the MP3, outdated old technology of poor quality. The only reason anyone still uses it is because they are comfortable with and everyone else uses it.

So, I've given up. Perhaps it's not News Corp's fault MySpace is full of morons who don't understand it's of poor design to have songs preload and play, that sixteen embedded youtube videos isn't a good idea, and the only reason they have so many friends on the site is because all those people just wanted to have a lot of friends on their profile and will add anything that moves, or doesn't move, as their friend.

As I told myself this, I logged onto MySpace and created a profile for myself. Now I feel dirty, so dirty. Excuse while I go take a shower.

QUOTE:

"For a long time it gave me nightmares... witnessing an injustice like that... it's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him... silly rabbit, tricks are for kids... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?"

-Carlon, Fresh Price of Bel-Air

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  4:22:00 PM 0 Comments
2/11/2007
  Useless Channels
Ah, the joys of fiber optic TV. So many channels, so many of them useless. You can have over 200 stations, and still feel like your getting ripped off by how horribly useless some of them are.

Need some convincing? How about:

The Hallmark Channel

How exactly do you base a station on a greeting card? I'm pretty sure it's not by scheduling nothing but Walker Texas Ranger and Diagnosis: Murder reruns.

The Learning Channel

Sorry TLC. You use to be good. Back in the days of cable you were a nice supplement to the Discovery Channel as part of the education through TV experience. Now the only things you show are about decorating other people's house and "flipping" houses. The only thing I've learned from you is how annoying this reality TV virus can be.

QVC, Home Shopping Network, America's Store, Jewelry TV, ShopNBC

Why do these stations still even exist. Getting ripped of shopping from your home may have been novel 15 years ago, but doesn't the internet fill that role now?

FOX Reality

Why they hate us.

GAS

Why did Nickelodeon make this channel? Why? You might as well relabel it the Guts and Figure It Out Network, after the only two shows on this channel.

Music Choice

Does anyone actually listen to music on their TV? Why, why would you do that? No, I'm willing to bet no one does. The only reason these stations exist is so that cable company's can add another 50 to their total channel count to boast about.

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  7:33:00 PM 0 Comments
11/10/2006
  FOX News Delivers What's Important
As I sat and watched a Seinfeld rerun that aired this past Monday, I found myself intrigued by a promo for the "News at 10." Fox could of easily filled their news report with news of the election that would take place the next day, but that'd be too easy.

Instead Fox pulled out all the stops and was able to report on the most important news of the day. They ignored the candidates, the issues, the war, and all those other boring things and brought us "Ways to tell if Your Husband Is Gay."

Some say Fox only reports things that favors the political right. While knowing how to find out if your husband is gay certainly could be useful to the wives of some republican congressman, I argue that Fox just reports news for those with extremely low IQs.

By the way, I did not tune in for the report, as if I did somehow had a husband I pretty sure it's mean we were both gay.

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  12:22:00 AM 0 Comments
7/08/2005
  Non Sequitor Takes On Fox News
I usually don't just rip off other people's work, but I today's Non Sequitor to be quite amusing:




You can check out more Non Sequitor at ucomics.com.

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  1:17:00 AM 0 Comments
5/05/2005
  Family Guy Gives Doogie Hope
By Lance Froman


This month marked the return of new episodes of Family Guy after a long hiatus.
The show aired for just three short years on FOX before due to lack of viewers...
and originality. it was canceled. But, thanks to great DVD sales and
outstanding rerun ratings, the show has finally returned to FOX.


I have to admit, it was big of FOX to admit it was wrong and bring the show back.
Family Guy suffered low ratings not just because it was another Simpson's clone,
but also because it was put in tough time slots (against Friends), and new
episodes were often aired during the summer, when no one watches TV. FOX has
obviously learned from these mistakes, since they now air Family Guy against
Desperate Housewives and are going to show most of the new episodes during this
Summer.


Perhaps the most important thing about all of this, is it gives us hope. Hope
that someday perhaps the greatest show ever aired will be able to return. That's
right, I'm talking about Doogie Howser MD!



We can get this monumental show back, we just must follow the same steps Family
Guy did:


1) Buy DVDs - the first season of Doogie Howser was just released. I
already have 3.7 copies (I had a full four, but Mr. Fish used one of the discs as
an "Ass Coaster. I hate him so.)


2) Watch it Reruns - Well, it's not in reruns anymore. I don't know why.
You'd think with 200 channels someone wouls be able to fit it in somewhere. So
instead let's watch other things Neal Patrick Harris has been in to show our
support. Like Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, that one episode of the
Simposons.... I think he was on that show Ed once.... hmmmm.


3) Buy The Merchandise - FOX isn't showing Family Guy because it's funny,
they're showing it because they want money and they know people will buy the
T-shirts. Right now their doesn't seem to be any Doogie Howser merchandise
(believe me, I've searched eBay long and hard for a Neal Patrick Harris Doll). I
tried to make my own "I Love Doogie" t-Shirt, but the clowns at Cafepress made a
typo, and now I have a "I Love Dookie" shirt.



4) Sign The Petition - href="http://www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/Doogie_howser/">Sign it now!
Everyone will always do what people on line tell them to do!



The Star Trek Nerds Fans are raising money to fund the next season of
Enterprise themselves. Why couldn't we do the same thing? How much could it cost?
I doubt Neal Patrick Harris would demand a big salary, it's not like he's doing
anything else. He could just come to my house and act out the show while I film
it with my webcam.


I've started a collection up. So far I put in $3.26 of my own money, and after
collecting at the mall all week I've gotten it up to $4.26 (I got a dollar from
some woman by saying bringing back Doogie would be good for "The Troops") So
everyone please send me your money so we may one day enjoy our Dookie Doogie Howser.

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  10:46:00 AM 0 Comments
4/13/2004
  FCC Censors President's Name

The new FCC regulations went into affect yesterday, providing each TV station a list of words that can not be said over the air. Unfortunately two of those words are the presidents and vice presidents last and first names respectively.


Both George W.'s last name and Mr. Cheney's first name have been ruled too dirty to say on TV. News reporters are becoming increasingly confused on how to handle the situation. To get around the restrictions new reporters and started referring to the duo as George W. LadyArea and ManStem Cheney.


These latest FCC regulations of course have all emerged from the Janet Jackson debacle, which despite her best efforts have not helped her record sales. It hasn't helped the fact that her music sucks too.

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  12:05:00 PM 0 Comments
2/02/2004
  Cheney Found In Hole

The white house released information today proudly stating that it
finally located Dick Cheney. Cheney, who's been missing for a long
portion of the Bush presidency, was found living in a hole in order to hide from the
press.


Upon discovery the vice president said, "My name is Dick Cheney. I am the Vice President of the United States. I'd like to negotiate." He was found with his trademark suitcase of
money, which he carries in case an emergency bribe has to be made to get a contract for Haliburton.



The location of Cheney has been rumored or thought to be many different places over the last couple of years. The most thought of was to be that he lived a double life as Joe Leiberman, the outcast of the Democratic primary (Al Sharpton doesn't count, as usual).


The capture has proved to mean little however, as Dick Cheney was found of Fox News. They
congratulated him on a job well done and went on the report that he wasn't living in the hole but rather was helping his employees dig for oil.


According to experts on the propaganda news channel reported the only people calling it a hole was the left wing pro-rape room media.


Dick Cheney has since moved from the hole and his current location is unknown. But a good guess would be somewhere convincing someone Saddam Hussein was the one who made the mydoom virus.


By the way, I went through this whole article without making a "Dick" in a hole joke,
because I'm a classy guy.




Wipe that sly look off your face, Dick.

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  1:03:00 PM 0 Comments
7/02/2003
  FOX OFFERS ALL OF GOVERNMENT SEXUAL FAVORS








Fox News has made the ultimate attempt to remain the number one network. They have offered every politician a chance to have... um... the Washington Monument spit shined.


As anyone with an IQ high enough not to watch FOX NEWS knows, FOX NEWS had become the number one network by being the official propaganda station for the US government and for getting exclusive news stories that other networks wouldn't report because they had more journalistic integrity. But FOX wants to make sure they remain on their top post, and what better way than by working construction on the old Lincoln Log.


While every congress member and senator we talked to refused to comment we did manage to hear some insight from Joe Orsulak, our anonymous inside source on hanging chads.


"FOX NEWS's first taker was none other than Mr. Thurmand who got to become a stiff in one way before the other thanks to the aggressive style of Bill O'Reilly," Orsulak told us, "He showed them all his 'Dixie' party platform."


It comes as no surprise to many that FOX has resorted to this, as they basically have been doing it to a lesser extent for years. Many in the news industry was unfazed when they heard Hillary Clinton got to smoke another man's cigar.


It remain to be seen how any of this may affect the news industry, but in the mean time all 82 democratic presidential hopefuls have had the pleasure licking Bush, something none of them will likely do in next years election.

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  6:32:00 PM 0 Comments
4/04/2003
  FOX To Air Iraq Reality Show

FOX was excited to announce that this spring they will begin airing the reality show "Bomb Iraq."


Contestants will each be given an airplane and have to bomb different cities inside Iraq. But the show will be much more strategic than just that.


"Each contestant will be given a map of Iraq, a list of targets, a plane armed with 10 cruise missiles, and a single luxury item," FOX spokesperson Tom Bellamy told us, "they'll have to avoid casualties and take down the targets and be graded on their performance by celebrity judges. And the best thing... it's hosted by Bob Saget!"



Contestants will gain or lose points based on their hits/killings. For example: For each building they take down they'll get 500 points, for every enemy tank/craft they'll get 400 points. But for every American Soldier killed they'll lose 1,000 points, every British Soldier they'll lose 500 points, and for every Iraqi civilian killed they'll lose 5 points.


"We're excited to have another allie on our side," George W. Bush interrupted an episode of Becker to tell everyone, "and yes, I think I did misspell allie, I'm so stupid not only do I mispronounce things while I talk, I'm some how manage to misspell them too."


Bob Saget is excited to take on the job as host.


"It's so great FOX chose me to host, I didn't think anyone even remembered who I was," Bob Saget said to a group of journalists who stared blankly at him, "I was Danny Tanner... from Full House... the show that's rerun on TBS between two episodes of Family Matters," the press continued to stare at him, confused, "Oh well, no matter. It's still better than the job at Blockbuster I've been doing the last couple of months. Oh crap! I forgot to ask Mr. Hartwell for the week off that's being recorded, I got to go!"

The show is being filmed now, but most likely won't air until May, because that's sweeps.




Bob Saget stands in front of some dead guy, just happy to be on TV

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  8:21:00 AM 0 Comments