101 USES FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK

So you purchased the latest installment of the Harry Potter series, but now you don't know what to do with it. Well here's a long list of things you can do to justify it's inflated price tag: Use it to kill your husband Put it under the short leg of the couch Use it to impress your illiterate friends Hollow it out, hide booze inside Tear out the pages and use it as fan during the hot summer Stand on it to reach the top shelf at the supermarket Paperweight Door Stop Hollow it out and live inside it Wear it as a hat Put it in the toilet for symbolic reasons Makes a good booster seat Put it under your car tire so it doesn't roll away Place on top of trash can lid so it doesn't blow away Throw it through a window as a gesture of anarchy Makes a good cutting board Strap it to your foot so you can reach the gas pedal... if you're David Spade Hit David Spade over the head with it Begin reading the induce sleep Push it around in a baby stroller to gather odd looks Put it in a sock and swing it around as a make shift weapon Sell it on eBay, no wait, don't, the shipping would cost too much Go to an elementary school playground and burn it to make the children cry Donate it to a soup kitchen... I don't know why Walk around with it on Halloween as your costume, you can a moron Tear up all the pages and throw it in the air... pretend it's New Years Stand on a street corner reciting from it as if it's the bible Doodle a beard onto Harry's face on the cover... good fun Lick it Use it to open walnuts Open and close rapidly, pretend it's talking Place on floor in high foot traffic areas to make people trip Return it to the book store because it's defected... it sucks Use it to kill Marthra Stewart Dress it up as Bin Laden, alert the FBI Take a shower with it Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over how much money you spent on it Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over not having any friends Sell it to a sucker, claiming it's a magic bean Catch Pokemon with it Use it for step aerobics Use it for TP Make 991 paper airplanes Origami! Makes for swell wrapping paper ... or wallpaper Ramp for Skateboard Dip in liquid nitrogen, hit it with a hammer Put through industrial shredder Use it as a butt plug Make into a piņata Leave it outside to see how long it takes to get stolen Use it to stuff your crotch ... or bra Makes for crappy China Use it to line the birdcage Use it as home base when you play baseball Use for bait when you're fishing... for children Firewood Just sit on it Pretend it's your girlfriend Rip it in half to show off your muscle Cut with a ginsu knife Use it as an end table Hide your wallet inside it when you're at the beach Use as anchor for ship Stand on while hanging yourself Do a word by word comparison with Lord Of The Rings See if it syncs up to Dark Side of the Moon Squash unwanted insects Can be used as platform shoes Pretend you're talking about it on Reading Rainbow Stick it under the brake pedal of your dad's car so he can't stop Throw at Carl Everett's head Tie-dye it Aquarium decoration Good for weight lifting Throw at neighbors dog when he's barking Mod it so it can play MP3s Cover the hole of your roof with it Or cover those rust holes in the floor of your car Ride it down a mountain Use to hide the comic book your reading Use as a coaster Can be a gravestone... for someone named Harry potter Reprint it in the NY Daily News to piss off the author Use as a reminded of why watching TV is better than reading Break it with your fist in karate class Goat food Use as mouse pad Dress up a women and practice kissing it Rip off the dust cover for your own "Books Gone Wild" show Use it as a sticker album Remove makeup with it Check it for spelling errors Use as bookshelf to display your better books Use as a punching bag Put it next to Carrot Top to see if so much sucking in one area will cause the universe to collapse on itself Use as a chew toy Test to see if it can absorb as much liquid as Brawny paper towels I guess you could just read it... or give to someone who does