Us adults are so lucky. We get to waste entire days away playing online games. Sitting on our numb posteriors, staring at our warm glowing monitors until our eyes dry up... then we remember to blink and we play some more. We play hooky from our jobs, skip school, and ignore housework just so we can be one step closer to gaining that level 42 headdress. You know the one, it has +32 healing chance, +108 armor, a slight increase in hit probability, but unfortunately it also a 36% decrease in hygiene.Yep, we sure are cool. But what about our children? How are we suppose to be able to watch them and farm spider eggs at the same time? Yeah, you can park them in front of the TV or buy them another Game Boy game. But really, how many times can they watch High School Musical or suffer through yet another Pokemon game. Yeah, that's right Pikachu, I'm calling you out. What's with your crazy games being released in pairs anyway? Red & Blue, Silver & Gold, Diamond & Pearl, Milk & Cookies, Goofus & Gallant. I'm tired of it.
It'd be great if we could keep our kids busy with online games too. But the chatrooms ruin that. You never know what elf or wizard might be a pedophile. After all, pedophiles are everywhere nowadays; at the park, at our schools, at the mall, on dateline NBC, on the internets, in my crackerjacks, or on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (AKA the show where every week they somehow manage to come up with another exciting way someone can be raped and murdered, now that's quality TV.) Last night I shot a pedophile in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Ironically, if it wasn't for those darn pedophiles (Those Darn Pedophiles? Isn't that a sitcom on FOX this fall?) online games would be almost perfect for kids. Kids love video games, it'd keep out of that damn sun that gives them skin cancer, keep them away from the parks where even it almost slightly possible social interaction is waiting for them, and all the people already playing these games seem to have the same mental capability as an eight year old anyway.
But wait! The Canadians have saved the day once again (the other time being when they provided us with Keanu Reeves, I cry every time at the ending of Hardball... or am I thinking of Constantine, I always get those two confused). Canadian company Ganz has provided us with Webkinz. It can best be described as Beanie babies, simple online gaming, and a huge mass of fecal matter mixed together.
Kids can buy a stuffed animal from their favorite Hallmark store and then register it on the Webkinz website where they can now play with a cartoon version of it online. Kids can watch with amazement has they mix three random items to make food for their pets or buy furniture for them to crawl around on. But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
I just said "buy." You can buy anything without cash, kinzcash that is (oh snap!). Kinzcash can be earned by playing super simple flash games. Just picture one of those games from Pogo or Yahoo! Games but with an annoying talking animated dog or a farting weasel (alright, alright, there's no farting weasel, but a boy can dream, can't he?). If you thought that stupid Microsoft Word animated paper clip that doesn't mind his own business was annoying, well... those of who have experience the annoying talking webkinz animals have a word for you folk, "virgins."
And that brings me to the social interaction part. Your kids will be able to meet people in the game and show them the little house you regurgitated for your pet or compete in cooking contest with them. Fortunately for overprotective parents like you, you'll be happy to hear that Ganz has taking every step to make this experience as kid safe and free from fun as possible. Your kids can talk to them all you like, but don't expect any real conversation, all chats are limited to whatever you can select from a drop down menu of preselected banter. So, they will not be able to tell anyone, "Hey, your house looks like Goatse," or "Hey little girl, wanna see my Goatse." In fact, there's no references to Goatse at all in this game, and when you come down to it, isn't that what online gaming all about... well, it isn't, you sicko.
And your lucky child will be able to this all they'd like for a year, at which point I suppose their pet is placed under virtual house arrest and not allowed any visitors. But not to fret, their pet can be set free for another year with the purchase of another Webinz. Not that's really that bad of a price to pay, considering popular online games such as Lord of the Rings Online or Everquest cost about $15 a month to play. Of course those two games aren't horrible, well... not Lord of the Rings anyway. Not that any of this matters, by the time a year rolls around Webkinz will be as popular with your children as a Tamagotchi.
In case your wondering, your pet can't die, no matter how much you neglect them or treat them poorly. Which means your child isn't going to really learn any responsibility from Webkinz. But, whatever they do learn from it., it'll probably be better than any parent who just pawn their kid off onto video games and TV can.
Labels: Canada, Gameboy, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, video games, webkinz
¶ 11:15:00 AM
Plagued by the decline of intelligence of the people in the United States, Border's Books has announced they're dropping books from their stock.
"They're just taking up valuable space from the CDs, DVDs, and puppy calendars," we were told by Border's stock boy, Steve Guttenburg, who we suspect is the very same person who starred in the Police Academy movies, just older... and more pathetic (if possible) now.
Border's will still cary books-on-tape because they're the only type of book that doesn't require reading.
"I try reading a book, but after the first page I'm bored to tears. Like I really care what a character may be thinking or feeling," books-on-tape advocate Tony Catsup told us.
Some however fear this is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society.
"This is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society," some person whose good for us simple Arrested Development fans. (NOTE: I just reread this article I had typed almost 3 years ago. I have no idea what this last sentence means, or was suppose to mean. Oh well. -ED 9/19/07)
Some books will still be sold just for novelty purposes. People will be able to buy them so they can put them on their shelves so they will look sophisticated to those who visit them.
Border's will also use some of it's now bookless space for it's new MP3-on-DVDs.
"We're not sure what a MP3-on-DVD is, but it's got both DVD and MP3 in the name. And that's what the kids are into these days. That and GameBoy... and Pokemon... Or is that still cool?," Guttenburg told us, "Is it? Hello? Are you listening to what I'm saying? I'm asking you aquestion? Can you stop writing what I'm saying for one second and tell me if pokemon still popular. Why are you even still writing what I'm saying for anyway? It's not like you're going to put any of this in your article!"
Labels: books, borders, dvd, Gameboy, mp3, Pokemon, steve guttenburg
¶ 1:15:00 PM 
The world's oldest iPod has died at the age of 2. It's owner, George Flippant, 12 of Newark, New Jersey, hobbies include fishing and fragging, his favorite Backstreet boy is the one with the hair, was deeply saddened by the unfortunate turn of events.
The iPod more than outlived it's life expectancy of 366 days (1 day longer than the included warranty) by a full year. Many marveled at the ancient technology of the iPod with it's old school tech wheel and all.
"The wheel in the click wheel actually turned instead of staying stationary. It's so 2002," Flippant's 8 year old neighbor Alexander Beef told us when we were able to distract him from his new triple screen GameBoy.
The elder iPod's life ended abruptly when it was dropped on Flippant's kitchen floor.
"It all happened so fast," Flippant told us, telling us the events of the iPod's demise, "One minute I was dancing to the new Eminem song with the iPod in my hand. I was pretending to be one of those silhouette people like in the commercials. Then the next minute the iPod has flown out of my hand and is crashing into a million pieces after hitting the floor."
Most iPods die of bad batteries, hard drive failure, or depression of a crappy music library. Not everyone believes Flippant's story.
"He just broke it cause he wanted a new one for christmas," George Flippant's sister Georgia told us, "He's always doing stuff like that. He always get's it too. Like that time he broke his arm and Mom took him out of school for two days. He was so faking it."
The police will not say if they're willing to rule out foul play yet.
"What the hell do I care what happened to some kid's walkman," Tony Putz, chief of police, told us.
Meanwhile George does indeed plan to ask for another iPod this christmas.
"They're so cool. They're just like old iPods but they can display photos! And they're only $600!"
The worse Gameboy related accident yet happened earlier this week at Poky Oats
Elementary School in Hartford, CT. A Pokemon game gone wrong resulted in the
death of five children, one teacher, a custodian, and a Michael Jackson
sympathizer.
"It was horrible," said Timmy O' Toole, age 6, a witness to the event, "There was
blood everywhere. I got a stain on my shirt. My mom threw it away. It was my
favorite shirt, the one with cookie monster.... don't tell her, but I took it
back out of the trash when she wasn't looking. I sleep with it under the
covers."
Another incident, another lawsuit. Nintendo yawned it off, giving us the usual
response.
"It's a travesty and we here at Nintendo Of America express our condolences," A
Nintendo Spokesperson told us, "We always have expressed safety precautions while
playing with your GameBoy. A three foot distance between players and protective
suits, available for purchase through the official Nintendo website, should
always be utilized."
Witnesses all told of how awful the site was. Thirty three children have been
taken to mental hospitals for extended psychiatric help.
"We just hope to have our daughter back by the end of the year," a parent of one
of the children in the psychiatric hospital who wished to remain anonymous told
us... oh, what the hell, his name was John Lindermen.
The child whose Gameboy caused the ruckus, and survivor of the event, is also
saddened by the massacre.
"I can't believe it. The cops took my gameboy for evidence. How am I suppose to
catch the last Pokemon, Curdle, now? I'm going try to get my mom to buy me one
of those new green ones. They're cool, they're just like the other Gameboy but
it's... green!
Nintendo Gameboy Advance sales have not been hurt by this last event, in fact
sales have slightly risen since this the event.
Labels: death, Gameboy, john linderman, nintendo, video games
¶ 12:02:00 PM 
