Labels: anna nicole smith, iraq, news media

¶ 11:42:00 PM 0 Comments

After asking if he'd been tortured in prison:

Are you kidding? Of course I have! You think I wanted to grow this beard? The Americans forced me to!

You don't understand; I could of had class; I could of been a contender; I could of been somebody; instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it.

In a sudden outburst:

Holy sh*t! I just figured it out! This war was all about the oil!

Showing aggression towards officials questioning him:

You see what I'm doing? I'm pretending my fingers are guns and I'm shooting you! Scared?

Again on prison torture:

I offered to be led around naked on a leash. That would of been nice. That Lynndie England chick is hot.

I will confess to these crimes.... if you can snatch this pen from my hand.

Labels: hussein, iraq

¶ 5:17:00 PM 0 Comments

Be forewarned the following images are graphic, viewer discretion is advised.

Prisoners are forced to listen to a William Hung performance.

Prisoner forced to bathe stupid American children.

Prisoners are must wait in long line at post office.

Prisoner has to perform YMCA dance.

Labels: iraq, post office, torture, wiliam hung, ymca

¶ 8:39:00 AM 0 Comments

The white house released information today proudly stating that it finally located Dick Cheney. Cheney, who's been missing for a long portion of the Bush presidency, was found living in a hole in order to hide from the press. Upon discovery the vice president said, "My name is Dick Cheney. I am the Vice President of the United States. I'd like to negotiate." He was found with his trademark suitcase of money, which he carries in case an emergency bribe has to be made to get a contract for Haliburton. The location of Cheney has been rumored or thought to be many different places over the last couple of years. The most thought of was to be that he lived a double life as Joe Leiberman, the outcast of the Democratic primary (Al Sharpton doesn't count, as usual). The capture has proved to mean little however, as Dick Cheney was found of Fox News. They congratulated him on a job well done and went on the report that he wasn't living in the hole but rather was helping his employees dig for oil. According to experts on the propaganda news channel reported the only people calling it a hole was the left wing pro-rape room media. Dick Cheney has since moved from the hole and his current location is unknown. But a good guess would be somewhere convincing someone Saddam Hussein was the one who made the mydoom virus. By the way, I went through this whole article without making a "Dick" in a hole joke, because I'm a classy guy.

Wipe that sly look off your face, Dick.

Labels: al sharpton, dick cheney, fox, iraq, joe leiberman, saddam hussein

¶ 1:03:00 PM 0 Comments

Weapons of Mass Destruction Found On Ebay

The search is over! After weeks of grilling Saddam Hussein, he has finally
unveiled where he has put the weapons of mass destruction. eBay!

Pentagon official celebrated as they entered the words "weapons of mass
destruction" into the ebay search box and did indeed come up with the desired
result.

"It was right there the whole time," Donald Rumsfeild told us, "I had my 11
year old nephew do up a search and it was right there. Between postings for a
"President Bush is the weapon of Mass Destruction" bumper sticker and a gay
porno video called "Weapons of Mass Intrusion."

Asked if the white house planned on bidding on the item, Rumsfeild responded no.
Apparently the White House's Paypal budget has already been spent for the year
by Bush on a Alf sock puppet.

Mr. Rumsfeild told us not worry though because the current high bidder in some
guy named "Al Keida" and that once he wins the item America will just bomb his
house and "free" the people that reside within.

Related stories:

Experts suspect latest Hussein tape may not be real

Hussein Responsible for deaths of Tupac and Biggie

Osama depressed

101 Uses for the Harry Potter Book

They Call Me Your Mom

Labels: Donald Rumsfeild, eBay, george bush, iraq, islanders, saddam hussein

¶ 1:07:00 PM 0 Comments

Bush Accidentally Visits Iraq for Thanksgiving The nation was stunned upon learning the news that supposed Bush visited Iraq on Thanksgiving. But Bush admitted yesterday to friends that he was actually trying to travel to Turkey, in search of a thanksgiving dinner, and arrived on accident Iraq due to using "an old map.". These friends, who I suppose aren't very good friends since they leaked this information, also told us that Bush was very scared when he learned he had arrived in Iraq because that was where the "boogeyman" his dad had told him about when he was a kid (or at least 35 years old) lived. Bush gathered up his courage by putting on his army jumpsuit and pretending he was one of those brave men he had seen on Hogan's Heroes. Bush was initially disappointed thinking he would only be able to eat beef jerkey, microwave burritos, and slurpees because "that's all those Hindu people sell". Bush was finally able to settle in once he found out there was some turkey, although he was somewhat disappointed there wasn't any of those cool 7 -Eleven Big Bite Bacon Cheeseburger logs available. Our sources told us Bush left happy with his souvenir "I Visited Iraq and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt" T-Shirt and, proving the proclamation on the shirt was false, a Iraqi snow globe. Bush spent most of his time on the trip back home working on his letter to Santa Clause and playing Battlefield 1942 while wishing a loud that "this war was as cool as the one in my video game." In case you're wondering why this story has just been posted almost a month after this would of been actually topical... bite me.

The turkey with a fake turkey

Labels: george bush, iraq, santa claus, thankgiving, Turkey

¶ 1:12:00 PM 0 Comments

"Nobody wants to pay any attention to him anymore," Bin Laden's psychiatrist told us. "Everything is Hussein this and Hussein that. Sure Hussein killed and gassed a few people here and there, but that's nothing compared to Osama."

Neighbors have told us he barely ever leaves his cave anymore. He just hangs out all day in his robe and slippers on. Sounds of his sobbing often echoes from within.

"He always yelling, 'Who's building do you have to fly a plane into to get some attention around here!,'" one neighbor told us as she walked her poodle.

Reports indicate that Osama was especially upset when he heard that Bush want to spend an additional 87 billion dollars in Iraq, more than twice that being spent on homeland security.

"That money should be used to stop me, not Saddam. First he gets the credit for 9/11, now this," Osama has been known to cry out while sleeping.

"He just want attention," his psychiatrist told us in addition to what we already quoted him on above, "He's not such a bad guy. He just does bad things so people will pay attention to him. He's lonely. Poor guy."

Labels: hussein, iraq, osama

¶ 6:15:00 PM 0 Comments

The Pentagon has announced it is sending members of the LAPD to aid the troops in the search of the weapons of mass destruction. The LAPD was chosen due to their amazing ability to find weapons on already shot criminals. Even those who didn't seem to have any weapons on them at first. "These gentleman are amazing," said Pentagon official Felipe Alou, "I've worked with these guys in the past. There were times they'd shoot a suspect criminal who didn't look like they had a weapon. But sure enough the cop would walk over there and he'd somehow find a gun on the body. It was like magic." The group sent will be led by ex-infamous detective Mark Furmnan, who's bringing his special turban that covers his entire face and is pointy on the top. "It's going to be tough," Furman told anyone who'd listen, "There's a lot of non-whites there, so they can't be trusted... what? It's not like you didn't already know I was racist!

Support the troops... or I'll kill you!

Labels: iraq, lapd

¶ 6:40:00 PM 0 Comments

FDA scientists were pleased to announce that they finished work on the "Food Sphere" yesterday. It's a follow-up to the "Food Pyramid" that cost about 536 million dollars to produce. "This is what you've been waiting for," some government scientist who probably makes to much announced, "At last we can help Americans eat healthier through the miracle of the sphere." Critics were fast to point out that the food sphere is nothing but the food pyramid with an extra side. "The extra side is important, it adds more pictures of the foods in each area," the same government guy as previously mentioned told us. Another change is a bottle of Pepsi added to the bottom area, which is reserved for foods that should be consumed the most. "We put that there after Pepsi agreed to help us fund future projects, such as a new graph indicating average amount of cookies eaten by pregnant women, by giving us a large sum of money. This money is important to us scientists so we can continue to research these projects, it's not like we just copy this stuff out of the latest issue of TIME." A round of sarcastic laughter followed this statement from the scientists. The food sphere also features an American flag on the top "to help fight terrorism." We also assured that it isn't French bread that appears in the "grains" section, but the tastier "Freedom Bread".

Labels: fda, iraq

¶ 10:08:00 AM 0 Comments

George Bush announced yesterday that he gave The War on Iraq three thumbs up on TiVo, showing how much he loves the war. "Now that TiVo knows how good this war is, hopefully it will begin suggesting new countries to invade," Bush told reporters by speaker phone while he sat in his pajamas eating a bowl of Captain Crunch, "I also gave Family Matters three thumbs up cause that Urkel kid cracks me up." So far, however, TiVo has only suggested a rerun of Perfect Strangers and American Pie 2. "It's not what I was looking for, but that Balki guy cracks me up too. American Pie 2 has boobies in it, so it can't be that bad," Bush told us later from Noise Land Video Arcade where he had just finished up a game of Street Fighter. Bush also announced he canceled his season pass to Newsline because he was afraid it would cause Pokemon to be deleted from the Hard Drive.

Three thumbs up is more than a man can do, cause he only has two thumbs.

Labels: george bush, iraq, tivo

¶ 10:17:00 AM 0 Comments

The US Government announced that it was Saddam Hussein who was responsible for the deaths of elitist rappers Tupac and Biggie. It had nothing to do the east side or the west, but rather Middle East Side. The US Government provided the picture on the right as "documented proof" of the murder. Some skeptics say however that the government is only saying this because they want support for the war. As a news source though we must agree with whatever the government says, or else we might not get future scoops or interviews with congressmen and such. So we agree this with this war 100% and all that we're doing there. We also agree with government on the following: Saddam Hussein is evil. It is America's job to tell the people of Iraq what they want Saddam Hussein was responsible for the death of Jesus Saddam Hussein is responsible for the awful TV version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding Our God is better than their god Saddam would not make a very good lover The rich need tax cuts more than the poor Good night folks, and god bless America!!!! Mr. Fish says: I don't like this story, it's too un-American, we must support our troops. If that bastard Saddam was here I'm lay an egg in his coffee.. do those Arabs even drink coffee? Lance Froman says: I disagree, I think the best way to support our troops is to bring them home. Mike Says: Shut up Lance, there's no way I'm paying $2 a gallon for gas. Nick says: It figures you'd give into that stupid alternative press garbage, with your big fro and all... Man, I wonder if Saddam had anything to do with the death of Right Said Fred... I liked that guy Mike says:: I don't think Right Said Fred is dead, unless you count his career. I like that guy to if you know what I mean, and if you do, please tell me, cause I don't.

Documented proof, thanks to two sloppy seconds in photoshop.

Labels: biggie smalls, iraq, saddam hussein, tupac

¶ 8:24:00 AM 0 Comments

FOX was excited to announce that this spring they will begin airing the reality show "Bomb Iraq." Contestants will each be given an airplane and have to bomb different cities inside Iraq. But the show will be much more strategic than just that. "Each contestant will be given a map of Iraq, a list of targets, a plane armed with 10 cruise missiles, and a single luxury item," FOX spokesperson Tom Bellamy told us, "they'll have to avoid casualties and take down the targets and be graded on their performance by celebrity judges. And the best thing... it's hosted by Bob Saget!" Contestants will gain or lose points based on their hits/killings. For example: For each building they take down they'll get 500 points, for every enemy tank/craft they'll get 400 points. But for every American Soldier killed they'll lose 1,000 points, every British Soldier they'll lose 500 points, and for every Iraqi civilian killed they'll lose 5 points. "We're excited to have another allie on our side," George W. Bush interrupted an episode of Becker to tell everyone, "and yes, I think I did misspell allie, I'm so stupid not only do I mispronounce things while I talk, I'm some how manage to misspell them too." Bob Saget is excited to take on the job as host. "It's so great FOX chose me to host, I didn't think anyone even remembered who I was," Bob Saget said to a group of journalists who stared blankly at him, "I was Danny Tanner... from Full House... the show that's rerun on TBS between two episodes of Family Matters," the press continued to stare at him, confused, "Oh well, no matter. It's still better than the job at Blockbuster I've been doing the last couple of months. Oh crap! I forgot to ask Mr. Hartwell for the week off that's being recorded, I got to go!" The show is being filmed now, but most likely won't air until May, because that's sweeps.

Bob Saget stands in front of some dead guy, just happy to be on TV

Labels: bob sagget, fox, iraq, reality tv

¶ 8:21:00 AM 0 Comments

Pizza Hut officially out bid Long John Silvers and Tampax earlier today to become the main sponsor of the war. For here on out the war will be known as "Pizza Hut Presents Operation Iraqi Freedom." Although Pizza Hut will be the main sponsor other parts of the war will receive they're own special sponsorship. The crappy video from the videophones will be brought to you by Real Video player. The Bombs will be brought to you by the movie Willard (because it bombed, get it.. hah hah). And the missiles will be brought to you by Penal Enlargement clinics.

Labels: iraq, pizza hut

¶ 8:32:00 AM 0 Comments

"Well we're split 50/50 right now. Half of us think him. But the other half is just not convinced," Pentagon spokesman Jake Propaganda told us, "The other half doesn't exist because it's not possible to have more than two halves in a whole. But if we could have a third half we'd probably make them out to get us some pizza, I'm starving."

Whether it was real or not it was enough to rally the people of Iraq to dance in the streets for the eighteenth time this week. The only evidence torture that seems obvious so far against the civilians of Iraq, is his ability to make them dance like idiots.

Here's the evidence the CIA has presented to the public on why the video may be fake. The picture at right below shows a still from the latest video along with letters pointing to different spots. The letters correspond to those on the left with why these spots are of interest.

A) Mustache Wax used appears to be different brand than normal

B) Who wears a turtleneck in the desert

C) Sorry, I forgot to draw a line from C... I'm not sure what that was for

D) Microphone used is a Sony, not Hussein's favorite, Casio.

E) Pocket doesn't contain Camel Cigarettes, the type many experts believe Hussein would use if he smoked.

F) This line of Red may be blood. Perhaps from being shot. And as you know, the real Hussein was bombed not shot.

Labels: iraq, saddam hussein

¶ 8:29:00 AM 0 Comments

People gathered from around America last Saturday in New York City to protest the Joe Millionaire verdict. Protest organizers estimated that there was about 500,000 in attendance while cops said they didn't care.

It was cold, it was wet, it actually was kind of stupid, but that didn't stop the protesters from coming out.

"Well, the fact is it's time Evan Marriot heard our voice," said one protester who held a sign reading 'Pick Me Joe,' "He clearly should of chose Sara instead of Zora."

"He should of picked the girl with the bigger boobies," said a construction worker who joined the march, "the fact that he picked the frump is a disgrace to construction workers everywhere."

The group marched up times square before getting lost.

"We could of swore FOX studios were around here somewhere," said one confused guy.

The protesters finally wound up at NBC studios in Rockefeller Center and decided that it was close enough.

"They're such morons," said Conan O' Brien looking from the window of his G.E. building, "how can anyone be that dumb. Except for my fans of course." Conan then began to dance like an idiot and make weird high pitched "ow" noises for about an hour or two.

"They all look about the age of Joe Millionaire to me," said one on looker who was urinating on a near by mailbox, "they're probably just afraid of commitment."

At the end of it all Evan Marriot finally responded only by saying, "I understand what they're saying, but I respectfully disagree."

But, since it's a decision that doesn't directly affect all those protesting, he has all the right to make it without listening to them. Now, if it was a far more serous decision, and that many people protested, no one in their right mind would just write it off.... right?

Labels: iraq, joe millioniare, new york, reality tv

¶ 8:39:00 AM 0 Comments