Makes me proud of our leader.
Labels: george bush
¶ 9:11:00 AM
Will he talk about the Iraq war? Probably! How about that cash reward coming in May for doing nothing? Sure! Perhaps he might mention the high cost of gas? He might! And, will he say anything about 9/11? Only if Giullani hasn't used up all the references already!
But beyond that here are some more things we might be able to look forward to in tonights speech:
In an immediate effort to prevent a recession, Bush makes it rain cash!
John McCain jumps the gun and delivers the address instead!
Bush skips the address and instead decides to watch American Gladiators instead (his favorite is Wolf!) on his new Cars TV. Hey, Bush! You have to turn the TV around to watch it! You silly old man!
Labels: american gladiators, george bush, john mccain, rudy giullani
¶ 8:37:00 AM 
Some cried. Some rejoiced. Some were too shocked to say how they were. Most vomited and then stuck their head in the oven. But all felt some kind of feeling or took some kind of action when the news was learned yesterday that George W. Bush had be reelected president.
"Why? Why? Why the hell does God hate us so much," one teary eyed 5 year girl was able to say between crying spats.
Today, the day after the 2008 presidential elections have left everyone shocked including the president himself.
"I just want to say how shocked and happy I am, but my vocabulary and speaking skills are good enough for me to do so," Bush told us through his World of Warcraft avatar during a recent wizard raid through the secret woods of Magiclot.
But the shock didn't end there. Dick Cheney suffered 82 heart attacks, and the predicted winning ticket of Obama & Marmaduke were equally dismayed.
"I thought America wanted change," Obama shouted from the edge of a tall building, "I knew I shouldn't of bought into this fad of cartoon dogs for running mates."
So how could such a thing happen? Turns out it was those pesky Diebold voting machines are to blame.
"It seems we forgot to unrig them after the 2004 election," Diebold spokesman Joe Orsulak told us just moments before being lynched by an angry mob, "Our bad."
So it looks like it'll be business as usual for the next four years. Meanwhile the official Republican ticket is already talking 2012.
"In four years we are confident, that America will be ready for Huckabee & Odie."
Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, george bush, joe orsulak, marmaduke, mike huckabee
¶ 9:53:00 AM 
In the flipping flopping world of international intelligence another sub chapter has emerged. On Monday President Bush showed proof that Iran is indeed developing Nuclear Weapons in the form of a text message from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."You liberal thinkers are thinking to liberally," Bush told a crowd of reporters and, for some reason, his toy Furby, "but here in my hand I have proof. Proof that Iran is indeed not only making WMD, but already have said WMD."
This statement confused the room of reporters since the only thing anyone saw Bush holding was the Furby. Even the Furby looked a tad confused. But then Bush raised his other hand to show his Sidekick phone and the room of reporters, and the Furby, suddenly returned to their normal state of confusion.*
"Here, on my sidekick I have a text from one of my "five", Mr. Ahmanin.. omahaw.. ahmandijoin.. the Iran president."
Bush then held out his phone. The room fell silent. Since no one could read the phone since it was very far away from anyone to be able to read anything off the screen. Also, every reporter in the room was, as usual, at least the age of 92 years old and most likely didn't even know what a "sidekick" was. One reporter in the back was heard to mutter, "That's a sidekick? Eh, it's no Ed McMann."
After a few hours of silence one reporter finally fessed up that no one knew what was going on and Bush revealed to the sleepy crowd what the text message said:
"ur so dum. Ive WMD! I Win, u Lose."
Still, no one knew what was going on. But still, reporters rushed out to print "the truth" while MSNBC and FOX News pulled random teenagers off the street, dubbing them "Texting Experts", asking them for their professional insight on live TV.
Democracy lives on...
*There's always some confusion at press conferences at the White House. Reasons for this include the vaudeville act performed by cabinet members Robert Gates and Carlos Guiterrez beforehand to warm up the crowd and the 5 foot tall poster for Small Wonder that hangs outside in the hallway.
Labels: george bush, iran, texting, wmd
¶ 9:12:00 AM 
Labels: george bush, nsa
¶ 9:37:00 AM 
Labels: caveman, george bush, google, pc
¶ 11:03:00 AM 
Hello folks!I will be soon be departing for another hiatus for about a week. Sorry to disappoint all my loyal followers. Anywho, to help make this time apart less traumatic I've decided to share with you some MP3s I've had hanging around the warehouse. Enjoy friends!
You can click on the little speaker next to each title to play the song, or just right click and choose "Save as" to save the song to your computer. For those of you on macs without a two button mouse you know what to do... and get a second button you crazy people!
Back To The Future - This was my attempt to make a techno/disco version of the Back To The Future Song.
Toxic - Since the beginning of Britney Spears's career cheesegod.com has been trying to bring her down, and judging by the events of her life over the last year or two, I think it's safe to say we succeeded. This was my attempt to improve one of her songs. While I'm not going as far as to say this version is good, I'll definitely says it's better than her version.
Cosby VS The Simpsons - Back in 1990 there was much controversy when FOX decided to move The Simpsons from Sundays to Thursdays against The Cosby Show. I did not make this song, it's from Z100. The only thing I had to do with this song is that I happen to find it on an old audio cassette of mine, as is evident by it's lo-fi sound.
George Bush - A song made from speeches by George Bush during his 1988 reelection campaign. This is also from Z100. Don't let the last two songs fool you, Z100 sucked back then and sucks even more now.
Yankee Ad - Consider this that extra on the DVD that no one will ever watch, but they put it there anyway so you feel like you're getting more bang for your buck. This is the music I composed in about 3 seconds with Garage Band in 2004 for the Yankees/Visa Ad spoof on this website.
Enjoy the music! I'll see you all in a week or so!
Labels: back to the future, britney spears, george bush, mp3, music, simpsons, yankess
¶ 1:36:00 PM 
George W. Bush crashed his bicycle earlier today into a cop in Scotland. Bush suffered some scrapes on his hands and needed to be bandaged. The poor cop was taken to the hospital (although the injuries are apparently nothing too severe). The white house has blamed the crash on rain. The image on the right is an artist rendering of what the crash may have looked like.
This is the second time in as many years that Bush has crashed his bike. Last year he suffered abrasions to his chin, upper lip, nose, right hand and both knees when he crashed on his ranch in Texas.
Labels: bike, george bush, police, scotland
¶ 8:36:00 AM
Of course his father, George H.W. Bush, couldn't be prouder. And how does any father reward their son for good work?
With a trip to Chuck E. Cheese of course! Here's the photos for the celebration:
George getting excited as they arrive:
George plays in the ball pit.
George losing at Air Hockey...
...to this child.
And of course what trip wouldn't be complete without George meeting his hero:
Note: In case you are wondering why Bush is wearing about three different outfits in these pictures, the answer is simple. He arrived in a suit, but got pizza sauce on it. Luckily the president always keeps a emergency tux in case of a last minute formal. However, after the other kids starting calling him 'Mr. Fancy Pants,' he changed again, this time into his emergency 'got to pretend to work on a farm to make me appeal to the common man' outfit.
Labels: air hockey, chuck e. cheese, george bush
¶ 10:30:00 AM 
The national symbol, the bald eagle, has announced he stepping down from his post under George W. Bush.
The bald eagle declined to comment directly, but inside sources say the eagle plans to spend more time with his family now. He also plans to play his role in helping to get out of that whole endangered thing.
Bush is currently considering his dog Buddy and Spongbob Squarepants as possible replacements.
Labels: buddy, eagle, george bush, spongebob
¶ 1:22:00 PM 
Dick Cheney found himself in the hospital with his 63rd Heart Attack in as many years Saturday after finally learning the truth about this months election.
It seems Cheney and his fellow minions had plotted for months for ways to rig the presidental election. From mailing out fictatious flyers, to warning blacks not to vote, to rigging those electronic polling machines, to bashing people's knees caps who weren't white men when they approached the polls in Ohio. Cheney thought he had sealed up the election for Bush & Co.
And everything went to plan... or so he thought. Yeah, sure, they won the election. But it was only Saturday morning someone told Cheney the truth.
Those flyers didn't work. Blacks voted anyway. They forgot to bash kneecaps. And the Bush team doesn't even know there's only one Internet nonetheless know how to rig a voting machine. Yes, against all odds, Bush won the election fairly.
This would be enough to shock anyone, but Cheney on his fifth baboon heart replacement went into instant cardiac arrest.
Democrats are already crying foul, claiming Bush is just trying to upstage Arafat. Democrats also still don't believe the election wasn't rigged. Their only argument is, "Look at him! He's a f*cking moron! Who'd the hell would vote for him." Which is a pretty valid argument.
Labels: dick cheney, george bush, knee caps
¶ 1:28:00 PM 
After 51% of America announced to the rest of the world they're mentally retarded, the second term, first time elected, president spoke publicly about his plans for the future.
Kerry woke up yesterday morning to the realization that America was too worried about two dudes kissing to care about logic, he made the general "battle is lost, but the war is not over" speech. Bush, who always knew he'd win because Dick Cheney told him so, wasted no time continuing to make a fool of himself, telling the American public he was elected with a Mandate (in which you need 55% of the vote for). He also expressed concern over Illionois electing "Obama Sin Laden" to the senate.
Bush called a press conference and happily announced his plans for the future. Here are the highlights:
· Wars against Iran, Kuwait, France, North East America, and Melmac. Bush said he would not invade N. Korea because after the WWII stories his dad told him, he's afraid of the Japanese.
· Reinstate the Draft. All men between the ages of 16 to 59 will be forced to join the army and fight someone or other. Bush insisted this isn't a flip-flop, when he said there would be no draft he was referring to his bedroom, where he just finally had the windows shut.
· A Quadrillian Dollar Deficit. Because he wants to see what they'll do when they run out of space on the counters in New York City.
· 90% tax cut for the rich. It's trickle down economics at work.
· To read all the way through The Monster At The End Of This Book.
· Sleep, sit around, whatever...
When the press asked Bush what he thought American's would say about these plans, Bush responded, "What the hell do I care? What are they going to do? Not vote for me?" Bush then got in his new "Presidential Bike" and rode off to Chuck-E-Cheese where he spent the rest of the day.
Meanwhile Kerry ripped off his lucky red tie, his lucky Boston Red Sox cap, and removed his lucky Springsteen guitar pick from his pocket and yelled at them; "You've betrayed me for the last time!" He then took a dump in a paper bag, set it on fire, and left it on John O' Neil's door step.
Labels: alf, barack obama, george bush, john kerry
¶ 1:31:00 PM 
26 | Number of Times Bush to blame 9/11 for his problems |
2 | Amount of times Bush expected to chuckle when Kerry calls him a "Master Debator" |
8 | The amount of toes on Kerry's right foot |
31 | Amount of times Bush will use 9/11 to justify being reelected |
| 3 | How many people will find something on this site amusing |
| 536 | Amount of times Bush will call Kerry a 'Flip Flopper' |
| 1 | How Many times Kerry will defend himself against Bush |
| None | How many balls John Kerry has |
| 201,054 | How many words will avoid using because he can't pronounce them |
| 29 | How many years ago the Vietnam War ended |
| 11 | The percentage of people that will base their vote on the Vietnam war |
| 1 | How many times Bush will use 9/11 to justify getting Dan Rather fired (he's a very confused little boy) |
3 | How many times Kerry's wife will make him plug Heinz ketchup during the debate |
| 2486 | The amount of lies Dick Cheney will tell |
| 2487 | The amount of lies the American people will beileve |
| 0 | How many things that will be accomplished tonight |
Labels: 2004 election, debates, george bush, john kerry
¶ 4:46:00 PM 
Governor Swartzenegger demonstrates ways to fight terrorists.
Michael Moore is beheaded by GOP militants.
Bush wets his pants...
Labels: Arnold Swartzenegger, george bush, GOP, michael moore
¶ 5:04:00 PM 
George W. Bush is retaliating against Michael Moore after years of silence. He's fighting fire with fire by releasing his own movie as revealed in a White House press conference.
"The president has been working non-stop for the last couple of days on this movie," Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters.
"Last couple of days?" questioned one reporter, "Shouldn't he be working on finding a solution to all these bombs and deaths in Iraq?"
"The president is working because he feels it's important for the country," McClellan responded.
"But isn't there more important things to work on," asked another reporter, "Like the job economy, homeland defense, or even his presidential campaign?"
"The president feels this movie is important, and that is why he is working on it."
It went on like that for an hour or two... I don't know... I got bored and left to use the bathroom and when I returned everyone had mysteriously vanished. Although after a couple of minutes I realized I returned to the wrong room on accident and the press conference was still going on in the correct room. But this new room had one of those old 'Magic Eye' pictures in it and that kept me busy until my mom came to pick me up.
So far Bush's film consists of crude drawings of Michael Moore by the president himself, most featuring stink lines, and the music video for "We built this City (on Rock N' Roll) because Bush think it's a "bitchin'" song.
He had also found footage of Moore eating out of a trash can, but it has been revealed to just be a partially shaved bear wearing a baseball cap.
Labels: george bush, jefferson airplane, michael moore, scott mcclellan
¶ 5:18:00 PM 
With the death of former 'butt of jokes' Ronald Reagan, many across the nation are saddened. Jodie Foster isn't one of them. She's impressed.
"I am so impressed," Foster said to someone, I guess.
With this news John Hinckley has been released from the psychiatric hospital he was being held.
"I guess he really was trying to impress Jodie Foster. He was sane the whole time," a doctor told us.
Hinckley is said to be doing well on his own. His first act as a free man was to purchase 32 copies of 'Catcher On The Rye' and was last seen giving free back massages to Fire Hydrants.
"Do you think Tony Danza would be impressed if I bit George W.?" Hinckley asked us as we were trying to casually walk by without being noticed.
Meanwhile Reagan's corpse is taking a nation wide tour. He is currently on display in LA and will be stopping at about a dozen more venues including a pair of sold out shows at Irving Plaza in NYC.
Copies of Star Wars on VHS have also gone up in value.
Labels: george bush, jodie foster, john hinckley, ronald reagan, star wars, tony danza
¶ 8:40:00 AM 
The new FCC regulations went into affect yesterday, providing each TV station a list of words that can not be said over the air. Unfortunately two of those words are the presidents and vice presidents last and first names respectively.
Both George W.'s last name and Mr. Cheney's first name have been ruled too dirty to say on TV. News reporters are becoming increasingly confused on how to handle the situation. To get around the restrictions new reporters and started referring to the duo as George W. LadyArea and ManStem Cheney.
These latest FCC regulations of course have all emerged from the Janet Jackson debacle, which despite her best efforts have not helped her record sales. It hasn't helped the fact that her music sucks too.
Labels: dick cheney, fcc, fox, george bush
¶ 12:05:00 PM Weapons of Mass Destruction Found On Ebay
The search is over! After weeks of grilling Saddam Hussein, he has finally
unveiled where he has put the weapons of mass destruction. eBay!
Pentagon official celebrated as they entered the words "weapons of mass
destruction" into the ebay search box and did indeed come up with the desired
result.
"It was right there the whole time," Donald Rumsfeild told us, "I had my 11
year old nephew do up a search and it was right there. Between postings for a
"President Bush is the weapon of Mass Destruction" bumper sticker and a gay
porno video called "Weapons of Mass Intrusion."
Asked if the white house planned on bidding on the item, Rumsfeild responded no.
Apparently the White House's Paypal budget has already been spent for the year
by Bush on a Alf sock puppet.
Mr. Rumsfeild told us not worry though because the current high bidder in some
guy named "Al Keida" and that once he wins the item America will just bomb his
house and "free" the people that reside within.
Related stories:
Experts suspect latest Hussein tape may not be real
Hussein Responsible for deaths of Tupac and Biggie
Osama depressed
101 Uses for the Harry Potter Book
They Call Me Your Mom
Labels: Donald Rumsfeild, eBay, george bush, iraq, islanders, saddam hussein
¶ 1:07:00 PM Bush Accidentally Visits Iraq for Thanksgiving
|  The turkey with a fake turkey |
Labels: george bush, iraq, santa claus, thankgiving, Turkey
¶ 1:12:00 PM George Bush announced yesterday that he gave The War on Iraq three thumbs up on TiVo, showing how much he loves the war.
|  Three thumbs up is more than a man can do, cause he only has two thumbs. |
Labels: george bush, iraq, tivo
¶ 10:17:00 AM Click here to watch!
Labels: 2000 election, al gore, george bush
¶ 11:30:00 AM 
