Kerry woke up yesterday morning to the realization that America was too worried about two dudes kissing to care about logic, he made the general "battle is lost, but the war is not over" speech. Bush, who always knew he'd win because Dick Cheney told him so, wasted no time continuing to make a fool of himself, telling the American public he was elected with a Mandate (in which you need 55% of the vote for). He also expressed concern over Illionois electing "Obama Sin Laden" to the senate.

Bush called a press conference and happily announced his plans for the future. Here are the highlights:

· Wars against Iran, Kuwait, France, North East America, and Melmac. Bush said he would not invade N. Korea because after the WWII stories his dad told him, he's afraid of the Japanese.

· Reinstate the Draft. All men between the ages of 16 to 59 will be forced to join the army and fight someone or other. Bush insisted this isn't a flip-flop, when he said there would be no draft he was referring to his bedroom, where he just finally had the windows shut.

· A Quadrillian Dollar Deficit. Because he wants to see what they'll do when they run out of space on the counters in New York City.

· 90% tax cut for the rich. It's trickle down economics at work.

· To read all the way through The Monster At The End Of This Book.

· Sleep, sit around, whatever...

When the press asked Bush what he thought American's would say about these plans, Bush responded, "What the hell do I care? What are they going to do? Not vote for me?" Bush then got in his new "Presidential Bike" and rode off to Chuck-E-Cheese where he spent the rest of the day.

Meanwhile Kerry ripped off his lucky red tie, his lucky Boston Red Sox cap, and removed his lucky Springsteen guitar pick from his pocket and yelled at them; "You've betrayed me for the last time!" He then took a dump in a paper bag, set it on fire, and left it on John O' Neil's door step.

Labels: alf, barack obama, george bush, john kerry

¶ 1:31:00 PM 0 Comments

Hollywood morned the death of yet another celebrity as beloved actor Alf died earlier today after choking on a cat. Alf is best remembered playing an alien on the 80s sitcom sharing his name. Popularity of the sitcom soared, but Alf's uncontrolled addiction to Garbage Pail Kids caused him to take an early exit after just 4 seasons. The show was retooled with Henry Winkler taking over as the lead, but failed to retain viewers. After cleaning up and going straight in the '90s Alf still had a hard time finding work. He went on to star in a series of porno movies with moderate success. Finaly, after no longer being able to get work even in adult films, Alf sunk to his lowest, starring in series of long distance telephone commercials with fellow loser Mike Piazza. Alf's, whose full name was Alfred Slovanowich, death has not been ruled as a suicide as many suspected or hoped. Now that he's dead, The Hallmark channel announced it will begin showing ALF now twice a day since it no longer has to pay royalties. There will be a small funeral at the McDonalds on 5th and 42nd st. in NYC followed by the flushing of ALF down a toliet.

Alf, dead!

Labels: alf, garbage pail kids, henry winkler, mcdonalds

¶ 6:12:00 PM 0 Comments

Labels: alf, circuit city, video games

¶ 6:17:00 PM 0 Comments