Plagued by the decline of intelligence of the people in the United States, Border's Books has announced they're dropping books from their stock.
"They're just taking up valuable space from the CDs, DVDs, and puppy calendars," we were told by Border's stock boy, Steve Guttenburg, who we suspect is the very same person who starred in the Police Academy movies, just older... and more pathetic (if possible) now.
Border's will still cary books-on-tape because they're the only type of book that doesn't require reading.
"I try reading a book, but after the first page I'm bored to tears. Like I really care what a character may be thinking or feeling," books-on-tape advocate Tony Catsup told us.
Some however fear this is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society.
"This is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society," some person whose good for us simple Arrested Development fans. (NOTE: I just reread this article I had typed almost 3 years ago. I have no idea what this last sentence means, or was suppose to mean. Oh well. -ED 9/19/07)
Some books will still be sold just for novelty purposes. People will be able to buy them so they can put them on their shelves so they will look sophisticated to those who visit them.
Border's will also use some of it's now bookless space for it's new MP3-on-DVDs.
"We're not sure what a MP3-on-DVD is, but it's got both DVD and MP3 in the name. And that's what the kids are into these days. That and GameBoy... and Pokemon... Or is that still cool?," Guttenburg told us, "Is it? Hello? Are you listening to what I'm saying? I'm asking you aquestion? Can you stop writing what I'm saying for one second and tell me if pokemon still popular. Why are you even still writing what I'm saying for anyway? It's not like you're going to put any of this in your article!"
Labels: books, borders, dvd, Gameboy, mp3, Pokemon, steve guttenburg
¶ 1:15:00 PM
Mel Gibson finally apologized about the contents of his movie, "The Passion of The Christ," on Wednesday. It seems in between all the extreme, brutal, graphic scenes of Jesus getting the crap beet out of him, his privates accidentally became public.
"At no time did I mean to portray Jesus is this fashion," Gibson told us from a church where he was peddling his movie, "As always in the catholic church, it should be all violence and no nudity."
Parents expressed complaints after viewing the film, saying they had to quickly cover their child's eyes when the nudity appeared without warning after a more appropriate scene of Jesus having the flesh ripped off his back.
"I don't see why I should have to explain to my daughter what 'that thing' is," a concerned mother told as while leaving a theater showing the film, "The movie was beautiful otherwise, especially the detail of realistic bone breaking when they nailed him to the cross. Just beautiful."
It seemed children were traumatized by the event, as one teenage boy told us.
"That movie was awesome. I liked the part where the guy tore his arm out of his socket so they could nail it to that big 'T' easier," he told us, "But that nudity was disgusting. They should of had some naked chicks, that's be awesome. It also should of been in English. Reading sucks."
Gibson said that the DVD would have an option to watch it without the offending scene. He said the DVD would also contain an extra two hours of scenes including Jesus getting pine cones stuck up his bottom, which was cut due to time constraint. It will also come in a keep-sake trapper case.
Labels: dvd, jesus, mel gibson, passion of the christ
¶ 11:02:00 AM 
Ericson announced the first cell phone to have a DVD player in it last Friday.
"It is so exciting," exclaimed Paul Ericson, some guy who I assume had to do with Ericson phones seeing as their names matched and he was talking about one of their stupid phones, "finally Americans can watch movies on their cell phone."
The DVD feature will enable people on the go to watch movies. Car drivers will be aloud to watch DVDs too, as long as they don't use their hands.
Unfortunately a bug in the design has caused the phone unable to make calls at any time.
"We don't think it's a big deal that the phone can't make calls," said Ericson, "very few people buy cell phones to make calls. They buy them for the games, organizer, crazy ring tones, and most importantly, to look cool."
Look for the phone on shelves this month.
Labels: cell phones, dvd
¶ 8:43:00 AM 
