So lets see here. Back in the '90s Pepsi was advertising that their soft drink was the choice of a new generation. Now, apparently, abstinence is the choice of a new generation.
I assume this means that kids these are not getting any. Meanwhile us kids from the last generation are not only getting action, but are enjoying a can of Pepsi while we do. Wow, our generation kicks this generation's ass.
Labels: abstinence, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:29:00 AM
This past weekend I got to experience the thrill of the Long Island Balloon and Music Festival. The local papers pointed out the fact that this was the first time Long Island had the pleasure of hosting a balloon festival in five years. Reading that, us Long Islanders translated that as "You better go to the festival, because they're rare." But perhaps we should instead of taken the fact as maybe their had not been a balloon show in 5 years was for a reason.After the hour long drive in ever increasing traffic we were ushered into a dead end street that had been poorly converted into an entrance to an airport runway turned parking lot. After reading signs leading up the end of the road that still read "Dead End," I wondered if the street was still really a dead end, and every car in car in front of me was just driving off a cliff and we were just following like lemmings (or at least like lemmings being pushed off a cliff by a Disney Film crew). But instead at the end of the road we found a rolled back chain fence and a pile of sand that was suppose to be a road circling oddly around trees. But no one minded, now their was finally a point to owning that big ass SUV on Long Island!
After the sand road we came to a gravel made substance that could pass for an actual road. Here we were led by lethargic volunteers in reflective vests to a grass field that was apparently now a parking lot. Again everyone happily drove around on the grass with their Hummers grinning stupidly no doubt thinking, "This must be what it's like to be in Iraq!"
But the fun of the parking lot didn't end there, because the grass field, er... parking lot, was conveniently located a good mile from the actual festival. But no need to worry about having to actually participate in the barbaric act of walking, because school buses were available to shuttle us back and forth. Along the ride on the shuttle I couldn't help but think about my Disney World last year and the monorail and ferries that would take you back and forth from the parking lot to the Magic Kingdom. Somehow it seemed fitting to me that the Magic Kingdom would have the monorail and Long Island would have an old broken down school bus.
Now one could surmise that after such an experience of just getting to the festival, only one of two things could be expected. Either it'd be great, and worth every ounce of trouble it took to get there, or, and of course what actually happened, the festival would suck equally.
You know those fairs they use to hold in the old Caldor's parking lot for one weekend a year? The ones with the rides that would squeak as you rode them and the carnival games that were so crooked you thought it must be part of the NBA referee's union. Well, this came pretty close to that glory. Of course those local fairs didn't charge you $25 to enter, nor did they charge you $4 for a 20oz bottle of cola.
Oh yes, the soda was quite expensive, as was every other type of food or beverage for sale on the grounds. I suppose they knew exactly what they were doing. Once we went through all that driving through traffic, sludging through sand, parking on grass, riding on cramped school buses, their was really nowhere to escape to if you wanted food, not easily anyway. They lure us in with the promise of perty balloons, and they rob us of all our cash.
Speaking of balloons, notice I have not mentioned any of those beautiful masses of colourful floating amazement? Good reason for that. See, there were none. Not a one, well their was one on it's side that, for $2, you climb around inside. Every so often we'd see a helium balloon floating away that escaped from some little kid and someone jokingly would point to and say, "Look, there's a balloon." The repeating of this joke throughout the day turned from mildly funny, to a sad reminder of the fact that it really might be the only balloon we'd see that day.
Then there was the music part of the "Balloon & Music Festival." And what was this music you might ask? Well, there was some radio stations on the scene playing their current on air music loudly. Something I never experience at home, of course the reason being is that listening to radio stations is more outdated than the stand-up comedy on the show Bananas.
After sludging around in the unbearable heat for what seemed like 4 hours, but may have very well have been much shorter, like 3 hours 52 minutes, we found relief at an abandoned booth for mystic candles. Here we found chairs to sit and shade to sit under, that, along with anything of interest or amusement, was all that was missing.
After hanging out hanging out in this psychic tent for a while, hoping someone would ask for a psychic reading so we'd have something to do, a miracle occurred. Off in the distance an AT&T logo appeared! No it wasn't the iPhone fairy, but an actual hot air balloon! We ran over to the balloon, as it filled up with air suddenly more balloons appeared nearby. Soon the logos for Mayflower, Curves, Target, Cablevision, and of course Remax appeared on balloons all around us. It happened 4 hours after we arrived, but it happened. One half of the Balloon and Music promise had been fulfilled.
Then from the speakers and jumbotron located at a nearby stage, the music of Pat Benatar filled the air. Granted, it was pretty lousy music from an artist who hasn't had a hit since Cop Rock was on the air, but it was still music, real music!
We watched as each balloon filled with air and then floated away... never coming back. Seriously, once a balloon was ready to go it either stood there for a while and then either deflated and was put away, or it'd float away and never come back. Where did they go? Nobody knows. There were theories. Some thought that they floated up to the sun to burn away, while other surmised that they were probably going to a better balloon festival.
Once Benetar launched into "Love is a Battlefield" as part of her first encore we knew it was time to go. We headed towards the shuttle buses, waved goodbye to the Energizer bunny balloon, patted ourselves on the back for a day well spent, and then vowed to never come back again.
Labels: balloons, iphone, long island, music, pat benetar, soda
¶ 9:34:00 PM ¶ 3:04:00 PM
Labels: dr. pepper, soda
¶ 11:34:00 AM 
Conclusion: When are they bringing back Mountain Dew Live Wire?
Labels: cosby, jazz, mountain dew, pepsi, simpsons, soda, surge
¶ 1:00:00 PM 
Terror spread through the people of New York City again when terrorists once again unleashed an attack on the streets of Manhattan... kind of.
Using instructions that can be found on such terrorist friendly websites like youtube, terrorists were able to make an horrendous combination of Mentos and Diet Coke to cause an “explosion” of soda foam.
“Well, the streets kind of got a little sticky I suppose,” terror victim Joe Orsulak told us, “But then again the streets are always kind of sticky around here.
Officials took instant measure by banning all liquids and mints from the city of New York, even though only diet sodas can cause this “explosion”.
“It can't hurt anyone to be too safe,” Mayor Bloomberg told us from his new solid gold throne he had built in Times Square, “if the banning of liquids proves to unsuccessful in stopping these attacks, we will simply have to ban people as well.”
Many New Yorkers passed out and and to be hospitalized due to dehydration causing some to question the liquid ban. Bloomberg and other government officials simply waved them off saying they were “unpatriotic, flag burning, Al Queida loving liberals.”
“I don't really see what the big deal is,” onlooker Craig Montana shrugged, “You could pretty much get the same effect by turning on a garden hose.”
Labels: bloomberg, coke, mentos, nyc, soda, terrorists
¶ 3:48:00 PM But on this day Coca-cola has agents with coolers handing out free 20oz bottles of their latest diet soda, Coke Zero.
For those of you, who don’t know what exactly Coke Zero is, welcome to the club. I assumed it was just an attempt for Coke to outdo Pepsi One. I imagined that Pepsi would soon release a drink called Pepsi Negative One. This soda does not only have no calories, but would somehow actually remove one from your body upon drinking it. Unfortunately, for Pepsi anyway, Coke has beaten them to that too. They have announced they will be releasing a soda within the year that will actually burn about 50 calories when you drink it by speeding up your metabolism. Perhaps this time the soda will contain speed instead of cocaine.
Unfortunately, until that’s released, we’re stuck with Coke Zero. As mall patrons grabbed as much free soda as they could, some began to actually drink the beverage. The results were devastating.
The taste was horrible. People everywhere started cringing, slightly pulling their head back while making a frowning face. Some ventured tried to continue drinking, not wanting to waste a free drink. But ultimately the two-thirds full bottles began finding their way into trash cans… the floor… thrown on top of displays inside the mall… and anywhere else you could think of.
When one elderly man was stopped at the entrance of a store that did not allow food inside, he without hesitation threw the drink in a nearby trash can and grumbled, “It’s okay, the stuff tastes like crap anyway, no wonder they’re giving it away for free.”
Labels: coke zero, pepsi, soda
¶ 1:27:00 PM 
After years of trying to get a grip on those huge overweight Coke cans a relief
is finally in sight! Coke is introducing the 5oz coke can!
By reducing the size of their current coke size from 12 ounces by 58% the can is
much lighter and easier to hold.
"I was always having a hard time holding the current size can," Coke paid
exsignifiacant MLB player Cal Ripken Jr. to tell us, "I could never drink from
them because I feared I would strain the fingers on my throwing hand and have to
sit out a game. If we had these new cans while I played I could have gone
another 2000 games."
The best part is that Coke was able to lower the size without changing the price.
Scientists had to work around the clock to figure out how to succeed with such a
feet, but in the end were able to pull it out.
The new Coke cans should be on store shelves by the end of the month right
between the 1.5 liter Coke bottles and the same priced, but larger sized, Pepsi
items.
Labels: baseball, cal ripken jr, coke, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:35:00 AM 
In a year that saw Pepsi and Coke introduce 82 new soda flavors, including Vanilla Coke, Live Wire Mountain Dew, Toothpaste flavor Dr. Pepper, Cookies and Onion Pepsi, nothing has changed. Coke is still number one, Pepsi number two.
Pepsi, sick of being second instead of one, decided they had little choice but to introduce the inevitable:
Coke flavored Pepsi
The new soda, which will only currently be released on a limited basis during the fall to stores with employees named frank, is Pepsi's latest desperate move to overthrow the Coke kingdom.
The soda, named Pepsi: Coke, is advertised as "The Coke flavored soda for a new generation." It is already being advertised on Spike TV and during repeats of Friends. The ads feature a group of dinosaurs drinking coke, who are destroyed by a giant meteor with the Pepsi logo on it when it lands on top of them.
This is just the latest Pepsi knockoff of a coke product. Wild cherry Pepsi came from Cherry Coke, Pepsi Vanilla came from Vanilla Coke, Sierra Mist came from 7-UP, Crystal Pepsi came from Urine found behind a building.
Experts agree however that this new Pepsi: Coke will do little to help sales. "People don't buy Coke because they like it's taste, that would be stupid," Tip Danzig, Professor of Soda related Studies at Suffolk Community college told us in a lesbian chatroom, "they buy it cause it has a red label... and it has Santa on it during Christmas time. And how can you turn down Santa?"
There was also plans to release a Tab flavored Pepsi, but that was decided to be "just dumb."
Soft drink drinkers will have another reason to drink their soft drinks this summer. Pepsi plans to incorporate online capabilities in their soda cans.
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Labels: joe orsulak, pepsi, soda
¶ 8:34:00 AM 
