Last year was the 8-bit tie, a piece of neck wear designed to look good enough for Mario. Fortunately I wasn't the only one who marveled at the prospect of such a nice piece of clothing, as Think Geek after being bombarded with email actually made it into a real item. Unfortunately, the real item was made rather shoddy and mine fell apart. I need to acquire some mad sewing skills or actually take it to a trailor where I'm sure they'll laugh me out of existence.
This year, though, Think Geek outdid themselves introducing the latest video game oddity from Japan, Super Pii Pii Brothers for the Nintendo Wii. You see, in this game... well let's just let the YouTube do the talking:
Yes, this just might be the most awesome game of all time, besides Superman 64 of course. But unless Think Geek gets into video game programing it will never be. Oh, the sadness of it all.
Labels: nintendo, think geek
¶ 9:41:00 PM
Then E3 came. What does Nintendo announce? You can do push-ups! Holy crap! How can us consumers resist plunking down our hard earned cash so we can exercise?
WiiFit is a new "game" that will make you work out and monitor your progress through the magic of a new add-on that Nintendo is calling the balance board. The Wii Balance board resembles a scale in appearance, but besides being able to just tell you your fat it also has built in sensors to keep track of your balance. Keeping track of this balance data in real time allows your Wii to make sure your doing the exercise they tell you to do, and not just sitting around eating left over cottage cheese watching reruns of Drexel's Class as usual.
Of course if you ask me, the Wii Balance board is just an updated version of the Powerpad from 20 years ago. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the powerpad was called the Family Trainer in Japan, and was even called Family Fun Fitness for brief times in the USA.
Nintendo also proudly displayed the WiiZapper, a $20 piece of plastic that'll hold the Wii controller together so somewhat resembles rifle or something. If guns aren't your bag, then you might want to try the WiiWheel, a plastic steering wheel that'll hold your Wii controller. Both of these new products are about as exciting as watching justin.tv.
Of course Nintendo has new Mario, Metriod, and Smash Brothers games coming out this year, and announced a new Mario Kart for early next year. This is comparable to when movie theatres saw Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek the third, and Spider-Man 3 all come out in the same month, with the new Harry Potter just around the corner. When you got that many big titles out at once, it's not surprising a few other announcements with fade into the background. Think of WiiFit like it's Evan Almighty, maybe it might be good, but in comparison to Transformers playing one theatre down? Well... actually, if you ask me, your best off going a couple of more theatres down and checking out Knocked Up or Sicko. Or even better yet, just stay home and watch justin.tv, it'll help you appreciate all the Evan Almightys of the world.
If you ask me though, and I don't know why you would, one of the best games is already out for the Wii.
Last E3, when Nintendo announced that the Wii was going to be backwards compatible with the Gamecube, it was a bit of a shock. Never before had a Nintendo system had such a feature, then it was realized that the Wii was basically just a Gamecube with an extra hamster wheel powering it.
So you might wonder with Wii's backward compatibility why one would repurchase a game that had already been out on the Cube for two years. Well, that's exactly what was asked of consumers with the release of Resident Evil 4: Wii edition. Perhaps like an idiot, I obliged and shelled out my $29.99 plus tax for a game I already owned.
Idiot or not, I'm having fun shooting zombies with point and shoot controls, while you're still moping over the lack of announcement of a new Kid Icarus game.
Labels: e3, nintendo, video games
¶ 10:42:00 AM Labels: mario kart, nintendo, nintendogs, video games
¶ 11:09:00 AM Nintendo led me through some pretty intense security measures so I could play this fine game. First they invaded my house in the middle of the night, chloroformed my mom, blindfolded and tied up my dog, and then finally knocked me out with a large blunt object, possibly a PS3.
When I woke up a day later I was in the back of a van with a bag over my head. I could hear some guys talking Japanese. However, one guy kept talking about kicking asses and taking names. I said, "Is that you, Reggie?" All though, in hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea, cause they realized I was awake and hit me in the head with an even larger object, possibly an X-Box.
Finally, when I awoke from the coma, I found myself in an empty airplane hanger. It was just me, two armed guards, a TV with a Wii hooked up to it, and an odd looking fellow wearing a cat suit and a Nixon mask smoking a cigar.
The Nixon guy shouted something in Japanese and pointed at the TV, I walked over to it, turned it on, and then my head exploded with delight. On the screen was the long rumored, little confirmed, MMO that was all the rage last week on Digg. All I could think about was how jealous the guys over at the Planet Gamecube boards were going to be when they heard about this.
I quickly started the game and was brought to the character creation screen. I chose to make myself a human plumber, I though about being a goomba or a magikoopa, but I decided to go the traditional route.
The opening quickly explains how Bowser has finally caught Mario and is now reeking havoc on the mushroom kingdom. Desperate for help, Luigi has opened a warpzone between Brooklyn and the Mushroom Kingdom.
After completing the tutorial level I am dumped into a village of Toads. I found another player, a level 7 Power-Up Shyguy, who helped me out by tossing me mushrooms and Fire Flowers while I kill off koopa turtles in the Mushroom forest.
After getting to level 3 I decide to run some quests. An NPC Toadette asks me to pick her some turnips from the garden. The garden is on the other side of the forest, so I jump on a Yoshi and ride my way over. After bringing her back the turnips, Toadette awards me with 300xp and a +5 Squash Power Overalls.
It was about this point the Nixon Cat man shouted something and TV imploded. I guess my time was up. One of the guards came up to me, made me sign a Non-disclosure agreement, and then chopped off one of my fingers.
They told me as long as I didn't tell anyone about these events that transpired I'd get my finger back once the NDA was up. But I didn't want to betray my loyal readers and keep secrets from them. Who needs all 10 fingers anyway.
Labels: MMO, nintendo, Nixon, video games
¶ 2:48:00 PM 
I was reading the latest Nintendo Power today, I do so as to fit in with the rest of the kids, and I noticed the above advertisement.
There are a number of things about this ad that either confuse me, I find interesting, I find interesting because it confuses me, or I find so interesting that I get confused how I could find something this mundane of any interest.
First, this kid is ugly. He looks like Charlie Brown if someone sat on his head. He also is either very limber, or his bones somehow can bend. Perhaps his pot is for medicinal purposes because of the severe pain he's in from his boneitus. Maybe he's smoking it because he's so ugly that, um, I don't know, I guess there's not really any reason why you smoke pot because you were ugly.
This kid also seems to only have one wall in his house. And his only furniture is a pillow and a pot plant. Maybe this ad is trying to tell us that if you waste all your money on pot you can't afford to have such luxurious things like chairs, or walls, or a color besides mustard yellow.
But the main message here seems to be that smoking a joint will make you too lazy to walk the dog and you'll lose his respect. This guy's house will not only have a horrible smell of marijuana, but also will stink of dog crap and dog urine because no one taking the dog out. It's a good thing that this guy is missing a wall, it'll help air the place out.
Labels: anti-drug, dogs, drugs, marijuana, nintendo, pot, weed
¶ 4:06:00 PM I usually have no excuse for not updating this site, but this week I do. My escuse is just one word:
Zelda.
Yes, I've been playing with my Wii all week (keep your dirty thoughts/jokes to yourself, you sick bastards) and enjoying every minute of it.
However it appears some people are not. Here's one idiot that swings a little (and by a little, I mean way too much) too hard with the wiimote:
The end of the video says that the Wii is too weak, although despite hitting the wall at 100 mph, you can see the Wiimote still functions fine.
Sadly enough, the same can be said about this poor sap, who chucked his Wiimote right through his TV:
If anyone would like to share some Miis or something, email me with your Wii console number and I'll add you to my list.
Labels: nintendo, tv, video games, wii
¶ 11:14:00 PM 
Nintendo tried the commercial disguised as a movie with 1988's The Wizard (You can read my take on that film here). Now, 18 years later it seems Nintendo is trying again with this year's Stormbreaker.
The film, due out this summer in England and in October in the US, boasts the following description:
"After the murder of his uncle and guardian, the MI6 British spy agency recruits the reluctant 14-year-old Alex Rider to take over his uncle's mission. Like any good spy, during training he receives his key piece of gadgetry: a Hot Rod Red Nintendo DS. He also gets several game cards that transform his DS into an eavesdropping device, a wiretap detector or a smoke bomb."
Perhaps even more odd is that this film stars such notable stars as Ewan McGregor, Mickey Rourke, Bill Nighy, Alicia Silverstone, and Andy Serkis.
Let's all hope this is just as craptastic and enjoyable as The Wizard.
Labels: nintendo, stormbreaker, the wizard, video games
¶ 5:55:00 PM 
Shigero Miyamoto, creator of Mario, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Pikmin, and the goofy
grin, received a standing ovation at E3 when he came onto the stage. He received
an even bigger applause when he announced Nintendo's revolutionary plans for the next
system: Ass control.
"Too often a players bottom feels left out. It will go numb, or fall asleep, with
boredom," Miyamoto told the core of Nintendo enthusiasts, "Now, with our
revolutionary controller all will see the Nintendo difference. The difference
you feel when you sit."
The crowd, all Nintendo fan boys/girls who had to sign a loyalty oath before
being allowed in, took well to the news.
"Oh my god! Oh my god," said one 35 year old male wearing a Pac Man Fever T-shirt.
He told us his name but we decided not to print it because we felt sorry for his
family and possibly and friends, if any, he might have.
The revolutionary controller will feature a two crevis designed to snuggly fit
each buttcheak. Nintendo showed off a new version of bike racing game Excitebike.
Depending how you lean on your butt, the character in game will respond when
turning.
Meanwhile Sony announced 536 new games for the PSP, all poorly made ports of older
games. Sony also addressed the battery problem of the PSP by introducing a one
foot wide add on pack which will increase the battery life by 13%. Also, they
said they will increase their warranty on the system to 45 days, and promised to no longer say, "C'mon, it's a Sony system! It's suppose to break!"
Microsoft, feeling left out, also introduced a new hand held, which will run
Windows CE and be capable of displaying graphics similar to the X-Box. The demo
of Halo 2 running seemed impressive, but no one was able to play long due to
excruciating back pain from holding the 52lb handheld too long. Microsoft plans
on releasing a "strap on dolly" to help carry the load."
Labels: 536, ass, microsoft, nintendo, psp, shigeru miyamota, sony, video games, wii
¶ 10:41:00 AM 
The worse Gameboy related accident yet happened earlier this week at Poky Oats
Elementary School in Hartford, CT. A Pokemon game gone wrong resulted in the
death of five children, one teacher, a custodian, and a Michael Jackson
sympathizer.
"It was horrible," said Timmy O' Toole, age 6, a witness to the event, "There was
blood everywhere. I got a stain on my shirt. My mom threw it away. It was my
favorite shirt, the one with cookie monster.... don't tell her, but I took it
back out of the trash when she wasn't looking. I sleep with it under the
covers."
Another incident, another lawsuit. Nintendo yawned it off, giving us the usual
response.
"It's a travesty and we here at Nintendo Of America express our condolences," A
Nintendo Spokesperson told us, "We always have expressed safety precautions while
playing with your GameBoy. A three foot distance between players and protective
suits, available for purchase through the official Nintendo website, should
always be utilized."
Witnesses all told of how awful the site was. Thirty three children have been
taken to mental hospitals for extended psychiatric help.
"We just hope to have our daughter back by the end of the year," a parent of one
of the children in the psychiatric hospital who wished to remain anonymous told
us... oh, what the hell, his name was John Lindermen.
The child whose Gameboy caused the ruckus, and survivor of the event, is also
saddened by the massacre.
"I can't believe it. The cops took my gameboy for evidence. How am I suppose to
catch the last Pokemon, Curdle, now? I'm going try to get my mom to buy me one
of those new green ones. They're cool, they're just like the other Gameboy but
it's... green!
Nintendo Gameboy Advance sales have not been hurt by this last event, in fact
sales have slightly risen since this the event.
Labels: death, Gameboy, john linderman, nintendo, video games
¶ 12:02:00 PM 
