9/12/2007
Moving out of your parents house is huge step in the path to independence from creepy guy living in his parents' basement. It's a well known fact that most of these creeps surf the internet anywhere from 0 to 24 hours a day. So there's a good chance you, the reader, might be one of these guys. Therefore I'm going to share some of my vast experience of the subject with you poor fools. After I moved out of parents house I had a hard time adjusting. I probably should of figured out what I was going to do before I moved out, you know like decided where I'd live, where I'd get money, or learn how to cut the crust off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiched myself.
I moved to Greece for a while. I remember learning when I was a child that the Gods lived at the Acropolis. Unfortunately when I got there all I found was a stray cat roaming around. I worshiped the cat for a while until one day a dog killed it. I thought maybe the dog was the real God letting me know that I'd been worshiping a fake God, but I also wondered if the dog was actually the devil. It was all very confusing, so I moved back to America where I can find a Jesus in every church to worship.
Life was hard when I got back, I needed to find a place to live. They say home is where the heart is. That's stupid, I can't live inside my own chest. I've also heard people say "home sweet home." I guessed I'd know when I'd find my home because it'd taste good. This knowledge didn't help me much though. Real Estate brokers tend to give you weird faces if you lick the walls while they're showing you a house. They got pissed and I think I got Tuberculosis, which landed me in the hospital. But that's okay it gave me a place to sleep for a while, well until the nurses kicked me out for tasting the floors.
Eventually I was taken in by some bums who lived behind the 7-Eleven. They actually had a pretty nice set-up. They built a hut out of discarded slurpree syrup. Sometimes the guy who ran the place would feel sorry for us and give us some free big bite hot dogs, which we'd use to lure in rats and pigeons to eat.
Yeah, life was pretty sweet at that point, but it still seemed something was lacking. I'm not sure what is was. Perhaps it was the fact that we had no heating, or roof. We tried to make a roof out of old newspapers once, but people kept coming around reading our house. It was especially annoying when some commuter in a hurry would peel off one of our buttresses off to read on the train. I took my concerns to our lead resident, one leg Willie, but he called me a spoiled brat and kicked me out, well, not literally, Willie doesn't do much kicking anymore. It didn't matter much to me anyway, because although theslurpee was did taste pretty sweet, it just didn't seem right.
So I was on my own again. I spent a couple of nights walking around residential neighbors making a real sad face hoping someone might feel sorry for me and invite me to live with them. When that didn't work I tried sobbing as loudly as possible. That got the cops called anyway, and landed me in jail for the night.
Jail wasn't so bad though, it was free housing as far as I was concerned. I started to commit crimes every night so I could go back to jail. After a couple of nights the cops figured out my game and told me they were not going to arrest me anymore. I tried blowing up a couple of buildings, kidnapping the presidents daughters, not cleaning up after my dog, but the police didn't fall for any of it.
Back to square one, and pretty depressed, I decided to attempt the lowest thing possible. I started an internet blog. Now I'm no longer respected, but with the pennys I make every month off the Google ads I can afford a can of soda. It might not sound like much, but don't worry, I've got it all figured out. I'm going to hold onto that can and eventually the aluminum will go up value, like all precious metals do. It's either that or maybe Google will buy my website for 200 million dollars... hmm I have to remember to put a call in to Larry Page as soon as I save up enough cans to afford a cell phone.
Labels: 7-eleven, bums, god, google, greece, jail, larry page, moving
¶ 8:54:00 AM
5/09/2007
HSBC bank has denied God a checking account. The reason? Because HSBC doesn't allow accounts to people with only one name. God said how about "Almighty God," but HSBC didn't like that either.Of course it wasn't the God that has been denied, but rather just some guy who changed his name to God in an effort to sell books. Not a bad idea actually, considring the number one selling book of all time is the bible.
Read More here if you so desire.
¶
10:49:00 PM 1/16/2007
SMILE is a network for children that feature "Christian friendly" programing. I often pause on the station when I channel surf, not because I'm a Christian child, but because I like to laugh at low-budget low-quality stuff. But when stopped to enjoy an episode of "Colby's Clubhouse" I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
When I tuned a group of kids were talking to a WWII veteran in a park... well at least a middle aged guy pretending to be a WWII veteran. After learning he was in the great war, one of the kids told him he must have had a lot of fun fighting. He told the children about how he fought for the country and saw a lot of his friends die.
To show their appreciation of his heroics they sing him a song, which includes the kids marching in place and saluting the American flag. The WWII vet is touched by their song, but unfortunately at this point a cop kicks the vet out of the park because "the park isn't a camping ground for the homeless."
The kids go to the clubhouse to talk to Colby, who, by the way seems to a Casio keyboard with a face made out of foam rubber. The kids ask Colby why God would let a person who fought for our country to wind up homeless. Colby tells the children, all we know about this WWII veteran is that he fought in a war. We don't know what he's done since, or what he'll do in the future.
So, in other words, he deserves it. Don't question God's way. Shut up kids, quit your whining.
Right before I flipped to the next station they decided to pray for the veteran. Better than nothing I suppose.
Labels: casio, clubhouse, colby, fios, god, verizon, wwii
¶ 11:38:00 PM 
