“Foooour-evvv-uh, Fooooour-evvv-uh”

Welcome to “Bad Movies I Like,” what’s bound to be the most beloved column I’ll ever publish… or not. Hell, this might be the only one I ever I write. What’s the point of making such a commitment.

This week, or month, or time, or whatever, we take a look at The Sandlot. This was basically a movie about a bunch of kids who play baseball. They just play themselves and never bother keep score or anything. Sounds exciting, eh?

This movie includes such memorable lines as “If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.” This was a favorite among my peers back in the day. They would use this line on each other between telling “Your Mamma” jokes they had heard on “In Living Color.” This would be followed by laughter and served as proof that kids are dumb.

Who could forget the classic scene when the kids try chewing tobacco for the first time while riding a roller coaster, proving that kids in movies are dumb too. This leads to all the kids vomiting all each other and everyone. Did I mention this is a family film.

At a sleepover,the token fat kid says if he had to eat just one food for the rest of his life it’d be cherry flavored Pezz. Which actually doesn’t like that bad of a choice to me. Hey, wasn’t there a scene here about Smores too? It had some stupid joke like, “Do you want some Smores?” “Some more of what?” Ha! Genius!

Anyway, it’s at this sleepover where the story of “The Beast” is told. “The Beast,” according to this sequence, appears to a huge dog, like the size of Clifford. Only this dog is evil… although I’ve always had my suspicion about Clifford… and when is T-Bone going to get his own show… and I’m rambling off again, aren’t I… AREN”T I?

So anyway, yes, this dog, or “The Beast,” just happens to live next to The Sandlot. And, because the movie needs a plot, one kid accidentally hits his dad’s autographed “Babe Ruth” baseball over the fence. And hilarity ensues. Well, maybe not.

The kids try all different types of things to get the ball back. Like using vacuums, catapults, and running real fast. But none if really matters because it turns out the the guy who owns “The Beast” is actually a kind old man played by James Earl Jones. He invites the kids in and tells the kids the virtues of Verizon DSL.

Did I mention Dennis Leary is in this movie? No? Well, that’s because there really isn’t any point of doing so.

They’ve recently come out with a sequel to this movie, creatively called “The Sandlot 2”. In this movie a kid accidentally launches his dad’s prized toy rocket over the fence where now a creature called “The Big Fear” lives. It might sound the same, but this time James Earl Jones tells them the virtues of the Bell Atlantic Yellow Pages.

“9 out of 10 use it, No other book can match it”

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