What is the most pointless piece of clothing? My bet would be the tie. It serves no purpose whatsoever. It’s like a ineffective scarf. From head to toe, almost every other piece of clothing I’m wearing has a purpose.

Hat: When it’s forward, it keeps the sun out of my eyes. When it’s backwards, it let’s people know I’m cool. When it’s inside out, it magically transforms the Mets into a winning team. When it’s sideways, it lets people know that I’m insane like DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Shirt: Hides my chest, keeping my chest hair a mystery.

Belt: Prevents my pants from falling down, so old rich women can’t exclaim “my word” and then faint.

Underpants: The hearts that adorn my boxers add much needed comic relief to my pelvic region.

Pants: Confuses british people who think pants are underwear, and trousers are pants. (Don’t even ask what they think fanny packs are.)

Socks: Soaks up the foul odor from my feet.

Shoes: Protects my feet from the broken beer bottles on my mom’s floor.

The tie does nothing, just hangs there. It gets in my soup, hits me in the face on a windy day, and smells like cat feces. (This might be because my tie dangled into the cat’s litter box while I was cleaning it.)

We should replace the tie with something more useful, like a live snake or a cellphone on a string. With a cellphone tie, we can instantly tell who has iPhone or an Android, that way we know who to fight in the upcoming cellphone wars… or we can simply get together and laugh at the losers who still have Blackberries.