So many troubles in the world. World hunger. Wars being fought. People dying from incurable diseases. Global warming (or a natural state of climate change if you’re a mental midget.) But none of these will matter any more come this Friday. The iPhone is coming.

Oh yes, their will be no more choosing whether to carry your iPod, camera, cell phone, or bible with you. Now you can take them all in one magnificent shiny black box. The iPhone is coming.

No longer will you have to go a single second wondering if anyone has posted a comment to your myspace page. Next time you have the urge to watch the latest idiot lip-syncing to a Backstreet Boys song while on the bus you can. The iPhone is coming.

This Friday you’ll be able to increase your credit card debt another $500 to $600. You’ll finally be able to spend $60 or more a month on a cell phone plan.
The iPhone is coming.

You can finally leave your wife, quit your job, blow off your friends, burn down your house (or better yet sell it, you’ll need to cash to pay for the phone), crash your car, give away all your clothes, saw off your legs, and carve out your imagination. You don’t need any of it anymore. The iPhone is coming.

The iPhone is shiny, smooth, sexy, and without a doubt, the greatest thing to happen to you since birth. It is the reason you were born. Your only purpose in life is to own this contraption. You must give yourself over to it. Surrender your mind, spirit, and soul. The Holy Trinity is now the Holy Square. The Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the iPhone. Actually, who needs all that extra filler, let’s make the Holy Trinity Steve Jobs, Apple, and the iPhone.

After Friday, the iPhone will the new favorite for President in the 2008 election. An iPhone will replace the book on the Statue of Liberty. The iPhone will be carved into the side of Mount Rushmore. The iPhone will be named the new host of Price is Right. The Yankees will sign the iPhone for 22 million dollars. The iPhone will be the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary.

The world is changing, it’s getting better. Their has never been a more exciting time to be alive. Pure happiness. Some have surmised, probably correctly, that everyone is going to die Friday, because the iPhone is heaven.

Dates will now end in the prefix BP and AP, before iPhone and After iPhone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself, for the the best, most exciting, thing to ever happen to you…. until the second generation iPhone is announced.

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