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Everything I’ve learned about Napoleon, I learned from Bill & Ted.

I think it’s become common knowledge that you shouldn’t really ever look under your parent’s bed. You might think you are going to find your Christmas presents, but instead you wind up uncovering things you just didn’t want to see. A homemade sex tape, fuzzy handcuffs, a clown costume, your adoption papers… The stash of items under there are better left, as Mr. Rummsfeild likes to say, “a known unknown”.

But if you are insisting to look under there anyway, there’s one item you probably wouldn’t expect to find in a million years: Napoleon Bonaparte’s penis. But if you happen to be one woman in New Jersey, that’s exactly what you would have found.

For some reason, when Napoleon died in 1821, his doctor cut off his dictator and gave it to a priest. Because, as we all know, priest’s have a fascination with little human male’s penises.

The priest didn’t properly preserve it, presumably because he skipped the male genitalia preservation lesson in home economics. When put on display in Manhattan in 1927 it was described by TIME magazine as “maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.” I’m not sure exactly how the item was displayed, but I’d like to imagine it was like how they showed off King Kong, just putting on a stage for a couple of hours for the audience too “Ooo” at.

In 1977 a urologist bought it for $3,000 and stored it under is bed for 30 years, as a collector of famous penises is known to do. In 2007 his daughter inherited it.  She fielded at least one $100,000 offer for it, but so far has decided to hold on to it. Somethings are just more important than money.

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