The Atari 2600 system had a lot of bad games. An E.T. game where you constantly fall down invisible holes and make yourself float out by extending your neck. A version of Pac-Man where the title character is shaped like a yellow stop sign and handles like an 18-wheeler. The Indian Jones game that requires you to play with two joysticks at once, but is only a one-player.

custer2
This is it, the entire game. If this one screen doesn’t impress you, don’t hope to see anything else, because this it it!

Where does a game like Custard’s Revenge stand compared to that. Well, it’s an alternative history game, but this is not Assassins Creed 3. No instead you take the role of General Custard who is mad after the Native-Americans killed him and five members of his family (don’t feel bad for him, he deserved it). Apparently he was faking his death or maybe he’s a zombie, who knows? It’s not like Atari 2600 games were known for their in depth story.

The first thing you might notice about General Custard is that he nude except for hats, boots and what looks like a purple scarf maybe… I guess being nude doesn’t mean you can’t have flair. I  also do say “might notice” because Atari 2600’s graphics aren’t exactly on the level of the Playstation 4, sometimes trying to figure out what something is like taking a Rorschach test.

Perhaps the next thing you’ll notice is General Custard’s huge pixelated, um, manhood. How can I put this? If he was wearing pants, he’s be pitching a teepee.

On the right side of the screen we have a beautiful naked Native American girl tied to a pole. Or maybe it’s a chili pepper on a stick, I don’t know. Again, it’s whatever you make of the shape.

How do you play? You make your way from the left side of the screen to the right side avoiding arrows. Why are the Native Americans just shooting arrows instead of running up to him and scalping the crap out of him? He’s clearly unarmed.  Or are all the men shooting arrows homophobic and don’t want to get anywhere near a naked dude?

Once you get to the naked girl you rape her. Right, I guess it wasn’t enough for American settlers to just rape the Native Amercan’s land.

Yep, rape in an Atari game. Even Grand Theft Auto has yet to cross that line. Drug use, killing cops, mass genocide… all things Rockstar Games has seen fit to include in Grand Theft Auto, but raping. Nope. Games like Grand Theft Auto will get blamed for violent shootings, but I don’t see anyone blaming Custard’s Revenge for rapes.

You may wonder what happens after your done raping her? Well, besides getting an STD known as the Indian Burn,  you did again… and again… and, well forever. Until you die or simply pull the game out of your Atari 2600 console and wonder what has become of your life that you chose to spend it playing this game.

This game has a couple of alternative names. It has also been known as The White Man Came and Western Ho. That fact alone is more amusing than this game is.

There was some controversy when the game was released. Including lawsuits and the game being outlawed in Oklahoma City. Suffolk County in New York also attempted outlawing the game and got hit with an 11 million dollar lawsuit for censorship.

I would like to note that this game was not made by Atari themselves, but rather a company named Mystique which made a couple of other XXX Atari games including one called Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em. In the days of the 2600, game makers did not need  to get approval from Atari to make games for their system. When the NES came out, Nintendo did require companies to get approval from them. There were quite of few bad games for the NES, but at least none of them involved raping.

In the news:

The TSA will start allowing small knives on planes. Perfect for small hijackings.

A sink hole has swallowed a Florida man. I no longer wish to go to Disney World, for fear it may be an actual tourist trap.

 

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