The Jokes:

An asteroid came so close to earth, it was actually closer than some satellites orbiting our planet. The good news is it missed earth, the bad news is it missed the Fox News satellite too.

A meteor also exploded in the atmosphere over Russia, but was only 7.7 tons compared to the 143,000 tons the asteroid that missed weighed. To put that in perspective, the Russian meteor is like Al Roker and the asteroid that missed us is like Al Roker before the gastric-bypass surgery.

McDonald’s stock dipped after Obama proposed raising the minimum wage to $9 per hour. Because the last thing we’d want is a McDonald’s employees to actually be able to afford to eat at McDonald’s.

OSCAR!

Chaplin sported the toothbrush mustache before Hitler. Chaplin was the original hipster.
Chaplin sported the toothbrush mustache before Hitler. Chaplin was the original hipster.

This upcoming Sunday is the 85th Academy Awards. Lots of members of the liberal part of the 1% will gather together and pat each other on the back for doing such a great job of entertaining us peons. To celebrate the Academy Awards for outliving Andy Williams we will be using this week to report all this Oscars.

The best place to start? The beginning of course, unless your Christopher Nolan making a confusing Tom Cruise movie.

The first Academy Awards happened May 16, 1929. It lasted a lengthy 15 minutes (that’s about 7 hours less than the normal ceremony now) and was hosted by Academy president Louis B. Mayer, as Billy Crystal was unavailable because he wasn’t going to be born for another 19 years.

A whopping 270 people attended the ceremony (sadly, that’s less than the theatre now playing Movie 43 can hold). They paid $5 for admission, which may not sound like a lot, but adjusting for inflation would be $67. Actually, considering it costs $90 now to see Taylor Swift, that’s a pretty good deal.

Charlie Chaplin was originally nominated for multiple categories for his movie The Circus, but his nominations were pulled and instead just given an Oscar. This was probably because Chaplin would of kicked everyone’s ass and walked away with every award otherwise.

The best film was Wings, a film about World War I pilots. It was the the only silent film to win best picture until 83 years later when The Artist won.

 

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