The Jokes:

Roe V. Wade reached it’s 40th anniversary. I don’t want to offend anyone so I’ll terminate this joke early.

A family is taking DirecTV to court over billing. Hopefully it doesn’t rain on the court date, DirecTV probably wouldn’t show up.

Beyonce may of lip-synced the national anthem at the inauguration. Is there anyone who in DC hasn’t betrayed our trust?

Cheez-its:

Obama just got sworn in to a second term of an historical presidency after the most expensive electoral cycle ever. Donors paid out the nose to attend the inaugural ball to celebrate. And what kind of food was served? See for yourself:

Yes. Cheez-its. Honestly, I think it’s awesome. Ever since I saw Coming To America, where McDowell’s (AKA fake McDonald’s) was catering an event, I always wanted to have a super fancy party with super cruddy food. One could also argue that serving such common food shows the president is connected to the regular people (of course, you would probably be an idiot to argue that).

But I could see one being kind of cheezed after paying a ton of money to attend a fancy inaugural ball and then eating food some intern picked up from Walmart for $2.29. Oh well, if you don’t like it don’t vote for him… whoops, too late.

Watch This:

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Every Arnold scream from every Arnold movie: