The world wide web has accomplished a lot in the last ten years. The
internet went from obscurity to majority, bringing much for it to be
proud of. You got your eBays, Amazons, and of course the leviathan
google. But the WWW would prefer you to forget about some if it’s
less than stellar accomplishments.
So, for the hell of it let’s look at some of those embarrassments
just to be a bitch and annoy the internet (why am I talking about the
internet as if it’s a person, what in the world is wrong with me? Why
is urine yellow?
So here, in my opinion, are the top 5 embarrassments of the internet:
5) Hamsters Dance – Two friends bet each other to see who could make
a website that would get more hits. One of them thought a bunch of
animated gifs of hamsters and repeating one [very annoying] line of
“Whistle Stop” by Roger Miller would draw a lot of hits. And, for
some unknown reason, she was right. The site even spawned a dance CD.
Thinking about it even now want me to cry for the sake of humanity.
4) Peanut Butter Jelly Time – It’s peanut butter jelly time! Peanut
butter jelly time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Peanut Butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!
Just repeat that over and over while picturing a dancing banana that
has about 5 frames of animation. The fact that this is what Internet users seemed to think of as entertainment boggles the mind.
3) Ate My Balls – When searching for anyone back in the mid to late
nineties you were sure to come up with a site about them eating balls.
And if you got curious enough to click on one of these sites you’d
surely must be dead now because you most likely would of committed
suicide right after. Some call it tasteless humor, but since there’s
nothing actually funny on any of these pages, I think just tasteless
would fit it better.
All these were basically were pictures of TV show characters with word
bubbles exclaiming their love for balls. To just demonstrate how bad
these sites are here’s one image from the “Kramer Ate My Balls” site”
Sadly, many of these sites are still up and running.
2) My Space – Holy crap! Can we please remove this piece of garbage
off the net. This site seems to have three reasons to exist.
a) To show off how many “friends” you have (Yeah, I’m sure all of you
and ” Tom” and best buds).
b) So all you valley girl wannabees we can have a way to chat when not
using AIM, Cell phones, or GASP actually talking face to face.
c) And to for some incomprehensible reason put incredibly large
amounts of pictures, audio, and video in your profile. Every profile
on Myspace looks like it was designed by a four year old with a
learning disability. Why do you choose backgrounds that make it
impossible to read and text over it? And what is wrong with your
brain that you think every time someone visits your site they want too
some stupid rap video. I feel bad for people still on dial-up who
must have to wait 5 years for every page to load up. Actually, you
know what? I take that back. I feel bad for anyone who ever visits
1) AOL – This one pretty much explains everything previously
mentioned. There are tons of choices out there for an ISP… so why
would anyone choose AOL. Stupidity, that’s why. Back in the late
nineties I could not open my mailbox without finding another dozen or
so discs. 2 and a half hours free, 10 hours free, 25 hours for free,
2500 hours free. I don’t care how long it’s free, I have no desire to
use your sub par email service and browser that looks like a Fisher
Price “My first Web Browser”. AOL made it so easy to get online that
every idiot was soon able to log onto the “interweb.” Soon wars
would break out on usenet everytime someone from AOL would post
something like “Me too!”
Even AIM has proven to be unusable with it’s video ads, and if that
wasn’t enough early beta reports show ads appearing between the text
of you friends messages to you in future versions.
Why would you pay $24.95 a month for this. Pay the extra $5 a month
and get broadband jackass, actually just stay on AOL, it’ll make it
easier to identify the idiots.