Pizza Hut officially out bid Long John Silvers and Tampax earlier today to become the main sponsor of the war. For here on out the war will be known as "Pizza Hut Presents Operation Iraqi Freedom." Although Pizza Hut will be the main sponsor other parts of the war will receive they're own special sponsorship. The crappy video from the videophones will be brought to you by Real Video player. The Bombs will be brought to you by the movie Willard (because it bombed, get it.. hah hah). And the missiles will be brought to you by Penal Enlargement clinics.

Labels: iraq, pizza hut

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:32:00 AM  0 Comments

"Well we're split 50/50 right now. Half of us think him. But the other half is just not convinced," Pentagon spokesman Jake Propaganda told us, "The other half doesn't exist because it's not possible to have more than two halves in a whole. But if we could have a third half we'd probably make them out to get us some pizza, I'm starving."

Whether it was real or not it was enough to rally the people of Iraq to dance in the streets for the eighteenth time this week. The only evidence torture that seems obvious so far against the civilians of Iraq, is his ability to make them dance like idiots.

Here's the evidence the CIA has presented to the public on why the video may be fake. The picture at right below shows a still from the latest video along with letters pointing to different spots. The letters correspond to those on the left with why these spots are of interest.

A) Mustache Wax used appears to be different brand than normal

B) Who wears a turtleneck in the desert

C) Sorry, I forgot to draw a line from C... I'm not sure what that was for

D) Microphone used is a Sony, not Hussein's favorite, Casio.

E) Pocket doesn't contain Camel Cigarettes, the type many experts believe Hussein would use if he smoked.

F) This line of Red may be blood. Perhaps from being shot. And as you know, the real Hussein was bombed not shot.

Labels: iraq, saddam hussein

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:29:00 AM  0 Comments

A man was killed yesterday when an X-Box video game console fell of a store shelf and crushed him. The console, which weighs an estimated 200 lbs. and is about the length of five Mattel Electronic Football fields, was on the top shelf in the video game aisle. The X-Box must not have been properly balanced because it fell without notice onto the individual. Experts are calling this the worse video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars of 1995. "This is the worst video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars," said one such expert, "This is almost as bad as the time in 1989 when that guy played Tetris for 87 hours straight, went insane, and killed 50 people by throwing blocks off the Empire State Building." Many consider the X-Box the most dangerous system (one teenager called it "bas ass"), but the worse may yet to come. Microsoft has already announced the "Y-Box" as a follow up. It will weigh about twice as much and, according to Bill Gates, "will probably be better as far as graphics and stuff go too." Mr. Fish says: What the hell kind of name is X-Box anyway? Did it use to be a box, but now it's not? And what about Gamecube? So stupid. And Playstation? Sounds like a Fisher price toy. Lance Froman says: Gamecube is cool. I got this new game called Lost Kingdoms. You kill monsters by putting cards down and you get to be a princess!! Nick Crudpants says: That sounds pretty gay to me. Mike Rapstinks says: Gay? I'm offended by that! Not that I have any reason to be...

Labels: bill gates, video games, x-box

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:36:00 AM  0 Comments

Soft drink drinkers will have another reason to drink their soft drinks this summer. Pepsi plans to incorporate online capabilities in their soda cans. "That's what the kids want these days, right? Online access and crap," said Pepsi chairman Joe Orsulak. These new cans will allow drinkers to access the latest nutrition information, download new skins for the can, and to listen to an MP3 of Britney spears slurping a can of soda. After drinking the soda within it can easily be crumpled up and thrown out... or recycled if you want your 5 cent deposit back. "It's new, it's revolutionary, it's cool. So buy it already," said the already mentioned Pepsi chairperson. The Pepsi is expected to go sale this July, although some grocers are already taking preorders. It will cost about $20 a can and will require three AAA batteries that are not included. The can must also be connected to a phone line and a optional keyboard must be purchased to access some features. The keyboard will only be available in Japan however but can be imported for the low price $120, feel free to check eBay for lower prices. Coke has no plans to introduces a drink with online capacities, but is considering a bottle with a flashing bottle cap light.

Labels: joe orsulak, pepsi, soda

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:34:00 AM  0 Comments

Ericson announced the first cell phone to have a DVD player in it last Friday.

"It is so exciting," exclaimed Paul Ericson, some guy who I assume had to do with Ericson phones seeing as their names matched and he was talking about one of their stupid phones, "finally Americans can watch movies on their cell phone."

The DVD feature will enable people on the go to watch movies. Car drivers will be aloud to watch DVDs too, as long as they don't use their hands.

Unfortunately a bug in the design has caused the phone unable to make calls at any time.

"We don't think it's a big deal that the phone can't make calls," said Ericson, "very few people buy cell phones to make calls. They buy them for the games, organizer, crazy ring tones, and most importantly, to look cool."

Look for the phone on shelves this month.

Labels: cell phones, dvd

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:43:00 AM  0 Comments

People gathered from around America last Saturday in New York City to protest the Joe Millionaire verdict. Protest organizers estimated that there was about 500,000 in attendance while cops said they didn't care.

It was cold, it was wet, it actually was kind of stupid, but that didn't stop the protesters from coming out.

"Well, the fact is it's time Evan Marriot heard our voice," said one protester who held a sign reading 'Pick Me Joe,' "He clearly should of chose Sara instead of Zora."

"He should of picked the girl with the bigger boobies," said a construction worker who joined the march, "the fact that he picked the frump is a disgrace to construction workers everywhere."

The group marched up times square before getting lost.

"We could of swore FOX studios were around here somewhere," said one confused guy.

The protesters finally wound up at NBC studios in Rockefeller Center and decided that it was close enough.

"They're such morons," said Conan O' Brien looking from the window of his G.E. building, "how can anyone be that dumb. Except for my fans of course." Conan then began to dance like an idiot and make weird high pitched "ow" noises for about an hour or two.

"They all look about the age of Joe Millionaire to me," said one on looker who was urinating on a near by mailbox, "they're probably just afraid of commitment."

At the end of it all Evan Marriot finally responded only by saying, "I understand what they're saying, but I respectfully disagree."

But, since it's a decision that doesn't directly affect all those protesting, he has all the right to make it without listening to them. Now, if it was a far more serous decision, and that many people protested, no one in their right mind would just write it off.... right?

Labels: iraq, joe millioniare, new york, reality tv

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:39:00 AM  0 Comments