If you were shocked to learn that some New York Times stories had been plagiarized, prepare to be shocked to a higher degree... or something. Every story in the paper is plagiarized.

In our exclusive cheesegod.com investigation we found numerous indications in each story that pointed to it being unoriginal.

We picked up a copy of today's New York Times at the local "Newstop," whose owners must either not now how to spell or couldn't afford to buy the extra 'S' for their sign, and right away we began to notice news being taken from other sources.

First we read an article about website rip-off Netflix had just successfully patented the DVD subscription service. But we already have heard this story. How? It was already told on both TechTV and Headline News the day before. The Times didn't write this story at all. Not in the least bit of originality.

Next we took a look at a story about President Bush visiting New York to raise money for his 2004 campaign. But this actually happened! Bush did come to New York. Bush did raise money!

These are just a couple of examples of the New York Times lack of originality. Every story in the paper was actually stuff that had already happened. These writers didn't come up with these ideas at all.

This may just be the tip of the ice burgh, and we all know how dangerous ice burghs can be. An ice burgh sunk the Titanic which ultimately led to the success of Celion Dion.

The only thing we found in the paper that wasn't plagiarized was the TV listings. But, ironically enough, it seems that every television station plagiarized the Times. We watched with amazement has every show the Times had written would be at a certain time, on a certain station actually came on at the exactly how the Times has said.

Perhaps the Times should follow the example of such fine news sources as the New York Post who actually does make up every one of their stories. Well all except the one about the 2-headed cat, that one actually happened. The Aquabats told me so....

It seems no one is safe from the curse of plagiarism though. Even cheesegod.com has been copied. Check out this website that not only stole our scoop on the untiippable coke machine, but actually just copied it word for word including those lovable grammatical errors:

Labels: ny post, ny times, techtv

# posted by cheesegod.com : 9:58:00 AM  0 Comments

101 USES FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK

So you purchased the latest installment of the Harry Potter series, but now you don't know what to do with it. Well here's a long list of things you can do to justify it's inflated price tag: Use it to kill your husband Put it under the short leg of the couch Use it to impress your illiterate friends Hollow it out, hide booze inside Tear out the pages and use it as fan during the hot summer Stand on it to reach the top shelf at the supermarket Paperweight Door Stop Hollow it out and live inside it Wear it as a hat Put it in the toilet for symbolic reasons Makes a good booster seat Put it under your car tire so it doesn't roll away Place on top of trash can lid so it doesn't blow away Throw it through a window as a gesture of anarchy Makes a good cutting board Strap it to your foot so you can reach the gas pedal... if you're David Spade Hit David Spade over the head with it Begin reading the induce sleep Push it around in a baby stroller to gather odd looks Put it in a sock and swing it around as a make shift weapon Sell it on eBay, no wait, don't, the shipping would cost too much Go to an elementary school playground and burn it to make the children cry Donate it to a soup kitchen... I don't know why Walk around with it on Halloween as your costume, you can a moron Tear up all the pages and throw it in the air... pretend it's New Years Stand on a street corner reciting from it as if it's the bible Doodle a beard onto Harry's face on the cover... good fun Lick it Use it to open walnuts Open and close rapidly, pretend it's talking Place on floor in high foot traffic areas to make people trip Return it to the book store because it's defected... it sucks Use it to kill Marthra Stewart Dress it up as Bin Laden, alert the FBI Take a shower with it Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over how much money you spent on it Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over not having any friends Sell it to a sucker, claiming it's a magic bean Catch Pokemon with it Use it for step aerobics Use it for TP Make 991 paper airplanes Origami! Makes for swell wrapping paper ... or wallpaper Ramp for Skateboard Dip in liquid nitrogen, hit it with a hammer Put through industrial shredder Use it as a butt plug Make into a piñata Leave it outside to see how long it takes to get stolen Use it to stuff your crotch ... or bra Makes for crappy China Use it to line the birdcage Use it as home base when you play baseball Use for bait when you're fishing... for children Firewood Just sit on it Pretend it's your girlfriend Rip it in half to show off your muscle Cut with a ginsu knife Use it as an end table Hide your wallet inside it when you're at the beach Use as anchor for ship Stand on while hanging yourself Do a word by word comparison with Lord Of The Rings See if it syncs up to Dark Side of the Moon Squash unwanted insects Can be used as platform shoes Pretend you're talking about it on Reading Rainbow Stick it under the brake pedal of your dad's car so he can't stop Throw at Carl Everett's head Tie-dye it Aquarium decoration Good for weight lifting Throw at neighbors dog when he's barking Mod it so it can play MP3s Cover the hole of your roof with it Or cover those rust holes in the floor of your car Ride it down a mountain Use to hide the comic book your reading Use as a coaster Can be a gravestone... for someone named Harry potter Reprint it in the NY Daily News to piss off the author Use as a reminded of why watching TV is better than reading Break it with your fist in karate class Goat food Use as mouse pad Dress up a women and practice kissing it Rip off the dust cover for your own "Books Gone Wild" show Use it as a sticker album Remove makeup with it Check it for spelling errors Use as bookshelf to display your better books Use as a punching bag Put it next to Carrot Top to see if so much sucking in one area will cause the universe to collapse on itself Use as a chew toy Test to see if it can absorb as much liquid as Brawny paper towels I guess you could just read it... or give to someone who does

Labels: harry potter

# posted by cheesegod.com : 10:04:00 AM  0 Comments

It used to be that all televisions had big picture tubes and were rounded in the front. Then, starting in the late '90s televisions became flat thanks to the miracle of plasma and Sony's made up unpronounceable "Wega." But now the folks at Sharp have a new television shape to take us to 2004: The concave TV. Like how televisions used to come out in the middle, concave tvs go in in the middle. "We figured flat tvs already look the picture look better by bringing the screen in a little, we could make it look much better by bringing it in all the way," Sharp spokesperson Tim Bogart told us. Sharp has even come up with a slogan to compete with Sony's "Flat out Better."... "Concave in Better." "We're still working on it..." the sharp guy told us. Sharp claims the televisions will have a more three-dimensional look because; the screen is actually three-dimensional. "Think about it. How can a TV that's flat be three-dimensional? That's just stupid. It's just the style that people buy it for." The TV wasn't functional at the press announcement because every prototype built so far has exploded. Sharp is planning memorial for the 536 people who have died so far developing the TV. However we were assured that the television would be really good because, "Sharp products come from Sharp minds."

Labels: 536, sony

# posted by cheesegod.com : 10:06:00 AM  0 Comments

FDA scientists were pleased to announce that they finished work on the "Food Sphere" yesterday. It's a follow-up to the "Food Pyramid" that cost about 536 million dollars to produce. "This is what you've been waiting for," some government scientist who probably makes to much announced, "At last we can help Americans eat healthier through the miracle of the sphere." Critics were fast to point out that the food sphere is nothing but the food pyramid with an extra side. "The extra side is important, it adds more pictures of the foods in each area," the same government guy as previously mentioned told us. Another change is a bottle of Pepsi added to the bottom area, which is reserved for foods that should be consumed the most. "We put that there after Pepsi agreed to help us fund future projects, such as a new graph indicating average amount of cookies eaten by pregnant women, by giving us a large sum of money. This money is important to us scientists so we can continue to research these projects, it's not like we just copy this stuff out of the latest issue of TIME." A round of sarcastic laughter followed this statement from the scientists. The food sphere also features an American flag on the top "to help fight terrorism." We also assured that it isn't French bread that appears in the "grains" section, but the tastier "Freedom Bread".

Labels: fda, iraq

# posted by cheesegod.com : 10:08:00 AM  0 Comments