YANKEES UNSUCCESFULLY TRY TO TRADE FANS
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New York - The Yankees faced perhaps their biggest disappointment yesterday as they failed to get another team to take their fans. The New York Yankees who currently sit on top of first place in the American League still feel disappointment because of their fans. "I'm glad we're in first, but I'm still having to go out there and play in front of those gloating pains in the asses," shortstop Derek Jeter whined before taking another hit on his "medical" marijuana. The fans were offered to many teams before the trading deadline of July 31st, but no one accepted the Yankees offer. Finally the Yankees placed the entire fan base on waivers Friday afternoon, but again no one took them. "We couldn't even give them away for free," manager Joe Toree exclaimed earlier today while showering and talking to himself in a mirror installed just under the shower head, "I thought perhaps the Expos might want them! That would raise their fan base by a few million, bringing them to a high of a few million and one." Even the Florida Marlins didn't want them. Current residents of Florida said they moved from New York in the first place to get away from Yankee fans. "I don't want no damn Yankee fans around me," one Florida resident said before he dropped dead of old age, "If I wanted to be around an asshole with a huge ego I'd hang out with owner of the Atlanta Braves." Ted Turner actually did consider taking the Yankee fans but decided against it at the last second. "Sure they were moronic and annoying enough to be Brave fans, but they just weren't inbred enough," Turner said from a giant mechanical head while hiding behind a curtain. George Steinbrenner hasn't given up all hope of getting rid of the fans. "I hope to still be rid of them before the playoffs, that's extra baggage we don't need. We'll free ourselves of them by any means necessary." Although no one is sure exactly what Steinbrenner meant by that, a couple of promotional days coming up in September may be clues. They include: Take a bomb to the stadium day, Nuclear holocaust day, Everyone gets sprayed with gasoline night, and Britney Spears day. |  Not what we mean by "Yankee Fan"
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