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Tax Tips

A government taking their cut of my paycheck.

So April 15th has past. Hopefully you were one of the millions of Americans who paid their taxes on time, but if you are still procrastinating, here are some tips to make the tax process easier for you.

POLITICS:

It has been said that there is only two things certain in life: death and taxes.

People on the left tend to be pro taxes, but anti-death. They’re always trying to get rid of things like the death penalty while adding a sugar tax on soda.

Meanwhile, on the right they’re anti-tax as shown by the Tea Party protests, but they are pro death as they are against universal health care (or at least pro death for poor people anyway).

HOW TO AVOID PAYING TAXES:

Well, that’s easy. Just stop working. It seems as those in the Tea Party movement have already figured this one out. Obviously since they have nothing better to do on a Thursday afternoon than walk around with stupid signs and silly costumes.

Perhaps an early Tea Party member?

Of course, even without a job, in most states you’ll still have to pay sales tax. So you’ll have to stop buying things. A good example of this would be Ted Kaczinski, AKA the Unibomber. If we all move to a shack in the middle of the woods perhaps we can get away with not paying taxes. Of course, even the Unibomber had to buy parts for his bombs, and he probably had to pay sales tax on that. And really, how long would it probably be until the government would come up with a “crazy manifest” tax or straggly beard tax and screw us all?

HOW TO PAY LESS TAXES:

Well, if you can’t get avoid taxes, maybe we can at least make them lower. The key to this is to claim expenditures that you need for work.

For example, if you are a social studies teacher, you can write off the cost of your newspaper subscription because you need to keep up with current events so you can, in turn, teach your students about them.

As a professional genius, I write off the monocleI have to wear to make others aware that I’m better than them.

The key is to be creative. For example, does your job require you not to smell? You can write off the cost of soap! Hell, why stop there? You can also write off the cost of the shampoo, conditioner,   water, bubble bath, luffa and rubber ducky.

And how about those new pants you just bought? Why not write those off too? The government can’t expect you to be at work bottomless, can they?

Note: Certain former elected officials apparently o expect their staff aides to be bottomless at work. It might be a good idea to consult with your boss to see what is expected of you in the workplace.

IF YOU GET AUDITED

Typical procedure for a tax audit.

It’s fairly likely you’ll get audited. It’s just a fact of life. I seem to get audited a lot, and I follow all the tips I just stated above. It doesn’t seem to make any sense why I’d be targeted over anyone else, so it must be random. Although, there was that one time I claimed everyone who lived in my hometown as dependents, because I said they all depended on me to not go crazy and kill them all. I guess I could see why that might send up a red flag, but I think they over reacted with the audit. The trip to Cuba and all that water boarding seemed a little excessive as well.

So here are some tips in case you are audited:

1. Stay Cool. People don’t trust sweaty people. Keep your thermostat set at about 20 degrees Fahrenheit just to be safe.
2. Don’t answer their question in the form of a question. Trust me, they hate that. They must not be huge Alex Trabek fans in Washington.
3. Blame someone else. It’s like when they you’re going through airport security and they ask if you packed your own bags. You always say you didn’t, even if you did. They way if you accidentally packed some anthrax in your suitcase, they can’t blame you.  Same concept here. Tell them, accountant you found behind the dumpster of a Waffle House did your taxes for you. Trust me, it’ll work. The worse they’ll do is send you to a psychologist or a mental hospital. I rather be crazy than water boarded again.