Consider today’s post a PSA. The lesson: Don’t be a jackass on children’s playground.
I present to you the greatest Merry-Go-Round video since Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas:
I think it’s become common knowledge that you shouldn’t really ever look under your parent’s bed. You might think you are going to find your Christmas presents, but instead you wind up uncovering things you just didn’t want to see. A homemade sex tape, fuzzy handcuffs, a clown costume, your adoption papers… The stash of items under there are better left, as Mr. Rummsfeild likes to say, “a known unknown”.
But if you are insisting to look under there anyway, there’s one item you probably wouldn’t expect to find in a million years: Napoleon Bonaparte’s penis. But if you happen to be one woman in New Jersey, that’s exactly what you would have found.
For some reason, when Napoleon died in 1821, his doctor cut off his dictator and gave it to a priest. Because, as we all know, priest’s have a fascination with little human male’s penises.
The priest didn’t properly preserve it, presumably because he skipped the male genitalia preservation lesson in home economics. When put on display in Manhattan in 1927 it was described by TIME magazine as “maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.” I’m not sure exactly how the item was displayed, but I’d like to imagine it was like how they showed off King Kong, just putting on a stage for a couple of hours for the audience too “Ooo” at.
In 1977 a urologist bought it for $3,000 and stored it under is bed for 30 years, as a collector of famous penises is known to do. In 2007 his daughter inherited it. She fielded at least one $100,000 offer for it, but so far has decided to hold on to it. Somethings are just more important than money.
Yesterday I briefly mention a USB head massager when talking about the USB paper towel holder. I wish I could say that it was just a joke, but it is not. Take a look:
As you can see, this poor guy had a headache, but after putting a model of a ship from Star Trek on his head it made him look like a kid celebrating the first time he used the potty.
The best thing is, it’s only $30. That’s a small price to pay for a head massage. Of course, it’s cheaper just to get Smithers to do it for you:
Remember the days when you were the kitchen and you couldn’t charge your iPhone, iPad, Kindle and head massager at the same time?
Well, those days are long gone. Skymall, the shopping source known for it’s overpriced crap you can buy on airplanes to keep you distracted from the fact you are in a 12,500 pound contraption being flung across the country at 500 mile per hour, has introduced the USB paper towel holder.
Yep, this paper towel holder has four USB ports and holds your paper towels. This has got to be the greatest invention since those potato chips that made you lose weight by giving you horrible diarrhea.
It’s a steal at just $80 too. Sure, you could buy a USB charger for about $5, but would that also hold your paper towels? What if you are playing Clash of Clans and you accidentally spill your Elixar? Now you got these paper towels right there to clean it up.
Nothing else in my kitchen has USB ports, I’m looking at you box of Oatmeal I bought 3 years ago bet never opened.