You think your job is bad? Well, it could be worse. Of course, you might have to go 500 years back in time to find a worse job.

Groom of the Stool

Probably not what the King’s toilet looked like.

What would somebody with the job title “Groom of the Stool” have to do for a living? Well, think of the worse possible thing and, just maybe, you can guess.

According to Wikipedia, the Groom of the Stool was “a male servant in the household of an English monarch who was in charge of providing facilities for the monarch’s defecation, and assisted in his cleansing or washing thereafter.”

In other words: he wiped the king’s ass.

Lovely, right?

Now, keep in mind, this was about 400 years before the invention of toilet paper. You can feel free to use your imagination on how the cleaning of the King’s bum would have happened , but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Not that bad actually

So, you’d probably think this would be a job no one would want… but you would be wrong. This was a highly sought after dream. A man holding this position would have private access to the king. He could share his ideas with him, pushing forth his agenda.

Imagine having this job today. While President Obama is doing his business you could whisper your ideas for a flat tax into his ear (Herman Cain, am I giving you ideas?).

Sometimes to achieve your goals in life, you need to get your hands a little dirty.

Category: Today

broken_tvAnother year has passed, and that means more crazy viral videos. Let’s take a look at some of the best… at least in my opinion… if you don’t agree, well then screw you! Just kidding, I don’t want to screw you, I barely know you.

Jimmy Fallon & Selena Gomez sing about Mario Kart.

Who doesn’t love when professional mess up and make us feel better about ourselves? Here are 15 minutes worth of news bloopers:


Lily Allen returned to music with her take on twerking and other stupid crap:


These families must be inbred. Here are some of the worse answers ever given on Family Feud:

The trailer for the deep edition of Star Wars. Still looks better than Episode 1.

Hey, Jimmy Fallon, stop hogging the best of video section. Here’s his parody of Breaking Bad:


Here’s a classic. Captain Kirk watches Miley Cyrus on the VMAs:


This Beach Boys video cracks me up to no end:


Category: Today
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1481325_10202253688400112_915165849_nAnother snowstorm is threatening parts of the north east. That means millions of Americans are rushing to the A&P to buy Milk and Bread so they can enjoy Milk Sandwiches while it snows. In honor of this starchy lactose phenomenon, here are some facts about milk and bread:

1) You most likely have heard of 1% or 2% milk. What many people don’t realize is that the percentage refers to the amount of fat in the milk. Whole milk is only 3%. When someone says 1% milk, it sounds like the contents of the container is 1% milk and 99% water or something.

That said, 1% and 2% milk still taste horrible to me. I want to come up with a method of taking that percent they take out to make 2% milk and add it to whole milk to create 4%. That would be some tasty, fattening stuff.

No matter how you feel about low fat milk, we can all agree it tastes better than powdered milk.

2) For about 3 months in 1943, sliced bread was banned. This was due to sliced bread needing more wax paper to stay fresh. However bakeries were allowed to keep slicing bread. Bread sellers found this unfair and fought the law. Meanwhile housewives also revolted, complaining they didn’t have time to slice bread. The ban was short lived.

3) Milk jugs at Costco are square. Why? Because it makes them easier to stack and ship, saving them millions a year. Then they pass those savings onto you… or maybe they don’t, how would I know, I’m not their book keeper.

Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of.... Malk?

Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…. Malk?

4) The Egyptians used moldy bread to treat infections that arose from getting dirt in burn wounds. Next time I burn myself and then roll around in mud I’ll have to keep this in mind.

5) Goat milk for the win! Even though you probably think of milk as coming from a cow, 65% of the world actually drinks goat milk. Apparently goat milk is naturally homogenized, easier to digest and rarely causes lactose intolerance. But still, Goats are too creepy for me, I’d rather drink rat milk.

Category: Today
Tags: , ,
It fits right in your pocket!

It fits right in your pocket!

Reader’s Digest is best known as the magazine that old people get roped into subscribing to by their grandchildren to support their school or something. It usually features articles about people you don’t care about (The Man Who Mixed Kool-Aid and Coke!) and jokes that are not particularly funny often stolen off of Twitter or Reddit.

But there was one day where the magazine saved my life. Well, it saved me from extreme boredom and instead gave me mild boredom.

It was back in a time known as the late 1990s. Bill Clinton was denying allegations of having sexual affairs, Home Improvement was the number one show, people knew who the Sneaker Pimps were and I was riding the bus to the mall.

At least I was trying to ride the bus to the mall. What was usually an hour long ride became much longer after the bus broke down half way there. Instead of sending an emergency bus to pick us up, they simply made us wait for the next bus that wasn’t scheduled to arrive for an hour.

How did one kill time in the days before smart phones and Kindles? You can stare out the window and watch the motorists laugh at the idiots without drivers licenses stuck on the bus. You can try to figure out the smell coming off the person sitting in front of you (Spoiler: It’s a combination of body fluids and White Castle).

Lucky for me, I didn’t have to settle for one of those two… or even resorting to conversation with people. Some previous bus rider had left a copy of Reader’s Digest in the seat next to me. Most likely it was left by a grandmother who just realized she was better off not helping a school raise money for new urinals than having to read that drivel.

I picked up the Reader’s Digest off the bus seat, being fortunate that I didn’t immediately catch hand herpes by touching it, and thumbed through it. There were the not so thrilling stories of survival, the unfunny jokes, the countless ads for old people drugs.

Up until that moment the everything I knew about Reader’s Digest came from The Simpson’s episode, Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington. Other than that, I assumed Readers Digest was just a collection of photos featuring people digesting food while eating.

But on this day I discovered Reader’s Digest’s true purpose: To keep you mildly entertained when there’s absolutely nothing else to do.

Category: Stupid

Socially Awkward

The Past

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