We’ve all known a stinky person. Perhaps a coworker, someone you went to school with, Gordon… It might be fun to laugh at these people and call them names, but it wouldn’t be so much fun if they died.
The Huffington Post recently posted the above video answering the question, “What would happen if you stopped bathing?” I’m not sure if this is a question that gets asked a lot at The Huffigton Post. Maybe Arianna wants to save the 20 minutes a day so she has more time to voice characters on terrible Seth MacFarlane cartoons, I don’t know.
The main point of the video is that if you stopped bathing you might get sick, get some brown spots on your skin, or have some germs hang out on your body. They seem to gloss over the entire fact that you’ll smell and people won’t want to be your friend or that some of us on the subway might appreciate not having to hold our breath from Times Square to Willets Point.
But perhaps even after you watched the video, you’re sitting in your own filth thinking, “I can deal with brown spots that look like I have Rhinocertis from that Rugrats episode. But I doubt I’ll really die.”
But, you might! Just ask Thomas Townsend.. wait, you can’t… want to know why? Because he’s dead!
Mr. Townsend was a sixteen year old who refused to shower. Of course, he probably didn’t like other kids making fun of him either. His solution was to use a ton of aerosol deodorant instead.
“He would go through a can a week,” his mother told investigators. But that may have been a low estimate because 42 cans of the stuff was found in his room.
Mr. Townsend used so much he died from inhaling too much aerosol. If he just showered he would still be alive. Also, he probably opened a new hole in the ozone layer over his house.
David Bowie can’t juggle.. and no, it’s not because he’s dead. He never could.
While filming Labyrinth (still the only movie to feature a urinating Muppet) the script called for David Bowie to do some contact juggling. If you never tried it, contact juggling is hard… very hard. These days it would be no problem, they would give Mr. Bowie a CGI arm and let horribly fake looking computer graphics do their work, although I’m sure George Lucas is wishing he could make a special edition so he could add one… and remove Jennifer Connelly’s eyebrows.
The solution they came up with was much more practical. They hired a professional juggler to hide in Mr. Bowie’s armpit. Michael Moschen had to do take after take crouched in an awkward position to make it look like Mr. Bowie was the one doing the juggling. It was a closeness to Mr. Bowie that only Mick Jagger had ever experienced.
Despite being in an awkward position, not being able to see what he was doing, and having to smell Mr. Bowie’s B.O. the entire time, Mr. Moschen pulled off the effect.
I remember when I was a kid and you could get a dozen donuts for $4. I also remember only getting five channels, having to hand crank cars, white powdered wigs being all the rage, the big bang, and the Alamo… but I’m getting off track.
Donuts are getting expensive. For example, a place in Brooklyn is selling a $100 donut. For your Benjamin you get a pastry filled with an ube moose and champagne jelly, Oh, and it’s also covered in 24kt gold. This isn’t your run of the mill Boston Cream (although I would prefer to eat a Boston Cream over this).
Now, of course no officer on a New York City cop’s salary is going to be able to afford this, but do not fret! You can get a dozen for just $1000! That’s 20% off. You can’t afford not to buy these donuts.
Manila Social, the eatery offering this donut just waiting to be sent to Cash4Gold, also sell Spam fried rice and Spam fries. Yum, maybe? They also have noodles with duck confit that I misread as Duck Confetti, which sounds a lot better, and messier, to me.
Before you rush to eat your $100 donut, think about saving it for dessert. For your main course I recommend the $69 hot dog.
It’s an occurrence that few will admit to. You pick something out of your nose, and then are surprised by the size of the booger you just pulled out. But no matter what you pulled or sneezed out, it doesn’t compare to what 51 year old Steve Easton found.
The story begins 44 years ago, when a 7 year old Easton was playing with some toy darts. Like any kid, he stuck it up his nose, because that’s what you would logically do with darts. After he pulling it out he noticed the suction cup was gone from the end. His parents rushed him to the hospital, but the Pre-ObamaCare doctors couldn’t find anything in his nose other than the normal things and sent him on his way.
Flash Forward to the year 2015 (I know, it’s 2016 now. I never claimed this was breaking news), Mr. Easton sneezes and “feels an uncomfortable sensation.” Low and behold a tiny suction cup emerges from his nose.
Mr. Easton ultimately threw it away, which seems kind of odd to me, I always keep everything I find in my nose.