AW, they're so cute... nope, nope, sorry, get em' off me, get em' off me!

AW, they’re so cute… nope, nope, sorry, get em’ off me, get em’ off me!

When I was a little kid I would put a piece of wood on the ground outside. Later on I would go back and check if any pill bugs were under it. If there was I’d quickly drop the wood and run away screaming like a little girl.

I guess it was some kind of scientific experiment. I can’t guess why I wanted to attract them if I was so creeped out by them. What I don’t know is why people keep them as pets. But why not, I got a couple of hermit crabs and an empty Coke bottle named Sam I keep as pets, so who am I to judge.

Education time:

So pill bugs have the more scientific name of Armadillidiidae. They are a family of woodlice, which explains why they would show up under the previously mention piece of wood.

People don’t usually want them in there homes or garden since they eat vegetation and roll up into little balls like they think they’re Samos from Metroid, but they are handy to keep in a habitat with a pet tarantula because they’ll keep it clean by eating it’s feces, mold and leftovers. This is similar to why I invite Andy Dick over to my house.

Pets:

Me and my trusty piece of wood.

Me and my trusty piece of wood.

Or, just forget the tarantula and just keep the pill bugs as pets. They’re actually pretty easy to take care of. According to pawnation, all you need is a plastic tub or glass aquarium to house them in. Put about an inch of soil in their along with some crumbled leaves on top. Use some kind of soil because the bugs like it wet (insert that’s what she said joke here).  And then put some bark in there so they can hide under it and be all creepy how they like.

We already know they apparently eat spider feces, so they’re obviously not too picky about their food intake. You can feed them some old veggies you have hanging around or, if you prefer not to have rotting food in your house, you can feed them fish flakes. If you do feed them veggies take it out before it begins to mold. Because you don’t want mold in your house. These things can only eat so much man.

And as far as lighting goes, they don’t care. They hang out under wood, they obviously don’t like that much.

Well, now your an expert. Go on, be that weird guy that keeps pill bugs in his house.

 

 


Category: Today

Consider today’s post a PSA. The lesson: Don’t be a jackass on children’s playground.

I present to you the greatest Merry-Go-Round video since Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas:


Category: Today, video
napoleon-ice-cream

Everything I’ve learned about Napoleon, I learned from Bill & Ted.

I think it’s become common knowledge that you shouldn’t really ever look under your parent’s bed. You might think you are going to find your Christmas presents, but instead you wind up uncovering things you just didn’t want to see. A homemade sex tape, fuzzy handcuffs, a clown costume, your adoption papers… The stash of items under there are better left, as Mr. Rummsfeild likes to say, “a known unknown”.

But if you are insisting to look under there anyway, there’s one item you probably wouldn’t expect to find in a million years: Napoleon Bonaparte’s penis. But if you happen to be one woman in New Jersey, that’s exactly what you would have found.

For some reason, when Napoleon died in 1821, his doctor cut off his dictator and gave it to a priest. Because, as we all know, priest’s have a fascination with little human male’s penises.

The priest didn’t properly preserve it, presumably because he skipped the male genitalia preservation lesson in home economics. When put on display in Manhattan in 1927 it was described by TIME magazine as “maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.” I’m not sure exactly how the item was displayed, but I’d like to imagine it was like how they showed off King Kong, just putting on a stage for a couple of hours for the audience too “Ooo” at.

In 1977 a urologist bought it for $3,000 and stored it under is bed for 30 years, as a collector of famous penises is known to do. In 2007 his daughter inherited it.  She fielded at least one $100,000 offer for it, but so far has decided to hold on to it. Somethings are just more important than money.


Category: Today

Yesterday I briefly mention a USB head massager when talking about the USB paper towel holder.  I wish I could say that it was just a joke, but it is not. Take a look:

 

As you can see, this poor guy had a headache, but after putting a model of a ship from Star Trek on his head it made him look like a kid celebrating the first time he used the potty.

The best thing is, it’s only $30. That’s a small price to pay for a head massage. Of course, it’s cheaper just to get Smithers to do it for you:


Category: Today
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