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DEVIL SELLS SOUL TO TED TURNER

In Ted Turner's constant effort to own everything and add to his already huge ego, Turner Inc. made an effort to purchase the devil's soul.

"I bought the Braves. I bought CNN. I bought a year subscription to Guns n' Ammo.. However, there's so much more. I think the devil is next," Ted Turner shouted to an inside source, while eating diner at the opposite of a very long table. "The devil belongs to me. Hell ain't nothing compared to Atlanta."

While all experts agree he's gone mad, executives of Turner Inc. are aggressively trying to contact Satan to make the deal.

"Of course they're trying to go through with the purchase, or at least pretend to," said business expert John Brewster. "If you made money like these executives and your boss told you to buy the dark lord, you'd try too."

Executive Pete Champlin explained how they were planning on making such a deal, "We tried sending a letter through the post office, but it came back address unknown. I guess he doesn't live in hell anymore or something. Then we went to this priest dude and asked him, but he said he could only help us to pray to God. So we prayed to God and asked him where Satan was, but the bastard never answered us. So Billy Bob got a witchcraft book out of the library and we're going to try to have a sťance tonight."

This is the latest 'odd' act Turner has partaken in the last couple of months. Past oddities include Turner creating band with a real shark on Drums like Jabberjaw, only to accidentally kill the shark by leaving him out of water too long, renaming the Atlanta Braves to the Atlanta Native American Offenders, publicly denouncing the sniper for claiming he was God, when Turner had already "shot-gunned" it, and claiming he was the true Columbus because he killed way more Philippians then he ever did

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