DAVE THOMAS RISES FROM THE GRAVE

Dave Thomas rose from the grave on Sunday, claiming to be our savior.

"I was your savior the whole time. It was never Jesus," Thomas' ghost told those attending St. Demetrius church, where he made his first appearance, "You guys were way off."

The news stunned people across the globe.

"Meh. I guess we were wrong," the pope said from his over sized seat, "Oh well, such is life."

Others were happy about the news.

"Hey we were right all along. We knew that Jesus guy was no good," said some Jewish guy whose name I forgot to write down.

Eyewitnesses said Dave Thomas also had the following to offer, "I died for you, to protect you from sub par hamburgers offered at places such as McDonalds, Burger King, Checkers, White Castle, and Sambo's."

This statement touched many.

"What the hell is Sambo's," one person wondered out loud.

Salvation, according to the resurrected Wendy's founder, seems easy to obtain.

"All those who eat at Wendy's will go to heaven. Those who eat at competitors will go the other way and meet up with Ray Kroc, who as you know is the devil."

Wendy's was over flooded with customers waiting to buy any type of food they could get their hands on. Priests from around the world began to edit the bible to rid it of and reference to "Jesus Christ" and replace it with "Dave Thomas." On eBay, bids for old "Where's the Beef?" bumper stickers and T-Shirts skyrocketed.

The following day Dave Thomas appeared on The Larry King show where he told the American public that they "must try the Biggie Chili, the recipe was handed down from God himself." It was at this point that Dave Thomas suddenly disappeared after Larry King accidentally kicked loose a plug from the outlet for a machine that was projecting Dave Thomas' image.

Wendy's soon after admitted that he was just a hologram the whole time, part of a publicity stunt to boost sales.

The pope responded with a quick, "I knew that!"

McDonalds has yet to deny that Ray Kroc is in fact the devil. << Home