DirecTV boasted yesterday at a news conference that it has more pointless channels than any cable company.

"Sure, every cable company subscriber can get MTV, Nickelodeon, CNN, HBO, and Showtime. But what about the pathetic channels not owned by Viacom or Turner? Like Hallmark or PBS you," DirecTV spokesman Max Webb asked.

The Hallmark channel carries such timeless classics as ALF reruns. PBS You delivers more public television shows supported by your taxes but, you'll never watch them.

Other channels carried by DirecTV, but not cable includes:

FMTV - Family Matters Television
Shows nothing but Urkel filled reruns for 24 hours a day... actually 6 of those hours are infomercials for hair replacement products and miracle vitamins

This station already is carried by most cable companies, but Turner has finally come clean on what TBS really stands for: Total Bull Sh*t

Another station from MTV to air it's nonmusical programming, Zit crème commercials, and those 3 videos that already get plenty of airplay on MTV and MTV2.

CSS - The Cancelled Sitcom Station

Where the awful sitcoms that couldn't last 2 weeks on UPN wind up and shown 3 times a day. Man I love "Fish Police" and "Drexel's Class".

ENN - Eminem News Network
This station is devoted to just bringing videos, news, and the latest gossip about our favorite white rapper. Finally, a chance for Mr. Mathers to get some exposure!

Test Pattern Network
That lovable, colorful test pattern! All day! Along with that unforgettable "Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop" noise.

ESN - Extra Sports Network
Another Sports network to add to the 200 DirecTV already carries. Because of the lack of sports to cover that hasn't already been done by the other stations, this network has resorted to covering Elementary School Gym Classes (sorry pervs, no locker room footage, I checked) and Karaoke Competitions.

TNC - The Napster Channel
This controversial music only station plays only the latest hits and lets you download them to your tape recorder by hitting the record button at the appropriate time.

More crap is on its way to a satellite dish near you. All these stations may soon be on your dial so it takes longer to find that rerun of Friends you were going to watch anyway.

This person has two dishes on their roof.... big show off

I love you Urkel...

<< Home