Jon & Joe

Rough Draft

Jon
If you were stranded in a desert and you were really thirsty, and you had a runny nose.... would you drink your own snot?

Joe
No! That's not liquid; it's more like some sort of paste. That stuff is hard to swallow too.

Jon
What about your urine?

Joe
Oh, yeah, of course. That's good drinkin'

They both burst out laughing' while two other students (Garbs & Matt) standing next to a tree look at them.

Matt
What the hell is with these two?

Garbs
They're a couple of retards. Like Beavis and Butt-head, but not as funny.

Matt
Lets go talk to them

They walk into the path of Jon & Joe, blocking their way.

Garbs
Hello Girls

Jon & Joe look around pretending to look confused.

Joe
Who you talking to?

Matt
You, you little fagot

Jon
I'm not a girl

Joe
Are you sure?

Jon
Not Really.

The two start laughing again.

Garbs
Will you shut the hell up

Jon
Sorry Grandpa

Garbs
What?

Jon
I said, "Sorry Grandpa"

Garbs
Why the hell did you call me Grandpa?

Jon
Why not?

Matt
You two need help!

Joe
Doing what?

Garbs and Matt walk away in frustration.

Jon
Hey, we better hurry, were going to be late for Computer Art class!

Joe
It don't matter Mr. Hartley is always at least 10 minutes late.

The two run off towards the school.

Matt
Your not going to let him get away with that, are you?

Garbs
Away with what?

Matt
Calling you Grandpa

Garbs
Why, is that bad?

Matt
I dunno, it can't be good

Garbs
You're right, he's got learn to call me Garbs like everyone else.

Int - School - Hallway, in front of the Computer Art class. Students are waiting for the teacher to arrive, so he can unlock the door.

Joe
See I told you Mr. Hartley would be late.

Jon
You mean Bill Gates; you ever notice how similar they look.

Joe
Yeah! I wonder if they're really the same person.

Jon
Yes! By day he's Pat Hartley, by night he's Bill Gates. And in the evening he's Heartly-Gates half man, half nerd.

Tom, a more social type of kid, walks up to the two.

Tom
What are you two talking about?

Joe
How similar Mr. Heartly and Bill Gates look.

Tom
What are you talking about? Bill Gates is a Skinny White guy, Mr. Heartly is a Big Black guy.

Jon
They both wear glasses and use the word "the"

The two once again laugh

Tom
Right...

Joe
Thank you

Mr. Hartley finally arrives and unlocks the door letting the students in. Each student finds a seat in front of a computer; Mr. Heartly sits at his desk and begins to read a copy of Glamour Magazine. Mike, sort of a freak with wild hair and dressed in dark clothing raises his hand and begins to speak.

Mike
Um, Mr. Heartly

Mr. Heartly (yelling)
What do you want, can't you see I'm busy!!

Mike
What are we suppose to be doing?

Mr. Heartly
Just work on your projects

Mike
What's are projects?

Mr. Heartly (yelling)
You've been coming to this class for 2 months and you don't know what your project is!?!

Mike
You never told us

Mr. Heartly
Do you want me to change your diapers too? (he stands) OK, your project is to create a picture of yourself in a famous landscape using Photoshop. Any questions?

Joe
Yeah, what's for dinner?

Mr. Heartly
Any real questions?

Jon
Was that a fake question?

Mr. Heartly
You see, I try to teach you brats something and you act like baboons, I'm not talking to you guys anymore.

He sits down and continues to read his magazine. Mike turns to Tom (who's sitting next to him)

Mike
What is Photoshop?

Tom
It's a program on the computer

Mike
What computer?

Tom
The one in front of you

Mike
I don't see Photoshop on it

Tom
That's because it's not on

Mike
On what?

Tom
Never Mind

Meanwhile on the opposite side of Tom, Jon and Joe sit playing Brickout on their computers instead of doing work.

Tom (turning to Jon & Joe)
Aren't you two afraid of failing?

Jon
Yeah, but whatcha' gonna do?

Tom
How about your work?

Joe
Yeah, we could, but that would involve thinking

Jon
Yeah, thinking makes my Brain go Ouchy

Tom turns back to his computer and continues to work on his project. As Jon and Joe continue to talk, our view changes to the classroom door. A girl (Amy) enters and walks up to Mr. Heartly.
Mr. Heartly
Why are you late?

Amy
I figured I didn't need to be here yet since you're usually 10 minutes late yourself.

Mr. Heartly
That's it; I'm fining you two hundred dollars

Amy
You can't do that

Mr. Heartly
Well I should be able to. I don't know how they expect me to live on my salary. I work hard, I deserve more than this

Jon watches all of this as he eyes Amy. Mr. Heartly begins to read his copy of Glamour again. Amy goes to sit in her seat, as she walks by Jon he begins to daydream.

DAYDREAM SEQUENCE

Still inside the computer art classroom, Jon is now wearing a bad suit. As he stands up, some romantic music begins to play. Amy stands up to and walks up to Jon. The two meet in the middle.

Jon
Amy

Amy
Jon

Jon
Amy

Amy
Jon

Jon
Um... (Forgetting what to say next)

Joe (yelling from across the room)
Amy!

Jon
Oh yeah... Amy!

Amy (growing tired of this)
Jon

Jon
Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.

Amy
Yes?

Music switches to "The Safety Dance" as Jon begins to sing along and dance.

Jon
We can dance if you want to (he jumps up on top of Mr. Heartly's (who doesn't seem to care) desk) We can leave your friends behind (He begins to dance in a stupid fashion) Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well then there no friends of mine.

Jon jumps down in front of Amy.

Amy
Wow, you really are an idiot

Jon (in disappointment)
oh

END DREAM SEQUENCE

We return to the computer art classroom as it really as. We're close up on Jon.

Jon
Why do I get rejected in my own Daydreams?

Joe
Why don't you ask her to the prom?

Jon
Because she's probably going with hey Boyfriend, Garbs

Joe
Why would she do that?

Jon
Because, he's her boyfriend?

Joe
Oh, well why didn't you tell me that?

Jon
I did!

Joe
When?

Jon
Just two seconds ago!

Joe
Oh, well you can't expect me to listen to you all the time.

Jon
Man, I got to think of some way to go out with her

Joe
What was that, I wasn't listening

Jon
Never mind

Joe
Look, why don't you just ask her out

Jon
Um..... That'd be too easy

The bell rings, singling the end of class

Mr. Heartly
For homework I want everyone to create text that reads, "I love Robert Van Winkel" using Illustrator.

Mike
What if we don't have a computer or the $700 program?

Mr. Heartly
You ask too many questions boy

INT - ANOTHER ART CLASSROOM

This Art room, unlike the other, is more traditional. It doesn't have any computers, just tables. Jon and Joe sit with Jim (a burnout) at a table near the back. Mr. Dong (the teacher) is giving a presentation about past art using slides. He is wearing a vest.

Jim
Hey man...

Joe
What was that?

Jim
Nothing, just hey man...

Mr. Dong
Hey! You guys better not be making fun of my vest!

Joe
No....

Mr. Dong
Yes you were! You can't fool me! You better keep quiet if you know what's good for you.

Jon
Oooh! Oooh! I know what's good for me! Spinach!

Mr. Dong
Oh, now your making fun of vest too now, aren't you?

Jon
No.....

Mr. Dong
Just pay attention, or else!

Mr.Dong turns back towards the screen with the slide projected onto it.

Mr. Dong
Alright, you'll notice here that the artist used only up and down strokes symbolizing the deplete of mankind throughout the 1980's. This artist Believed that a hit by Kajagoogoo was a sign of the start of Armageddon. We now know that Armageddon is just a bad movie that made more money than it should and Kajagoogoo was just a sign of how much crap existed during the 80's. Ok....

He changes the slide to a painting of a nude man from the back standing in the middle of a busy street.

Mr. Dong
Here we see a example of....

Mr. Dong is interrupted by loud laughter from Jon and Joe.

Mr. Dong
You guys are laughing at my vest again, aren't you?!?

The two keep laughing.

Mr. Dong
Aren't you?!?

Jon
Um... Sure why not.

Mr. Dong
I knew it! I'm so happy. Finally somebody admits they find my vest humorous. To show my thanks for being honest, I'm giving both of you guys a hundred points in extra credit.

Jon & Joe
Alright!

Mr. Dong
And for making fun of my fashion, you guys both get detention.

Jon & Joe
Aw, crap!

Jim
Wow, that's tough, man

Mr. Dong changes the slide to a painting of a guy.

Mr. Dong
Ok, this is a painting of the artist's husband...

Jon (to Joe)
What does she see in him anyway?

Mr. Dong
I don't know, I don't see anything special in this bloke myself (pointing to the painting). I like the younger men myself.

Jon
No, not him, Garbs.

Mr. Dong
The loser with the glasses? Nobody likes that kid, except for, of course, Amy.

Jon
Never mind, I wasn't talking to you anyway

Mr. Dong

(Confused for a second) Are you making fun of my vest again?

Jon
No! No one cares about your stupid vest!

Jim
Wow, that's funny, man

Mr. Dong
(offended) That's it, I'm leaving!

Mr. Dong begins to walk towards the door.

Joe
You can't leave, your the teacher!

Mr. Dong
Damn, your right.

Mr. Dong walks back to behind his desk.

Mr. Dong
You've won this round, but you won't win next time. (In a evil tone) I'll get you next time Gadget, next time!

Mr. Dong turns around in his chair, with his back towards the class, we hear a Cat Screech.

Jim
Wow, that's parenthetical, man

Joe (to Jim)
What are you talking about?

Jim
Wow, I don't know, man

Joe (to Jim)
You sound like an idiot

Jon
There's a reason for that

Jim
Wow, I don't get it, man

Joe (to Jim)
Will you shut up

Jim
Wow, your mean, man

Joe
You got to do something romantic, like cover your nude body in chocolate and do the macarania on her doorstep

Jim
Wow, that's romantic, man

Joe
Didn't I tell you to shut up?

Jim
Wow, your really indefatigable, man

Joe
What?

Jim
Wow, you haven't been reading your vocabulary word of the day calendar, man

Joe
Anyway, what was I talking about?

Jon
Covering my nude body in chocolate and doing the macarania

Joe
What? No we weren't, we were talking about how you could get Amy to go to the prom with you.

Jon
Oh yeah, how could I forget?

Joe
You got to get her pretty flowers, woman folk like stuff like that

Jon
Where am I gonna get flowers?

Joe
A florist, you dumb butt!

Jon
The Prom's tonight, I don't have time

Joe
There's some right there

Joe points to a vase of fake flowers on a neighboring table

Jon
Woo-hoo!

Jon runs over and grabs the flowers from a table with three girls (Sue, Karen, and Sara) sitting at it.

Karen
Hey I was drawing that!

Sue
Yeah, what's the big idea?

Jim (still at his seat)
Wow, no one says "What's the big idea" anymore, man

Sue, Karen, and Sara
Shut up

Jim
Wow, what a group of bitches, man

Sara (to jon)
Where the hell do you think your going with that.

Jon
I need to give it to someone to show that I like them

Sue
Who? Joe?

Jon
No! (Brief pause) He already knows that I like him

Jim
Wow, your gay, man

Jon
Yes I am very happy

Karen
Look everyone knows you like Amy, including Amy herself

Jon
No they don't!

Sue
Yes they do!

Jon
No they don't!

Karen
Yes they do! Even Mr. Dong knows!

Jon
No he doesn't!

Mr. Dong turns back around in his chair to face the class

Mr. Dong
Yes I do!

After speaking, Mr. Dong turns back around in his chair to has his back towards the chair

Jon
(gasps) How?

Sue
Joe announced it over the PA system the other day when you were absent.

Jon looks towards Joe in shock

Joe
Sorry, I got bored

Jon (to the girls)
So what should I do now?

Sara
You got to do something to break the ice

Jon
Like what?

Sara
Write her poem, Amy just loves poems

Jon
Wow your so smart your head is going to burst into a bloody mess! Thanks!

Jon leaves and returns to his seat. The girls talk among each other quietly so he can not hear.

Karen
That was mean, you know there's no way Amy would go out with Jon!

Sue
Yeah, not to mention that Garbs would kick his ass if he finds out, why did you do that?

Sara
Jon is a loser, but he doesn't seem to realize that. It is time that he does!

Cut back to Jon and Joe, sitting at their table. Jon has a very big smile.

Joe (to Jon)
Why are you so happy? You look like my Mom after she my Dad told her he only had a year to live.

Jon
I found out the perfect way to get Amy to go to the Prom with me! I'm going to write her a poem!

Joe
No you can't, you don't now how to write

Jon
Shut up, at least I don't have ten toes like you do!

Joe
What? Everyone has ten toes!

Jon
Yeah, I know

Jim
Wow, that's...

The entire class
Shut Up!!

Jon
Look, it can't be that bad. I just write a couple of words on a piece of paper and before you know it I'll be known as Mr. Stiller.

Joe (After brief pause)
Why would you be known as Mr. Stiller?

Jon
Huh? Oh, because Jerry Stiller is going to adopt me today after school

Joe
Really? The guy from "There's Something About Mary?"

Once again the bell rings singling the end of second period.

Joe
So ends another day

Jon
That's only the end of second period

Joe
Oh.. So begins another weary day

Jon
Anywho, I'll see you at lunch

Joe
If your lucky....

The two look at each other silently for what seems like an eternity.

Jon
What if I'm not lucky?

Joe
I guess I'll still see you