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Bread Banned From Schools

The State school board decision to rid the cafeteria of the deadly toxin bread seems to paying off.

"Finally our children are safe from those nasty carbs," Nina Zeplin told us before she fainted from malnourishment, "Our children have the right to grow up slim."

Bay Ave. Elementary hasn't served any food containing carbohydrates for three weeks now and already the difference is apparent.

"I've never had so many sick children in my office before," school nurse Maria Halen told us, "but at least they're not as fat."

Although critics argue that forcing all kids to go the Atkins diet is not only unconstitutional but also unhealthy the school staff is fast to say otherwise. Just ask Coach John Rose.

"Oh yeah. The kids move very slow, if at all, during gym class now. But what the f*ck do I care? At least they're easier to keep track of. They all play like a bunch of sissies anyway."

Test grades have fallen. Sickness has risen, but we all have to agree on one thing:

Damn that school now has some fine looking children.