Advice to President Bush
By Mr. Fish
So Mr. Prez (I call you that cause you choked on that pretzel, get it! Heh-heh), you lost the first debate. Alright, alright. I know you said you and your people said you won. But according to polls about 80% of America says you lost. You've also lost somewhere between %5 to 13% amount of your votes depending on which poll you look at. Of course, you say you don't look at or care about polls, so... whatever.
You've also said you don't read newspapers either, and who can blame you? Every time I pick up the paper I just get pissed. Nothing but bad news. Mets lost again. More dead in Iraq. Another hurricane tearing up your brother's state (well, that's not all bad, at least you can get a little more PR out of that). Damn Garfeild still isn't funny.
But I do know you read this website. So I think it's about time this website takes a break from making up stupid news and actually print some truth:
You will win this election.
At least you will with my help. I know the key to winning American voters.
Since I washed up on shore and joined the Human race, I've noticed one thing. People are stupid. Just watch any reality show. They're all stupid. No doubt about it. The fact that about 50% of America are planning on voting for you confirms that. People are stupid and everywhere you look we are reassured of it. From music (Britney Spears, Hillary Duff, A*teens) to movies (Keanu Reaves, Tom Arnold, Hillary Duff), to TV (Every Reality Show, MTV, Hillary Duff), to news (Bill O'Reily, Dan Rather, Hillary Duff).
Americans no longer want to see people that are better than them. That's why TV is full of these reality shows. They would rather see people suffer than people that are better than them. If you've ever been with someone smarter than you, it can feel very degrading and make you feel like an idiot. Which, I suppose, is 98% of the time for you. The only time you feel smarter is when you're with children, which is probably why it took you so long to get up from that chair on 9/11. You knew, as soon you got up those advisors would start with their Mumbo Jumbo and confuse the hell out of you. Plus, I'm sure you wanted find out how My Pet Goat ended. I've never read it myself, but I'm sure it's a thrill ride. Probably not on book on tape either. The fact that only books targeted towards adults come out on tape say a lot about your culture too.
So, you see, all you have to do to win this election is to be normal or, in other words, stupid. We all know that's not much of a stretch for you. Americans will be proud every time they say or do something stupid, to know they are still smarter than the president. What better inspiration for any kid knowing that anyone truly can grow up to be president. Even an alcoholic, business failing, C student can. Not to mention the drugs. Of course you were helped every bit of the way by your rich daddy, but we won't bother to tell the school children that. Hell, what's another lie to the children? We already tell them that George Washington cut down a cherry tree and had wooden teeth. Also, that the murderer known as Christopher Columbus discovered America. And that whole "All men are created equal" thing, like anybody in Washington believes in that.
At the next debate try being even more down to earth than usual. Make a pass at a female, complementing her "chick pillows." Have a beer after being asked a question 'to help take edge off.' The public will eat it up. Only those blue states will have a problem with it, and who the hell cares about them. Hey, California is coming around anyway, with their ass-grabbing governor.
So, take it from me, I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to vote for whomever will be most entertaining to watch over the next four years. At least I would if I were registered to vote.