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So, you want to know what happened in the first episode. Don't you already know that?

Well, 'Joe Millionaire', has twenty women to choose from, he gets rid of eight, now he has twelve. Happy?


Still not enough? Okay...

The short starts off by pretty much telling everything that's going to happen. Including one part that must have been taken from the final scene of the final episode. It's almost like those stupid coming attractions for movies where they tell you what's going to happen in the whole movie.

They do manage to leave out the most important fact, which is who wins. Actually nobody really cares who does win, as long as they're embarrassed. All of America's watching because we love to see people get what they deserve.

Anyway, after the little preview thing, the show actually begins. We see ol' Joe sitting in his construction equipment lifting dirt. He tells us he likes his job and that he chose it because he likes doing it, not because he's too pathetic to get a real job. We also learn he likes fast food, we also don't care.

It's time for Joe to learn how to be rich. He learns about wine, how to dance, riding a horse, all the while making pathetic jokes (kind of like the one's on this site).

We meet the women as they ride up in horse and carriages to Joe's home, which they're all excited to see is actually a castle. Joe was excited to see the castle the first time too until he realized it wasn't a "White Castle." Each girl does her best valley girl impersonation as we see her for the first time (not counting the first three minutes of the show when they show us the whole series).

Once they all arrive they are told a lie about how Joe inherited 50 million dollars which either: A: He used to buy a castle, because that's every construction worker's dream
B: He inherited the castle too, perhaps his distant relative was Count Chocula

The girls are shown to their rooms, where one of them breaks a lamp. They are then told that they will meet Joe for the first time that night at a ball. But, that also turns out to be a lie because they meet him soon after when arrives by horse back in front of the castle.

Joe messes up getting back on the horse. Instead of laughing at him like everyone at home was, these women have 50 million reasons to think otherwise. They just think it's cute. Oh yeah, Joe also gets excited by a girl wearing a cowboy hat... must be a Garth Brook fetish or something.

The women are now brought to a room with twenty dresses and told they must each choose one to wear that night. One short cat fight later some women cry about getting stuck with dresses they don't like, while the other decides to show off enough cleavage to make Christina Aguilara blush (not that you'd be able to tell under all that whore makeup).

So we come the prom, err ball, where two people dance and the rest just stand there awkwardly, it's a lot like an average Jr. High School dance.

After all this, it's time for Joe to give eight girls the boot, and the rest pearl necklaces (which is much better than roses).

Joe chooses Brandy, Katie, Melissa M., Dayana, Alison, Dana, Amanda, Sarah, Heidi, Zora, Melissa Jo, and Mandy. Since Joe had no real time to get to know any of these women it can only be assumed that's it's because these women give him the greatest feeling in his heart, and by heart I mean pants.

The other's girls must pack and leave. One's complains that her luggage doesn't fit back in the suitcases, probably because it's now stuffed with towels and miniature soap she's stolen. After all this we see footage from next week's episode where we are taunted with the chance that Joe might kiss or sleep with some of these women. Now that's quality TV!

Come back next week for a recap of the second episode!