The game of fifty card pickup can be exciting, but it can also be deviously hard. Fortunately  a well played game can result in a clean floor and a feeling of self satisfaction.

1) Object of the game

Pick up 52 playing cards from various places on the ground.

2) Preparation

You will need a deck of cards with the jokers and any “How to play poker” cards removed. In theory it is possible to play with these cards in the deck, but it isn’t truly 52 card pickup, but more like 54 or 55 card pickup.

You will also need a friend.

3) Roles

First you and your friend will need to choose whose going to be the dealer and whose going to be the grabber. This is decided by making the person who is the bigger asshole the dealer and the biggest loser* the grabber.

If you and your friend are unsure which of you fits each of these billings best, use this this simple process:

Compare yearbooks. Whoever has the least signatures is the loser. In the event of a tie, go by whoever has the least signatures from the opposite sex. Signatures from teachers do not count, unless one of them is from that hot new chorus teacher.

If you are Donald Trump, you are automatically the asshole.

4) How to play

The loser will approach the asshole with a deck of cards and ask, “Hey, you want to play cards?”

The asshole will answer “Sure,” then grab the cards out of the losers hands and follow up with, “lets play 52 card pickup.”

The asshole will then go on to flip the entire deck of cards from his hand onto the floor,

While it is possible to deviate from these steps slightly, you’ll want to stick to them as much as you can. For example, a pause after the asshole says ‘sure’ will give the loser a brief moment of excitement as they will think they will finally get to play a game with a friend rather than sulk quietly to themselves later that night while watching a rerun of Martin. The asshole can then crush their high spirits by proclaiming they will play 52 card pickup.

While it might be tempting for the asshole to carry a deck of cards on themselves and just randomly find a loser to flick the cards at, it is not practical. If the cards do not belong the loser they will not have much incentive to pick them up. The asshole will then either have to pick up the cards themselves, making them look like a loser, or just leave the cards on the floor for the poor janitor pick them up… which while this will definitely portray them as an asshole, they will now be out $4.10 for that deck of cards.

5) Pickup procedure

The loser will have to pick up the cards. The is no recourse. Sure the loser could leave them on the ground and pretend not to care that their cards were just thrown all over the ground. But everyone just saw them shut down by the asshole. Everyone will think them a loser either way, so they might as well pick them up anyway.

Make sure to check under any furniture for any cards that might be missing. The loser can also choose to make statements such as, “This is good exercise,” or “Being on all fours like this will be good practice for me later when I’m with my girlfriend/boyfriend later,” but no one is going to buy it. They will just come off looking like a desperate loser rather than just a loser.

6) How To Win

Clearly if anyone is a winner in this situation it would be the asshole. However despite popular thought there is one way the loser can win:

Right after the asshole flips the cards onto the ground the loser can punch them right in the face and knock them to the ground. They can then proclaim, “Pick yourself up, bitch!”

Adding, “You can pick up those cards for me now, and you better not bleed all over them,” is also recommended.

The loser should not say they need the cards later for a bridge game with their mother.

 

*For this purpose the biggest loser is defined as the person who least successful in life rather than the winner of a crappy NBC reality show.

 

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