"Sir, there's something wrong with your butt, it has a huge crack in it."

The enhanced TSA security techniques have been all over the news the last few weeks. Workers one paid grade over Mall Cop have been given the right to either see a representation of us naked on a computer screen or touch us all over our bodies.

Those flying are given a choice to submit to the full body scan or be subjected to the enhanced pat down. It must be hard to be a TSA agent. Either you get to see what someone looks like nude and can’t act on it, or you get the chance to feel someone up but never know what they look like naked. Talk about not being able to have your cake and eat it too.

Sooner or later we’re going to end up all flying nude. I know what you’re thinking, that’s a great idea. Well first of all, you are a sick sick person for thinking such a thing, but more importantly: you are wrong. Sure it sounds great at first. The airlines could save money by no longer offering in flight entertainment, because taking in the sights would be more than enough to keep us occupied. We wouldn’t have to rush to find to matching shoes just minutes before we had to leave to catch the plane. Not to mention that since we would no longer allowed to carry anything on our person we would need to pack more stuff, meaning more luggage, meaning more chances for airlines to add on excess fees to our bill therefor saving the airline industry from the financial collapse that always plagues them.

But it’s time to wake from this perfect dream. Let’s face it, you are not going to wind up flying on an airline full of pristine examples of the oposite sex. You would wind up, as usual, between the old guy that falls asleep on your shoulder and drools all over you, and the morbidly obese person whose body overspills from their own seat onto your arm rest. And do you really want to sit buck naked on a seat for three hours that just had lord who know’s bare ass in it for the three hours prior?

Insert "In Flight Meal" joke here.

While Naked Airlines might make a good title of a straight to Cinemax movie, it just wouldn’t work. But before you start thinking we’ll just have to make due with the current procedure, I got news for you. It’s only a matter of time before someone in Al Queda  watches The Dark Knight and gets the idea to just simply put a bomb inside a person. A nudie scanner doesn’t look at your insides. And if the terrorists don’t have a good enough surgeon available to pull that off, they can just have one their suicide bombers fly with a stick of dynamite up their backside. Uncomfortable? Sure, but it’s not like it isn’t already uncomfortable to fly coach anyway.

There is one solution though: Cannons and giant pillows. We replace the runways at JFK with giant cannons. All we would have to do is load up a traveler into one them and aim it at their destination where there will be a giant pillow waiting for them to land on.  It’s the only logical solution. And if some suicide bomber wants to blow himself up during his flight, that’s fine, he’ll only be killing himself. Plus it would provide some nice fireworks for those on layover in Chicago to look at.

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