Yesterday Paramount Pictures announced it would stop providing movies for the Showtime network so it could start it’s own premium movie channel. Showtime said it wasn’t worried about it’s future.

“We have plenty of original programing left to fill the void,” Showtime program director Joe Orsulak told us while hanging from a noose, “We got Dexter, that Tudors show…. um Weeds, and This American Life I guess…. so that’s about 3 hours of programing there. We just need to pad out the other 165 hours each week.”

Paramount is convinced they have made the right decision. After all this is the network that is known for such great decisions like switching to HD-DVD, creating the UPN network, the movie Hot Rod, the Iraq war… well, I’m not sure how much they had to do with that last one.

“We’ve distanced ourselves from Tom Cruise. So you can’t call us crazy,” Sumner Redstone, who owns both Paramount and Showtime told us as he got dressed in a giant hot dog suit.

The new network is expected to launch in 2009 with such wonderful movies as Transformers and um… that’s it I guess.


Dr Edward Lorenz, founder of the Chaos Theory, died last week. He was killed when his head exploded with 32 miniature Patrick Duffys dressed in leotards who proceeded to do the macarena.


The local 640 union of Frankenstein monsters were expected to boycott the Olympic torch, but were scared away when they saw it coming.


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