101 USES FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK



So you purchased the latest installment of the Harry Potter series, but now you don’t know what to do with it. Well here’s a long list of things you can do to justify it’s inflated price tag:

  1. Use it to kill your husband
  2. Put it under the short leg of the couch
  3. Use it to impress your illiterate friends
  4. Hollow it out, hide booze inside
  5. Tear out the pages and use it as fan during the hot summer
  6. Stand on it to reach the top shelf at the supermarket
  7. Paperweight
  8. Door Stop
  9. Hollow it out and live inside it
  10. Wear it as a hat
  11. Put it in the toilet for symbolic reasons
  12. Makes a good booster seat
  13. Put it under your car tire so it doesn’t roll away
  14. Place on top of trash can lid so it doesn’t blow away
  15. Throw it through a window as a gesture of anarchy
  16. Makes a good cutting board
  17. Strap it to your foot so you can reach the gas pedal… if you’re David Spade
  18. Hit David Spade over the head with it
  19. Begin reading the induce sleep
  20. Push it around in a baby stroller to gather odd looks
  21. Put it in a sock and swing it around as a make shift weapon
  22. Sell it on eBay, no wait, don’t, the shipping would cost too much
  23. Go to an elementary school playground and burn it to make the children cry
  24. Donate it to a soup kitchen… I don’t know why
  25. Walk around with it on Halloween as your costume, you can a moron
  26. Tear up all the pages and throw it in the air… pretend it’s New Years
  27. Stand on a street corner reciting from it as if it’s the bible
  28. Doodle a beard onto Harry’s face on the cover… good fun
  29. Lick it
  30. Use it to open walnuts
  31. Open and close rapidly, pretend it’s talking
  32. Place on floor in high foot traffic areas to make people trip
  33. Return it to the book store because it’s defected… it sucks
  34. Use it to kill Marthra Stewart
  35. Dress it up as Bin Laden, alert the FBI
  36. Take a shower with it
  37. Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over how much money you spent on it
  38. Use each page as a tissue, as you cry over not having any friends
  39. Sell it to a sucker, claiming it’s a magic bean
  40. Catch Pokemon with it
  41. Use it for step aerobics
  42. Use it for TP
  43. Make 991 paper airplanes
  44. Origami!
  45. Makes for swell wrapping paper
  46. … or wallpaper
  47. Ramp for Skateboard
  48. Dip in liquid nitrogen, hit it with a hammer
  49. Put through industrial shredder
  50. Use it as a butt plug
  51. Make into a piƱata
  52. Leave it outside to see how long it takes to get stolen
  53. Use it to stuff your crotch
  54. … or bra
  55. Makes for crappy China
  56. Use it to line the birdcage
  57. Use it as home base when you play baseball
  58. Use for bait when you’re fishing… for children
  59. Firewood
  60. Just sit on it
  61. Pretend it’s your girlfriend
  62. Rip it in half to show off your muscle
  63. Cut with a ginsu knife
  64. Use it as an end table
  65. Hide your wallet inside it when you’re at the beach
  66. Use as anchor for ship
  67. Stand on while hanging yourself
  68. Do a word by word comparison with Lord Of The Rings
  69. See if it syncs up to Dark Side of the Moon
  70. Squash unwanted insects
  71. Can be used as platform shoes
  72. Pretend you’re talking about it on Reading Rainbow
  73. Stick it under the brake pedal of your dad’s car so he can’t stop
  74. Throw at Carl Everett’s head
  75. Tie-dye it
  76. Aquarium decoration
  77. Good for weight lifting
  78. Throw at neighbors dog when he’s barking
  79. Mod it so it can play MP3s
  80. Cover the hole of your roof with it
  81. Or cover those rust holes in the floor of your car
  82. Ride it down a mountain
  83. Use to hide the comic book your reading
  84. Use as a coaster
  85. Can be a gravestone… for someone named Harry potter
  86. Reprint it in the NY Daily News to piss off the author
  87. Use as a reminded of why watching TV is better than reading
  88. Break it with your fist in karate class
  89. Goat food
  90. Use as mouse pad
  91. Dress up a women and practice kissing it
  92. Rip off the dust cover for your own “Books Gone Wild” show
  93. Use it as a sticker album
  94. Remove makeup with it
  95. Check it for spelling errors
  96. Use as bookshelf to display your better books
  97. Use as a punching bag
  98. Put it next to Carrot Top to see if so much sucking in one area will cause the universe to collapse on itself
  99. Use as a chew toy
  100. Test to see if it can absorb as much liquid as Brawny paper towels
  101. I guess you could just read it… or give to someone who does

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