Chuck Norris with his long time boyfriend.

"We have heard the stories about Mr. Norris' accomplishments," BP  Tony Hayword announced at a press conference he was holding from his gold plated yacht he was using to  host his weekly caviar appreciation party later that day, " we feel he is our best option at the moment."

Critics were quick to point out he said simular statements about the Top Hat method, the Top Kill method and the controversial "Walk slowly away from it while whistling so hopefully no one notices we made a mess until we're gone" method.

But Mr. Haywood promised this time it'll be different.

"This time it'll be different," Hayword said as put on his 2 piece striped bathing suit so he could take a swim in his money vault, Scrooge McDuck style, "I'm sure Chuck Norris will be able to stop the 10 gallons of oil that are leaking each day from the spill."

Scientists took offense to Mr. Haywood's assertion that only 10 gallons a day are spilling each day into the Gulf, but for some reason not the fact that somehow a former TV actor had the ability to stop the spill.

"We believe BP is purposely misleading the public about the amount of oil leaking," a scientist with crazy white hair, a lab coat and a clear tie told us, "we are estimating that the oil rig is currently leaking up wards of 500,000,000 barrels of crude oil a minute."

Using advanced computer animation he had made using Disney Animation Studio for the Amigo 1000, the scientist showed us how if the oil spill continued, all birds in the south would be covered in oil by October and have to be given baths. By December all drinking water would taste like Justin Beiber's pimply back. And finally, by February 2011 all humans would cease to exist after committing mass suicide because they would no longer be able to stand to hear pundits on cable TV news argue about whether the oil spill was Obama's or Bush's fault.

Meanwhile Mr. Norris has not been cooperating with BP.

"You guys realize all those things people said about me are just jokes started by no life teenage boys," Mr. Norris said while trying to climb further up Mike Huckabee's ass.

Despite his protest, earlier today BP managed to subdue Norris the only way they new how, by covering him in oil. They then loaded him onto a helicopter and dropped him directly into the Gulf at the central point of the leak.

Chuck Norris promptly drowned.

"Early results look promising," BP announced.

Facebook introduced yet another pointless exciting feature earlier today. Soon you will be able to share the contents of your refrigerator with all your friends.

“The new Facebook Enabled Fridge will monitor  what’s inside it and let people know what you’ve been eating,” Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg posted to his wall right next to a picture of a solid gold fanny pack he had purchased.

Facebook users will see updates such as “Matt Franco just drank a can of Surge.”

Users will also be able to earn achievements, such as “Walking Contradiction” for having both Slim Fast and a gallon of ice cream in the fridge at the same time or “He must have a vendetta against his butthole” for having jalapenos, spicy Italian sausages,  hot sauce, chili peppers and Hot Wings.

But that’s not all, users will also be able to get PMs from their fridge.

"Imagine that you’re in the supermarket and you suddenly get a Facebook message on your phone reminding you need milk or haggis,” Mr. Zuckerburg said while riding a dolphin in his football field sized bathtub in a video he posted on his profile .

Of course advertising will come into play as well. Do not be surprised if in the future you see ads on the site telling you “Max Webb likes to eat Dunkaroo’s! Why don’t you?”

If your fridge items do begin posting to Facebook, go into your privacy setting and make sure “Allow Facebook to have power of attorney” has a check next to it.  It should be turned on by default.

Also, make sure you have a Facebook enabled Refrigerator, they can be found at a fine retailer near you for the low MSRP of $3999.99.

A government taking their cut of my paycheck.

So April 15th has past. Hopefully you were one of the millions of Americans who paid their taxes on time, but if you are still procrastinating, here are some tips to make the tax process easier for you.

POLITICS:

It has been said that there is only two things certain in life: death and taxes.

People on the left tend to be pro taxes, but anti-death. They’re always trying to get rid of things like the death penalty while adding a sugar tax on soda.

Meanwhile, on the right they’re anti-tax as shown by the Tea Party protests, but they are pro death as they are against universal health care (or at least pro death for poor people anyway).

HOW TO AVOID PAYING TAXES:

Well, that’s easy. Just stop working. It seems as those in the Tea Party movement have already figured this one out. Obviously since they have nothing better to do on a Thursday afternoon than walk around with stupid signs and silly costumes.

Perhaps an early Tea Party member?

Of course, even without a job, in most states you’ll still have to pay sales tax. So you’ll have to stop buying things. A good example of this would be Ted Kaczinski, AKA the Unibomber. If we all move to a shack in the middle of the woods perhaps we can get away with not paying taxes. Of course, even the Unibomber had to buy parts for his bombs, and he probably had to pay sales tax on that. And really, how long would it probably be until the government would come up with a “crazy manifest” tax or straggly beard tax and screw us all?

HOW TO PAY LESS TAXES:

Well, if you can’t get avoid taxes, maybe we can at least make them lower. The key to this is to claim expenditures that you need for work.

For example, if you are a social studies teacher, you can write off the cost of your newspaper subscription because you need to keep up with current events so you can, in turn, teach your students about them.

As a professional genius, I write off the monocleI have to wear to make others aware that I’m better than them.

The key is to be creative. For example, does your job require you not to smell? You can write off the cost of soap! Hell, why stop there? You can also write off the cost of the shampoo, conditioner,   water, bubble bath, luffa and rubber ducky.

And how about those new pants you just bought? Why not write those off too? The government can’t expect you to be at work bottomless, can they?

Note: Certain former elected officials apparently o expect their staff aides to be bottomless at work. It might be a good idea to consult with your boss to see what is expected of you in the workplace.

IF YOU GET AUDITED

Typical procedure for a tax audit.

It’s fairly likely you’ll get audited. It’s just a fact of life. I seem to get audited a lot, and I follow all the tips I just stated above. It doesn’t seem to make any sense why I’d be targeted over anyone else, so it must be random. Although, there was that one time I claimed everyone who lived in my hometown as dependents, because I said they all depended on me to not go crazy and kill them all. I guess I could see why that might send up a red flag, but I think they over reacted with the audit. The trip to Cuba and all that water boarding seemed a little excessive as well.

So here are some tips in case you are audited:

1. Stay Cool. People don’t trust sweaty people. Keep your thermostat set at about 20 degrees Fahrenheit just to be safe.
2. Don’t answer their question in the form of a question. Trust me, they hate that. They must not be huge Alex Trabek fans in Washington.
3. Blame someone else. It’s like when they you’re going through airport security and they ask if you packed your own bags. You always say you didn’t, even if you did. They way if you accidentally packed some anthrax in your suitcase, they can’t blame you.  Same concept here. Tell them, accountant you found behind the dumpster of a Waffle House did your taxes for you. Trust me, it’ll work. The worse they’ll do is send you to a psychologist or a mental hospital. I rather be crazy than water boarded again.

For some reason, the new Iron Man 2 poster reminds me a lot of the poster for the upcoming Sex & The City sequel. Both come out in May, perhaps it would be easier if they consolidated their efforts:

Not bad...

I might get lucky and find a few things here or there, but the most part I am boned. Life sucks. What can I do, but move on. Oh well.

Conan O'Brien could not be reached from comment, but it was reported that after he heard what the president had to say he did an idiotic dance. However, he dances around like that all the time all the time so it probably nothing to do with anything