Tag Archives: john kerry
To prepare for debates, Obama is having John Kerry acting as Mitt Romney. Makes sense, Kerry has experience pretending to be a viable candidate.
Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey recorded his 20th win last week. Official are astounded, as it’s the first time a pitcher has more wins than the team he plays for.
In Russia, a milk company is being sued for putting rainbows on their cartons, therefor promoting homosexuality. Also, the country of Russia is being sued for promoting stupidity.
Cheers Turns 30
On September 30th 1982 Cheers made it’s debut. The pilot ranked the 3rd worst of all shows to air that week (74 out of 77) nearly leading to it’s cancellation. Fortunately, NBC gave it a second chance and the show would go on for 11 seasons.
The show of course was also where the character of Frasier Crane made his first appearance. Kelsey Grammer played the character for 9 years of Cheers and then another 11 on the spin-off show Frasier.
For no reason, here’s a quick photoshop of what the cast looks like today:
Speaking of long running sitcoms, here’s The Simpson’s take on the 2012 election:
See you tomorrow!
This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria.
“Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays,” Tom Delay told us, “but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican.”
Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, “Well we did say ‘up to’ three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that’s only going to the cost of napkins.”
We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it’s the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.
John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. “Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays.” McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.
Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target’s hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.
John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn’t matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.
Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.
After 51% of America announced to the rest of the world they’re mentally retarded, the second term, first time elected, president spoke publicly about his plans for the future.
Kerry woke up yesterday morning to the realization that America was too worried about two dudes kissing to care about logic, he made the general “battle is lost, but the war is not over” speech. Bush, who always knew he’d win because Dick Cheney told him so, wasted no time continuing to make a fool of himself, telling the American public he was elected with a Mandate (in which you need 55% of the vote for). He also expressed concern over Illionois electing “Obama Sin Laden” to the senate.
Bush called a press conference and happily announced his plans for the future. Here are the highlights:
· Wars against Iran, Kuwait, France, North East America, and Melmac. Bush said he would not invade N. Korea because after the WWII stories his dad told him, he’s afraid of the Japanese.
· Reinstate the Draft. All men between the ages of 16 to 59 will be forced to join the army and fight someone or other. Bush insisted this isn’t a flip-flop, when he said there would be no draft he was referring to his bedroom, where he just finally had the windows shut.
· A Quadrillian Dollar Deficit. Because he wants to see what they’ll do when they run out of space on the counters in New York City.
· 90% tax cut for the rich. It’s trickle down economics at work.
· To read all the way through The Monster At The End Of This Book.
· Sleep, sit around, whatever…
When the press asked Bush what he thought American’s would say about these plans, Bush responded, “What the hell do I care? What are they going to do? Not vote for me?” Bush then got in his new “Presidential Bike” and rode off to Chuck-E-Cheese where he spent the rest of the day.
Meanwhile Kerry ripped off his lucky red tie, his lucky Boston Red Sox cap, and removed his lucky Springsteen guitar pick from his pocket and yelled at them; “You’ve betrayed me for the last time!” He then took a dump in a paper bag, set it on fire, and left it on John O’ Neil’s door step.
|Number of Times Bush to blame 9/11 for his problems|
|2||Amount of times Bush expected to chuckle when Kerry calls him a “Master Debator”|
|The amount of toes on Kerry’s right foot|
|31||Amount of times Bush will use 9/11 to justify being reelected|
|3||How many people will find something on this site amusing|
|536||Amount of times Bush will call Kerry a ‘Flip Flopper’|
|1||How Many times Kerry will defend himself against Bush|
|None||How many balls John Kerry has|
|201,054||How many words will avoid using because he can’t pronounce them|
|29||How many years ago the Vietnam War ended|
|11||The percentage of people that will base their vote on the Vietnam war|
|1||How many times Bush will use 9/11 to justify getting Dan Rather fired (he’s a very confused little boy)|
|How many times Kerry’s wife will make him plug Heinz ketchup during the debate|
|2486||The amount of lies Dick Cheney will tell|
|2487||The amount of lies the American people will beileve|
|0||How many things that will be accomplished tonight|