My impression of the news media this week:
Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Iraq Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith Anna Nicole Smith
About that new look…
If you think the new look is kind of gay looking.. it's not. Shows what you know.
Useless Channels
Ah, the joys of fiber optic TV. So many channels, so many of them useless. You can have over 200 stations, and still feel like your getting ripped off by how horribly useless some of them are.
Need some convincing? How about:
The Hallmark Channel
How exactly do you base a station on a greeting card? I'm pretty sure it's not by scheduling nothing but Walker Texas Ranger and Diagnosis: Murder reruns.
The Learning Channel
Sorry TLC. You use to be good. Back in the days of cable you were a nice supplement to the Discovery Channel as part of the education through TV experience. Now the only things you show are about decorating other people's house and "flipping" houses. The only thing I've learned from you is how annoying this reality TV virus can be.
QVC, Home Shopping Network, America's Store, Jewelry TV, ShopNBC
Why do these stations still even exist. Getting ripped of shopping from your home may have been novel 15 years ago, but doesn't the internet fill that role now?
FOX Reality
Why they hate us.
GAS
Why did Nickelodeon make this channel? Why? You might as well relabel it the Guts and Figure It Out Network, after the only two shows on this channel.
Music Choice
Does anyone actually listen to music on their TV? Why, why would you do that? No, I'm willing to bet no one does. The only reason these stations exist is so that cable company's can add another 50 to their total channel count to boast about.
Turduckenrabpigbuffcowit called a failure
In an effort to drum up their customer base, The Biscuit Barrel of South Carolina wanted to add a new and revolutionary item to there menu.
“Basically the Turduckenrabpigbuffcowit is a combination of many different animals,” the owner of Biscuit Barrel, John Fingersworth told us, “It's a rabbit stuffed into a chicken, stuffed into a duck, stuffed into a turkey, stuffed into a pig, stuffed into a cow, stuffed into a buffalo... I think there's some venison in there tooo, but I don't remember where we stuffed that.”
Despite sounding delicious, the reaction to the new dish has not been positive from all. So far 18 Biscuit Barrel patrons have been hospitalized.
“We put that damn thing in the oven for 28 hours, and that damn chicken in there still didn't cook all the way. I don't see how that's my fault,” Fingersworth told us.
But not all of the 18 customers were put there because of salmonella poisoning. Three customers suffered what doctors have described as “instant clogged arteries.” Another two people were taken sick with polio.
“That's just dumb. You can't get polio from eating Turduckenrabpigbuffcowit. Everyone knows that,” Fingersworth assured us as he stirred a 52 gallon vat of grits, “That's just the hollywood lovin', blue state, liberal, pro-gay marriage, anti-KKK, Obama voting idiots trying to pin it on us true Americans.”
Perhaps it's for reasons like that the Biscuit Barrel is still featuring the Turduckenrabpigbuffcowit on their menu.
“We need something to set us apart from that lousy Cracker Barrel up the street, and the Cracker Barrel two blocks west of here, and the one down on maple, and the 32 locations they have on I-95.”
Fingersworth assured us no one else will be getting sick, as they are being careful to cut around the uncooked chicken parts.
Passion of John Chainey
A friend of mine, John Chainey, often writes letters to the editor, but they never get published. Here is a letter he recently uncovered from his desk. See if you can figure out why it may of been rejected:
"I work in a movie theatre. A little old church lady came to the theatre as part of a Lutheran high school group to see “Passion of the Christ.” In the course of friendly conversation I told her the movie was extremely violent and brutal. With a beaming smile, she told me she had already seen the film, this was her second time, and she couldn't wait for it to come out on DVD.
She loved the movie. Watching it through the eyes of a believer, she saw a picture about the pain her savior suffered because he loved her.
I, on the other hand, viewing it through secular eyes, I saw a picture of brutal, bloody violence. It was disgusting. I call it a sadomasochist snuff film.
If this movie was called Passion of, say John Chainey (that would be me), and they beat the sh*t out of me for two hours, this woman would be the last person ever to want to see it."
Last Things First
- Top Failures of 2010 So Far
- Breaking Bad + “Underwear” by Pulp
- Chuck Norris Tapped To Stop Oil Spill
- Facebook gets Fridge Integration
- Tax Tips
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