Category Archives: True But Dumb
We’ve all known a stinky person. Perhaps a coworker, someone you went to school with, Gordon… It might be fun to laugh at these people and call them names, but it wouldn’t be so much fun if they died.
The Huffington Post recently posted the above video answering the question, “What would happen if you stopped bathing?” I’m not sure if this is a question that gets asked a lot at The Huffigton Post. Maybe Arianna wants to save the 20 minutes a day so she has more time to voice characters on terrible Seth MacFarlane cartoons, I don’t know.
The main point of the video is that if you stopped bathing you might get sick, get some brown spots on your skin, or have some germs hang out on your body. They seem to gloss over the entire fact that you’ll smell and people won’t want to be your friend or that some of us on the subway might appreciate not having to hold our breath from Times Square to Willets Point.
But perhaps even after you watched the video, you’re sitting in your own filth thinking, “I can deal with brown spots that look like I have Rhinocertis from that Rugrats episode. But I doubt I’ll really die.”
But, you might! Just ask Thomas Townsend.. wait, you can’t… want to know why? Because he’s dead!
Mr. Townsend was a sixteen year old who refused to shower. Of course, he probably didn’t like other kids making fun of him either. His solution was to use a ton of aerosol deodorant instead.
“He would go through a can a week,” his mother told investigators. But that may have been a low estimate because 42 cans of the stuff was found in his room.
Mr. Townsend used so much he died from inhaling too much aerosol. If he just showered he would still be alive. Also, he probably opened a new hole in the ozone layer over his house.
I remember when I was a kid and you could get a dozen donuts for $4. I also remember only getting five channels, having to hand crank cars, white powdered wigs being all the rage, the big bang, and the Alamo… but I’m getting off track.
Donuts are getting expensive. For example, a place in Brooklyn is selling a $100 donut. For your Benjamin you get a pastry filled with an ube moose and champagne jelly, Oh, and it’s also covered in 24kt gold. This isn’t your run of the mill Boston Cream (although I would prefer to eat a Boston Cream over this).
Now, of course no officer on a New York City cop’s salary is going to be able to afford this, but do not fret! You can get a dozen for just $1000! That’s 20% off. You can’t afford not to buy these donuts.
Manila Social, the eatery offering this donut just waiting to be sent to Cash4Gold, also sell Spam fried rice and Spam fries. Yum, maybe? They also have noodles with duck confit that I misread as Duck Confetti, which sounds a lot better, and messier, to me.
Before you rush to eat your $100 donut, think about saving it for dessert. For your main course I recommend the $69 hot dog.
It’s an occurrence that few will admit to. You pick something out of your nose, and then are surprised by the size of the booger you just pulled out. But no matter what you pulled or sneezed out, it doesn’t compare to what 51 year old Steve Easton found.
The story begins 44 years ago, when a 7 year old Easton was playing with some toy darts. Like any kid, he stuck it up his nose, because that’s what you would logically do with darts. After he pulling it out he noticed the suction cup was gone from the end. His parents rushed him to the hospital, but the Pre-ObamaCare doctors couldn’t find anything in his nose other than the normal things and sent him on his way.
Flash Forward to the year 2015 (I know, it’s 2016 now. I never claimed this was breaking news), Mr. Easton sneezes and “feels an uncomfortable sensation.” Low and behold a tiny suction cup emerges from his nose.
Mr. Easton ultimately threw it away, which seems kind of odd to me, I always keep everything I find in my nose.
We have Halloween memories of dressing up as our favorite cartoon character (which, if you were my age involved wearing an uncomfortable plastic mask held on by a flesh digging elastic band and a cheap plastic smock that had the named of the character printed on it. Not that it mattered, since you had to wear your jacket over it anyway since it was too cold.)
But I think a lot of us will remember not being allowed to accept anything unwrapped or homemade. And most important, not to eat any candy until it had been inspected by our parents.
It seems their were people poisoning candy, sticking razor blades in apples, replacing M&Ms with generic “W&Ws”.
It got so bad that local hospitals starting offering to X-Ray candy to make sure it was okay. I think the radiated Milky Way bar tasted better anyway.
What kind of sick people would want to poison innocent children? None. It was all a myth. It never happened. There was never a recorded case of a child being poisoned or hurt by candy given them to halloween.
So how did this horrible lie to ruin the day for children start? The local news of course. Local news has one way to get you to watch, by scaring you. Next time you’re watching Modern Family on your DVR, stop fast forwarding for when the advertisement comes up for the news at 11. The ad will only be a few seconds long, but it’ll be quick enough to convince you it could be a matter of life or death to watch.
“What local town could have poison water,” they might tease, or maybe, “How can you tell if your neighbor is really the ghost of Bin Laden.”
In that aspect the local news has not changed much. What better way to scare you then by telling you that your children will die by doing something they love to do.
But there was a small amount of truth in the story. In 1974 a boy was poisoned by eating a Pixy Stick laced with cyanide. At first it was thought it came from Trick-or-Treating, but the truth is it came from the boy’s own father.
It wasn’t until 2000 that a case of needles in candy actually happened. That year a man, probably inspired by the lies being spread by parents about tampered candy, put needles in Snickers bars. But even then the injuries were so minor that not a single can had to go to the doctor. It wasn’t disclosed if it made the Snickers bar taste any less nasty.
The point is the odds of being hurt by halloween candy, your probably more likely to have a heart attack worrying about it than actually getting a minor boo-boo from a Snickers bar. I’d rather eat a razor blade than a Candy Corn anyway.
Have fun this Halloween. Eat some candy, watch some scary movies, and please don’t spray me with shaving cream as I just shaved and it would be a waste.