Category Archives: Stupid
I haven’t posted anything since early 2016. And now that I finally have something new to share it turns out to just be a weird photoshopped picture.
It’s been a busy year for me and this next year doesn’t look much different. So see in you in 2018.
Well, hopefully sooner than that. I have a lot of ideas, just not a lot of time. Hopefully I’ll get some of these things out of my head to share.
Reader’s Digest is best known as the magazine that old people get roped into subscribing to by their grandchildren to support their school or something. It usually features articles about people you don’t care about (The Man Who Mixed Kool-Aid and Coke!) and jokes that are not particularly funny often stolen off of Twitter or Reddit.
But there was one day where the magazine saved my life. Well, it saved me from extreme boredom and instead gave me mild boredom.
It was back in a time known as the late 1990s. Bill Clinton was denying allegations of having sexual affairs, Home Improvement was the number one show, people knew who the Sneaker Pimps were and I was riding the bus to the mall.
At least I was trying to ride the bus to the mall. What was usually an hour long ride became much longer after the bus broke down half way there. Instead of sending an emergency bus to pick us up, they simply made us wait for the next bus that wasn’t scheduled to arrive for an hour.
How did one kill time in the days before smart phones and Kindles? You can stare out the window and watch the motorists laugh at the idiots without drivers licenses stuck on the bus. You can try to figure out the smell coming off the person sitting in front of you (Spoiler: It’s a combination of body fluids and White Castle).
Lucky for me, I didn’t have to settle for one of those two… or even resorting to conversation with people. Some previous bus rider had left a copy of Reader’s Digest in the seat next to me. Most likely it was left by a grandmother who just realized she was better off not helping a school raise money for new urinals than having to read that drivel.
I picked up the Reader’s Digest off the bus seat, being fortunate that I didn’t immediately catch hand herpes by touching it, and thumbed through it. There were the not so thrilling stories of survival, the unfunny jokes, the countless ads for old people drugs.
Up until that moment the everything I knew about Reader’s Digest came from The Simpson’s episode, Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington. Other than that, I assumed Readers Digest was just a collection of photos featuring people digesting food while eating.
But on this day I discovered Reader’s Digest’s true purpose: To keep you mildly entertained when there’s absolutely nothing else to do.
Sensitive police documents were found to be part of the confetti used in the Macy’s parade. The rest of it was made up of No Higher Taxes pledges signed by the GOP.
A number of republicans have now said they are willing to news their No Higher Taxes pact they had signed. With the world ending in a month you would of thought they could of lasted just a little longer.
Experts say the most likely time to die is at 11am, which is also when the Price is Right comes on. Coincidence? Yeah, probably, I can’t think of any connection.
15 Year Celebration:
We are almost done with our 15 Year Celebration. I tried to pick my favorite posts to share all month long but there’s just so much of them… and they’re all so terrible. But, the show must go on.
This was originally published on March 4, 2008. Fun fact: This was written after Biden had dropped out of the Democratic primary, but before he was named Obama’s running mate. I had no clue he’d wind up being our vice president for 8 years and thought he would just fade into obscurity making the fact that there would be a Girl Scout badge made in his honor funny. Oh well.
RAREST GIRLSCOUT BADEGES
In today’s riveting cheesegod.com expose we reveal the rarest and hardest to get Girl Scout Badges. Every Girl Scout has the cooking badge, the sewing badge, the guilt tripping people into buying over priced cookies badge. But few have earned these badges:
This badge is awarded to those Scouts that use Windows Vista. But unfortunatley those that do don’t want to admit it. Rumor is that even the scouts that had been rewarded this badge have traded it in for an Apple badge or a Linux badge.
In late 2007 presidential hopeful Joe Biden was so desperate for support from someone other than the two people who live in Delaware he decided to court the seldom tapped Girl Scout vote. Unfortunately even the glamor of a new badge for their chest couldn’t persuade a girl scout to vote for him. Of course most girl scouts are not old enough to vote either, silly Joe.
One would think tailoring would be an easy badge to get. But for some reason every time a kid is sent to the Nike factory in South America to learn how to make clothing they never come back. So odd…
Nobody knows how this badge is earned. The only known Girl Scout who was lucky enough to receive this badge was Stacey Littlefoot of Nebraska. The story goes that anytime anyone asks her how she got it she just bursts into tears.
The final film of the Twilight saga came out this weekend. Between that and Twinkies, that’s two disgusting things that’s ended.
30 Rock is also coming to an end. Which is good for NBC because they’ve been looking for a place to add another horrible sitcom starring Matt LeBlanc.
Of course, the news is now that Twinkies might not be disappearing after all. As the company and the union have agreed to enter mediation. Thank god. I almost ate a fruit!
15 Years Later:
We are still celebrating our 15th birthday at cheesed.com by presenting some of our favorite posts from the past. And here’s another one, originally published January 19, 2006:
AMAZING FACTS FROM THE 1980s
Non-Amazing Fact: If it were 21 years ago it’d be 1985, the central point of the 1980s.
To celebrate this non-amazing fact about the 1980s, I am proud… well, proud is too strong of a word, how about… somewhat giddy, yes somewhat giddy to present 11 amazing facts about the 1980s. Here we go…
Amazing Fact: Before he helped pioneer podcasting, Adam Curry was a VJ on MTV where he presented the top 20 videos each week. What is more amazing about this fact, that Adam Curry was actually considered cool or that MTV used to show music videos? You decide! To decide send a 3×7 postcard with your decision in 8,091 words or more to Jay Leno, 3000 West Alemeda ave, Burbank Cal.
Amazing Fact: No one has ever found Chevy Chase to be funny. We just went to see his movies out of pitty for him.
Amazing Fact: It was a tear in a parallel universe vortex that caused a merger with the Bizzaro world for a short time that led to the Mets winning the world series. It had nothing to do with Dwight Gooden’s Floor Wax sniffing addiction however.
Amazing Fact: People used to recognize Steve Guttenburgh as an actor instead of just a lyric from the Stonecutter’s song on The Simpsons.
Amazing Fact: The game Donkey Kong was actually based on the lives of Marlan Brando and Chuck Norris.
Amazing Fact: The cable company used to only carry 36 stations. They now carry the same 36, but with an additional 200 home shopping networks.
Amazing Fact: The new Coke was not actually supposed to replace the original Coke flavor. It resulted when the soda syrup supply was accidentally tainted with a vat of hobo urine. New Coke was the best method the marketing department could come up with to not waste all that soda.
Amazing Fact: Bill Gates first achieved world domination in the 1980s thanks to the popularity of Microsoft and his lucky socks.
Amazing Fact: The first iPod debuted in 1984 but was widely unpopular due to it being 2 feet wide and 5 feet tall. While it did hold an impressive 2 mp3s, no one cared since mp3s had not been invented yet.
Amazing Fact: Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and Dave Thomas were all still alive. They often went skiing and would enjoy a Wendy’s brand chili together.
Amazing Fact: Mr. Bean debuted and was widely popular until it was revealed that it was actually a reality show starring a real retarded man who once killed a rat by petting it to hard.