People win the lottery all the time. Almost everyday people win millions of dollars. So why not you? Do you think there’s something wrong with you? Do you think the lottery commission has something against you? If you’re worried they know about that horrible thing you did your cousin after Thanksgiving dinner last year. It’s alright though, they know, but the fellows on the lottery commission are very liberal and accepting.

Now, anyone has a chance at winning the lottery. Even if you didn’t buy a lottery ticket you have a chance at winning. You might find a winning lottery ticket on the ground or perhaps you could walk into the lottery claims center with an old Walmart receipt and claim it’s the winning ticket. That rarely works though. It did once, but don’t worry, the lottery commission had the employee who accepted the false winning ticket strapped to a chair nude while they hid him repeatably in the crotch with a weight on a string. They don’t mess around.

While you might think stopping in at the Cigar hut down the road twice a week playing your favorite numbers is enough, you’re living in a dream world. And not a cool dream world where you can kill little creatures wearing sheets and masks with vegetables like in Super Mario Bros. 2 (or Super Mario Bros. USA, if you live in Japan, but you probably don’t… unless you do, but I doubt it… if you say you do, you are probably lying, stop lying you liar! I hate you!). No, you live in a cruel dream world, like that second Bob Newhart series.

However, there are many ways to improve your chances. These methods are battle tested. We sent them to Iraq, and they came back still shiny and brave as ever. Well, one method had a cheese stain on it from eating a Ba’Ba Beh Tamur, but these things happen.

First, never play the same numbers more than twice. If they’ve lost twice, they are loser numbers. How many times would you bet on the same losing horse? You should take these numbers out back and shoot them like Old Yeller. Put them out of their misery. If you don’t have the heart to do it, hire Michael Vick to. He probably needs the work now anyway. Unless you have something against hiring ex-felons. What’s your problem? Doesn’t a guy deserve a second chance? Besides, Michael Vick hasn’t done any jail time yet, so you better hire him now before it’s too late and he becomes tainted.

Another sure bet is to send the folks on the lottery commission nice gifts. Try a smoked ham or a copy of It Could Happen To You on DVD. Also, track them down at their houses or at the school when they’re picking up their children. Repeatably shout nice things at them like, “You smell like my aunt,” or “If I was gay, I’d tap that.” If you really want to be remembered, tattoo their name on your body. Don’t worry, you can put it a inconspicuous place so everyone doesn’t see it. Try the underside of your right buttocks. Just make sure you show it to them every chance you get.

Don’t play the numbers from Lost. What are some kind of dweeb? Jeez.

Make sure to get yourself one of those cool looking vinyl sleeves they sell for you to keep your tickets in. What’s the point of winning if the ticket is going to have a crease down the middle of it. I know if I had a winning ticket of 100 million dollars and it had a bended corner I’d never turn it in. It’d be too embarrassing. Maybe I’d be rich, but everyone would know I wouldn’t take good care of my winnings. Think of it like this, you remember the movie Walk the Line when Johny Cash has that nice big house on the lake and he has his entire family over for a nice big Thanksgiving dinner? Well, you’d think he’d be happy will those good frieds and riches, but no, he left his nice tractor out in the mud! Well, I never saw the end of the movie, but I heard he died a few years ago! So think about that!

Now, you may have noticed I’ve mentioned Thanksgiving twice so far. Well, it’s just a coincidence and has nothing to do with winning the lottery, so drop it.

Finally, always remember that it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you played the game. But, well, their isn’t really that much to playing the lottery, you just fill in some numbers, pay a dollar, and they give you a ticket. It’s kind of hard to screw that up. So, when it’s comes to the lottery, it absolutely does matter if you win or lose. If you haven’t won yet, you are a loser. That’s right, you are a loser! Damn it, get off my website, you loser!