X106 gloated about playing the song "Magic Stick" for the fifteenth hundred time on Saturday. "We're really happy to announce the record playing of this record" DJ Wacky Jacky told us as he hit an applause button on his sound effects board "No record has been played this much since the Titanic song. We still play that song sometimes on "Freaky Friday Festival of Fun" except we add these hilarious sounds of ocean liners hitting things and people screaming, it's great!" X106 is a local all hits station that prides itself on playing the top 5 hit songs on the Billboard charts, and actually cheated to get the record. The song was accidentally played for five hours straight on Thursday night, Midnight Mike fell asleep while on his shift and left the CD on repeat, nobody noticed any difference though. "Magic Stick" has begun taking it's place in popular culture. Derek Jeater now has the song play when he comes to bat at Yankee Stadium. Legendary porn star Ron Jeremy does something similar, we understand. "We like to play the life out of songs. Everybody used to like "Livin La Vida Loca" we sure took care of that," whatever stupid DJ mentioned before told us "We just have to wait until the next big song hits to kill it. We can't play "Magic Stick" forever, it'll just seem like it."

Is this what they mean by magic stick? I'm so out of the loop. Help me!

Labels: msn music, radiohead, yankees

¶ 6:26 PM 0 Comments

Pending approval, the Republican party will soon merge with AOL Time Warner. AOL Time Warner, the industry giant responsible for such crap as CNN, TBS, Time Magazine, a book series about UFO's, and pioneers of making people pay twenty-five dollars to look at advertisements (aka AOL), has bought out most of the republican party to become the primary (ha ha... primary, get it? It's a pun... just not a very good one.) shareholder and help me create this very long run on sentence. "We here at AOL are very happy to have made this acquisition," an operator told us, after being on hold for two hours, during which we had to listen to that damn "Hey DJ" song twenty times with a couple of "Magic Sticks" thrown in for good will. "My supervisor told me that if I upgraded enough people to AOL for Broadband, they'd make me Governor of New Mexico." According to AOL's website, at least the parts we could read that weren't covered up by AOL's "special offers", they hope to use the republican party to help pass anti-spam laws, so only AOL themselves will be able to jam ads down their customers throats. "It's an exciting day for all of us here at AOL, we are so..." Is what a voice clip of AOL spokesperson Randall was saying before we got disconnected from the service. We'll have more on this, as soon as we manage to get reconnected, or switch to a better service.

Remever when AOL came on a floppy? Ah, those were the days.

Labels: aol, republican

¶ 6:23 PM 0 Comments

For the second time is just weeks cheesegod.com had it's website plagiarized. This time on HBO. "Yes we've finally made the big time," Our own Lance Froman told me as I made him rotate the tires on my car, "we're just not having our material stolen by small time websites now, we're on premium TV." On a special starring Bill Maher called Victory Begins At Home that aired last Saturday Maher commented that, "the LAPD was on their way to Iraq to plant the weapons of mass destruction." This was an obvious referance to our LAPD story from just a week ago. "That's just stupid," Mr. Fish, also our own unfortunately, told us, "Bill Maher has been doing that show for months on Broadway before that show aired or you made you're stupid story. It's more likely you ripped him off!" To which I responded by slinking into the corner any crying to myself. More to come.... no, not really. I don't have anything else to say about this. Nope. Nothing else. Sorry if you're disappointed. Bye!

He's no doubt trying to think of a way to incorporate a character with a fish for a head into his show...

Labels: bill maher, cheesegod.com

¶ 6:30 PM 0 Comments

Early reports of a possible trade between the New York Mets and Taco Bell have not come to light. "We tried hard," interim general manager Jim Duquette told us, "but in the end enough of us in the office decided we just weren't in the mood for Mexican." The deal was rumored to bring two nacho cheese chalupas, a 7-layer burrito and possibly a Cheesey Gordida Crunch in exchange for pitcher Armando Benitez. Although details of the possible trade are still sketchy, our inside source has told us the deal fell through because of money. "The Mets wanted Taco Bell to pick up all of Benitez's Multi-million dollar salary for the rest of the year," a pimply teen at the drive-thru window told us, "Taco Bell was only willing to pay $5.15 an hour*." The news came as a disappointment for Met fans, who want the 2003 All Star gone at any price. The Mets organization is still trying to come up with ideas on how to get rid of Benitez and make Met fans happy. "We were thinking about a Benitez stoning day," Duquette told us, "We figured we'll just have him stand out there on the mound and everyone in the stands can throw stones at him." "Sometimes I with they would just throw stones at me," Benitez said afterwards, "It would hurt less than their hurtful jeers." Benitez than ran off crying into the showers where he was comforted by Mike Piazza, who has an injured groin... in case you're wondering. In the meantime the Mets organization will have to find somewhere else to get lunch. "I was thinking about Pizza," Duqette said, "you think Domino's would take Burnitz?" *In case Jim Dolan is reading this, $5.15 an hour is minimum wage.

Benitez shows off his Taco Bell hat Yeah, it's a crappy image, I don't see you doing better!

Labels: baseball, mets, taco bell

¶ 6:37 PM 0 Comments

The Pentagon has announced it is sending members of the LAPD to aid the troops in the search of the weapons of mass destruction. The LAPD was chosen due to their amazing ability to find weapons on already shot criminals. Even those who didn't seem to have any weapons on them at first. "These gentleman are amazing," said Pentagon official Felipe Alou, "I've worked with these guys in the past. There were times they'd shoot a suspect criminal who didn't look like they had a weapon. But sure enough the cop would walk over there and he'd somehow find a gun on the body. It was like magic." The group sent will be led by ex-infamous detective Mark Furmnan, who's bringing his special turban that covers his entire face and is pointy on the top. "It's going to be tough," Furman told anyone who'd listen, "There's a lot of non-whites there, so they can't be trusted... what? It's not like you didn't already know I was racist!

Support the troops... or I'll kill you!

Labels: iraq, lapd

¶ 6:40 PM 0 Comments

Fox News has made the ultimate attempt to remain the number one network. They have offered every politician a chance to have... um... the Washington Monument spit shined. As anyone with an IQ high enough not to watch FOX NEWS knows, FOX NEWS had become the number one network by being the official propaganda station for the US government and for getting exclusive news stories that other networks wouldn't report because they had more journalistic integrity. But FOX wants to make sure they remain on their top post, and what better way than by working construction on the old Lincoln Log. While every congress member and senator we talked to refused to comment we did manage to hear some insight from Joe Orsulak, our anonymous inside source on hanging chads. "FOX NEWS's first taker was none other than Mr. Thurmand who got to become a stiff in one way before the other thanks to the aggressive style of Bill O'Reilly," Orsulak told us, "He showed them all his 'Dixie' party platform." It comes as no surprise to many that FOX has resorted to this, as they basically have been doing it to a lesser extent for years. Many in the news industry was unfazed when they heard Hillary Clinton got to smoke another man's cigar. It remain to be seen how any of this may affect the news industry, but in the mean time all 82 democratic presidential hopefuls have had the pleasure licking Bush, something none of them will likely do in next years election.

Labels: fox, hillary clinton, joe orsulak

¶ 6:32 PM 0 Comments